Dr. Abby,

[JimS]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and gossip with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do?


Signed,
Clueless





Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman, you don't need him anymore.  You're a United States Senator from New York.  Act like one.

[Ace]

Dear Oprah,

I'm in a terrible predicament, but I thought maybe you could help me with advice, or money, if you have extra.

My husband and I were married many years ago, and he is I'm sorry was a highly respected and admired American leader.  Several states claim him, from birth through logcabinhood through his political career, as an inspiration.  Schools, and streets, and towns are named after him.  There's this big monument of him on an even bigger chair, dedicated to him.  Books have been written about him, which I thought were true stories but I guess they were fictional, as it turns out.  As an expert in fabricated nonfiction and its promotion, you immediately came to mind once I found out his whole existence was nothing but a myth.  They even carved his visage on the side of a mountain.. I don't know what they do to take that back, now.

He led our country through division and addition back into one whole nation; the whole gamut of math.  And he's legendary for having freed slaves, even though they weren't his slaves and according to some he didn't mean to, either.

I guess they just got lucky, at least historically.  Although, I have to tell you, you're not having a whole bunch of luck if you're a slave in the first place...

So, anyway; come to find out my husband Abraham who was always known as an honest man never even existed... Just a myth, instead of mythic.  And he wasn't shot in the temple; it was a theatre.  That's a lousy place to get shot, too.

Well, if he had lived... to have died...  As it were, I guess the answer is "none of the above" according to these books about his life.  That he didn't have.  Whatever.

So, anyway, I didn't know if you had any suggestions.  I know you did that movie "Beloved" about people trying to scrape by after that time.  Criminy, that had to be the most goshawful looooong movie, ever.  No offense.  Plus, that one girl in it was sorta bothersome, after about 30 seconds.  Especially when she starts drooling or chewing with her mouth open.  I didn't find her very attractive, although it was startling to have her show up naked on the porch.  I guess that's full frontal porch naked, technically.

Just imagine if you suddenly learned Steadman doesn't really exist...!  I mean, it wouldn't be that hard for the rest of us.. he's pretty much a cipher, to the general population.  I guess he has a job or does something, but it's obviously nothing too noteworthy.  Not like my husband was.  Woulda been.  Woulda shoulda coulda... honest.  

Signed,

First Lady, Mrs. Lincoln

I guess.  Or do I go by my maiden name, if he didn't... huh.  I hope I can keep the first lady title.  I thought that was nice, regardless.  You have to wonder if stovepipe hats will go out of fashion, too, if he was just imaginary...

p.s.  Like I said, if you don't have anything worthwhile to offer or add, cash will do fine.  Thanks.
;) there; that's just meant to be friendly, and not smarmy.  I bet you get enough smarmy stuff as it is.