TERRORIST ATTACK KILLS CHATROOM

[Ace]

I'm just gonna say none of this is any of my fault, as usual, and so it is all your fault.

Obviously the strange confluence of discussion recently resulted in the death of Poasters.  Not just the Funny Bone, which is pretty dormant anyway typically, but the whole shebang.  We're not talking just half or a quarter of a shebang, here.

Maybe it's effluence; I can't say I really know which one it is I mean, since I'm unclear on the definition of either.

First it's Scuzzy bringing up his darn cat, and then claiming to have snuffed his computer but unable to pinpoint what or why.  This is just the sort of thing he'd criticize me for, when I do something of that kind.  Now we don't even know if he's gotten a new CPU or ever did pick up the dang video card or any of the trash in his yard.

And Neon makes a lame attempt to return the place to the Quantex days by trying to resuscitate his old Q which by all accounts was napping peacefully until he chose to out it from the closet and fry its brain.  Geez, remind me not to doze off if I ever stay at his house.  Oh, and on an unrelated matter, the IU football coach is set to return after brain surgery, so they must've found a donor.

And Mr. Sam, whoever he is, shows up with some name that apparently isn't what it used to be, so all we know is that whoever he is he ISN'T Mr. Sam, if you can follow that.  And then urges everyone else out of their closets and to fess up as to what their names are, even though his isn't.  I especially blame Buffalo for waay too much information.  I didn't even bother to go through the "No, it's not Ace like in cards it's Ace like in golf or tennis" since who cares anyway, and I'm not even sure if that's right any more.  I mean, I used to have a card avatar, so what's up with that?!

I'm thinking trying to guess Pat's real name is what contributed to the chatroom dying, or at least freezing up.  And having both Scuzzy and Johnny refer to German just brings back bad memories of me flunking it, so I'm excused for not being particularly helpful under the circumstances.

Oh, and Mahrk leaves a poast with "Post" mispelled about a dozen times, and you almost wonder if people here even bother to look up at the odd "a" and if they ever read the dazzling Notredamus explanation, speaking of stupid pseudonyms.

You know, I see this headline and it says "Osama appears" somewhere in the midwest, and I'm thinking "Shoot!  Kill him! Criminy!" but then I look again and I see it's "Obama" so never mind... No way a guy should get elected with a weird name like that, if you ask me.

What else... Oh, Cars mentioned his nom de plum coming from "cars" so that at least made sense...  Unlike "Bill" which came from who knows where, and probably was his choice just because "Bob" was taken.  Chandler didn't even pipe in on his origins, but it seems he was referring to some character from Cheers or Friends or one of those discontinued one-word titled shows.  I'm guessing it's for "Joey."

You know, "titled" is kinda a funny looking word.  Heh; probably because I have a dirty processor...

Ok, anyway, those are the usual suspects and I blame you all for killing what was once a nice little family stop-over.  Oh, and the JimS, too; geez Louise, they poast a funny American work-release joke and a bi-monthly blonde joke, and think that's enough to pay the bills here.

Well, Bill here.  I don't think there are more than the one, unless Mr. Sam was a Bill, once.  I think getting one Bill at a time is quite enough.  You know, maybe we all should name ourselves after Lord of the Rings characters.  I want to be Steven Tyler's daughter, just because she's the best looking.  Even if she doesn't blink.

Ace; I don't wanna be that stubby little troll guy, that's for sure.  Or Niles Crane, who played that creepy "My Precious" guy who followed them around.

[pat]

That is so like you.

Blame everyone else. But lets not blame anyone who keeps bringing in all those gosh awful reports of Pandas. That?s enough, right there, to send everyone running for the door.
 

Ok, how about a little joke.

A couple of Michiana hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[Mark H]

Oh, and Mahrk leaves a poast with "Post" mispelled about a dozen times, and you almost wonder if people here even bother to look up at the odd "a" and if they ever read the dazzling Notredamus explanation, speaking of stupid pseudonyms.

I finally come back after a long layoff and I get attacked by Ace, assuming that Mahrk is supposed to be me.  ::)

I have decided that I am going West to see if I can escape the wrath of Ace. Tomorrow, I head for Oklahoma City for a Gas Machinery Conference in our company vehicle. Ace has driven me away for another week by making me want to go West of his antics instead of being East of them. I am sure Ace will think that it is a "Gas From Your Bottom End Conference" as that is his mindset.

I guess thid will be my last POST for a week unless I POST before I leave tomorrow.

Mahrk H

[Bill]

"Unlike "Bill" which came from who knows where, ..."  Well, geez.  That's easy enough.  Bill came from New Joisey and now y'all, from some where in the woods of South Carolina.   Heh, so dang rural here I have to mail in my poasts.  

Nice job and good work, Ace.  

Bill; pay me.

[Mr. Sam]

Albeit, Ace's use of a higher standard of vocabulary is not a particularly ubiquitous ocassion. However, in this poast, he makes his motives quite coherent. Obviously, Ace wishes to catch the scofflaw who has made his domain an unusually dormant one. Well, I admit, it was me. Yes, me, Mr. Sa-... err whoever I am. But, if you wish to extirpate me, I lay on you only one condition: that all of you supplant your names to a Lord of the Rings character. Yes, Bill to be Gimli, Mahrk to be Aragorn, pat to be Legolas, and Ace to be....hmm...Gandalf?? Until all is as I ask, Ace, you will never be able to abolish me. MuahahahhaaHAHAHHAH!! ;D :D ;D

Mr. Sam; if I was a bill, I'd be a bill-me-later one.

EDIT:to Ace's specifications(but I'm still sticking with dormant domain, because...umm.. it sounds nice ;D :P there I think I have enough emoticons 8) guess not.. :o :D).

[Buffalo2102]

Ooooh.....Lord of The Rings characters eh?

OK, I'll be Treebeard as I can make those deep, rumbly noises.

Buff; Pardon me.

[Bill]

Buffalo,

It would probably be appreciated if you would "make those deep, rumbly noises" in another room!

Bill

[Ace]

Here at Poasters we poast poasts, poasted by Poasters.  Hence, the name.

Ok, Bill can be Bilbo I guess.  But I'm sticking with Arwen.  Well, "Acewen" I suppose, if we're covering those films.  Anyway, Buff is the Thunder from Over Yonder.  I don't capitulate or do bodily functions that rhyme with that.

Look, Mr. Sam, you don't tag your sarcasm with "sarcasm"... geez Louise.  That takes away from the whole magic.  It'll come through fine on its own; you did it just fine.  Heck, instead, say just the opposite.. like :seriously.  Or "sincerely."  That'll throw people, because then they're wondering "Huh, that seemed sorta mean, but he seems nice about it..."  Ooh, or slap on a smarmy smiley like  ;D or  ;) like you're "just kidding" but really you aren't.  And, no, you can't make a domain dormant.  Heck, if you're there, it's alive.  You've got to leave and deadbolt it, and get out of the house.  At least down to the corner.

Pat, that was sick and I'm going to use it today.  Thanks.

Acewen; you know, the last guy who insisted on "post" is gone...

[Mr. Sam]

Well, what if you're sleeping in your domain? That makes it pretty dormant. ;D I'll bet you've slept on the job more than once(your job as a jester that is). ;)

Mr. Sam; I'm just kidding, but really I'm not.

[Bill]

Bilbo?  So now you're suggesting that I have small, hairy feet?

Bilbo

[Ace]

Bil, or Bo, whichever, I don't know. You'd have to set them beside Scuzzy's small hairless feet and compare.

Look, Mister, if that's your real name, I wasn't kidding but really I was.  :-X

Well, I've slept through a couple poasts, sure.  Phoned some in, if you want to get right down to it.  I mean, it is a phone line.  Plus, on dial up, it's like you're not moving even if you are.

Ace; time to introduce some food item into this.  Probably spinach.

[Whizbang]

Duh, Ace?  You left me out.  Incidentally, lay off the caffeine and sugar for awhile.   :o

[Ace]

Geez, I don't even do sugar.  And not much caffeine, except for the weekend, like now

Oh. Ok.  Anyway, I did NOT leave anyone out; I was just waiting for you to arrive.  WhizBang has probably the most complex and unusual naming convention here.

First off, I know he said he was named for a president... I can't remember if it was an actual one, or one of the mythic ones.  And I think a cat.  Oh, and a computer, too.  Ok then; let's put this together:

Whiz... must be the cat.  Or the computer.  I mean, either one probably whizzes.  Sometimes, my head does when I try to figure out one of his theories of relativity or the time/space conundrum or why there's oil sitting under Texas but Arkansas is dry.  Plus, how many FEMA trailers it takes to fill a parking lot.

Alright, then.  If his first name is PC, or feline, then the 2nd part must be presidential.

"Mr. Bang."  Huh.  I guess it must have been one of the presidents who got shot.  There are several to choose from, so it could be quite a selection.  I do know that it was a 32 caliber that started WWI, and was Hitler's choice, so that's why I think I'll go with one of those.  

You know, I thought it was funny there was such an uproar about Hitler's paintings being sold.  If the guy could've sold some art when he was younger maybe the rest wouldn't have had to happen...

Alright, I hope that's everybody.  Of course, we can go around again, because it's not like we ever run out of stuff to say when no one is poasting.

Ace; I wonder where "pizza" got its name.

[pat]

I wonder where "pizza" got its name.

Oh that?s easy.
They named it after that leaning tower over there in Italy.

[Ace]

My dad was in Italy during the WWII and took a photo of the leaning tower.  I think Vesuvius was ready to blow, too, speaking of Buff.

You know, I was reading that they figure the Mona Lisa was pregnant or just had a kid.  And she's on a piece of warped poplar.  I'm warped, so if I become poplar I'd have a lot in common with her I think.

Ace; DaVinci died of a vewy bad code.  I just love that one.

[pat]

A bad code huh, that?s funny.

Strange day for me, I went down to the store today and I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough..

Anyway, another joke from Michiana.

Two campers are walking through the woods of Michiana when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won?t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[Ace]

I'm always amused by stories of nature types who live with bears and around bears and love bears and protect bears who wind up getting killed by a bear.

You know, by all accounts we have panthers roaming around here and coyotes are becoming prevalent.  And here I thought having possums out back was bothersome.  And bunnies.  

Ace; the SQUIRRELS! are big enough to take down a coyote.

[pat]

Indeed, there have been several reported sightings up here in Northern Michiana. Panthers, not bears, well, unless you count that big blow up one in that guys yard on the way to work, it?s one of those Chicago bears.

Coyotes are fairly common now as well as other assorted wildlife. I had one of those woodchucks in the backyard the other day. The darn thing was bigger than my dog.

[Ace]

How much would could he chuck...?  Sorry, I couldn't resist.

You know, you oughta have an emergency car beaver in a case to take with you, in case a tree falls on your vehicle and you have to chew your way out.

The Bears rule; I'm just waiting for some cheesehead Green Bay fan to wander in to let them have it...  The Colts too, which are from Indianapolis which is from Indianana.

Ace; The Lions always lose, unless they're playing the Christians.

[Mr. Sam]

"Do not eat if seal is broken."

I saw that on a Tylenol Gelcaps package once, and thought the same thing. ;D They really should think of better phrasing.

Ace, that bad code joke had me laughing! :D ;D Oh, and as for the squirrels, yours may be big, but over here they have their tails cut off. At least one does. Seriously.

Mr. Sam; And don't forget the cats, they're everywhere.

[Ace]

Hey Sammie; bless your feet too.  Geez, I need my foot blessed since I've now had this gout attack for 5 weeks.  I'm now on a Steroid (cortisone) and a Non-Steroid. I guess I should expect becoming muscle bound and then losing it.

Heh; one of the reactions mentioned was hair growth.  I wish.

As far as cats being around, don't I know it.  I'd far rather be surrounded by dogs.  Well, not a pack of them... but maybe one, or two, if they're friendly.  I don't think there are any poasters named after dogs.  

We've got one wobbly squirrel with half a tail, now.  She's not the most limber, so I can imagine any number of things might have taken part of it off.

ace; I'm not limber, either.  

[Ace]

That was a good joke, J.  Better than my bad ones.  It was a long one, though.  I think that was about 2 or 3" of space there until the punch line.  I was giggling when I got to 1 1/2 inches down, in anticipation...

Maybe I should put together "The Book Of Bad Jester Jokes."  Well, wait a minute... that could be read "jokes by a bad jester" or "jokes by a jester, who is bad" or "bad jokes, from someone who happens to be a jester"... it's sort of ambiguous.  Like when someone asks "Do you have any naked pictures on your hard drive?" and you feel like asking "Ok, hold on; do you mean pictures of naked people, or actual pictures that are naked?"  You know?

I'll have to sort through that, and get back.  Anyway, on Maureen's Medical Moment by foot did lose a lot of swelling overnight.  I guess the steroid non steroid combo is working.  I can't drink alcohol, but that's not a big deal since I haven't been anyway.  I was considering rubbing a dab of tequila right on my forehead.

Ace; maybe dribble some sweet and sour mix on my head, and stick a lime with some triple sec up my nose. Heh, that sounds like the making of a bad joke.  I better write that down; where's a pad...

[Mr. Sam]

Thank you all for the "beloved" sentiments. :) Since this seems to be turning into a bring-your-own-joke thread, I thought I'd add one to the mix.


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said....
















"Good trade Sir!"


Well, it was longer than ja's so i thought the punch line should be farther down the page too.  :D ;)

Mr. Sam; when a jester's foot swells, it's gonna need a big, floppy shoe to cover it. ;D