More Blond(e)...

[Ace]

Well, that's just more of the same laziness and suspect moral character that we've come to expect.  

Here you are, in a poast about blondes, and not even offering a dang blond joke.  Instead, you're here whining about "how hard it is not to steal someone's joke and act like it's my own" and "geez, I'd have to actually read these and remember not to tell one, again" and "you promised me a margarita I've never gotten one" and "I'll poast 3 jokes, but not yet" and wah wah wah.

Criminy, you want some wine with that cheese?  Enough of your complaining.  Poast some dang jokes already.  Yes, we have all day to wait, but that doesn't mean we should have to.

ACe; lazy so and so.  

[pat]

Sure, I?ll have a little wine, send me a bottle from this fine collection.

Here?s your darn jokes and don?t blame me if there?s a repoast. You know it takes a long time to pilfer a good blonde joke and if I happen to offer one up that?s been here already for a while before this then just go take a good look in the mirror and point the blame at that guy.

[pat]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[pat]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[pat]

Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

[pat]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Ace]

Pat, that was great, I mean really.  Way to produce under pressure.  A wonderful effort.  It really was.

But Geez criminy, you're not getting paid by the word, here.  My gosh, I thought that last one would never end or get to a punchline.  I mean, it was ok.  Cute.  But that was a lot of verbiage to wade through.

See if you can put up some good short ones.  Like that first one, and the other one that wasn't so goshawful long.  I just don't have the patience anymore to read something that takes that long.  If it doesn't get where it's going in a screen or two, I just lose concentration.  

Thanks.  Appreciate it.  You just keep cranking them out, watch the word count, and this will work great.. You're doing fine; nice job.  A little shorter, that's all.  And the double spacing sorta makes it longer.. maybe if you went with just single, or 1 1/2 space.  I mean, otherwise it's just poast padding, isn't it...  

Great.  Looking forward to it...  Thanks again.

Ace; I don't have all dang day, here.

[pat]

Hey, I?m glad it?s working out. I?m happy to be able to plagiarize and paste, umm poast a good joke now and again, I?ll try and keep them short so as not to keep anyone waiting or wanting.

Here?s a little something for the holiday.


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a
moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's Christmas Eve and starting to rain snow and the top is down.?

[pat]

Geez, everyone?s a critic.
;)

[pat]

1st blonde joke of 2007, not the best one, but the 1st one.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

[Bill]

Good one.  If I recall, only 2 or 3 more to go.

Bill

[pat]

Ok, check out the winning bid on this one.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=140035348944

[Bill]

JA,
you gonna hafta ask Ace about that.

B; gon' sothern.

[JimS]

I hate ebay... dangit, they revoked my registration...

[Ace]

Judas Criminy, JimS; you guys show up in a dang Blond Poast and don't even poast a dang blonde joke.  All you do is complain about eBay.  You probably weren't even revoked by eBay, but instead some bogus eBay link scam thing designed to trick you into thinking you were eBaying so you could sign over your PayPal account and first born.  I don't have a first born, so I'm not at risk.  What a lazy so and so thing.  That's like pat only contributing two jokes or so at a time.

Anyway, I'd tell everyone what Bill meant except now it's a page back and I'm too lazy to look and I can't find anything here anyway. 

Ace; I'm gonna get lost now.

[JimS]

You mean my registration wasn't revoked?  It was only a scam?  Boy, do I feel better now.

Okay, here's one:

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just  a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[pat]

Hey, that was a good one Jim. I still not sure anyone got the ebay joke.

I'll just stay with the easy ones from now on.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

[Allie-Baba]

OK - now you've gone and done it.  You've really ticked me off................ And when I get mad - I well, I do something and when I figure out exactly what that is - well, you'll be at least the third or fourth to know.  But there are a world of blond jokes out there and not all of them are in politics (drum-slap) ................ In fact there are a world of Blondie jokes out there too - and not all of them relate to her second album .........

Like -

1) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  None -  OK, wait they get better......

2) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10, One to hold the light bulb and nine to spin the ladder.

3) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one.  They hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

4) Four wasn't very good so I decided not to bother typing that one.

5) I walked up to a group of 17 blondes milling around in front of a bar looking despondent the other day.  I asked them why they looked so glum.  And after looking up glum in a dictionary, one of them responded, "Well the sign says must be 18 or over to enter."  (give that one a minunte - no just a nother second - there you go).

6) And I'm sure you heard the one about the blond that was fired from her factory job for throwing away all the faulty M&Ms because they had W's on them instead.

7) Or the other blond who was fired from her painting job because after putting two coats of paint on the porch out back - she proudly announced that she was done but that it wasn't a Porsch it was a BMW?


"I tell ya' I got a million of 'em".

THNX
BRAD

[Mark H]

Who ticked you off, and why, THNX BRAD?

(Scuzzy, this one jumped to preview once, then never again.)

Maybe Brad is a blond guy???  ;D

Mark H

[Allie-Baba]

JA did with his "see what happens when you run out of Blond Jokes" comment.  You can NEVER run out of blond jokes, I've run out of green jokes before, those are limited, but never blond ones.  And yes - I am a little sensitive (snif) :'( -  ;).....

And no, I'm not blond, well, not really, well at least not mostly, just a few streaks - but it was a cleaning accident I swear!

THNX
BRAD

[Mark H]

      As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
      up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
      door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
      Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her
      and proceeds down the street.
     
      When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
      She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the
      door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,
      the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
      some of your load!"
           
      Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
      street.
           
      At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
      All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
      knocks on the truck door.
           
      The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi,
      my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
           
      When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
      races to the next light.
           
      When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
      truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after
      she lowers it, he says...
           
      "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in West Virginia and
     
      I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Mark H]

Mark, that was clearly an original. Somebody made up, originally.

I can't claim credit, but the true author is unknown to me. It was sent by an email friend of mine and they did not know where it originated.

Mark H

[Mark H]

Here is one I just made up.

One day a blond watched her husband work on the car. She just knew that it had to be broke or he wouldn't try to fix it. When he took a break to go into the garage for a part, she decided to be nice to him by taking it to a mechanic. She thought that taking it to a mechanic to "fix" would save him time and allow them to spend time cuddling. When the car broke down on the way to the mechanic, she walked back home. When her husband ranted about the car, she said that she thought he was stupid for trying to fix something by himself that was so damaged mechanically. He then informed her that he was changing the oil and it is now broke, because she drove it after he drained the oil when he was getting an oil filter from the garage.

Now I can claim I am an author of a blond joke.

Mark H

[Mark H]

That is a good one JA!

Mark H

[Mark H]

Your blonds were too smart in the last one, it can't be a true blond joke.  ::) At least that is my opinion, which would not be shared by a blond since they wouldn't know smart from dumb.  ;D Stale joke I know, but I couldn't resist.

Mark H

[Ace]

JimS; come back. Please.  Make it stop. Please.

Or Pat; come back with 3 or 5 new ones.  please

Ace; why have you forsaken us...

[Bill]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other,
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" The blonde
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic got
a piece of paper and a pen and asked the blonde to draw what the piece
looked like. The blonde drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710.  The mechanic then took the
blonde over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a
710
on this car?" The blonde pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


http://tinyurl.com/y66cde


Bill; oldie but goodie.

[JimS]

I'm here, been lurking, but my brain's bandwidth has been pretty taxed recently.

Make it stop...  My brother always says that whenever his wife starts complaining, which means he's saying it pretty much all of the time.  Pretty funny.

I'll try to come up with a few this weekend, and maybe I can break Linda loose for something original from her.

[Ace]

Now Johnny, dangit, THAT was funny.  So was the 710 joke by Bill, although I agree you sorta need a visual on that. 

I don't know if JimS means he really has his wife in bondage, or if he's saying his wife is a loose woman, soon, or he's finally got the bail together, or he's going down to the cellar to check on her in a day or so, or what.  Whichever, I hope she can contribute.  Tell her "if you don't help poast some jokes, others will and people could die."  That should inspire her. 

Dumbing some of these down is like trying to dumb down a panda... I mean, hellooo, it's already there, you know?

I hope they don't tax bandwith, although with dial up I'll at least get off cheap.

There's probably more that could be said about loose women, and getting off cheap, but not by me. 

Ace; A guy asks "How do you dumb down a blonde?" and his friend says "I don't know.. how?" and he says "Make her a jester."

heh.  Now that's funny, too.

[Ace]

Ok, I don't know why you're picking on guys, but the blond(e)s washing their hair joke was top rate, too.  And the mattress one was awright, although I'd probably edit it so it stays within my memory span.

Spiders that make you stutter would be scary.  Sorry: sccarrrryyyy.  Not like Scorpions On A Plane, huh. 

What the heck is the "Poaster's Creed" anyway?!  "When you have nothing to say, Say it Anyway"? 
I could live by that.

Why there was a spider in your coffee I wouldn't know, but that just weirds me out.  I hate spiders, and the thought of one hitting my lip or foot is just gross.  I once had a silverfish in my cup at work and I hurled it and epithets.  My boss looked at me like I lost my mind.

Ace; not that that was unusual, per se.