It's one of those countries out near Chiner.

Bill

Today's blond joke, brought to you from St. Andrews:

Colin Montgomerie.

Nothing against Scots, but I want Tiger to win...

Ace; swoosh.

Aye laddie, ye got yer wish.  Just wait 'til next year.

McDuffer

Man, Tiger rules the Olde Course.  He owns St. Andrews.

Ace; no, really, he bought it.

True story here.  It would be more funny (to me, at least) if she didn't live next door.

My neighbor's property is quite a bit higher than mine.  They recently made significant changes, including adding a large circular driveway that slopes down towards my property.  After the first heavy rain this summer, we had a large puddle in our backyard, the clear result of the rainwater running off of their driveway unimpeded into my backyard.  A few days later, I spoke with uhhh, let's call her Mrs. Blonde, which she is.  I explained the situation to her, and she looked straight back at me and said, "That's funny, we didn't have any problems."

After I picked my jaw up from the ground, I was going to explain something called gravity to her, and what effect gravity has on water, but I decided it best to just talk to Mr. Blonde, which he also is, although he's far more grounded and logical than the Mrs.


Where's JohnAmazing been?  Where is he now?

I can appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Ace; good question.

Kinda suprised she didn't offer to put out buckets.

Bill

As I like to say, "They walk amongst us...".

A man asked the blonde sitting beside him on the bus, "Would you please close the window?  It's cold outside."
The blonde looked puzzled.  "How will that make it warmer outside?"

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

I applaud your joke.

A
a
a
a
a
a
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h
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Let me get a cushion for you?????..

Ok, one more.

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, and the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking around, when he turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that reads "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Well, who the heck is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me and ask, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting'."

Outstanding!
New, fresh material from the guy that recycles cases.  

Geez, was that a poast by ja?

Bill

Boy, it's great when someone else pitches in here.  Good job, Pat, thanks.

Good to hear from you, JA.

That joke wasn't the Sam Ting.  

"Hans Olf. Laundry"  heh.  I get it.

Ok; everybody do 10 more.

Ace; I'll be waiting.

Hey, long time-no poast...

I'm still having some problems with my computer; my wireless network connection no longer works, my USB ports run at 1.1 instead of 2.0, there's no sound, and my CDR-DVD drive doesn't work.  No wireless means that to connect, I have to run a network cable across the kitchen floor, and no CDR-DVD drive means my AV/firewall hasn't been updated since July.  No updated AV-firewall means I'm leary of googling more more jokes with an essentially unprotected computer; remeber, I plagiarize EVERYTHING.  Lin's been pretty busy covering other co-workers during end-of-summer vacations and getting our two boys ready for school.  I've also been orienting two new employees at work, so, sorry, but our plates have been full.

Why the he** am I making excuses and apologizing for her???  See how well-trained she's gotten me?

Anyway, I'll try to get my act together and get this thing fixed.  In the meantime, he's one:

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains.  "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident.  A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car.  His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.  Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Okay, kinda weak.  Maybe these are better:

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building.  How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over a Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.?
Nail polish!

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch as much as they can that goes over their heads.

Later...

Well, the light's always green when you're bipolar, too.  

Thanks for your contributions, you Jims.  I appreciate all your whining and excuse making for the great "hardship" you have attempting computer commerce.  Just realize that me sitting down to one is far harder than anything anyone else here is ever going to run into.  Actually, I have run into it, too.  This stupid faux Scandinavian desk has some pretty dang real sharp edges.

Tell Lins that instead of covering for workers, and instead of you wasting time orienting them, you should both just take them out back and yell at them to the point of shaking and trembling and cigarrette smoking.

No; them, not you.  Criminy.

We had a student plagiarize EVERYTHING.  The Turnitin report showed 100% copying; the idiot stole an article that had names CAPITALIZED in weird ways, like ISRAEL and PALEsTINEdangit and didn't even bother to change those... Plus, he put the paragraph titles INTO the text so it really looked stupid.  I mean, you're really lazy when you can't even expend the energy to cheat well.

Ace; I've never cheated.  I earned every dang "F" I ever got.

Quote from: Ace on July 14, 2005, 21:33 hrs
I keep the opinions bent.

There is no "mother" of a panda, unless you want to name a testube.  Testtube.  Geez Louise, another word I'm lost in.

What the heck is "Singpore"?  A song in a steambath?  An abbreviation of someplace in Tiland?  A critique from Simon on William Hung during American Idol?

Ac; I'm avoiding mass transportation.

testtube is spelt test tube

That has to be the slowest spell-check I've ever used... July 14 to Sept. 11.

Ace; "spelt" is spelled "spelled."

And where the heck is PALENSTINE?  Or is it a silent "N"?

Buff; Hi

Hi.  What's your point?  It's a dang never-never land.  Whattya think.

Look, I know you guys are like 6 hours ahead, and have nothing better to do than check the spelling in the Colonies...  Just because you think it's "cool" to add extra "u"'s to words, like "humour" and "colour" and "liquor"....

Yes, if you must know, the "N" is silent.  Like in silent "N"ight.

Ace; a'ight.  We've got the dang eagle but they've got the eyes.  Shoot.

Hey, I don't think it's "cool" to add letters to words.  I would much rather have less letters in all of them.  Much less effort when writing and saves on ink.  Trouble is, we would just end up with the dreaded "txt spk", which I hate.

Besides, we didn't add the letters, you guys dropped them.  It is English, after all.

Buff; The eyes have it.

Well, of course we dropped uneccessary letters. Unecesary letters. Leters.  We're Americans, dangit.  We're busy people.  We've got lots to do, and we're gonna do it.  That's what we do.  Do stuff.  Being American.  Like I said.

Criminy, we finally just decided to go with U.S.A.  Saves time and typing.  Or even better, U.S.  And most of the time we don't even speak English.  We speak American.  It's like English, but without the attention to grammar and spelling and time consuming stuff like that.  Being busy (see above).

And I'm not the one who created the state of Palenstine so don't blame me how things are going there.  Unless it's named for Marty Palin, then it'd be worth watching.

Look, the stupid poast is about to be about blonds/blondes and it's about time somebody said something about them.  I wouldn't be surprised if Americans invented blondes, since the world's greatest ones were/are American.  Only Americans could create the world's best dum

Hmm.  Hold on a minute...  Anyway, we were talking about language, and I rest my case.  

Ace; I shoulda majored in U.S. instead of English; probably coulda graduated even earlier.

Ifyouleaveoutpunctuationandspacesitsavesevenmoretime
MakesreadingabitmoredifficultbutAmericansdontreadverymuchanyway
WhattheheckitsthewaymanyofustalkintheUS

Only you guys in Jersey talk like that.

Sorry; "only youse guys in Joisey talk like dat."

Ok; I've got to go.  I'm busy.  Dang busy American. Hold it; US.  USer.  That's what we are:  U-S-e-r-s.  

Ace; that'll save some time.

Quote from: Ace on September 11, 2005, 16:24 hrs
That has to be the slowest spell-check I've ever used... July 14 to Sept. 11.

Ace; "spelt" is spelled "spelled."

ah you spotted the diliberate mistake...

no seriously im awful at spelling but i know test tube because i did both chemistry and biology. kinda fundimental in those areas.... ;D

Well, if we have to compete on scientific terms you'd win.
The problem with obvious mistakes is that they're always obvious to everyone else...

Maybe "spelt" is ok.  I mean, you could say "He smelt the fish" and it would make sense.  I wonder if Lins can sniff that one out.

Next time I write "test tube" I'll be sure to get it right.  

Oh, who am I kidding... no I won't.  I never remember now to spell the words I can't.  I could sit here and try recommend and necessary and a bunch of others and miss half of them at least half the time.

I'm not even blond, unless we're going by the color of socks.

And I think it's great you're here; be sure to pay special attention to every single poast by Bill and point out anything you suspect might be mispelled or incorrect in any way... I know he really appreciates criticism, and is very thankful we take the time to critique his entries.

ace; I'm sure that was appreciated.

Thanks very much, I needed that.  And. BTW, you mispeilled closet.

Where... no I didn't.  I mispelled "closest" as in "I just came out of, closest."

In proximity to.  And beyond.

You, however, mispelled "BLT."  

Ace; I wonder who test tube babies send the Mother's Day card to...

Dow-Corning or Becton Dickinson. Who else?

I hate it when there's a new, short poast that starts a fresh page and I can't remember what led up to it and I go "huh?"

Huh.

Geez Louise, this poast has become the Mr. Science Poast it seems.  All this talk about test tubes, and how to spell them.  I like Science ok, but not like I understand it.  I mean, I could be looking down a wormhole right now and probably wouldn't get it, you know?

Sure, I can comprehend a star collapsing into a pile of infinite mass, but the only ones of those I've ever personally experienced would be some church services that seemed like they'd never end.

And I don't want to get into math, or story problems either.  Those aren't my glass of tea either.  

Maybe some jokes; as long as I get them.  I don't mean "understand" them, I mean get them, to use, after.  Working in an institution of higher learning I'm not about to plagiarize...  By golly I'll steal, though.  Outright.  Even the dang punctuation, if I have to.  It's a lot easier than me making them up myself.

Ace; a lot more entertaining, too.