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The Life and Times of Judge Roy Ace

Started by Bubba, October 04, 2007, 10:48 hrs

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They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a Ace-Mart. Ace rang up $46.64 charge. I gave him a fifty dollar bill. He gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to him and told him that he had made a mistake in MY favor and gave him the money back. He became indignant and informed me he was educated and knew what he was doing, and returned the money again. I gave him the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64 and my purchase.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into an Acebuck's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to Ace  and he looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free' he said, 'so I guess they're both free' He handed me  my 2 free Lattes and I walked out the door.
                        They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends from Poasters, when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Ace looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
                        They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, the client asked Ace , the agent, which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. Ace asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, Ace shook his head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with that stuff.'   
                        They Walk Among Us!!

The Poasters Forum is  a 24/7 message board. One day Ace asked what hours the the forum was available for posting. He
told was 'The forum is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week.'   He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' 
                        They Walk Among Us!

Ace has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat
belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk of HIS car.
                        They Walk Among Us!

My Poasters here and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. Ace, the cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
                        They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told Ace  that my bags never showed up.
He smiled and told me not to worry because he was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' he asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
                        They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed Ace ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
                        Yep, They Walk Among Us!

Like Grandpa used to say, "maybe there ain't nothin' wrong, but, somethin' aint' right."


Ace has gender problems:

Ace has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk of her car.
Antec Performance TX640B Case | WinXP Pro SP3 & Win7 64-bit | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale LGA 775 3.16GHz Dual-Core | 8GB (4x2GB) PC6400 G-Skill RAM | eVGA 7600GT 256MB PCI-E | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 16MB Cache | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 8MB Cache | 320GB Seagate Barracuda SATA 16MB Cache | External 640GB WD Caviar SATA 32MB Cache | Sony DRU-V200S DVD/RW | PC Power & Cooling Silencer 500W | Samsung SyncMaster 2494 (24") LCD Monitor | LG Flatron W2361V (23") LCD Monitor


ooops,, my gender check was disabled,,,,,
Like Grandpa used to say, "maybe there ain't nothin' wrong, but, somethin' aint' right."


Look, in my defense, I only wore a dress once and that was in the chorus line as a freshman in my dorm at Purdue for our annual event.  And if you lived in Indiana you'd have a hard time telling what time it was too.

And, no, I don't keep up with a lot of things.  And right now I Limp Among Us since I hurt my foot running last night.  At least it's easier to keep up iwth myself, today.

Ace; I did not like getting lipstick in my moustache, either.  That wasn't good.
Ring bells for service.


"He keeps it in the trunk of her car." 

You know, I didn't think Ace was blond(e).

Bill;Where are the JimS?
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit


I am not brunette, for that matter.

You know, I'm wondering if the title of this thing is some insult comparing me to Mr. Bean.  It'd be just like Bubba to slip that in.  I will say $46.64 looks the same to me pretty much anyway I look at.

Ace; So the JimS goes
Ring bells for service.


corrected things  on the operating table,, changed Ace,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "her" to  "he",, better than a he to her.  YIKES !
Like Grandpa used to say, "maybe there ain't nothin' wrong, but, somethin' aint' right."


Huh. I haven't been changed since I was a baby.  Thanks, I guess. 

I suppose it could happen when I get older, but it just depends.

Ace:  like next week.
Ring bells for service.


Ace and his wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

"Definitely not!"

"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

"You would?" (with a hurt look)

(makes audible groan)

"Would you live in our house?"

"Sure, it's a great house."

"Would you let her drive my Lexus?"

"Probably, it is almost new."

"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

"That would seem like the proper thing to do"

"Would you give her my jewelry?"

"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

"Would you take her golfing with you?

"Yes, those are always good times."

"Would she use my clubs?

"No, she's left-handed."

-- silence --

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,oops .

Like Grandpa used to say, "maybe there ain't nothin' wrong, but, somethin' aint' right."


Bubba, you bozo.  I used that joke and forgot half of it and it was STILL funny...  Just wait until I remember the whole thing and tell it.

I did change the guy's name, though, because I didn't want my wife to think I was really thinking it.   

Ace; hold it.. that's not my name anyway,,,  shoot.

Ring bells for service.



Ok. Two can play at this game, dangit. 

Ace and Bubba were driving through the Land of Lincoln; Mostly Drinking in Bubba's pick up truck.  Bubba was trying to find a Country Music station on his radio, but figured since he had satellite radio it should be able to pick up TV stations too. 

Ace, suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder, plus being OCD, kept asking "Are we there yet..?  How about now?  Now?" and looking out the window telling Bubba what they were passing "Oh, look, Bubba, a cow did the Red Sox Win there's a Michigan plate do you own a gun, or a snake, is France far away?" and turning the air conditioning on off on off on. 

Off.     On.

This went on for 20 or 40 miles, until Bubba finally had enough of the distractions especially as he couldn't hear the TV and he popped open the passenger door and kicked Ace out of the moving truck.

Ace bounced off the roadway, screaming, for a few seconds and then lay still by the side of the road.  A state trooper saw him exit the moving vehickle, and chased down the fleeing pickup truck.  After a brief chase, Bubba pulled over and the trooper approached.

"Hands on the wheel, and let me see your license and registration" demanded the officer.  Bubba muttered "I'm not that skillful with my feet" but presented the documents, anyway.  The trooper asked him "What were you thinking, pushing that jester out of your truck??" 

Bubba paused,,,,, and said "The truck was making a funny noise but I fixed it."

Ring bells for service.


The old priest lay dying in the hospital.  For years he had faithfully
served the people of the Poaster's Forum.  He motioned for
his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Ace and Bubba before I die."
whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse placed a posting on the forum, and waited for a response.  Soon
the word arrived.  Ace and Bubba would be
delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Ace commented to Bubba "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
help our images." Bubba couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ace's hand in
his right hand and Bubba 's hand in his left.  There
was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Ace spoke.  "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Ace.

"Amen" said Bubba.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like
to do the same."
Like Grandpa used to say, "maybe there ain't nothin' wrong, but, somethin' aint' right."


I promise you, before this day is over, I will be on my porch, with a beer...

Ok, first off, it's probably the priest from the Vatican who was caught on video "soliciting" but said it was all a mistake, and that really, he was just doing an experimenting and "testing"...  And, no, I do not need a YouTube link to the tape.
Plus, calling a Jester a "lying thief" is like 3 strikes, right there. 

So, once again, I don't think I come out sticking like a rose in that story...  Plus, we don't hear if he died.  Oh, and what he had for a last supper.  You know, I always thought they shoulda had pizza, since it comes in 12 slices anyway.

That's just how my mind works.  I know, there's really no explaining it. 

Ace; I suppose communion would sorta be a mess, if they had...

Ring bells for service.


Did someone call us?  I though we heard our name(s) called...

What is this place coming to?  Bubba takes blonde jokes and simply substitutes Ace for the blondes (points given a good job with creative plagiarism, though), Ace poasts pretty much the line of questions I get from Linda on at least a daily basis, and then he's poasting poasts with religious overtones,,,,,,,,, (string of commas inserted to make Bubba feel at home).

Geez, Louise.  And criminey, too.
"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- Stephen Grellet


I'd say more of a religious backbeat, instead of overtones.  That way, you can dance to it.

I'd agree with the conjecture that Bubba is substituting me for a hot blonde, in his plagiaristic writings.  Personally, I wouldn't have made that choice.  Look; I don't take anything as a punchline that isn't already in the news.  Plus, you show up after two or more of us are gathered and we clicked our heels three times (you couldn't hear Scuzzy's) and then you don't even poast a joke or editorial comment or a clue to "Where's Neon?".  Not even if he was wearing a striped stocking cap when last seen, to help stand out in a crowd. 

Or JA, who substituted a hot blonde for nobody in his life story.  Plus, you mispelled Criminy.  Geez.  Maybe you could list some of Linda's questions, and we could take a crack at answering them.  We like quizzes here, even if they're pop and not open book.

Ace; I pop open magazines.
Ring bells for service.