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Started by Don G, November 29, 2000, 11:01 hrs

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Don G

Hmmmm, well now, fore dis thang gets carried too fur, let me remind those Brits:

1:  I's got some beery dry powda, flint, patches and ball, handed down to me through many generations from me great-great-great-grandpappy Festus.

2:  I's still got de weapon to put dis stuff in. (So far, dey ain't done been able to fetch dat away fum me.)

3:  I's jus dun ban out und bore sighted dat weapon las week, und ol Betsy still do shoot jus straight as de arrow.

Now, if'n dere's eny reel serius toughts goin on here bout da above propisition, I say we'uns just give dem Florida and call it quits.

If'n dat don't satisfy dem, den I's got my tea-bag all ready to trow in da watter....(again)

Don G



 To the citizens of the United States of America,

 In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to

 govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

 independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all

states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not

fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of

you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)

will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated

next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look

up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how

wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty

seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really

isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but

only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and

give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The

2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have

noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be

allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would

be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave

enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American

"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or

wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at

least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they

give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world

outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been

the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh**".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national

holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 Thank you for your cooperation.

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