THE SECRET

[Ace]

Or "Big Lies" if you want to go counter to Pat's theme...

Ok; here's the deal.  I'm reading about this "Secret" that unveils the mysteries of the universe and path to happiness and salvation and, mostly, material wealth or at least staying in the black on your checkbook.  From what I understand, the whole thing revolves around positive thinking.  As far as positive thoughts bring positive energy, and somehow tunes you into the whole good-times vibe of the universe and that creation itself was essentially one big positive happy thought, and if we look deep enough into the cosmos we'll probably come across planets etched with happy faces.  :)

Now, these guys covered the converse, too.  Negative thoughts cause negative things to happen.  So in the same way Oprah's self confidence and positive thinking earned her fame and fortune and iconic status (the jury's still out on Steadman...) bad thoughts and negative moods cause trouble.  So people get in car wrecks, or get sick, or get in trouble if they forget the commandment "Thou Shalt Not Point A Gun At Your Head After You've Been Drinking I Know You Know It's Not Loaded But Let's Just Not Go There Right Now, Ok".  EVEN to the point of Rwandann massacres and holocausts and disasters being the fault of a whole BUNCH of people spreading negative thinking and their foul mood...  So it's pretty slick.  Good stuff happens to you, you deserve it buddy.  Bad Stuff happen to you?  Well, you deserve it, you sap. 

There must've been some lousy news in the paper, or a whole lot of stale cereal or people who mistakenly used sour milk that morning of 9/11...  Although I guess that whole thing could've been planned and executed by our own government, including the CIA FBI Congress Whitehouse and the Military (except for the ones killed at the Pentagon, I guess) and the explosions were actually set from within the towers and it was a cruise missile that took out the Pentagon not a plane and that one didn't crash in Pennsylvania disregard the memorial it landed in Cleveland (just as bad... heh) and the passengers were hoarded off into a secret NASA enclave and never heard from again.  To me, somebody has loose change rattling around in their skull...

I guess the holocaust was probably just the fault of jews and gays and whoever else was a victim being of a bad temper and disagreeable nature.  But not Mel Gibson, since he hadn't been born then.  Maybe it was the thought of his coming that made them unhappy, and that's what did them in.  It's hard to pinpoint, but had to be their own dang fault.

So I'm in.  I'm living La Vida Happy.  Thinking positive happy thoughts; have been now for the last few days.  Filling my brain with good feeling, positive energy, communion with nature and the universe...  Waiting for the big influx of cash, glory, fame and fortune, whatever.

Waiting.  It's been about 3 stinking days, and I'm still waiting... 

No MegaMillion winner. Not even the stupid Hoosier Lotto.  I mean, sure, I got a $3 dollar winner... that'll help with today's cash ticket outlay at Martin's.  But that's not gonna get you rich; it just helps to get poor slower. 

Bunch of stupid happy thoughts and no windfall.  Not any more famous, as much as I can tell.  Sure not more popular.  Not better looking.  I'm not seeing the upside to this, people.  Stinking stupid secret, as far as I'm concerned. 

I mean, criminy, how many dang happy thoughts does it take to make the stupid thing "click"??!  Sure, I haven't had a car accident or acquired some disease that I know of... Yeah, Purdue won their tournament opener.  Let's see how they do against Ohio State today, huh.  I'm sure filling my head with happy air will help THAT one.  I did jog yesterday and didn't die, but is that as good as it gets??!  No, I haven't gotten looped into a Kool-Aid Drinking Contest or had the big one dropped on my head like those gloomy guses in Hiroshima did or had a Putin henchman take me out with radioactive gunk.  I mean, sure, for that I guess I should be thankful.  But that's like saying "Well, Steadman didn't marry me today so I guess life is good."  Well, duh.  But I expected a LOT more from the Secret Of Everything.  Like I said, mostly in the area of Ca$h windfall.  Idiots sure as heck seemed to promise that, and I feel snookered by the whole Secret Scam.

Dang.

Alright, look, I'm not giving up on the stupid thing totally.  I am going to think POSITIVE GOOD ENERGIZING HAPPYCRAP THOUGHTS.  Alright.  I'm in my safe, happy place now.  Warm.  Let the goodness in.  No bad.  Just good.  Tune in.  Wait for the winnings.

wait wait wait.  What a loada      hooey. 

Ace; somebody was sure in a funk the day Pandas were created, that's for sure. Nobody deserves them.

[Bill]

Not during Lent.

B-

[pat]

Sounds a lot like Scientology to me; sure I read that back when I was a kid. Scientology, not The Secret. I don't mean be cynical but if it's such a big secret, how in the world was it kept such a big secret all these years and how did these folks find out about the big secret? What'd they do go up on a mountain somewhere?

Hey, I'm all for the power of positive thinking, paying it forward when I get the chance, sending out what you want to receive. But I guess I tend to be a bit skeptical when I see the promise of  "Change your life forever, simply by reading this....."
Only $xx.xx  plus shipping.

And shoot I didn't win either and I had positive all over that thing.

[Ace]

I love the "Alienation" theme!  That is just so cool.

I knew I should have charged people to read my poast; yet another lost opportunity.  Dangit.

Ok, sorry.  Back to my warm safe fuzzy happy place.  Sigh.  Phonetically, that's heeaaghuhghghhh.

We sprang forward today, meaning I've gained an hour of late day sun and lost an hour of life.  What a deal.  Soon it'll be "Michiana; land of the Midnight Sun."

We picked up a couple of free tickets off the Hoosier lottery, but so what.  And I was right on Ohio State; typical late game collapse by PU, throwing away free throws and trying to figure who put the Saran wrap on top of the rim.  With Man Mountain Oden climbing all over the Purdulilliputions. 

Otherwise, I guess my karma is alright....  I didn't get hit by the teenbimbo talking on her cell who bounced her Taurus on and off the curb by 23 and Douglas.  Or get hit by the pickuper on his phone who stared at me and then pulled in front of me when I had the green on Cleveland and Grape.  Maybe in a Eastern European kinda "well, it could get worse you know" sorta world this secretive thinking is doing ok.  I mean, I haven't been massacred or nuked or IED'd or diseased or anything, so I guess for that I should be grateful.  Nobody died during the Big Ten Tournament.  Although Oden could've crushed a few if he wanted.  And the snow has done a huge melt, and the yard is full of fat happy bigpantsed squirrels and bunnies and even the Opossum was crawling back home this morning; no idea where he was all night.  And the Cardinals are calling "burrito burrito" so I guess life is good.  At least ok. 

Ace; it could be worse.  I could have worms like Whiz, and need someone take a stick to me.  If I read that right.

[pat]

Who�s in charge of changing the time that you change the time anyway, I have all these smart clocks that are now rendered dumb and I had to go and turn off the adjust DST automatically and change the time manually.

Look on the bright side, if you keep up the positive attitude and make it through the summer and avoid all the dangers on the road, you�ll get that hour back.

[Ace]

Hey; how come I log in and it's me and Pat but I look more dim?!

Ok, that did not come out the way I meant it to...  Anyway, it was the idiot government who figured stretching daylight at night would somehow be of benefit and economic boon.  Which I don't follow; "Ooh, look, it's light later let's increase production buy more stuff make money longer faster."  Buy more gas, go drive somewhere while it's still light, I suppose.

All it gives me is a clearer view of Murphy doing something stupid later.  I do like the notion of surviving the spring, and then summer, though.  If I can get through this with no more snow/pancakes or gout attacks I wouldn't mind reflecting back Nov. 4 over the sunny season and thinking "Huh, it was an ok spring/summer/fall; nobody died."  Maybe the Secret is just diminished expectations, so you're never disappointed.

"Well, no tornadoes last night... looks like it'd oughta be a good Monday."

Ace; like a tornado would make a Monday any lousier...

[pat]

That�s not dim it�s purple.

You know I have this one clock, I think it�s called a wave clock because it sends out waves to keep it updated with the time. Every time I set it to the current time, I go back later and it�s set back an hour. Darn thing probably won�t work right till after the end of the month. Good thing I have the internal clack that gets me up without the need for an alarm.

Sometimes I think our government is nothing but diminished expectations. But since I know that upfront, I can stay positive about it.

[Bill]

A wave clock?  Where does it send it's waves, ET?  You have a Wi-Fi hotspot in your bedroom? 

Bill; I wonder if it surfs too?

[pat]

Well, they just go out into the air and just mix in and bump around with all the other miscellaneous cell phone, internet, radio, TV, satellite, radar and I suppose extra terrestrial action going on all around us and generally comes back with the correct time.

That was, until the time was changed, now I have no time that is the right time to update the time with the time wave.

[Ace]

I'm just glad I don't have an internal clack. Although there are some rumblings from the burritos last night.

Ace; especially an atomic clack.

[pat]

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a clack and I�m not sharing mine.

[Ace]

Well, then you're just a clam shrimp lobster crab aren't you.  You're shellfish.

I'm going to try another test of "The Secret."  I'm going to use it on the NCAA tournament brackets.  I'm POSITIVE I'm going to win the pool, as I have filled my headspace with positive happy uplifting thinking about every matchup and I'm POSITIVE I've got them all pegged.

Ace; I'm sure I'll wind up paying that one forward...

[pat]

Sure I like shellfish and especially the seafood platter. I still think Red Lobster has the best clam chowder, that�s what I usually get when I go there. The soup and salad combo is a pretty good deal and even though it�s all you can eat, just the one serving is generally enough for me. The last time I was there I ordered the chowder and they brought me the lobster bisque by mistake, I said that was okay since I�ve never tried it and it was alright, but very rich. I think I�ll just stick with the chowder from now on.

Good luck on the pool, there was a very interesting segment on NPR yesterday about brackets and how they are used to determine winners. Perhaps you could look that up on their website and figure the odds.

[Ace]

That is so typical.  I'm trying to spread the Secret of Happiness and Mystery of Life and Key To Eternal Bliss and whatever else comes its way and you turn the thing into another stupid food poast.

Doc Pierce's in Mishawaka has the best chowder I know of.  I'd rather order calimari than soup, though.  I can't imagine a bowl of soup and a margarita. 

Anyway, the idiot running our office March Madness pool forgot to send the stupid password, so now I'm focusing mean evil negative energy at him.  What a dork.  I wouldn't be surprised if he found himself part of some genocidal massacre or nuclear attack or at a least a fender bender later today.  He deserves it.

Ace; Ok, I'm headed to the mirror to direct positive thinking at myself.  It's not easy.

[Bill]

Yeah, that's right. You tell'em.  And, it's not in the right room.  Hey, didn't he start the other dang food room anyhow?

[pat]

So, go on and spread the word, but you won't get far if you don't eat. And if you got to eat, it might as well be good food. I like that calamari, but it has to be cooked right. If it's not you might as well fry up some of those rubber bands broccoli comes wrapped it.

And I'm not too concerned about poasting about food in the lower rooms and having it be tagged as inconsistent with the topic, jeez it's food, food is fair game, check the rules. I think it's in there somewhere.

[Ace]

Geez; if there was food for thought you'd be starving.

Hey; I just had a filthy thought for the end of Lent; the Easter DustBunny.

Ace; that's what lives underneath my bench...

[Ace]

I was able to get my brackets in, although the site fought me.  I guess positive thinking and paybacks and thinking it forward is going ok, since no NCAA Div. 1 basketball teams have been involved in genocide or massacred yet or had a bus break down.

Today's Secret Quote is: The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. - John F. Kennedy

Ace; should've added: "The time to close the convertible top is when you're riding around in Dallas..." 

[Bill]

"I was able to get my brackets in"  You probably shouldn't have taken them out in the first place.  Dentist went to a lot of trouble to get them just right.  Guess we can add funny teeth to the Jester's resume, huh?

Bill

[Ace]

I guess they're funny, but not "funny: ha ha."  I mean, they're crooked and the one's chipped where I knocked against my microphone back in HS when I didn't realize the impedance was off from my guitar line... Sort of like being tasered in the face.

I've never had brackets or braces, because my dentist figured it wasn't necessary since my bite was ok.  I'm not sure if my bark was up to par, though.  Here I guess I'm on retainer.

Ace; my wife works for an orthodontist, so I could get a deal if I wanted to.  My fear is if I got braces I'd have to get one of Whiz's cookbooks to make liquified entrees.  Especially if they involved peanut butter.

[pat]

Ok, since you guys are still on the brackets, here�s that article from NPR, like I said it was interesting.

I was looking at the featured bracket, the one with the comic book movies and for the most part agree with the outcome. Batman Begins was the best Batman movie in my humble opinion and does beat out Spidy. But that Sin City was crazy and I liked it better, haven�t seen the 300 yet so can�t comment on that.

[Ace]

Oh, for cryin' out loud... first you glom into my dang Secret Poast with a food review and now you've gone to the stupid Movie And Dinner topic you started down the hall... 

From the meaning of life to food to teeth to film...  Geez Criminy Louise.

Ace; and, no, I don't have film on my teeth.  Necessarily.

[pat]

yada yada yada and secret is for women, not men.

You know the meaning of life is a pretty deep subject for the funny room, so I�m not going to go off on some crazy tangent in that direction. I will say that it�s better than the alternative.

[Ace]

Oh, so now it's too CEREBRAL for you and this stream of consciousness and river of thought is too DEEP and mountain HIGH for this alcove and we wouldn't want to interject something life-changing and MEANingful and more provocative than Brittney Spears getting out of a car and into rehab so let's just warm up a plate of merlot and pop a film into the DVD for cryin' out dangit to take our minds off what our minds should be on.

You know, there are a lot of more important things we ought to be considering here besides what film to watch and what to shove into the blender.  Well, maybe not when you're trying to pick one to watch some evening, but during the other times.  Stuff like how many pinheads can fit on the head of an angel, or how many CEO's does it take to stiff a stockholder, and where the heck did "Fords" get their name from, and why would they kill the Taurus as their top seller and come up with a bigger taller number like the Ford 500 and THEN wind up rebadging that dang thing the "Taurus"..?!  I mean, do American automakers only make cars that go in circles?  Or backwards?

stuff like that.  Like Tom Cruise said, if Anna Nicole had Scientology she would have turned out better.  Well, I believe that.  Heck, if she would've cleaned out her refrigerator occasionally she probably coulda stuck around awhile longer.  Hey, and speaking of witch I mean which, what is it with "ET" (Entertainment Tonight) with the "Anna Nicole Show" every stinking night??  I mean, last night IN BREAKING NEWS they focused on what was on her computer!  Shoot, one of the family will probably poast in the Desktop section soon for help deciphering it...  Is there anyone else in the world still fixated on this person, post mortem?  It's like when they come up with a new live Hendrix album...  You gotta go "huh" at that.

Ok, I'm not going to go off topic, because now I can't recall which one it is.  Plus, Pat will probably poast some link to some German film or something to get me out of the room so he can talk about dinner or women, or having women over for dinner.  Not that my wife would let me, but I guess if I was a cannibal it would make more sense. 

How about this: two cannibals are eating a blonde, and the one turns to the other and says "Hey.. does this taste stupid to you?"

Ace; wow.  and that's at 20 till 8 on a Friday.  You gotta wonder what's next.

[Bill]

ROFLMAO!!!!!  You are too much, even if it is Friday.  Crikey, I'm glad you didn't get riled up on Thursday.  I wouldn't get any work done all dang day. 

Two cannibals are eating a Jester..."Does this taste funny to you?"

Bill

[pat]

Okay then, I won�t go into what our dinner out was last night at Brewster�s. No way, the mixed baby greens salad, followed by the pesto pizza with roasted red peppers and mushrooms and then the main course of grilled chicken over cheese and sun-dried tomato filled ravioli and asparagus and artichokes in a light cream sauce followed with a cookie and coffee. And I certainly won�t mention that I�ll most likely go to the cinema tonight to see the Little Children, don�t let the title fool you it�s not about kids. I'll save all of that for another topic in another room.

You want the meaning of life and that�s what you�ll get.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...
A student took the jar which the other students and
the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of Merlot.
Of course the Merlot filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for Merlot.

[Ace]

Geez, if two cannibals were eating a jester first they'd say "Does this taste lousy to you?" and then they'd both throw up.

Heh.  How about this; two male cheerleaders threw up a female cheerleader. 

Ok; that oughta discourage Pat to not talk about his dinner plans.

There are some people around here that were known to look for little children, but it sounds like they're gonna close the group home they're in.  And how the heck do you know how they dried the dang tomatoes?  I mean, were you there? 

I did like the analogy of people to rocks.  Having dealt with you guys for years, I would definitely say you resemble rocks.  And, if Bubba is watching, I still like the Rolling Stones, too.

I liked the Merlot punchline, too.  I like to marinate, especially if I'll be grilling. If it wasn't for the gout tendency I'd probably go ahead and get embalmed early, so I don't run into that slow decline like Anna Nicole or James Brown or Lenin did.

Ace; I've gotta think of a joke where James Brown, Anna Nicole Smith and Lenin walk into a bar...  or Red Square.  Ooh; a bar on Red Square. 

[pat]

Naa, if two cannibals were eating JeSteR they would most likely say it tasted like chicken.

Hey, now that's funny.          Jester.................the other white meat.

Man, sometimes I crack myself up.

I wasn't there but I guess I'm a trusting sort of guy and if they were supposed to be dried in the sun, who am I to dispute that? I suppose they could have been tumble dried though. I've seen some grapes that were well on the way to being raisins and they weren't in the sun. I found those, way in the back, behind some other stuff, in the fridge, so I guess anything is possible.

[Ace]

You're probably well-marbled.

Ok, let's try this one:  Anna Nicole Smith and James Brown finally are laid to their final rest (finally) and they find themselves on Red Square, where they run into Lenin.  And Anna Nicole says, "Huh.  I thought it'd be Paul McCartney here."

And James Brown goes "I FEEL GOOD!"  But really he didn't.

ace; anything is possible.  Pretty much.

[pat]

Well, you may be on to something there. There is definitely more of me here than there was a few short months ago. That darn middle age spread is spreading out. It�s time to do a little spring-cleaning with some diet and exercise. Maybe one of those low carb, low impact sort of things.