Animal Humor

[pat]

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!" The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!" The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

[pat]

The scene: It's 1882 and a hot, dusty summers day in Dodge City. Suddenly at the edge of town, appears a 3-legged dog astride a large white horse. Women and children run in fear. The 3-legged dog rides up to the saloon and goes inside. He walks to the bar and says "gimme a shot of red-eye". Shaking and quivering the bartender pours a glass of whiskey. The 3-legged dog throws it back and says "gimme another". Shaking and quivering, the bartender pours another. The 3-legged dog slams it down and turns to look at the crowd. The Sheriff makes his way through the crowd and faces the 3-legged dog. "We don't get many 3-legged dogs around here, what's your business?" The 3-legged dog pushes away from the bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw".

[pat]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[pat]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Dr. Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?", screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

Then the veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "Six hundred dollars?!?! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan ......."

[Gracie]

giggle giggle,very funny,spesh the lab-cat one....I have sent the page to my best beloved to give him a laugh too :)

[Gracie]

Hi folks, Pete is the real teller of this story. He first wrote it over the internet to me when we were courting. It endeared him to me forever.

Gracie:)

This story is set in an English pub, before the days when they were allowed to open all day.  Please note, this is a *shortened* version:

It's just before opening time and the barman is using the calm before the storm to read his 'How to be a good barman' book.  He's reading the chapter which says that a good barman *never* ever shows surprise at *anything*!!

Opening time arrives and one of the first customers to enter the bar is a man accompanied by a panda.  This strikes the barman as unusual but, as his book taught, he shows no surprise and says 'Good evening, what can I get you?'.  'Oh, just a half-pint of bitter for me and a lettuce sandwich for my friend.' says the man.

The barman serves the beer and the sandwich and the man picks up the tankard of beer.  The panda eats the sandwich and then turns to the man who takes a revolver from his coat pocket and hands it to the panda.  The panda points the gun up at the ceiling and looses off all six shots, returns the gun to the man, turns and walks out of the bar.

Despite his training, the barman is, by now, slightly astonished and asks the question 'what was all that about?'.

The man says 'It's quite simple really, just look up "Panda" in the dictionary.'.  With that, he returns the revolver to his coat pocket, then he too leaves the bar.

After closing time, when all the glasses have been washed and all the ash-trays emptied, the barman finds a dictionary and turns to the entry for "Panda".

It says: 'Panda, black and white mammal, member of the raccoon family, eats shoots and leaves.'.

[Ace]

Ok, okay, hold on a minute.  That was all going very well and all, even though I don't know whose idea it was to interject jokes and "humour" into the dang Funny Bone room.  I don't think that's what it was meant for, but so be it.  

But criminy.  Not a dang Panda joke, people.  Puh-leeze.  Let's try to contain ourselves, shall we?  Show some dang discipline!?  Remember, there could be children wandering through.  *.  !.  ?!.  !!.  

Geez freaking Louise.  And blaming Pete for it all; heck, I haven't seen Pete since the last dang monkey joke.  And I know he has enough sense and taste and composure not to place a stinking dang furry matted furball stinking low-life vile crummy stinking hairball filthfest crudsoaked stinking fatbutted cruddy foulsmelling and may I add *stinking* panda to a story.  

That was uncalled for.  Peeps, indeed.  Dangit.  

I did especially like the "mole" joke, though.  I actually had to think, for a minute, until it hit me.  

Ace; Pandas are Giant Raccoons.  Now, that's a redeeming quality.

[Gracie]

so you don't like it Ace? Tuff, I thought it was funny and pandas are SWEET ( which is more than can be said for some humans). Hmph.

[Ace]

Geez Louise, Gracie, we're talking Pandas here.  The only "sweet" would be the smell of death if one expires.  

Yes, the joke was funny.  Sure.  But horrifying, since Pandas were included.  They are the Epitome of Evil, in the Animal Kingdom.  They Personify Putrefaction.  They answer the musical question, "How Come They aren't all Dead, Huh?".

If Oppossums are the crossing guards of the animal kingdom, then Pandas are the Lawyers.  They're lower than low, particularly when lying in their filth and matted fur in the corner of their confines at the National Zoo, where I had the pleasure to watch them entertain the paid attendees by lying motionless in their filth.  

The difference between a Panda, and Plymouth Rock, is that 1. The Rock is cleaner 2. It moves, more.  3. It is more entertaining.  4. It smells better.

Otherwise, it's a wash.  Which would be of benefit to any Panda, if it would actually help.  Once you get that dirty, it's beyond hope.  

Ace; good joke, though.  Any joke where the Panda gets shot would be ok.

[Gracie]

we jus going to have to agree to disagree on the matter of Pandas bro - I expect you would stink too if you were holed up in some cage 24/7 instead of living as you were supposed to be living. My sympathies are with them - but if they sent them all back to China, I guess that would please both of us huh?

Glad you liked the joke :)

[pat]

He lives all alone but the bamboo forest knows him
Now his land is taken by man he's got nowhere left to go
When he used to roam through all of China's mountains
It was his home--the only place he knows

He was born on the mountain's Eastern side
Where the sun brings the morning to the sky
In the snow the human hunters hide
A shot is heard but no one hears him cry


Oh Panda Bear--my gentle friend
I don't want to say goodby
Oh Panda Bear--when will the killing end
When will we see the light?


He can feel the night, the last sunset is in his eyes
They will carry him away, take his beauty for their prize
Ah, but hunger would have come when the bamboo forest died


Oh Panda Bear--you can't seem to win
No matter how hard you try
Oh Panda Bear--my gentle friend
I don't want to say goodbye


Now his body lies on the mountain's Western side
He was sold to a man whose money has no pride
Shining fur traded for gold but the price is too high
His kind is almost gone He wants to survive


He was born on the mountain's Eastern side
Where the sun brings the morning to the sky
If we will try to share that morning light
We will find that we all have the right to life


Oh Panda Bear--my gentle friend
I don't want to say goodbye
Oh Panda Bear--when will the killing end
When will we get it right?
Panda

[Ace]

"Oh gentle Panda Bear friend.."

Oh, for crying out loud.  Look; first off, there's no way anyone is gonna kill a Panda for its "fur", any more than you'd kill a garbage can so as to wear it.  Only shine on that fur would be grease.

Secondly, if left alone to mate in captivity, Pandas would be extinct in no time anyway.  

Thirdly, we could send Pandas into Baghdad and clear out the whole dang city in nothing flat.  

Fourthly, if a Panda was born on the mountain's Eastern side he'd fall off it, and expedite matters.  

Next, will hear an ode "Oh Poor Rattlesnake" or "My friend, the Warthog" or "My Dad couldn't Buy me a Compost Heap, so I got a Panda instead."  

You couldn't even make a good landfill outta Pandas, as no one would want to live on it, after.  

And, for your information, I am holed up in a dang cubicle.  At least I know enough to not lay in the corner, on the concrete, avoiding any hint of entertainment value.  Well, while my coworkers are here, at least...  after, I don't see the harm.

Ace; I bet the bamboo is thrilled to see him coming, too.

[pat]

A frog goes to have his fortune told.

The fortune teller looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're
about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know
everything about you."

The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't
miss her."

The fortune teller says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're
going to meet her in her freshman biology class."

[pat]

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

[Ace]

I used that one yesterday; it was a big hit.  Thanks.

They thought I made it up.  Thanks.

I suppose I could've given you credit, but then there'd be less for me.  Who needs that.

Hey; I figured what they used to slice off the high priest's ear; the axe of the apostles.  See; that's one I did make up.  You can tell the difference.  I know I can.

If you would, please, poast more jokes that I can use and take credit for.  Credit for which to take.  I would.  Thanks.

ace; jesters are professional.  They don't write their own material.

[pat]

Hey, glad you could use it.
The thing about peacocks though, they are scarier than sea gulls, what with all those eyes staring at you.

So here?s another little joke. I won?t name names, wouldn?t want to put anyone on the spot. I?ll just refer to the participants as Poaster One and Poaster two.

Poaster One and Poaster two were walking through the woods one-day and came upon some tracks. Poaster One said,  ?Those are low-life indigenous mean-spirited stinking mankind-hating backstabbing plotting scheming Panda tracks.? Poaster Two said, ?I don?t think so, they look like Rattlesnake tracks to me.? Then Poaster One said, ?Crimy, listen to what I?m telling you. I?ve been to the D.C. Zoo and I?ve seen them, I?d know Panda tracks if I saw them.? Poaster Two still maintained they were Rattlesnake.
Well our two fellow Poasters continued to argue on and on. They were still arguing when the train came through and ran them both over.

[Ace]

Ok; okay.  Let me take a shot at this one.  Thank goodness we've got a quiz poasted.. it's been a long time since we had a chatroom test.

The one Poaster has got to be Bubba.  I think the parka gave it away.

The other, I'm not so sure.  I think it's key that the one is Poaster *One*, but the other is just Poaster two.  Little "t".  Until later, when it's "Two."

So; that means there are really 3 Poasters; One, Two and two.  

Wait a minute; one Two and two are 5.   Shoot, there's a bunch of Poasters in this thing.  Crimy.  Or Criminy, whichever.

That's almost as many as Bubba's two twin grandkids, plus one.  Ok; let's look at the setting of the story.  There are Rattlesnakes, you'd think, so it isn't Michigan.  Could be Mishawaka, with the train tracks, since yesterday some guy jumped in front of one there.  The train won.  

Maybe it's one of those "A train left Mishawaka and another left Illinois, heading for the Lake.  If the one was going 50 mph and the 2nd was going 35 mph, which one got to the lake first and where is it now?"

Well, it'd be at the bottom.  Crikey, it's a lake, and a train.  The lake's gonna win.

ACe; it's the third guy that has me stumped.

[pat]

Shoot Ace, no wait, don't shoot Ace.

I'll start over.

Shucks Ace, why did you want to be an English Major?
I think you missed your calling, you should have been a Math Professor. With you knack for creative accounting the budget people over in D.C. could have used a guy like you.

[Ace]

I've got 4 renditions of "Train Kept a Rollin'" on CD.  That's enough for anyone, I'd think.  Even though the new Yardbird's composite disc has a new version, with Joe Satriani.  

You know, I'd consider that but I think my ethics would get in the way.  Ethos. Pathos.  Pathogens.  Paths to Enlightenment.  Dang, I should have taken Greek, too.

I was relieved to see we got the oil flowing, before the water.  

I didn't plan to be an English Major originally.  Shoot, I don't remember planning anything, originally.  Can't say I do now, either.  Even as an Advisor, and Counselor, I don't usually tell people what to do.  I use the Lilith Stearnan (criminy, no,  I don't know how to spell the last names of people on Cheers.  I don't hardly remember who they were, at this point) approach of "What do you think?" when someone asks me what they should do.  I figure that way I'm not liable for damages.  Lible.  Libel.  

Ace; Scuzzy, he said don't shoot, dangit.  So don't be cruising through here with guns drawn, alright!?!  Or anything else drawn or jpegged or giffed or other computer based stuff.  

[Neon]

Well, I have 5 separate recorded performances of "Moon River". So there, I win. ;D

Interestingly enough, did you know that at one time, pandas were extremely common, and roamed in great herds through the jungles and swamps of central China. They were the most fearsome and powerful of creatures, however they were no match for the ancient Chinese hunters. The most elite of these were the panda-hunters, nopahk ging, who developed a variety of secret panda hunting techniques. Many of these techniques survive to this very day, in modern police forces throughout the world, by the way. The panda stronghold was a swampy area of central China that was kept swampy by the jiang mian yue, which is the Chinese version of Moon River. Now that's a true story you can tell your kids about.

Neon -- the Clifford Claven of Poasters

[Ace]

Well, aren't you just the Woody Boyd of wood.  Natural Born doofus.

Moon River?  Criminy, whattya got; Andy Williams Live Andy Williams Christmas Show Andy Williams and the Osmonds Andy Williams and the Ozbournes Andy Williams in the Shower. ? .

I don't have kids, so I'm not spreading the news.  

Nopahk ging must've meant "without a clue."  As with jiang mian yue, "place where the sewers dump."

Drano was invented to rid them, of them.  Pandas, that is.  Not likely you can plunge one out, when they plug.

Ace; Pandas are black and white.  So are skunks.  Imagine a 300 lb. skunk.. Got it?  That's a panda.  Fearsome.  Powerful.  Shock.  Awe.  Stench.  Ech.