ACE's GRAMMYS

[Ace]

Grammies.  Grandmas.  Whatever.

STRANGEST SPECTACLE SINCE WATCHING BRIAN WILSON TWITCHING TO "LITTLE SAINT NICK"

Sly Stone, disguised as a yellow mohawk.  Honestly, I thought "Who is this guy they've got out here, kinda acting like Sly at Woodstock but subdued and strange..?"  Didn't know it was actually him.  Besides the occasional low key vocals I was trying to figure out the two finger keyboarding style.  Right up there with Paul McCartney's "Chopsticks" solo on the first song.

OLD ROCKER MOST RESEMBLING TWEETY BIRD AWARD

Well, if Sly Stone became Foghorn Leghorn then the other must go to Sir Paul.  Actually, I thought McCartney looked good; slim and trim and nice hair.  And he did rock out on Helter Skelter, sounding pretty much like he always has on that.  Group did have a problem ending songs, though.  I am glad he and Mick and the rest of the Stones haven't gotten old and fat and decrepit.  Sure, they're old(er) but they still perform.  If you want to see an example of "Ok, who's an old rocker who's just old and fat and bald and hideous" check out Eric Burdon on a oldies reunion tour show.  Talk about your weird gross uncle you don't want to visit.

OK KELLY YOU CRY A LOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT

Clarkson.  Funny that Idol was competing with the Grammies, and we viewed it mostly instead.

RETURNING DIVA MOST RESEMBLING A COW

Maria, you have completely forgotten how to sing. The hand motion while doing vocal blips and scales and that bizarre dog whistle thing has got to stop.  Maybe if she only sang in church it would make sense.

ALRIGHT, I GIVE UP.  WHO Are THE GORILLAZ?

The cartoon figures?  The black rappers?  The back up band behind Madonna?  I have no idea.

STILL HOT BUT KINDA EMBARRASSINGLY SO

Madonna.  Kinda wonder why, anymore, as far as "what's the point."

MOST DULL BORING I'M NOT GETTING GIRLIE ACTION FIGURE

John Legend.  Yawn.  Criminy.

THEY ROCK. THEY'RE IRISH. THEY'RE BAD. THEY'RE WORLDWIDE

U2.  Pretty predictable but that's not always a bad thing.

OTHER VOICES ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR

Ok, besides Mariah we've had Aaron Neville drifting off into the stratosphere at the Superbowl and Steven Tyler last night.  You know, watching guys from Aerosmith, the Stones really don't look all THAT bad...

NEWEST ORDINARY GUY DATING NICOLE KIDMAN AWARD

Keith Urban seems ok.  Especially vocally.  He did some nice guitar fills playing lead behind Faith Hill.  I think she's prettier, at least by a little.  Sure was in nonbusiness casual.

STRANGEST BILLOWING BLACK DRESS AND PUT DOWN THE STUPID PURSE ALREADY AWARD

Kelly Clarkson.  Probably has to dry clean it after all the crying.

BEST IMPERSONATATION OF A NEVERWINTER MAGICAL UNDERDRESSED PRIESTESS WITCH SOMETHINGOROTHER

Terri Hatcher.  She's so shallow, you can see right through her... Maybe one of Cher's old get-ups.

MOST SURLY AWARDS CROWD I CAN REMEMBER

Last night's.  I mean, it was weird how some people reacted not at all to some people (Kelly Clarkson, with the orchestra... people frowning and sitting on their hands a lot) even during standing Os, with some absolutely not gonna participate.

MOST IRONIC CELEBRATION OF MUSIC IN LIGHT OF THE BREAKING PAYOLA SCANDLE

You got it.  "Thanks to my record company for paying my way into your hearts and minds and tonight's award..."

BEST AND WORST PARTS I CAN'T SPECULATE ON

Everything else, since I was more attentive to American Idol and parts of the PU game and then went to bed...  

WHAT I'LL LISTEN TO ON THE RADIO, TODAY

Nothing.  I've got CDs in the car

Ace T. Jester; LA correspondent.  la la la  la di da

[Ace]

Jennifer Love Hewitt appeared, with the Black Eyed Peas.  I guess in the pod.  

I guess she fit in ok, but they jump around and pose more.

Ace; as the Ghost Whisperer, maybe she got with Sly afterward..

[Ace]

I guess that's what the "Beautiful People" do.

Last time I was in a dress, I danced.

Ace; been awhile.