More Blond(e)...

[JimS]

Okay, here's one:
A blonde was taking the behind-the-wheel portion of her driver's exam and handled most maneuvers well, but she had trouble parallel parking and ended up about a foot from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" asked her examiner.
She unbuckled her seat belt, slid across the seat, cuddled up to him, and asked, "Okay. Now what?"

And another:
Two blondes walk into a bar....  You'd think they would have seen it first.

Once more:
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers.  The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.  At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted three miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.  The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.  The next day, the redhead painted five miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde four miles.  The boss told her not to worry, because she still had a good lead.  So, on the third day the redhead had painted six miles, the brunette five miles and the blonde only one mile.  The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well?"  She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

Back to work.  I'll try for more later.  Linda's in loose bondage in the cellar, by the way.

[Ace]

Those are all great; thanks J and Js.  Hold on a minute while I write them down. It'll take awhile.

Ace; dang pad is in the other room.

[Ace]

I used that one, Ja. Worked great. Thanks. I like the ones that are easy to remember since

well, just because.  Hopefully, Murphy will soon lock in mortal combat with his snow blower and I'll be able to watch and chortle or guffaw gleefully.  His mower nearly killed him last summer as he yanked its chain for a half hour before resorting to putting gas in it, so with the drop in temperature I'm thinking a similar struggle with a blower could turn lethal.  That, or he decides to ride the motorcycle and either impales himself with the garage door or comes flying out in the street and crashes into my yard.
Wait; make that George's yard or Manny's yard.  I don't want him tearing up my yard.

If he was Murphy Blond instead of Murphy Brown I could use him as a joke.  Hold it; I think I just did.

Ace; I do have to get some new shoes.

[Bill]

That deserves a round of applause!

Bill

[Ace]

That always confuses me, when you come across a solitary poast on its own page and it refers to a previous poast on a previous page and you wonder "what the heck is he talking about?"  Always.

Ok, I've got one hand clapping but I'm not about to prance down any ice encrusted snowy Michiana streets.  I may go down and do the Nordic Track in a minute, but I'm not walking out of the basement.

You know, if the kid was blond(e) too he'd probably walk into the wrong house...  Alright; anyway, keep them coming.  Have a fresh new page to fill up here.  Let's get going.

Ace; c'mon, you guys. Get going.

[Ace]

"The few... the blonde... the...."

Ok; take a deep breath.  Let's not travel that slippery slope that is the home-made rushed panicky "shoot I gotta come up with something quick dangit" blonde joke.  Take your time.  Look back on that mailbox one and take pride in its construction, logic and effectiveness.  Seek that standard, in all you tell.

Let me see if I can patch that one up, while you're thinking of a good one...

"A select few blondes were walking down the street when a camera crew came up and said "Excuse us, ladies, but we're holding a competion for The Select Few Dumbest Blondes Ever and wanted to know if you'd like to participate...?"
"Sure!" "Sure!" "Sure!" said the blondes, which goes without saying.
"Ok then, contestant Number 1, why do you think you should be chosen?"
"Because I'm the Dumbest Blonde I've ever met!"
"Ok... good point. How about you, contestant blonde Number 2?"
"Because I'm more selected than anyone I know!"
"Alright... If you say so.  How about you, Contestant Number 3?"
"Well, I should be chosen because I'm fewer than the other two combined!"

Ok, now that that's over, let's move on to the good ones. 

Ace; this oughta be good.

[Bill]

How about "fix a flop?" 

[Ace]

First off, I'm not that good with story problems because I start getting people confused.  Well, first I get myself confused, and then work on them.

I'm ok with making an early morning service call, if it's an emergency.  I honestly don't know that to do with those besides read them, which I did.  That school joke was awright. A'ight. The drunk joke sorta lost me, and I'm sober so it's not that.  I'm not sure why a blonde would want a priest AND a rabbi, but it's a joke so I guess anything can happen.

I'll just let them stand on their own demerits, and not try to duct tape them into a different configuration.  I do like "Crucifixx a Flat" by ZZ Top.  J and Bill made me think of that. 

Ace; if you steal a joke it's yours, so don't worry about the copyright.

[Ace]

I didn't say I didn't like them much.  I said one of them was a'ight.

That was quite a long history, but I guess history tends to take awhile.  My brother was a history major, and he can take forever sometimes.

As far as I'm concerned, bleach stinks.  I sprayed some on my tulip tree to try to zap the annual mushroom.  It didn't turn blond, but it also didn't do much of anything else.  The squirrels are kinda blond, which explains some things.

Ace; "the man was acting historical, as he ran up and down the street screaming the dates of various past events."

[scuzzy]

This is almost painful to watch, but it is funny (depending on your sense of humor): Funny Blonde on YouTube

[Ace]

Well, I can see that was hot off the pile but I don't know if it's dendrites.  I take it back that I called that other one long; this gives new meaning to the term.  It's almost like, toward the end, that I'd heard it before.

I tuned into Scuzzy's link but it said I had my flasher off or should download the newest and everytime I hit it it didn't do anything so I stopped.  I usually have my java off, until the morning, so maybe I'll go to that again.  Normally whenever someone here says "Oh! Go Here and Look At This" it's a hoax so I never get my hopes up, anyway.

"He kept his hopes down, so as not to be disappointed..." That usually comes right after you've been running around historically.

Is there a sequel to this last one then?  Is inane dumb a double negative, like "stinking panda," making it positive?

Ace; I didn't say I didn't like it.  1865!  1976!

[Ace]

I'm not gonna go and watch some dumb blonde joke video from work. Dangit.

Ace; "not my sandwich"... geez Blondie.

[Ace]

No. I did not.  I definitely did not, and have absolutely no interest in the Alabama job.  I deny any involvement in the stated activity, and refuse comment on the matter.

Ok, alright, yes I did.  Another feather in my Computer Techie cap. There's no telling where my expertise will take me.  I'll add that to my skills in:
1. deleting email
2. changing my desktop colors
3. changing my screensaver
4. changing how long it takes my screensaver to kick in
5. updating anti-spyware programs. sometimes.
5. changing the battery. at least on my old one.
6. plugging in my camera into the USB port. rightside up.
7. changing the AA's in the camera.  About every 15 minutes of use.
8. knowing enough to not order from Monarch, again.
9. not letting Scuzzy sell me any of his old junk
10.stopping lists at 10, just because I think they're supposed to.

Ace; or, as they say in Sweden, "Hurdy gurdy burdy gurdy."

[Ace]

Yes. On that first one.  One night this week I boot up at night and sign in and I'm at the end of a response to the snow shovel thing and it disappears...  I just stared and turned off.

I haven't been into REM for awhile; I have seen a great concert video by them; someplace where there was a big open park (think there were trees..).  They were more impressive than usual, to me.  "The One I Love" was a great song in my opinion; I remember buying the single to that.  Whoa, that was awhile ago.
Or "what's the frequency, Kenneth?" as they say to Dan Rather.

ace; I just hate when I jump, going to sleep... it's hard to sleep through that.

[Mark H]

I don't think you are as dumb as I look.   :P

If that was directed at Ace, then I would shudder at how dumb you must look.  ;D ;)

Mark H

[Ace]

That's ok, Mahrk, I don't think I'm as slow as you think. 

I tried to look up "Jehosophat" but I didn't know how to spell it so I didn't bother.  I haven't heard that one for a long time; good dig. 

Ace; "he shoulda shuddered when the shutters shut." Oh; almost forgot the punctuation:  :-X :) :D :-X

[Mark H]

Shutter?  ;D

Click!  ;D

[halokid]

A Blonde threw a rock at the ground and missed!

(simple and to the point)

[Ace]

Good job, Halo.  Succinct, to the point, crisp and funny as well.  You saved the poast from having the lights turned out on it, and anyone who is able to keep the lights on in here deserves commendation.  You da man. 

Now; time for a joke.  Step on up; JimS, you're due.  Pat, you're slacking as usual.  J, you can even try to make one up but I can't guarantee I can do anything with it.  Bill, if you don't have a blonde joke say something funny about your dog or Southerners.  I'd even ask for Scuzzy to share a weather report if nothing else, but "wintry snow" is getting redundant out there.

Ace; I'm waiting.

[Mark H]

Never ask a blond what day it is.
The answer is always, "Payday!"

There!
Your wait is over.
Shorter than short.
Funnier than funny.
And I definitely just now made it up.
I take fool credit for it.

I think you need more sleep.  ::)

Mark H

[Ace]

Ok, look; I didn't think it's right of Mahrk to kill off this poast.  I mean, the world needs blonde jokes, if just for a place for blondes to go to feel at home.  Not their home, understandably, but somebody's.

So; here's a blond(e) joke for today, and hopefully to revitalize this chain and bring JimS in here and Pat and even JA if he doesn't try to make stuff up to add some funny takes on blondness.

Blond Joke for the First of February but look fast or it'll be gone soon:

Joe Biden.

Ok, you guys, take it.

Ace; his hair is pretty nice. It's holding up good.

[Ace]

Well, one less blonde joke... Anna Nicole is dead. 

Ace; I'm betting the son was the father... 

Next Blond Joke: Wade Phillips, Cowboys Coach.  the result of a nationwide search to find a fat white haired guy to run your team.  Into the ground. 

[Bill]

In the spirit of very short blond(e) jokes, how about Rosie O'Trump?

Bill

[Ace]

Hey!  You made me remember another good SuperBowl commercial; the one with the guy with the combover that was from his beard...  That's right up there with ear hair sideburns and nose hair moustaches.

I'm always surprised on The Apprentice why someone doesn't just stand up during the abuse and say "You know, I really don't want to work for a jerk like you" and leaves.

Of course, I also wonder why anyone hires Rosie for anything.  Anywhere. 

Ace; Book for blondes:  "Why Not to Choose Marilyn Monroe As Your Role Model"

[Allie-Baba]

Trump swears it's not a toupe' - liar.




"Pamela Anderson - the other blond joke".

I do think though that the shortest blond joke in history is Ace.  No wait I mean Ace's comment - "Joe Biden".  Sorry, I need to complete my thoughts before I type them.

It acts as both a noun and a verbe.

THNX
BRAD

[Ace]

I must say I've never been accused as acting like a verbe.

I think that's a Scandinavian Furby.  Anyway, no, I don't think it is a toupe.  I mean, nobody could make or sell something that looks like that.  I've stared at it for a loooong time and can't figure the sweep.  It looks like it's brushed back, but that doesn't explain the dip and roll over in front.  But if it's from the back, then where did it originate?  It is a modern mystery. 

I saw the new photo (well, last) of Anna Nicole in bed with the Bahamian official.  Was there ANYbody she didn't get in bed with..?  I guess maybe the methadone and other notions and sundries in her fridge might have helped with her standard of living. 

I was at Target and coupons would appear after your receipt... the register girl looked at it and asked skeptically "you don't want a coupon for hair color, do you..?" about the Nice & Easy coupon.  I said "sure, for my wife."  I guess she hadn't thought of that. 

My head is naturally off-white anyway.  Usually off color, too. 

THINX
ACE; Tommy Lee - the other something or other

[Mark H]

Sent to me by a friend:
__________________________________

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, .....

"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

[pat]

Oh, nice try Mark, but just wait, someone will be along and tell you that joke was back on page10 or 12 or 97 of this infernal joke thing. Followed by made up jokes, some bad some really bad.

It�s tough being blonde.

[Ace]

I believe that one was poasted in one of the previous chatrooms... probably the black background neon (no, not that Neon) one or in the Q room back in '98...

Ace; probably in chalk on the walls of a cave somewhere in France...

[Bill]

Blond(e) calls the Fire Department, "Help, My house is on fire!"

Fireman says "Ok, how do we get there?"

"Duh, in a big red truck!?"