THE UNCOVERED ACTUAL TIRADE

[Ace]

Recent news events have informed us of an alleged cover-up of a tirade videotaped during the arrest of Actor-Director and apparent Owner Of Malibu Mel Gibson.  While originally stated to be nothing much at all, and then allegedly an anti-Semitic rant, we now find through this just released transcript the actual text and target of Mr. Gibson's wrath; apparently, the original tape was misunderstood and Gibson did not voice his deep resentment regarding "Jews" but rather... well, here it is -

Filed by Los Angeles Sheriff's Deputy Bob Ewe, partner of the arresting officer James Mee:

Mel Gibson's actual taped tirade:

My life is... great!  I'm Mel ____ Gibson!  What do you think you're doing?!  I'm not going to get into your car! (at this point Mr. Gibson bolted for his car, and was cuffed and brought back...) I'm going to do something bad to you, you! I own this town! I'll use all my money to get back at you!  And there's a lot of it, dangit! I'm BRAVEHEART, you maroon!  I own Malibu!  Not to mention this Pacific Coast Highway!  And my bottle of tequila!  That's mine, too!  You only rent tequila, you know... (Gibson then launched into the following tirade, after seeing the officer's badge, and noticing a Jester standing by the side of the road watching the arrest go down):
What's your name, Bozo?  "Levity"..?  Is that right? Well, Stinking Jesters Started All The Wars In The World!  And Bad Jokes, too!  And they put the ____ worm in the ___ bottles of tequila!! (the jester is heard faintly on the tape at this point, stating that it's mezcal that has the worm, and not tequila) Look, you ___ know it all ____ dumb__ Jester doofus!  Your stinking people stink worse than pandas stink!  Yeah!  And I'm not only rich, and famous, and darn good looking, and the father of ... I don't know, but there's a lot of them.. uh... AND, I'm the ___ King of Malibu!  And Jesters are The Bottom of the undercarriage of the dumpster that hauls away panda ___!  You're lower than that, even!  Oh, and also you started all the wars, ever, and your stupid hat is stupid.  Plus the shoes; stupid upturned stupid shoes!  Probably normal sized, and not even really small!!  Your people wouldn't know how to wrap up a dang post (sic) in a chatroom, on the whole stupid internet!! Which is probably Run By Jesters!  Who, are vile and horrible and are the scourge of mankind and cause of all war and you idiots probably created the pandas in some deviant laboratory experiment in the first place, and put me in a stupid movie with Renee Russo as the leading lady, criminy, and who knows what all else.  Oh, and also, You Stink and are ____ stupid and if I had a dang monkey I'd mount him on you, you jerk Jester jack__!  Geez Louise, you joyful freaking freak!  Plus, I own Malibu, too.  Yeah.

At this point, the actor-direct0r-misunderstood soul was taken to the police station where he was taken to a bathroom and then a pay phone, in that order.  Jesters are considering his lukewarm apology as expressed the next day, and his request to "Help me laugh this off... with you fine people" and that "I have battled the effects of alcoholism every time I drink a ridiculous amount of tequila, plus drive really fast through my town, Malibu" plus "if I had my dang face painted blue and white and was holding a big axe, I bet none of this would have happened" at which point Levity, the Jester on the scene, said "maybe."

Ace; undercover.

[Buffalo2102]

He he.  Sounds more ike Mel Brooks than Mel Gibson.

Buff; he spelt poast wrong

[Ace]

I think what he may have actually said was "I own A Malibu"....

Ace; you'd think he'd have a nicer car, what with his money.

[Buffalo2102]

Maybe he's got a Malibu Stacey.  Or Barbie.

Buff; ladies man

[Ace]

Boy, if he does his wife is gonna give him one tirade herself.

You know, I'm thinking Tequila is probably been the cause of a heck of a lot of conflicts, if not outright wars.  At least until the users pass out.  I still would classify the stuff as an hallucinogen...

Ace; "Ah Don Whan ma Freedom!  Ah own Mahlabuu!!"

[Buffalo2102]

Yep.  I can't think of anything else that would make me flash my a*$ at an opposing army.

Buff; except money.

[Ace]

You know, THAT has probably started more wars than anything.

No, not your a&!.  Money.  Of course, wars cost a lot of money so you have to pillage after just to make a profit.  That's why we're getting all this cheap oil for cheap gas.

Right.

Ace; after we switch to ethanol we'll probably attack Indiana, for its corn.

[Buffalo2102]

Causes of war include religion, money (poverty), assassination, madness, and having a slight suspicion that someone may have a weapon or two that they shouldn't.  Or oil.  Possibly.

Buff; my a*$ has caused a few arguments but no wars yet.

[Ace]

Yeah, I like to attack people I think may have weapons.

You know, those are all common causes of war-s, but don't forget Jesters!  Stupid Jesters have probably drawn fire from both sides, to start a number of conflicts.

"Let me shoot the dang Jester!"  "No!  We want to kill him first!"  "No way!  We called it!"  "Oh yeah?!  Well, then we're gonna bomb you, right after we take out him!" "Oh, you go ahead and try it!"

Yeah.  That's so typical.

Ace; if someone comes after our corn, we oughta pop it first.

[Ace]

You seem to say "smart" like it's some sort of insult...

Look, I don't use "oil" on popcorn.  Not since I ditched that stupid metal contraption with the hinged lid and the crank that would smoke and burn and get really "authentic."  I microwave the stuff.  When we were kids, my brother would constantly make popcorn in his "air popper."  With the butter coated plastic bowl, that would turn nicely rancid.

Well, I remember the end of the 50's, when I was 4 or 5.  But not well.  And not shaving.  I do wish somebody would make a decent double blade shaver, besides "Sensor."  I cannot get into a dumb 5 or 10 bladed contraption.

I do like the reference to Joe Jackson ("Look Sharp!") plus that Duke of Oil line was the best dang bad pun we've had here since Jims Wives Left the building.  Good job.

You could put my "smart" with Buff's "a#(" and get someone really

well, like that.

Ace; I still say it's better than being a dumb one.

[Bill]

See if you can find a Gilette Altra.  Nice heavy metal (not the music) handle and twin blades.  Maybe in the back shelves of an old Pharmacy or Drug Store.  

Tough to find in NJ and I can't even find the blades down here.   More blades present a greater number of opportunities to cut myself, again.

Bill; someone should tell Mel that flashing is anti-social.

[Ace]

You know, I grew up on Wilkinson Sword blades. Singles.  Sure, I'd slice my face but dang I liked the precision.  Grease, at Purdue, would shave with a straight razor... I thought that was just nuts.

Actually, I'm using a Norelco every morning except if I don't for a day or two. That's when I bring out the real deal.  I had a great Braun but the NiCad died or something, and I switched to the other.  I'll look for an Atra; I remember those.  But, if there's no blades, then there ya go...

I like Blade, by the way.  Nice vampire flicks.  And I think, at the end of Braveheart, he does have a can of Bawls.  At least, by his expression.

Ace; I still have to figure out what that stuff is.