JESTERS make MISTAKES NO JOKE

[Ace]

1. Really
2. Sincerely
3. Duh
4. Always
5. Every single stinking time

Otherwise, in my role as Jester I am obligated to attempt "jokes."  As anyone can testify who's been here for any time at all, I can not.  My try at joke creation has been historically banal, circumspect and at best mystifying.  I didn't even care much for Myst, since I got tired of trying to remember what book said what and it takes too darn long between puzzles to kill anything.  I tried killing the normal citizenry in Never Winter Nights last night, just because... I always wanted to knock Griswold on his fat _#(@ in Diablo, especially when he stiffed me on a lousy sword, but you can't in that game.

So, on with the show, this is it:

Two dogs walk into Miss Kitty's saloon and say to Miss Kitty "Hey, you know we just got married..."  Miss Kitty responded, "Well, that's great.  Congratulations."  The male dog says, "Yeah.... I know she's a b()#@ but I still love her."  At which the female looks up above the bar and asks, "Hey, if I may ask.  How come you have all these photos of monkeys mounted above the bar?"  Miss Kitty glances back and scans the pictures, and says "I found the set of PHOTOS which I AFFIXED above the BAR on eBay... it seemed like it would add a nice ambience to the place." "I didn't know they had a bar on ebay," said one of the dead monkeys.  Right then a Panda walks into the saloon, and everybody shouts "Hey, Stinkpot!  We don't allow your kind in here!!?!@!"  At which the Panda catches a glimpse of himself in the bar mirror, and shakes his head saying "Well, sure... I understand, and agree completely" and eats his shoes, then leaves.

The blonde waitress comes up to the Mr. And Mrs. Dog and asks "What can I get ya?" To which they say "Can we see a menu?" And she looks perplexed and answers, "Well, duh... I would think you could see one.  They're not invisible!" And walks away.

While the dogs are puzzled by the waitresses inability to serve, and continue to gaze at the monkey pics, a very small customer ambles in and climbs up a bar stool beside them... Mrs. Dog looks over and says, "Uh, say little fella... you look to be a bit young to be in a saloon, aren't you?"  And the tyke answers, "Well, I'm Festus Fetus, child actor.  I'm older than I look you know.. Heck, I used to be in Gunsmoke."  And the dogs look at each other and say, "Geez... I don't remember you in that..."  And Festus answers, "Yeah, I came in after Chester left."  At which point they all nod knowingly and say "Oh, yeah.. sure.  Now we remember."  Festus' little brother, Ernie Embryo, slipped into the bar and shouted in his tiny voice "Hey!  Somebody give me a hand and help me up, dangit!" But no one noticed him, being so small.  Festus Fetus replied "Good.  Oh, and Miss Kitty, do you know many Poasters are named after their cats?"  To which she nodded, and said "Oh, I don't believe that.  That's just nuts."
SQUIRRELS!!!! yelled the busboy, from the bus.Suddenly large fat-pantsed squirrels with beefy arms came in the bar, after hearing "nuts."  The blonde asked "What can I get ya?" At which they answered "We're just here for the free peanuts."  "Freeloaders".... muttered Miss Kitty.

Suddenly, a lone rider rides up (well, that's what they do) on a Buffalo outside the saloon.  Miss Kitty rushes to the door and yells "Don't be bringing no Buffalo in here... we try to run a decent family oriented bar, and Buffalos are banned. You don't know what they might drag in or bring up."  The rider enters alone, scans the customers, and spots the Dogs. Surprisingly, he resembled Mister T and was humming a Vanilla Ice hit.  The waitress noticed, and exclaimed, "My, that's an interesting part in your hair, and part you're humming.  At which point the Buffalo Rider replied, "Well, yes.  Glad you noticed.  I am striving to be a combination of Mr. T, Vanilla Ice, and an East Coast Poaster, and so I've decided to become Long Island Iced T."   He walks up to the married pooches and says "Where the heck have you been?  We were supposed to go out together after the wedding."  And the male dog looks chagrined, and says "Shoot, I'm sorry.  You're right.. you should be here with us."  The blonde and Miss Kitty look at each other perplexed, and ask "Why does he need to be with you?"  The female dog sighs, and answers "Well, he was Dog's Best Man."

Ace; I'll now work up an apology.  7 out of 10 jokes are doomed from the start.

[Buffalo2102]

Not bad.  I think you are improving with age.

I though it was a bit long for a joke really, more like a short story.  I guess that if you had made it shorter you couldn't have got all of those very topical references in.  You could have made it longer and included the SQUIRRELS!, but then we'd have been (more) bored before we reached the end.

Anyway, a good effort and a well-deserved 7/10.  Oh, hang on, I'm not the Professor here, it's not my job to grade you.

Mounted monkeys.........OOOer! :o

[iansl]

Nice joke. I mean seriously, that was well pulled of, even if it was ripped off, a ripoff, or some other thing like that. Now, you might wonder, since I haven't come leaping joyously in telling everyone that my sig PC is back, what in the world am I doing here?

Okay, first thing's first. My sig PC is still in the shop. I'm working from my laptop right now. At first, it was unbearably slow in everything it did. When I used Firefox it seemed even more burnt out (pun intended). So I uninstalled Firefox, as I can't have an afterburner on a tricycle. It would flip the thing over if you gave it long enough. So I'm using plain old Internet Explorer with the (gasp) MSN toolbar right now. It was still slow, but I had Webroot Spy Audit be (Ad)Aware, and it was aware of many things, and had AdAware (mixedness intended) (spy) sweep(er) out the detrius and it seemed to get to the (web)root of the problem. So here I am, happily downloading Eudora 6, typing this to you, with my laptop hooked up to most of my desktop stuff. It's actually doing pretty well now. It's handling synching with my (wireless now defunct) Palm VII that a friend gave me well, and now the internet seems straightened out. I'll try to use GAIM when I have the TIME, which isn't really now.

So that's what's up, plus some humor that I tried to mix in. Hope it compared with Ace's jests, in some way...or no way...except that would also be some way...maybe...

[Ace]

Well, way to go Ian.  Sl.  Try to interject more humour, and you killed my dang poast.

I'm thinking humour is like anti-matter to my poasts.  They're allergic to it, or something.

Ace; what am I doing here.