CUBS LOSE; PANDAS STINK

[Ace]

A.P. WASHINGTON Oct 12, 2005 ? The National Zoo's 3-month-old giant panda cub put his best paw forward Wednesday and took his first full steps.

Until then, the animal had only pulled himself around on his front legs, said chief veterinarian Suzan Muzac. But soon after a medical exam when zoo vets placed the cub back in the cage he shares with his mother Mei Mystake they saw his rear legs kick into action.  One startled zoo attendant jumped into the ceiling fan, and had to be hospitalized.

"He was just moving his front end, and his hind legs sort of moved shakily behind him," Muzac said. "It was really distressing.  I mean, it?s bad enough to see the evil stinkpots sitting still, but watching one start to move is like watching a drowned girl crawl back out of the well"
The cub's examiners also noticed for the first time Wednesday that his teeth have started coming in. They discovered this by attempting to choke it with several pounds of bamboo shoots.  One of the attendants was bitten on the hand, and had to be quarantined.  He was later shot, for his own safety as well as other zoo workers. At his last exam two weeks earlier, veterinarians merely saw bumps on his gums where the teeth would come through, which they saw fit to try to pound back with hammers.

It will still be a while, however, before the cub starts gnawing on bamboo, or anyone?s hand.  He will not be weaned off his mother for another year, Muzac said. That is to increase the likelihood she will also die from the experience, or at least disgust to have a panda attached to her chest.

Veterinarians also observed that the cub had put on some mass since his last exam. He now weighs 12.7 pounds and is 25.5 inches long more than a pound heavier and almost an inch longer than two weeks ago.  Attempts so far have been in vain to have it die and reverse the weight gain.

"Each time we handle him he seems to just grow and grow," Muzac said of the cub who weighed less than two pounds about three weeks after his birth.  You?d think we?d learn to quit touching the vile thing.  It?s like kids finding unexploded bombs in fields, and discovering that if you bounce them around they go off.  You?d think they?d finally put two and two together?  And stick one under the stinking panda, then kick it.

The cub also seemed more alert and aware of his environment, Suzie said.  ?Which is like saying Plymouth Rock is more alert, today? she added.

"Initially he would more or less just lie there," she said. "Now he turns his head and focuses on things. We try not to be in his direct line of vision, since nobody wants to be watched intently by toxic waste wrapped in fur.?  12 zookeepers sat watching the panda eat while blindfolded, but became unconscious due to toxic gases emanating from it.  Several were found piled in a corner of the room, unable to find the doorway due to the blindfolds.  

The cub's next milestone comes Monday, when he gets a name 100 days after his birth in observance of a Chinese tradition.  Most popular choices at this time include ?PingPoo,? ?Poosteyn,? ?Dumpster,? ?Creepy,? ?Satan,? ?Mei Bad,? and ?Killitnow.?

More than 200,000 visitors to the National Zoo's Web site, from as far away as New Jersey and Poland, voted for one of five names proposed by the zoo and Chinese animal conservation officials.  The Chinese officials asked that they not be present during the ceremony, saying in effect ?No chance you?re giving these stinking things back.  That was the deal, you losers.?
But Muzac said the animal's lack of a name has not caused confusion among his caretakers. Much as not having names for the zoo?s toilets or trash containers hasn?t seemed to adversely affect usage.
"We just call him ?The Evil,'" she said.

On the Net:
Giant Stinking Pandas-National Zoo: http://nationalzoo.si./Animals/Mistakes/pandasstink

[Bill]

In a way, this kinda reminds me of Horses----.  Doesn't really matter whether its large or small, it all stinks.

Nice of the Chinese animal conservation officials to allow a name selection.  We only take care of the dang thing, feed it and go to untold expense to be certain it grows up to pollute the local environment.

Bill

[Ace]

Look, I don't write the news, I just report it.

Ace; more or less.

[Ace]

CBS/APA/ASPCA  The National Zoo's giant panda cub, known to its keepers simply as "the cub" since his birth 100 days ago, finally has a name: Tai Chin, which means "peaceful mountain of (#*@."

The name received 44 percent of the estimated 200,000 votes cast on the zoo's Web site, officials said Monday.  58% of the vote was recommending to ?just kill the thing, and call it ?Dead?.?  

The panda went without a name for its first 100 days in observance of a Chinese custom. It's rare for pandas born in captivity to live more than a few days, and keeping the animals nameless is seen as a way to trick it into thinking it never existed at all.  ?Unfortunately, Fate played a cruel trick in this instance? stated General Tsao of the People?s Army.

The cub wasn't present at his naming ceremony. Zoo officials say he probably won't be making his public debut until sometime in December, since his mother is still quite nauseated by him.  ?Gives us more of an opportunity to take them both out, at once? the general hoped.

Panda fans celebrated the 100-day milestone at a zoo ceremony featuring performances by Chinese dance troops and martial artists, most of which tried to stomp and kick the panda cub to death.

Officials from China delivered speeches toasting the fuzzy little cub, and then lit a bonfire to actually toast the little cub. Officials doused the flames to protect neighboring neighborhoods from the ensuing toxic fumes, however.

"It is really important for these guys to get born in captivity," said Dr. Suzan Muzac, the National Zoo chief veterinarian and sometime vegetarian. "We learn a lot from our Chinese colleagues and we share our knowledge as well. So there's a really nice anti-panda community. We all get together and help each other. We're all very committed nurture, study and kill these evil furbags.?

The male cub, born July 9, is the first (tiny) giant panda born at the National Zoo to survive more than a few weeks. The mother, Mai Mystake, and the father, Tian Tian (which means ?Don?t blame it on me; I was drunk?), are on a 10-year loan from China. The Chinese have attempted to lengthen the terms to 1,000 years, but the U.S. has threatened nuclear strikes if that is changed.  ?It?s worth a land war with China, to keep these things out of here? said General Mills.  ?Plus, maybe we?ll take out some of the panda population during a conflict, so that?s worthwhile.?

"He's 13 pounds. Every time we weigh him, he's gained another pound," Muzac said.  ?I know? it begs the question ?why do you keep weighing garbage, especially if you wind up with more garbage..? At least stinking Plymouth Rock doesn?t get any bigger, as far as we can tell.?

"This little panda is such an important ambassador for conservation and symbolizes so much about de-evolution and catastrophes in the wild, and the public's interest in killing vile wildlife. And to actually create him through the artificial insemination techniques, we're so fortunate to have great scientists plus the Army to know how to get rid of it..  I think my exact words upon learning Mai Mystake was pregnant were ?I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.?

Muzac said the number of pandas born in captivity is not large.  ?And hopefully none at all, soon? she added.

"There are about 1,600 pandas in the wild and we're nearing about 180 in captivity," she said. "So it's still not very much, and not that many have been born in this country, and certainly, not through artificial insemination. We're so thrilled to have him dead, soon enough.  Our thinking is if we create them under controlled circumstances we can eradicate them easier."

Tai Chin, pronounced "tie-SHON," spent the morning with his mother, in a den that's still off limits to zoo visitors.  The den has a window, a computer and a faux Scandinavian desk  His original name of ?Cub? means ?Ultimate Loser? in English, especially with the White Sox in the Series.  "At first I thought they were calling it "Club", as in "Use one to crush its stinking head" Major English pondered.

The panda cub recently took its first steps and zoo examiners say its teeth have started coming in, to a handler?s hand.
?We?re encouraging him to feed off his mother, figuring that alone could finish him off.  It?s rumored Saddam Hussein dropped canisters of panda milk on a Kurdish village, poisoning everyone.?

They also said the cub has begun to exhibit signs that he's ready to play dead. On Sunday, M. Mystake was resting on her platform when the cub stretched up and touched his nose to hers, then swatted her with his paw in response to the horrific smell. When the mother came down from the platform and picked him up, he squirmed and swatted her again.  Zoo officials yelled encouragement to the two to kill each other, but sadly they stopped short of a fatal blow.  ?There?s still hopes of a big punch out to the death, and if not there?s always the chance we can bury them at sea or in Lake Ponchartain, now that it?s fouled up anyway.?