For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Geez Louise, you guys, those were mean... It could cause someone to have to write Doctor Abby for advice, or at least for a boost in self esteem...
aCe; I thought my dang personnel file was supposed to be confidential. dangit.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Well, I'm not one to sit around and watch a man's calves, I know that much.
I'd hate to have Russian alphabet soup; no way could I pronounce anything in that. You know, I wonder how many guys got one of those Chinese symbol tattoos that they were told meant "Strength" or "Warrior" or "Serenity Now" and they really got one that translates into "I'm a doofus" or "Cheesehead" or "kick me."
Ace; I guess alphabet soup is no big thrill to someone who's dyslexic. Well, I guess it's no big thrill to anyone, actually...
Hmm. Yet Ace has been known to speculate on the UPS driver's hairy calves.
Hey, from what I understand she was quite attractive. And not hairy like a Bear is.
You know, I didn't even get a quarterly performance review. My boss canceled twice. I wonder what that means...
Ace; I hate speculating on things. I have a vivid imagination.