THE POAST OF LIFE

[Ace]

Like the "Circle of Life" but not a circle, and I'm not lyin'.

There's too much death, in the form of poasts and monkeys, so it's time to commemorate an ode to the living.  

Now; watch.  This thing will die on the vine as soon as I hit the POST button.  Probably set a record.  

In this week's news:

Multiple Poasters' birthdays were celebrated, albeit some late and incorrectly.  After much wailing and gnashing of teeth the celebration ended with the blowing out of french fries and making of wishes, mostly centering on the heartfelt desire the Jester shut up.  Down.  Either, it would seem.

Geez Louise, I didn't become Jester to be popular.  It'd be like when the animals were lining up in Heaven, before being placed in the Garden, and one piped up and said "Heck, I'll be the panda."

Ok; the creationists in the room are gonna have a whole bunch of issues with that whole image, let alone the punchline.  Look at it this way; it's hard to believe in evolution and look at a panda, too.

My thinking is God was creating the animals, and he sneezed, and then; Lo; there was the Panda.  

Ok, I'm also not about to go into "what do you say to God when he sneezes...?  You bless you??"  I'm not.

Alright then; on a lighter and more decadent note:  BUFFALO IS DESIGNATED RISQUE (huh.  French again.  What in the world has become of me..) POASTER and shall henceforth be Volunteered For Poasting Anything Of Which Would Might Get One Banned Which Would Be Him, Due To The Said Designation Mentioned ForthWith.  Henceforth.  Firth of Fifth.   Enjoy it, and Him, While You Can.

Travis is Thrown Into A Panic Thinking His Days Of Chatting ARe Numbered, and We're Talking Single Digits Jack.  He is soothed by his fellow Poasters with kind words of comfort and ... soothing, and is assured his Place In Poasters Is Permanent.

Next Week; watch as the Poasters Play Big Brother and yank the rug right out from under the feet of ol' Bubble Neck.  ;D

Poasters also discover Travis is from Canada, explaining the high ticket items he's thinking of putting into a new computer, and his bizarre fondness for Rush.  It does not explain why he refuses to include Memory into the machine's configuration, however.  Eh.

Iansl is found to be on the Other Side Of The Pond from Igloo, but on Ace's side.  Igloo issues a sigh of relief, and Ace looks for Ian for that free margarita.

Pat remembers he had a birthday a month ago, showing that he is indeed at least a year older.  Pat faintly remembers to get Memory.

JIMS claims to be born on other people's birthdays, either facing the same delusions as other poasters whom have tried that ploy for free cake and congrats or really being so old he's keeping score.

The Florida Poasters survive yet another hurricane and another hurricane and another hurricane, and notice crop circles in the form of a bullseye outside their yards.

Scuba diving is found to be popular in Cancun, and the Bahamas and Key West.  On the beach.  And in the hotel.

Sounds like this could be the year to test that theory of how much of a tidal swell will it take to sink New Orleans.

The Mystical Magical Land of Michiana, itself not immune from horrific natural disasters, is faced with dwindling daylight hours and temperatures racing 10 degrees above normal.  Oh; the humanity.

The root word of Jester is "Je", meaning "I".  That would explain the Jester's singular purpose, and self absorbtion.  

All of the Jims implode into a flaming ball of charred monkeys as they grow into a supernova of humour with the Guinness record for Simultaneous Blonde Jokes, only to shrink down into a shrunken dwarf of a star with the realization that they have nothing saved for later.

Buffalo steps in by making up a new joke, and thankfully doesn't again.

As Poasters expend their creative forces and find they have nothing to add, the Poaster's Jester ends the life of every single poast for a period of 48 hours by buttoning up his Power Vest as well as lip.

Administrator Neon ("he's a gas gas gas") threatens The Jester with bodily harm or some such thing.  Poasters are left to guess if he meant Ace would scream because:
1. He'd be banned from the chatroom before he'd have a chance to leave, again
2. He'd be forced to play Doom3, and wind up screaming
3. He'd be forced to play Doom3 on his current PC, finding framerates of 3fps and wind up screaming
4. He'd be forced to explain to Travis that he wasn't really going to leave (Travis)
5. He'd be forced to explain to Travis that he wasn't really going to leave (Ace)
5. He'd have to figure out another obscure TV character played by William Shatner, as posed by Ludd
5. He'd have to figure out the difference between William Shatner and Neon
6. He'd wander into his BIOS again to see how to tweak his Ti4200 card, counter to Hoot and Carskick's advice
7. Scuzzy would return, causing him to scream
9. He'd realize that pumping money into Poasters through the Tip link doesn't result in a raise in wages
10. There's icecream.

Ace; I'm hoping for the last one.   :-X

[Bill]

"Computer, initiate the self-destruct sequence, Ace is in the BIOS.  Kirk out"

BTW, congratulations on your recent tresspass into the tech rooms.  Lucky you didn't get caught in there.  Well, actually you did, but no harm done, you won't get Neoned, this time.  I was going to say "gassed" but thought that might be in bad taste.

Well look at this way, pandas may not be God's creation.

Screaming is CATHARTIC

[Neon]

11. He'd receive a package in the mail once a month from the "Dead Panda of the Month Club". At least the screaming is only once a month. Curiously, Ace seems to be the only enrollee to this club.

Ace, what's your mailing address, again?

[Ace]

I don't have a mailing address.  Just deliver it to the chatroom; I'll pick it up there.

Ace; criminy, I hope I don't have to sign for the dang creepy thing.  It better be dead, that's all I gotta say.

[Buffalo2102]

If you're interested in dead panda's (wierdo!), there is a website called deadpanda.com - although it's got absolutely nothing to do with pandas, so i don't know why I mentioned it. :-[

However, there is a cracking dead panda page here http://usesoap.com/panda.htm.
If you can't be bothered to read it all there are lots of emotional messages about the passing of Hsing Hsing the panda, mixed with some quite funny remarks such as;

"Goodbye you useless beast."  (Was that you ACE?).

"I would only like to add that I wish I could have enjoyed some of that lean Panda bacon."

and "Carrots are to Hsing-Hsing what cigars are to Bill Clinton." (Risque)

Buffalo steps in by making up a new joke, and thankfully doesn't again.

I'm working on another one now.  Should be finished any day now.  You'll see.

[Ace]

Buffalo, I eagerly await your imminent contribution into the Humour Hall of Fame.

No, I didn't poast the "useless beast" entry.  First off, I wouldn't settle for "useless."  Those are far too kind of words, for the vermin and pestilence that pandas are.  I might have gone with:

"Die, finally, you dumpster of demonic detritus.

Take a hike, you fat flatulent faux pas four paw freak of nature.

Go back to the dunghill of crud you crawled from

Stinking piece of panda pork; you make bacon look intelligent.

You couldn't undergo a coronary bypass, as you have no heart.  No brain either, it would appear.  You are to personality what Monica Lewinsky is to stardom.  

Hillary Clinton would sooner kill you as her lying husband; it might be a tie. "

And I actually voted for the guy...  What's black, and white, and dead all over?  Hopefully all the pandas.

I'm thinking Carrots are to Monica Lewinsky what Bill Clinton is to Hsing Hsing.  

Hey; is that the prison, or the big band tune?

Ace; Vijay Singh Singh Singh Singh.. everybody's got to Singh

[Bill]

Speaking of Hillary, ever wonder if she forced the Big Mac s and panda bacon on him?  Not out campaigning now, Kerry loses, guess who runs for the White House in 2008.

One might say vijay has a tiger by the tail

[Bill]

Life has been abandoned, Circle becomes Square, another dies.

[Ace]

Ludd killed a po-ast.  Ludd killed a po-ast.

Ace; poast killer.  Now, that one about Ohio deserved to die...

[Bill]

I'm learning from the master!

[Ace]

Well, apparently not enough.  You just brought it back to life again.  Now you're learning from Trav.

Ludd resurrected a po-ast.  Ludd resurrected a po-ast.

Ace; you're supposed to sing that in a sing-songy little kid way.

[Bill]

Maybe we should start one separate poast where dead poasts can be commented on or remarked about but not added to.

How about the "Dead Poast File" or
"The Tomb for Dead Poasts and Other News", or
"Ace's Wisdoms and Editorials on Dead Poasts"?

If I were, I'd be using  :-* ;D :P

[Ace]

Oh, let's just call it the Funny Bone.

Graveyards have bones, and so's this.  And; no.  "this" doesn't belong to "so" and it's not suggesting the possessive.  dangit.

Hey, we could have a whole row of Smiley Skulls.  Add a "mausoleum" room.  It was nice of you to suggest I have more than one wisdom, by the way.

Unless you meant teeth.  Then, I guess it's still ok, but personally I wouldn't have mentioned it.

Instead of separate poasts, maybe we could rearrange the site into a single page that cascades down the screen, where all poasts are shown and fall under one another, stretching left to right and up to down as each successive entry falls under the one immediately before, until they all bunch up at the right hand margin and stretch vertically into oblivion.

Boy, those were the days.  And in a cool black background, with neon colors.  I tell ya, one sign of getting old is remembering every dang previous rendition of Poasters.  Let alone what you had for lunch.

Ace; what the heck did I have.

[Bill]

Old you are, or just persisent.
I remember the black background and neon colors and people named bear and joanie?  I had a Q a long time ago.  Only visited once or twice-don't remember it being very friendly-never went back.

Do denists make us stupid?  Or not wise?

[Ace]

Denists?  Dennis?  Denice?  
I tell ya, sometimes you need a translator to figure this place out.

Anyway, yeah, a Bear once went in the chatroom.  And Joanie ruled as Queen of Poasters, based on her cheerfulness and swiftly kicking left leg (courtesy of Steve, who created her gif thingy).  You can read about the bricklaying and crumbling and Darkness Falls and Return Of The Clowns (my favorite part of the fable!) in the "Why Do We Spell Poast Poast" off the home page.  

I left out the Ode to the Mothers' March, in honor of Scuzzy.  Criminy, fires burned bright in the chatroom during that brouhaha.

You know, brouhaha is a heck of a funny word, if you look at it.

Heh... I can't stop laughing, just looking at it..criminy

Ace; I'm sorry I gotta go..that word   heeeheee

[Bill]

Ok, a keyboardo-Dentist-that better? Not very smaart afetr my last visit.

Brouhaha,  a comical Irish beer?

[Ace]

I think all Irish beers are pretty darn funny, after enough.  I've laughed at Harp and Guinness both.  You have to be careful not to laugh while drinking one though, or it'll come out your nose.

That feels funny, but I'm not sure it is.

Ace; I'm not too sure of anything, after a bunch of those.

[Bill]

You drink enough of that stuff you'll being hearing a harp.  And you'll be asking St. Peter if he has seen any parakeets around.

Since you mentioned "go"...

[Ace]

It's ok if I say it.  I'm not listening, then.

Ace; or even just one keet.

[Bill]

Say whut...it?

No one here listens, or speaks.

Mummies have nasty tempers.