Pull the Plug

[Bubba]

Ace and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of
his beer.

[Whizbang]

OOooo, that has got to hurt.   ;D

[halokid]

Im waiting for Ace's reply.... ;D

[Mark H]

That is too funny!  ;D

[Redhawk]

He probably made a margarita and threw out his wife.

[Ace]

Well. Good morning to you.  The butt of your joke is here.

I haven't seen that many crazily grinning emoticons since Whiz's tree went into fall foliage and landed on Pat's van.  I am so pleased to have you all share a laugh at my expense.

It's so nice to have Bubba here to spread the holiday cheer and stories of me doing and looking stupid.  It sorta clouds the line between fantasy and reality, for me.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living reality in a chatroom or living a chatroom in reality.  And to provoke my deepset fear of loss of beer is just cruel.

I was thinking of what Hawk said, but I'd figure she'd grab the margarita and toss me out.  Probably go bring the TV back in, then.

Criminy.  I thought Mondays were bad.  Sigh.  Phonetically, that's "Heaaaggguggghhhh."

Ace; you know, even if the voices aren't real they have some pretty good ideas.

[Bubba]

Baby Ace goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks  into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he  squeaks.
Papa Ace arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks  into  his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Ace puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Ace who got up first, it was Momma Ace who woke everyone in the house, it  was Momma Ace who made the coffee, it was Momma Ace who unloaded the  dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Ace who went out in  the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Ace who set  the dang table, it was Momma Ace who put the dang cat out, cleaned the  litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided  to drag your sorry butts downstairs, and grace Momma Ace's kitchen with  your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!

[Ace]

Just imagining "Baby Ace" is enough to bring people to their feet, heading for the exits...

I guess I'm a little behind, being the butt.  You know, I'm not entirely sure just what porridge is.  I have a hunch it doesn't go well with "biscuits", especially chocolate ones.

Can't say I've ever had it, any more than curds and whey.  If it takes a long time to make, I probably wouldn't be interested anyway.  That minute and 20 seconds for the microwave oatmeal is about all I can take, in the morning.

You know, people, there is a perfectly fine blonde joke by the JimS just down the page.  I'd recommend it, highly.  Really, it's very funny and really more entertaining than any stupid stories about someone resembling someone.

Ace; I've got the beer, but I'm thinking of pulling the plug on the pc,,,,,

[Bubba]

sorry AcE,,,,,,,,,,, perhaps the porridge reference is to cruel,, let's call it ,,,,,,,,,,soup,,,,, stew,,,,,,,or gruel,,,,,,,,errr, wait, is there such a thing as gruel ???? But  wait,,,,is there such a thing as AcE ??????????Is there only an AcE 'cause we want there to be one ? Too many brain cells being gobbled up over porridge. Please AcE, if you really exist,,,,,, kill this poast,,,,, or post!!!!!!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,!!!!!

[Redhawk]

Ace was finally going to try some porridge, but his wife had thrown the stove out.

"Dang it!" said Ace

Ace threw his wife out to get the stove, and his beer. After she returned the stove to it's proper place, and the beer to the fridge, he made her plug the TV back in too.

Ace wanted to watch the 24 hour marathon of the history of rap, the stars, and where they are today. His wife wanted to watch Beavis and Butthead.

They argued for a while. Ace got mad and left the room to sit in his Pinto in the garage and drink his beer.

His wife hasn't seen him since.

[Ace]

Ace found his stove in Scuzzy's yard.  Along with the refrigerator, microwave and a lot of shell casings.

Shoot, I can't kill it.  I surely tried.  Whenever two or more are gathered in my name, then there I am.  Well, not my real name; and not me really there.  In spirit.  Usually, me in spirits.

You know, when I had the Pinto, we didn't have a garage.  That probably could've helped it actually start, in the winter.  Probably not for long, though.  They didn't have cup holders in cars then, so I guess it wouldn't be too conducive to drinking and parking.

The rap thing was a bad rap.  Plus, I don't get cable so I've never seen a Beavis and Butthead.  I guess I kinda laugh like them, sometimes.  

Ace; sometimes I feel more like Terrence, or Philip.

[Bubba]

Ace took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, Ace asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

[Ace]

I resemble a fullback, I think.  Sometimes I doubleback, when I jog.  I had a hunch you were going to keep going with the joke chain, but if I wear a winter coat it's hardly noticeable.

Here's a rhyme, for Bubba.  It's not a haiku, but we don't care that much for those anyway:

Lincoln, Lincoln
I've been thinkin'
What the heck have you been drinkin'?
Looks like water
tastes like wine
Oh My Gosh, it's Turpentine!

That's a classic.  For my next performance from "Songs from the Fourth Grade" I shall do that immortal classic, "The Worms Crawl In."

Ace; blondes really aren't very bright, are they.  They're like jesters, but blonde.

[Bubba]

FROM: Ace, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 10th December

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Ace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Ace, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 11th December

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.'

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Ace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Ace, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 12th December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a nondrinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?

And forget about the gift exchange!  No gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes
$10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED

Ace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Ace, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 13th December

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the toilets.  Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have
to sit with gay men as each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry!  Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Ace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Ace, Human Resources Director

TO: All Idiot Employees

DATE: 14th  December

RE: The Stupid Holiday Party.

Vegetarian jerks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your precious salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday---drink, drive, and die!

KILLER ACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Bubba - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 15th December
RE: Ace and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ace a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
pay.

[pat]

I remember once we had a little joke about being the butt of the joke or standing next to it, I just don?t remember the punch line.

Darn.

Anyway;

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the Midwest and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, $10 is $10."

The years went by and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining that it's free to watch, "so let's at least watch." And once he got there, the feeling became real intense, and Sue and Bob started arguing.

The pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you make one sound, you pay $10."
So off they flew. The pilot was doing as many rolls and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but $10 is $10 dollars.

[Ace]

"Stay, Spot" Bob said to his wife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Ace, Janitor

TO:  All Employees

DATE: December 15, 2005

RE:  Holiday Schedule

In response to staff requests, the Gay Vegan Kwanzaa Festivus employee luncheon and Scavenger Hunt will be held as originally planned, Monday Dec. 26.  Employees who have already requested PTO for that day are excluded, but all remaining hourly and management staff are required to attend.

In lieu of a gift exchange, employees may contribute to the Jester Relief Fund or the Boys and Girls Regardless of Their Orientation Club.  Donations are tax deductable.

Ace
Janitor

(I think the "tight wads" rather than "tightwads" mention is kinda funny, alone)

[pat]

Hey, glad you noticed. I think it?s a good thing to intersperse humor within humor.

So what?s for lunch anyway? I hope you?re not serving up any of those awful, ?looks like it is meat but it is not things?. That would just be mean. You know what I?m talking about that chopped, formed, flavor added bean paste, that looks remarkably like meat and tastes like, well ok, use your own imagination here.

But sure, I?m looking forward to being orientated and am happy to give to help your charity.

[Bubba]

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Bill]

Geez.

Blil

[Ace]

Louise.

We don't grade down for spelling; we look for original thought and creativity.  Unless you're stealing from some other source, at which point we add points for audacity and stealth.  

I'm probably just going to have a banana for lunch, but you're welcome to half.

I usually just throw that away, anyway.  

Hey; I thought of a useful Politically Correct Holiday sorry that could offend not holidayers December greeting (I'd figure anyone who doesn't recognize December is using a Mayan or Julian calendar or something along those lines, and probably aren't here at this moment):

HAPPY HUMBUG

ace; bah to them, too.

[Ace]

I think Bubba backwards is

well, not "Bubba."  You know, if you need any explanation or definition of 4 letter words, let me know and I can fill you in.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=1411739

Illiterate? Write now for help!

Ace; somehow, I think Bubba probably gets those right...

[Bubba]

i cn fx antng

[Ace]

"antng"?  

Eggnog..?  Firant?  Aunt Ng?  (from Vietnam..?)  Antnog?  Ant tongue?  Pantsleg?

I guess I'm glad you can fx it, whatever it is.

ace; I fix eggnog with rum, but I'm not sure on the others.