Make The English Language Dance

[Ace]

Groan up: the sound of an adult reading those.

Touchdown:  when you goose a goose.

Suppository:  Do you suppose? That's where you store them if you do.

Sideburns:  What happens to a 20 lb. turkey wedged into a toaster oven.

Bobbin:  Ratman's sidekick.

Sam & Ella:  two people you don't want near a thawing turkey.

Ace; I'm waiting for the Extreme Makeover show to replace some transient's beat-up shopping cart with a shiny new one. "Move that bus!"

[LinS]

Some life observations, a la Andy Rooney...

Why is it that we drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?

How is it that a nose runs and feet smell?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it?

LinS; See what I mean?

[Redhawk]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

[Ace]

Thanks, LinS and Reds; those both brought a tear to my ear.  Makes you wish you could erasticate some past decisions, don't it...   I don't know about Lithp either.  

I do remember a joke back in College about a girl with a harelip and and guy with a wooden eye (he was deaf in it) and him asking her out, and she was so pleased she answered

"Oh!  Would I!  Would I!"

And he yelled back in anger "Harelip!  Harelip!"

Ace; I like jokes that aren't too long, so there's less chance of me botching them up.

[Bill]

Harelip; back talk from an ill-mannered rabbit.

Bill

[Ace]

Bill!  BILL!  You're Back!  Bill!
Bill... Ok; which one are you...  What do you go by, here?  

We gotta remember that for Easter; The Harelip Easter Bunny.  Hope I haven't evacuated the premises, then... I'd hate to miss it.

I gotta figure a glass eye/wood eye joke.  That'd be the coolest thing since a monkey, mounted above the bar.

You know, if you wait long enough here, what comes around comes around, again.

Ace; lord knows I've been around enough to see that happen. ;) do note the smarmy emoticon thingy

[Buffalo2102]

Yaay! Bill's back.  And his front, presumably.

Sounds like you missed him.


Buff; coming round again.

[LinS]

Nothing like some good word play to bring everyone together. It's like a virtual version of family game night.

LinS; Sorry, I've got the Monopoly on word games. (Pun intended.)

[Bill]

erasticate; to recall unruly memories, and ban them, several times.

Bill; enough already, I'm here, really.

[Redhawk]

Shoot, I check in to see what's going on, and I see all you guys are talking in riddles.

I live in a different country, so I don't know the meaning of some of your words. I'll try to guess at what some of them mean.

Mistake - To throw your steak on the grill, but it hits the ground instead.

Several - When there's more than one Al on the screen on Tooltime.

Really - Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee...... only one is real.

Memories - What little girls have before they need support.

Everyone - 11111111...... all are ones.

Intended - ++++++*+++..... one in ten are dead.

Monopoly - A polliwog with only one eye.

Smarmy - A small army with an attitude.

Monkey - A key that only works the lock on Mondays.

Premises - What a girl is before she becomes a Mrs.

Decisions - To fix or stitch up an incision.

Ill-mannered - A rude male nerd who drank too much.

Botching - Sound made when change hits the bottom of your pocket after
buying something.

Mounted - A mountain named after Ted.

Coffee - What a doctor charges you to tell you why you cough.

Answered - The sound made when you pull your sword out of someone.

[Ace]

Oh, I know a lot more than you let on...

hold it.  That one even confused me.  Ok, anyway, I remember playing Scabble.  I never liked it much, mostly because you had to lift the dang things just to see what the score was, anyway.  Played it on the train to RI, too.  You'd think an English Major would appreciate it.  Go figurine, huh.

I am even more pleased to see Angelina Jolie back, too.  I tell ya, it seems the gang's all here.  Probably time for me to take a sabbatical, then.

I think "Pun Intended" would be the understatement of the year.  As one who lives in another plane of existence, that magical mystical freezebox of Michiana, I can make out most of your puns Hawk.  The "Answered" was pushing it, but the rest are aight.

Bobbin:  Pseudonym:  not a real Nym.

[LinS]

Hey! I know it's been a long time, but did you have to get rid of all my pictures!!  We feel so faceless!

LinS; We used to be multi-faceted.

[LinS]

The two-tailed whale was just a fluke. (I couldn't think of a good panda pun.)

"Sum" Math Puns:

I like to addââ?¬â?sum times.  I've already multiplied.

My math teacher is in the prime of her life.

These averages are meaningless to me.

Secant, tangent, cosine, sine
3.14159
Just don't give anyone the digit.

LinS; "sine"ing off.

[Ace]

No, LinS, it hasn't been "a long time."  It's been forever, going by the cast of characters and time zone of this poast.  Geez Louise; The Return of Bill? Redhawk?  A guest appearance by Buffalo?  It's like a rerun of a 60's show.

Anyway, glad you're back.  It's about time we got back to butchering English and Math.  A good math joke is like a game of soduku; it's over pretty quick.  Although I do get Math Joke Anxiety.

Here's a panda one:
"What happens if you subtract all the pandas in the world, and then divide the remains?"
The world is a better place.

Ace; I'm ADD

[Buffalo2102]

Er....it's spelt ODD.

Buff; glad to help.

[Bill]

LOL
Glad you said it, you're too far away to get hurt
B-

[Ace]

That too.  First, I thought I had mispelled a 3 letter word.  I know I usually get the 4 letter ones right, so that surprised me.

Ace; I thought it was pretty cool I pushed this thing to a new page, and now LinS resurrection is off screen.

[LinS]

Just a little background on the math cheer I posted last night.  The original version was one that I heard at a Harvard/Yale football game I attended in an earlier life that went like this:

Secant, tangent, cosine, sine
3.14159 (Three point one four one five nine)
Harvard, give them the digit!

I did not attend Harvard (my roommate did, I went to NYU) but to this day I remember that brainiac cheer.

LinS; Anyone for a cuppa joe and some pi?

[Ace]

And I heard hypotenuse cause more deaths in Africa than any other animal...

Ok, Buff; your dang comeuppance:
"I might suffer from foot in mouth, but at least it's not your dang hoof in mouth...."

Hah.  Boy, I've been waiting years for that disease to catch on in Britain, just so I could use that.

Ace; i wait a long time for stuff, sometimes.  Like for Lins Or Jims to poast. Or Johnny's resurrection.

[LinS]

Hello all.  Hope your collective Thanksgivings were wonderful. (We tend to think in the collective.)
Anyway, in a nod to New England's still perfect season, here is another Harvard football cheer:

Repel them, repel them.
Make them relinquish the spheroid.

LinS; Gotta love it.

[Bill]

The only thing that comes to mind when the Patriots are mentioned is this strange looking homeless guy that always seems to be on their sideline.  He always wears a tattered hooded sweatshirt with torn sleeves.  You'd think if Kraft were any kind of humanitarian he'd buy him a new one.

Bill

[Ace]

Great. Now we're in collections.  As far as New England, I think they oughta move the team back to Boston.  Good cheer, though, although I gotta wonder if it works much at Harvard.

You know, we don't have a cheer, or fight song.  Ok, I'll make a go of it.  How about to the tune of ND's?  They weren't using theirs this year:

Cheer, cheer for Poasters!  Right Here!
We drink Merlot, but would take
a beer!
Hold the Admins heads up high
No, not for Neon, who has passed on.
Johnny is moving
Bill's in SC
Scuzzy is snowbound
Pat's under the tree
Lins and Jims, collectivley
and what's his name
from across the sea

Go see the Whiz
Go in the Buff!
Do Plymouth Rock?
See pandas snuffed.

Sit on your hands! Rise from your seat!
Our forum cop does not know de feet!
don't let children in
since Jesters
have been known to repeat!


Ace; jingle writer

[iansl]

C'mon, we gotta keep this going ;). And no, once I finish reading SLI and the Family Stone, you'll have to start looking for me again.

As to the Harvard basketball war cries, I must admit they're more creative than "Defense! Defense!" but then again, they make themselves out to be geeks or something. Betcha Calculus 3 is not a required class for them, by golly. MIT should charge them royalties for the apparance of intelligence. And MIT should do it through their own home-grown system running on a pedal-powered laptop. Take that, Havad. Bet they don't even know a single digit beyond 3.14159. Neither do I, but my computer can give me 32 million of 'em if you hold on a minute or maybe two.

I'd poast my own school's fight song, which is shared in some aspects by RPI and a few other tech schools that aren't quite nerdy enough to eschew hard drink. But there is egregious reference to H-E-double toothpicks and the glorification of inebriation. Guess Buffalo will have to poast it (Colorado School of Mines...The Mining Engineer is the title if I remember correctly).

Oh, and not to worry, I actually have a purpose here:

Q: What was John Henry's favorite band?
A: Nine Inch Nails.

[LinS]

Hello All,

I tore myself away from reading American Idol blogs to share this with you.

Q: What is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

A: A person that lies awake all night wondering whether there is a dog.

SniL; Back to you.

[JimS]

BUMP

C'mon, Linda's been sitting by the keyboard, waiting, waiting, waiting...

[Ace]

Shoot, I stole that joke weeks ago.  I've used it a bunch of times.  I was just waiting for the next one.

Ace; c'mon people, let's keep it moving.

[pat]

PUMB

Ok, that's bump spelled backwards. I'm really singing here.

Ayay ondeblay alkedway intoyay ayay ordway.

[LinS]

We know we have been MIA for some time, coincidental with the end of school, end of band, baseball, Scouts, patience etc...

but we thought you might accept these with our sincerest apologies:

New Breeds of Dogs:

Cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso to get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Cross a Spitz and a Chow Chow to get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Cross a Pointer and a Setter to get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund to get a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Cross a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Cross an Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel to get a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Cross a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever to get a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Cross a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Cross a Terrier and a Bulldog to get a Terribull, a dog you don't want in your house.
Cross a Bloodhound and a Labrador to get a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Cross a Malamute and a Pointer to get a Moot Point, a dog that... oh, well; it doesn't matter.
Cross a Deerhound and a Terrier to get a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cross a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu to get a... never mind!

LinS; Dusting off the dancin' shoes

[JimS]

I can't believe no one had anything to say about LinS' poast.  I thought it was great!  Especially since I gave it to her...

Here's another to keep this going:


A thief planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre in Paris.  After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.  However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."

"I had no Monet,

to buy Degas,

to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.  I poast it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.


C'mon Ace.  Time to come out of retirement...

[LinS]

I whole-heartedly agree with JimS (now there's a first)...
Ace, I know I have not been a regular Poaster, but I have enjoyed my visits here tremendously. Verbally sparring with you has really kept me on my toes, challenged me, and most importantly, brought a smile to my face and sometimes a pain to my side or tears to my eyes from your laugh-out-loud poasts. I can certainly understand burnout, but isn't there value in positively impacting the life of a total stranger and making this crazy world we live in just a little bit better?

LinS; Nobody else can wear your hat or fit in your pointy-toed shoes...