Thank You

[Bubba]

My dear friends,

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician

[Bill]

Why, you're welcome, I'm sure.

Bill

[Ace]

And, let me add:

Your welcome.

Definitely don't use Saran wrap in a microwave; go with the aluminum foil.  I think that one about Microsoft giving everyone a free pair of Nikes is true.

I know I won't use a pay phone from my car because there could be someone hiding in the backseat with Aids on a needle.  And.. well, they wouldn't have change, probably.

Ace; he's probably afraid to take a bath in a hotel for fear of losing his kidneys...  Like that happens that often, anyway.

[pat]

Hey, happy to help out.

I?m afraid I got greedy and held back the one where I?m going to get rich with Paypal. All I had to do is send out 3 dollars and in about 8-10 weeks, or any time now, I?m going to be seeing about $15,000.  

Ka-ching.......

Should be pretty soon now.

But if that doesn?t pan out I have another, something about an inheritance over in Nigeria. Sounds like a winner, I can?t wait, the margaritas will be flowing like water.

[Ace]

I bet if we saw the water that flows in Nigeria we might not find it all that appetizing.

You know, we had an International student apply this week.  The admissions rep asked her what country she's from, and she couldn't remember...

Hey, I just saw the UPS man drive by.. go out and see if he left anything for you.  Probably out of sight, and out of weather.

Ace; send me the $3.  I'll let you know how it works.