THE TOP 10 JOKES OF ALL TIME

Ace · July 02, 2003, 21:49 hrs

Well; not the whole jokes. Geez Louise, that'd take time, and a lot of keyboarding.

Just the punchlines. That's really all I have time for. I mean, I have a life, you know?!

So; here goes: the best punchlines (i.e. "joke ends") of all time;

1. Would I? Would I? Harelip! Harelip!

2. Holy @(#$, a talking pig!

3. It's not that big a deal; the rat's a ventriloquist.

4. And in that dark, dark pocket... is a purple jellybean.

5. Sir? What's your next wish..? Hey, buddy.. what's your next wish...?

6. And, by the way; it isn't a Porsche, it's a Beemer.

7. Where? (as she looked up)

8. Hello..? Mom..?

9. The thing is, Bernie made his own lunch...!

And, the grand finale: the alltime greatest punchline, of all time:

10. I didn't say she was nuts... I said she was (firetruck + IChing) Goofy.

Maybe next, I'll mention the best "middle part of jokes, ever" parts. Like:

So, pat and bubba looked over the side, and bubba fell in with his parka.

That sorta thing.

Ace; "No, you're going to meet her in her 1st period Biology class"...

Man. that cracks me up.

scuzzy · July 02, 2003, 22:28 hrs

Ha! Ha! Ace said "Bubba".

Sometimes Ace really cracks me up.

Scuzzy - he's still in one piece.

pat · July 03, 2003, 05:36 hrs

Punchlines, huh.
I also have a few favorites.

There's the one that goes,
I'm crazy, not stupid.

or;
Sometimes you just can't explain it.

I can only smell molasses.

Watch out where those corn-cobs go.

Speaking of corn the one one about;
"There's more than corn in Indiana"
Yeah, Right, OK, Sure.

And a real old one about standing next to the butt of the joke or standing next to Ace.
Ha, ha, ha.........that one just cracked me up.

trav · July 03, 2003, 10:25 hrs

A what in a who now?

Ace · July 03, 2003, 12:32 hrs

Ace: (laughs)

Hey, Pat, and remember the "we never heard that one before" one? That was pretty good, too.

Sure; there's more than corn in Indiana. Although it's about above the shin high, right about tomorrow.

There's the crossroads of America. The Banks of the Wabash. The roads, leading to other states. The Gateway to Ohio, for gosh sakes, and the edge of the known world. The lovely yet pale pastel painted greenish license plates.

Ace; BubbaBubbaBubba. Heh. That does sound funny...

Neon · July 03, 2003, 12:47 hrs

There's more than corn at some place called "Indiana Beach". I've never visited - heck, I never knew Indiana has a beachfront. Hey, just a few weeks till county fair time.

The Hoosier state - home of millions of little checkered flags that seem to adorn every retail establishment from Evansville to Mishawaka.

Ace · July 03, 2003, 15:43 hrs

Why, yes, checkers is still a favorite past-time for Hoosiers. We have many flags up commemorating that fine game.

The beaches are rented from Michigan for the most part.

Oh; and another top 10 punchline:

"two all beef Pattys Special Josh Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus."

Ace; I was gonna mention that one about the Foo bird, too, but figured I've pushed my luck far enough.

pat · July 04, 2003, 09:27 hrs

A fellow Poaster (no names here) has a few too many margaritas. When he wakes up, he's on a beach, perhaps even an Indiana Beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

Ace · July 04, 2003, 09:45 hrs

Well, that was a surprise ending.

I thought he was gonna say, "I don't know what happened... but I sure know who didn't buy the margaritas."

Or, "I've been Oprahed, like in that long movie she was in but not 'Beloved' which was one horrifically long movie."

Or, "Oh, hey, even the mountain majesties are purple, too. Huh."

Or, "Well, I suppose we could get some purple rain, soon. I wonder what he's calling himself these days."

Or, "Criminy, I sure hope there aren't any Purple People Eaters out."

Ace; he was a one eyed-one horned flying one. Oh, and we wear short shorts.

pat · July 07, 2003, 06:06 hrs

Ok, here?s one of the ?Hey we never heard that one before? ones.
It?s one of my personal favorites. Certainly not the funniest joke I ever heard.

but.............
Well see for yourselves.

THIS guy gets a flat tire out on a rural road. He pulls over and starts to change the tire, putting the lug nuts in the overturned hubcap (just like you are supposed to). There is a ditch full of tall grass next to the road, and on the far side of the ditch, a long, tall chain-link fence.
After a few minutes he realizes that he is being watched. He looks up and sees a man standing on the other side of the fence. The man is wearing pajamas, a robe, and fuzzy bunny slippers. The first guy then notices the barbwire along the top of the fence. "Oh, no," he thinks, "the state hospital. This guy must be a nut. I hope he's not an ax-murderer or something."
The first guy continues changing the tire, but it is hot and he starts to get rattled--the second guy is just standing there. Watching. He finally manages to get the spare on and turns to get the lug nuts. His hand slips, he flips the hubcap, and fwing! the lug nuts go flying into the tall grass. "DANG!!" he screams. "Now what am I going to do!?! I'm screwed!!" He stomps around, flailing his arms and pulling his hair. "Now what am I going to do?!?"
The voice is low and calm. "Just take one nut off of each of the other tires and use them on the spare." "Huh? Who said that?" It's the guy in the fuzzy bunny slippers. "I said, 'just take one nut off of each of the other tires and use them on the spare.' There is a service station just a couple of miles down the road, just outside of town. You'll be fine."
"Wow. Oh course! That's a great idea!! I never would of thought of that. Hey, you seem to have your act together. What are you doing in there?"
The voice is low and calm. "I'm crazy. I'm not stupid."

Ace · July 07, 2003, 07:24 hrs

Well, shoot, I didn't say he was nuts. That was a good one. I shall now steal it, for my own personal use, thank you very much.

I hope pat's house is now not part of the lake, after the weather we experienced over the 4th, 5th and 6th. Or lake, part of his yard.

And ill wind blew from the west, and it wasn't Bubba.

Ace; I wonder if England has a 4th of July....

scuzzy · July 07, 2003, 08:28 hrs

You dork. Why would England have a 4th of July? They skip the fourth and go straight to the fifth. That's why they're (their? there?) always a day ahead of us.

Geez. I'm glad one of us isn't stupid.

Scuzzy; It's not me, it's not me... I'm not the stupid one...

Ace · July 07, 2003, 09:33 hrs

Well, I'm stupid but I'm not crazy.

Your nuts.

Ace; Scuzzy will play Goofy in the movie version of "Mickey's Divorce."

pat · July 07, 2003, 19:32 hrs

QuoteI hope pat's house is now not part of the lake, after the weather we experienced over the 4th, 5th and 6th. Or lake, part of his yard.

And now you may add the 7th to the list.
I?m Ok though, we don?t live that close to the lake and there are no lakes in the yard, fortunately.

Actually the "Big Lake" out there is way down again this year. Lots of beach.
As well there should be at the price lakefront properties are going for these days. The rule of thumb now is $10,000 per foot, not counting the house. The Chicago folks are still driving the prices up, up, up. It?s not uncommon anymore to see a lakefront property get bought, the house torn down and a monster house be put up, all for a few weeks use in the summer. It?s out of control.

Ace · July 08, 2003, 07:05 hrs

I guess if there are red pennants waving at the beach it's not a good time to dip your toes, or head, in, what with the catastrophic ripcurrents of this weekend.

I'm sure not near any beaches either, being in Indiana. Although our street used to be a waterway, before they put in the separate storm sewers.

My hope is that, with global warming, the polar caps will melt and our house will be beachfront property, at the said going rate.

Well, unless it was to creep in another 40 feet or so... I hope the dang icebergs know when to stop, once they go. Stupid runny glacier stuff.

Ace; shoot, now I'm wondering if we shouldn't try to buy the house next door. Or down the block. Man..

pat · July 08, 2003, 16:04 hrs

Hey, careful what you wish for. If the water got that high I'd have to move further inland, shoot I might even end up being your neighbor. :o

Oh well, perhaps I'd finally get that margarita.

Ace · July 08, 2003, 17:55 hrs

Only if you're buying.

And since that will happen concurrent with the melting of the polar icecaps from global warming, you can use the run-off in the blender...

Ace; hey, and look what just froze over...

pat · July 08, 2003, 18:19 hrs

So if the polar icecaps should happen to melt, I can imagine something like this just might be possible.

Central Michiana continues to be especially hard hit by the melting ice caps. Hardest hit is the area in and around University Park.
The resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Ace was sitting on her roof with her neighbors, Mrs. Thibodaux and Mrs. Boudreaux , waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Ace said, "Oh yes, that's my husband, I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Heck or high water!"

scuzzy · July 08, 2003, 18:27 hrs

Alright, how did Mrs. Boudreaux get in the picture? And what happened to Mrs. Ace? And how does any of this prove that England goes straight to the fifth, which explains why they're always drunk?

pat · July 08, 2003, 18:48 hrs

Mrs. Boudreaux was the other neighbor.

Ace · July 08, 2003, 20:53 hrs

I don't recognize any of these people. Sure, my next door neighbor appears drunk, most of the time. Criminy, she's wearing the robe into the PM hours when she walks out of the house. And she's got all those freaky cats, and never opens a window....

But nobody's French; no Boudreauxs or Thibodeuxs or any other Cajuns. Only thing Cajun is stuff I whip up in the kitchen.

I did have Guinness draft, which is uncommonly mild... tame, as it were. Soft. Like a soft drink. But that's Irish, and not British.

I'm more in northern central Michiana, anyway, so figure I'm safe. Heck, if it rained, I'd use the stupid broken mower that stopped working instead of my new Sears mower that does. I don't wanna get the new one wet.

Ace; I didn't understand any of that. It was like Clue, without the dang ballpeen hammer.

scuzzy · July 08, 2003, 21:09 hrs

Okay, I've had it with this story. It's too hard to follow.

I still don't see why Mrs. Boudreax keeps sticking her nose in this. And if Mrs. Thibodaux posed the question to Mrs. Boudreax, then why did Mrs. Ace so rudely answer?

How rude.

The only redeeming part is that we're getting closer to proving that Ace is a bozo supreme. As opposed to a Taco Supreme.

Scuzzy; I like Burrito Supremes.

Ace · July 09, 2003, 07:09 hrs

Oh yeah!?!! Well, your mother is the mother of you, huh.

Just like you to get off track, when you didn't even read the instructions inside the lid of the box. The burrito part sounded good, though.

Maybe it's because I live by the rude bridge that arched the flood. Didja ever think of that? Huh? Hmm?

Well, I don't, but it might have been why.

Ace; my flag, to April's breeze, unfurled. Then I put it back in the garage.

Bubba · July 23, 2003, 00:06 hrs

Why is it, even in my absence, the name bubba, or Bubba still appears here ?

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Don't know where I have been, but had a good time !

Ace · July 23, 2003, 07:04 hrs

Absence makes our hearts grow fonder.
Or was it abcess...

Absinthe?

One of those. Hey; and good news: It's really, really not Winter. About as far from Winter as you can get. That's gotta warm the cockles of your heart.
Cuckold. Cuckoo. Cookies.

I'm struggling with words, today. I don't know where Bubba's been, but we had a good time while he was there. We'll have to do it again.

Ace; Bubba is like my doppelganger, from Illinois. I think there's a lot of them that chose to live there.

trav · July 23, 2003, 10:03 hrs

YAY! ACE RETURNS!!!!

Bubba · July 23, 2003, 11:26 hrs

Is doppleganger on Scuzzy's list of naughty words ? If I am a doppleganger, it must be.

Ace · July 23, 2003, 11:45 hrs

Shoot, I thought "scuzzy" was a dirty word...

Ace; I try to avoid smartalex.

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THE TOP 10 JOKES OF ALL TIME