ACE POAST HIJACKED AT GEEK OLYMPICS

Ace · August 09, 2004, 07:44 hrs

Well, you can't always get what you want, as Mick Jagger would say. And when did he become the Lizard King instead of Jim Morrison?

So a monkey, a panda and a blond(e) walk into a bar.. The bartender looks up and says "Wait a minute! I shall not let a thing so foul come into my establishment!" which causes the duck at the end of the bar to look up and say "Hey, wait a minute yourself there, buddy... I resemble that remark!?" At which point the monkey winks at the bartender and says "It's ok, pal.. they're with me" and puts a $20, a $10 anda $5 and a stinking $1 bill on the bar. And a bunch of Indian head nickels. The panda looks at the 3 4 dang bills and says "I always thought it peculiar that so few of our presidents wore glasses back then. They must have had great vision." The blonde comes up to the currency, looks them over and states, "Well, of course not. Hamilton, Jackson and Lincoln and criminy Washington dangit couldn't wear glasses." The bartender peers over the money and asks "And why not...?" At which point the blonde answers "Well, because they each had only one ear. There's no way they could wear glasses. Duh!"

And besides, the Indians from Indiana look like a buffalo, or something. What's up with that?

And the monkey gets drunk and crawls into the freezer to sleep it off. Then crawls onto the Grill, to warm up. Then, punches him in
other news:

*Ace has been venturing forth into the tech realms, after getting his fix there earlier. You know that will not bode well.

*JimS ban themselves for a time after hurling countless (well, 2 or 3) insults at fair-haired people. We think those people deserve far more than that, so we anxiously await his next blonde joke round.

*The dead poast lives on, much as pandas continue to. Life isn't always fair, but fairs always have lousy restroom facilities.

*Before you decide to vacuum your cpu, realize that's something the Jester has done. Now; do you really think that'd be a good idea? Ok, then.

*Oh, it came out fine, for cryin' out loud. Geez criminy. It made more sense to suck the air and dust out than blow it further in, right? You gotta take chances with computers sometimes, and show them who's boss. Fiddle with your BIOS settings. See if that "dual bios" Gigabyte of yours really WILL boot either way. Play in the registry, just because it's there. Turn off the firewall and the antivirus for a day. See who shows up. What harm can it do?!?

*Taking advice from a Jester is like taking a donut from a cop.

*The Olympics starts Friday. Time to settle down with a Heineken and bowl of steroids and enjoy the show.

*I'm sure there will be events I don't understand, as usual. They'll be Greek to me. It's probably just as well athletes don't perform naked, like they used to. The sprints would be awfully funny to watch, though, if they did. But not weight lifting, or wrestling. That'd just be painful.

*You don't really have to lose weight to look thinner. Just buy a bigger belt; leave more notches out at the end... people will think you're slimmer. Wear baggier pants, too. And socks.

*Eat while exercising; that'll cut calories. I tried that low-carb beer by Michelob; I believe it's low carb. I did not believe the other part of their statement.

*It's fine to have the Olympics in Athens, but you'd think Sparta would've been more appropriate.

*I haven't worked up the nerve to give Doom3 a go. First off, it costs too much. Secondly, the zombies in Return to Castle Wolfenstein creeped me out, so imagine how the baddies from this thing will haunt me. Thirdly, I still think it's a myth, and doesn't exist. I did get Links 2003; so far that hasn't scared me too much, except I did jump back when I flew the green with a 9 iron once...

Ace; heck, those things scare me in real life, too.

iansl · August 09, 2004, 10:21 hrs

If looks could kill, Ace's jokes\poasts could...keep the dead poast alive...

Ya know, I think Sparta woulbd be a little more appropriate...except that the first Olympics were held in Athens.

*IanSL's fan finally stops sounding like a very soft lawnmower or thereabouts. He is happy, but knows that it'll start up again sooner or later.

pat · August 09, 2004, 14:46 hrs

Jackson, Hamilton and Lincoln or a 10 a 5 and a 1.
But who?s counting?

Ace · August 09, 2004, 15:12 hrs

GEEZ CRIMINY PAT i SAID SHE WAS BLONDE dANGIT You did the SAME DANG THING with the last dang attempt at a bar joke with the observation "how can you tell a nun from a penguin?" like some people couldn't.... What are you, Quality Criminy Control for Accuracy In Joking here?!1!

Geez Louise.

Otherwise, I don't know what you're referring to. So.

Ace; I'm gonna follow him around some day and see if he measures stuff right or leaves sawdust laying around...

pat · August 09, 2004, 15:55 hrs

Oh, you know.
That was just one of your tests to see if anyone really reads the whole joke or just the punch line.
I have been known to cut a board too short, heck even the same board twice.

Ace · August 09, 2004, 18:18 hrs

Well, I had to, dangit. And I can't say it was worth it.

I hate my tests. I don't know what, or how, to study for them.

Ace; "Out, Out.." is my favorite woodworking poem.

pat · August 10, 2004, 07:06 hrs

In other news; Special Update.

NBC News 5

Ace · August 10, 2004, 07:31 hrs

I hate those news links; I never know where I'm being taken. Usually it's Karen trying to trick me into looking at a stinking panda somewhere, stinking.

I'd have to say that's the closest thing to a stinking panda. Stink. Gross. I mean, truly Geez Criminy Gross. If it doesn't hit the fan, or boat, then the river itself is a treat. I guess they don't have to color it for St. Patrick's day all that much.

Wonder whose tour bus... Probably some group Trav likes. Couldn't be Ted Nugent; they would've thrown out deer carcasses with it.

Ace; pat is completely taking over this dang poast... first he makes it sound like the joke I made up isn't that funny and was sloppily constructed, and now he's hijacked it on a tour ship to Chicago... I'll have to go look for somebody else's poast and try to abscond with theirs.

iansl · August 10, 2004, 08:15 hrs

Hmmm...speaking of tourbus, I got that newsletter last night. Had some good info in it. Don't worry, Ace, I'm not trying very hard to abscond with your poast; I didn't even change the subject. :)

Ace · August 10, 2004, 18:52 hrs

Oh, right. You, the "Geek with all the freeware." Like I'm going to trust you.

You know what they say:

"Beware of Geeks bearing gifts."

Ace; they do. They say that.

pat · August 10, 2004, 21:16 hrs

Sorry mate, didn?t mean to run off with yur poast.

On the radio today they said that that Mayor Daily was overheard to say; that kind of crap gives Chicago a bad name and he would flush out the perpetrators of the river drop incident.

I?m sure they?ll get to the bottom of it.

Ace · August 11, 2004, 07:18 hrs

That sort of thing gives Chicago a bad smell, too. They better hope for more wind than usual to blow that stink off.

Anyway, it's dang time we got back to the true purpose and intent of this poast:

Where's Bubba, anyway? Plus, what's taking the Jims so dang long with coming up with another round of blond(e) jokes?! It's not like anyone wants me to resort to making up my own... I don't get PAID to create jokes and original humour; it's all I can handle just to recreate bad puns and reactionary retroactive recreations of prior poastal poastings. Shoot, my tongue just twisted and I think I bit it. Dangit.

Ace; good thing that bus didn't dump dead pandas on the boat. Or, worse yet, live ones.

pat · August 11, 2004, 18:25 hrs

Well today was sure a nice day, for November. Too bad it is still August.
High temp for the day was 64 degrees and that?s the forecast high for the next few days.
Only about 30 degrees below normal. :-\

Ace · August 11, 2004, 20:43 hrs

Oh, C'mon... it would have been nice for October.

We did not sit outside, on the patio. Although I did grill Ribeyes outside (Martin's) and we did pasta and sauce in. With a Placido Chianti. I kept the sliding door pretty much closed, during the cooking.

I don't need 94 as the high, but 60 something is a bit brisk. At least there weren't 60 mph winds and hail and flooding of streets tonight, like last night. I'm glad our downstairs doesn't have sewage backup like it used to. Really, really glad.

Ace; Really. What a load of stuff that might drop off a bus in Chicago, if you know what I mean.

Mark H · August 12, 2004, 09:37 hrs

Quote from: pat on August 11, 2004, 18:25 hrs
Well today was sure a nice day, for November. Too bad it is still August.
High temp for the day was 64 degrees and that?s the forecast high for the next few days.
Only about 30 degrees below normal. :-\

I guess that throws a wrench in the the "Global Warming" claims. :-\

iansl · August 12, 2004, 11:42 hrs

Quote from: Mark H on August 12, 2004, 09:37 hrs
Quote from: pat on August 11, 2004, 18:25 hrs
Well today was sure a nice day, for November. Too bad it is still August.
High temp for the day was 64 degrees and that?s the forecast high for the next few days.
Only about 30 degrees below normal. :-\

I guess that throws a wrench in the the "Global Warming" claims. :-\

I guess so :)

Seriously, you need to shuttle some of that weather down here to Texas. We like coolness in August, even better rain, in more than 5-minute spurts once every other day to every other week...

Mark H · August 12, 2004, 11:44 hrs

Iansl,

I will see if Ace will be willing to blow Bonnie and Charlie your way. We certainly don't want a bunch of rain from those two in West Virginia as much of our state is very flood prone due to the vast number of valleys.

iansl · August 12, 2004, 11:50 hrs

Well, that is an issue down here, but we have a better holding capacity mostly because most people don't build near the rivers that get flooded the most...except in a few towns...but they're exceptions (or you could say they're regular and we're exceptions, depending on your point of view, which may be from behind Ace's PC). But anyways we generally like rain here, just as long as it doesn't flood us to pieces, which it's fairly hard to do.

Ace · August 12, 2004, 20:29 hrs

Here in magical mythic land of Michiana we don't have much flooding, unless you're near water. We don't have particularly deep valleys nor high hills... mostly malls and parking lots, with corn in between. Water's ok for the corn, although I always drain off the Niblets before cooking as I really hate it when corn is soupy like that.

I can't get behind the PC, so I don't know what it looks like. I assume it's very clean and tidy, and do not want to ruin my fantasy.

I figure Texas is so big you probably have two seasons going on at once, plus half of the state is in daylight when the other is night. Although I've always assumed it's sorta dusty, and smells like Mexican food. I like the smell of Mexican food, so that wouldn't bother me.

Indiana smells like Indian food, pretty much. That would be corn, again.

We had an outdoor fair at school today, so of course it was around 50 degrees and a permeating mist of rain. Criminy, you'd think the masterminds woulda picked a day with nice weather.

I don't want to blow off Bonnie and Charlie, and I'd really like to know what happened to Clyde. I bet Bonnie would, too.

Ace; shoot, I think I just hijacked my own dang poast.

iansl · August 13, 2004, 09:13 hrs

Well, it look like something hurried down to our delight, the temperature that is, yesterday morning and early afternoon, but then it hurried back up...

Since where I live is a li'l ole tourist town (beeyutiful!) the smell of Mexican or Tex-Mex food is counterbalanced with German food, and other types of food that I'd like to name but am not sure where the resturaunts that serve them are (although I'll bet they're out there).

pat · August 13, 2004, 15:18 hrs

We had a record low, high temperature, yesterday. Not only was it the coldest day ever for 8-12 supposedly it was the all time record low, high temperature, ever for August.
I think they should have said, since they have been keeping records, ?ever? is a long time.

Neon · August 13, 2004, 21:40 hrs

Quote from: iansl on August 13, 2004, 09:13 hrs
Since where I live is a li'l ole tourist town (beeyutiful!) the smell of Mexican or Tex-Mex food is counterbalanced with German food, and other types of food that I'd like to name but am not sure where the resturaunts that serve them are (although I'll bet they're out there).

sounds like Fredericksburg?

iansl · August 13, 2004, 22:22 hrs

Um...where do you live? Yeah. It is.

Neon · August 13, 2004, 23:47 hrs

Hehe, your description was pretty good. I have relatives in Kerrville, and a school friend who is from Fredericksburg. It's a nice town, with the Nimitz museum and the peach orchards and the other touristy stuff.

However, I'm in the DFW metroplex. Well, mostly at QuakeCon for the next few days. ;)

Ace · August 14, 2004, 12:34 hrs

OK DANGIT WOULD YOU TEXANS KINDLY RELEASE THIS DANG POAST AND PUT IT BACK IN MICHIANA DANGIT LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TERRITORY THERE TO DEAL WITH AS IT IS. cRIMINY.

Geez Louise, as Dagwood said today. This dang thing is going all over creation. And it's WAY off the original topic, which was

was was. huh.

Ok, then. Back to our correspondents in Texas to report on the Quake there and German-Mexican-American cooking. TexMexMan, I guess.

Ace; Michiana used to have a German restaurant, dangit. I got the sauerbraten there a couple times. Used to.

pat · August 14, 2004, 12:52 hrs

So lets go meet those guys in Texas.
I?d like to try out some of that Tex-Mex with a German flair. Be nice to get in on some warmer weather too.

You drive and I?ll be the co-pilot.

iansl · August 14, 2004, 16:40 hrs

I'll have to pass on that one, as I don't have my license yet, and won't have it for a while :). And don't have Ace drive. He might wreck yourself. And himself...

But sure, come on down and enjoy the food. It's good stuff :). And Ace, we have just the place (or otherwise) for you: the Fun Shop...or should I have said that? ::)

And the weather is a bit warm, especially when lifting boxes in a place to move them elsewhere and then move them again since the layout has changed, with the AC either off or unsensed. Very hot.

Of course, you can make a milksdhake. Those things are good, except that some homemade ones have ice cream in the center that you can't decide whether to dig out with a spoon or wait ten seconds to where it's totally liquid and you can drink it...

Ace · August 14, 2004, 22:41 hrs

I've had Margaritas like that, though I'm sure Neon hasn't. They're pretty frozen still, and slushy. You think, "should I wait for it to warm a bit, and become liquid, or just go ahead and knock it back, inducing a full frontal chemical ice ice baby lobotomy?"

Oh, you know what I'd do. Did. Criminy, the pain behind my eyes.

I do prefer to drive. It just makes me nervous to sit on the right, and try to navigate. I'm not used to it. I'm a good driver; no accidents, and only ticket was 80-something (year, not speed) in Pennsylvania. Even with the upturned-shoes and jingly bells.

Ace; for not being hot, it was lovely golfing today.

iansl · August 17, 2004, 22:21 hrs

OK. Now I'm having a smooth milkshake. aka smoothie. Nice :)

Ace · August 18, 2004, 07:15 hrs

Ah. Now I'm drinking coffee.

Ace; this poast is riveting. :-X

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ACE POAST HIJACKED AT GEEK OLYMPICS