PANDAS FROLIC; PEOPLE PUKE

[Ace]

MSNBC staff and news service reports
Updated: 9:26 a.m. ET March 10, 2006

Think of it as a boarding school for pandas: a place where 16 cubs live, eat and play together, all in the name of science and efforts to save the species from extinction. Then think of what the ?Cubs? represent; the biggest bunch of losers in the history of the world. Bleacher bums. Bunch of slobs who don?t work, stewing in Old Style while baking in the cheap seats.  Like Pandas, except they couldn?t even stay upright for 162 games.

The school is actually a research center that recently opened in Sichuan (Szechwan) province, and China?s Central Television on Friday aired video of the giant panda cubs playing ? and even doing face plants ? on slides and other playground equipment. It is thought that playground attendees were sneaking up and shoving them hard in the back, causing the face plants.  Naturally, no horticulturalist in his right mind wants a plant with the face of a panda.  The Big Chinese Television on the Right of the Central one and Big TV on the Left showed Chinese industrial training films instead.  Too young for bamboo eaten by older pandas, they can only consume the special milk made by the research center. Why anyone would want anything, let alone something eaten, from a panda is a mystery.  A researcher said the pandas would eventually be divided into two groups: some will be used for breeding, while the rest will be released back into the wild. Hopefully the middle of the ocean, which is pretty wild. Plans are being made to spike the milk with a toxin for all, so that no successful breeding will ensue.  With their luck, they usually don?t accomplish anything by it but the tenders like to frustrate them by having them attempt it anyway. Pandas are notoriously difficult breeders and Chinese scientists have tried nearly everything to increase the population in captivity, including showing films of other pandas mating. These films are only shown in high security viewing rooms where people are not allowed in, to contain any risk of contamination or death by the horrific and nauseating scenes depicted.
Some 1,600 pandas are estimated to be left in the wild in China, but the animal remains endangered because its scattered habitat makes hunting and killing difficult, unfortunately.  Aerial bombardment is being considered, with napalm death being the preferred means if the ensuing poisonous cloud of torched panda could be somehow contained.

Giant pandas are classified as bears, which are carnivores, which is also really insulting to other bears, let alone the Chicago team, and what is it with these stinking creatures being compared to Chicago athletes anyway, but they have adapted to a vegetarian diet and depend almost exclusively on bamboo, eating up to 100 pounds a day.  Somehow, they are able to eliminate 200+ pounds a day.  China boasts that its captive breeding program had a record 21 surviving baby pandas last year.  The UN is weighing sanctions to punish them for their indiscretion and threat to humanity.  ?They could pay heavily for these misdeeds? threatened Vice President Cheney this week.  ?Heck, I?d go shoot the dang things myself if they?d let me.  Probably take out a couple bystanders, too, like that?d be any great loss.  Stinking panda breeding imbalance of trade so and so?s" he added, shooting his dog accidentally, again.

The previous record was set in 2003, when 15 pandas born in captivity survived.  China promised all are dead now, but the Western world isn?t buying that.  Actually, the U.S. is hoping some did survive, to they could buy them and drop them on Iran just to make a point.
China has 183 pandas living in captivity, according to the official XinXangXoop News Agency. It said another 24 live in nine zoos in the United States, Japan, Germany, Austria and Thailand.  ?If we could just join forces and work to kill these off, we will dramatically reduce the threat of world contagion and be well on our way to a panda-less society. And nobody doesn?t want that, except maybe Iran or N. Korea but they don?t like to go with the crowd anyway, do they? said Mrs. Bush, updating her resume to send for a job opening at the Library of Congress, which is across the street from Ford?s Theater which is not a temple, and also not where President Lincoln was shot if he didn?t exist anyway.

[Ace]

I'm all for taking out the pandas.

Ace; I wish they'd dig a hole from China into the nuclear engine that is the earth's core.  

[Ace]

I have no idea what pecking order includes pandas, unless it's vultures with a death wish.

Here's a handy guide to Differentiate between Pandas and Pigs:

Pigs are edible    Pandas are not
Pigs are intelligent    Pandas are not
Pigs are useful  Pandas are not
Pigs make methane, which stinks but is useful  Pandas make stink, which is not
Pork is tasty, which doesn't require adding much oil  Pandas are oily, and shouldn't touch pork
Pork is a white meat   Pandas are black and white trash
Pigs know how to breed, even in captivity   Pandas thankfully do not
A pig played a clever part on Green Acres   A panda has never had a supporting actor part
There are pigs that serve as pets   No panda could be a pet, any more than a a septic tank could be a pet
Porky Pig is a much loved cartoon character  There's nothing funny about a panda
Some religions don't allow eating of pork   No religion has to state pandas are off limits, since no human being would consider eating one
Pigs are actually clean animals, if allowed to their own devices   Pandas are inherently filthy greasy furballs if left to live
There is a famous nursery tale about 3 Little Pigs   There are no fables or nursery tales based on pandas
The only moral a panda could teach is to stay away from it.  Or get close enough to kill it, then get away from it.
Big motorcycles are called hogs.  Nothing is named after a panda.  Except pandamonium.

I love pigs.  I loathe pandas.

Ace; pandas stink worse than stink stinks.

[Ace]

Well, yes.  I work best under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.

I support pigs.  They support me.  Today was sausage.  Next week: bacon.  

Ace; the chicken supported today's breakfast, but the pig was committed.