THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD

[Ace]

I have yet another "Worst Feeling In The World" to offer (as a warning)...

You're standing on a sidewalk in the midst of a huge spread of pigeon droppings, and say "Huh.  I wonder where these are coming from."

Ace; you wonder.

[Bill]

If you hapen to be in NYC, you are more likely to get it by a car or taxi on the sidewalk tha a pigeon.

Bill; I always wear a hat.

[pat]

I will raise from this poast from the dead with another tale of worst feelings.

Working on an electric switch box and already being somewhat apprehensive, when someone takes your picture with a flash.

For goodness sakes, what an experience that is??..

[Ace]

I guess always bring a change of clothing while working with electricity, huh.

I'd like to see a poast of that photo...

Ace; shock the monkey.

[Buffalo2102]

Well, my wife gave me her latop last weekend to remove some spyware.  Having done that job, I decided to give it a "tune-up" while it was still in my possession.  Part of the tune-up was a defrag and after getting about 60% through, I was presented with the "blue screen of death".  All I could do was re-power and this left me with a laptop that wouldn't boot, even into safe mode.

I booted from a Win XP CD and ran chkdsk but that just told me that there were unrecoverable errors on the hard disk.  I didn't have the recovery CD's or anything and I couldn't fix it.

The worst feeling was when I had to call her (she was at ther mother's) and tell her that it was borked.  She broke down in tears and told me about all of the stuff that was on there that she didn't want to lose.  It didn't seem like the right time to remind her that I told her to make backups of anything valuable........

She took it back to PCWorld and they have confirmed that the hard disk has died.  Luckily, they say that they have managed to salvage a lot of the data.

Even though the problem was not of my doing, I just can't help feeling guilty about the whole thing.

Buff; I guess my name's Mud, for a while at least.

[Ace]

Well, no wonder she's upset.  Here you are married, but you're cavorting all over the web with Angelina Jolie.  

You had better just send all those photos to me... That's the only way you'll be able to patch things up, and get on her good side.  As far as Angelina, try to include all sides.  And throw in some of those Elishas and Avrils, too.  That's a menagerie of trois I could find very meaningful.

Well, wait a minute... if the three of them are together, as a threesome, then I or anyone else would be... not there...  

Ok; that would be the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

Ace; catchy title.  I wondered how I'd work that in.

[Buffalo2102]

Thanks JA.  Or whatever you're calling yourself these days.

I think the Angelina thing is OK with my wife.  Besides, she is probably "Ashton Kutchering" all over the web herself.  Something like that.

I can't be jealous of an avatar.

Buff; Get your own dang pictures.

[Ace]

Oh, fine.  Here you are, the two of you, carousing all over the web with your paramours, and then you try to hide your degradation and shame by telling me I have to source out my own photos of lustful indulgence.  

Dangit.

When I read that, it was like the 2nd most WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

Ace; personally, I do not see the attraction to Ashton Kutchar.

[Ace]

OK; go answer it, willya?  Criminy.  I hate a ringing phone.

Waiting for the dang thing to go through 4, just to get to the machine, is annoying enough to me.

Look; I agree with you on the Angelina/Ashton conundrum.  Really, I don't want to run into either one of them.  But I am NOT about to admit to MY WIFE that I have NO INTEREST in cavorting around MY HOUSE with ANGELINA JOLIE let alone ASHTON Kuchter...  I mean, I'd just as soon never see her again but I have my PRIDE you know and reputation, as a man of the world...

And, no, I'd just as soon Brad Pitt not appear here wondering where old "what's her name" is...  I do not need that.

I did talk to Murphy tonight, but I didn't exactly invite him over, after, either.

Ace; I definitely do not want to spend the night with Ashton, here.

[Bill]

But spending the night with Murphy would be OK.  What the heck is this place coming to?  Crikey!

You know you don't have to wait for the 4 rings.  Turn off the dang ringer.  I do it regularly.  It was a tip in a book "How to avoid Nasty Bill Collectors"  by Willie Nelson, et. al.

Bill; not a collector.

[Bill]

Listen, if you just answer the phone, somebody who is calling thinks yo have nothing better to do.  And then there is no excuse for not doing what they are going to ask you to do for them.  Which is why they called in the first place.

Bill; I'm busy.

[Ace]

I'd rather guess "Who was that on the phone, I wonder" than answer it.  If I set it to 1 ring, then I gotta move fast TO answer it.  I can get it anywhere in the house in 4.  If I'm choosing not to at the moment is when I gotta wait it out.

I'd rather someone email me.  I have a written record, can respond in kind, and don't have to talk about it.  

Here's me at work:
someone: "Are you busy..?"
me: "I'm always busy."
someone: "Can I ask you a question?"
me: "You just did."
someone: "Oh.. can I ask you another one?"
me: "You just did."

Personally, I don't want money.  I just want the stuff you buy with it.

Ace; write me if you're ever in town.

[Bill]

That's not uncommon. Yesterday, I reached someone I've been chasing for a week.  The other party said "send me an email, I'd rather not talk about -----"
I thought, "well, that would give you more time to figure out how you're going to shape your answer."  Not tell me the answer to the question but avoid an outright fabrication.  

Bill; third ear wisdom.

[Ace]

Shoot, my third ear is blind.

Ace; I usually like to wait a bit on Bill's poasts, to fabricate an answer.

[Bill]

Sum something.  Not "tidy" though.   Detrius scattered all over at the moment.
Just replaced my failed cable modem with a new docsis 2.0 motorola sb5100.

Finally got it working.  Dang DNS stuff.   Dang IP address stuff.
Dang cable company.    
Seems to be faster though.

Bill;

[Ace]

I guess that's a compliment.  "You're a tidy sum..."  That sounds better than "You're a tidy remainder" or "You're a tidy subtraction" or "You're a tidy denominator".  I suppose.

I can't think of too many times I describe anyone as "tidy."  Maybe that's what's throwing me, as an adjective.  "Well now, you're quite the tidy idiot, aren't you"...   No, I don't think I've ever used that.  "Gee, honey, that's some tidy dress you have on."  Nope...  
"Hey, get your tidy )#*@ out of my way, you sum, you."  I don't think I've ever tried that.

Ace; shoot, now my 2nd ear has an eyelash in it..

[Ace]

Oh. Ok.  I guess that makes sense.  Sorta like "Hi Bill, You Old Money Bag."  Probably good to interject the "money" part in there.

I think that's what Danny DeVito meant when he said "Of course you need money.  That's why they call it 'money.'"  ".

I didn't have any great grandparents.  I mean, my grandparents were great; they really were.  But they weren't great grandparents.  Just normal old grandparents.  Not that old, I guess, when I first met them.  The ones who lived did get old, then, later.

I'm not a humma, usually.  And it really bothers me when somebody is doing that at work.. or whistling.  I mean, leave it at home, you know?  I'd like to say "Hey, knock it off, you sum____."

Sumthing.  I've never lost my cable, using dialup.  I guess that's like saying "I've nevre tried to outrace a cop, in my Taurus."  Duh. Huh.

Ace; there's days I think that when I was born my folks would've gotten an "error" message.

[Bill]

Well I hope you didn't sign up for DSL just so you could be here more often, and quicker.    You seem to scare Ace frequently enough without being able to really sneak up on him.  

Humma
Humour
Humus
Chick peas and garlic , all mashed up.  Offspring's favorite - it smells like a panda.

Bill; even Oust doesn't work.

[Ace]

I thought humus was like fertilizer.  

I believe we should proclaim the Humerus as the Official Funny Bone Bone.

Ace; no, it's not the one in my head. dangit.

[Bill]

Humus is like fertilizer, at least it tastes about the same.

"Humerus" , is that English?  

Bill;

[Ace]

How the heck would I know; I'm American.  Actually, it's probably Latin or Greek or some other dead language.  No offense to any Greeks whom might be here.

Figuring out what fertilizer tastes like is like figuring out if a pet food has an improved flavour... I mean, who's testing it, you know?

You should never leave a semicolon hanging there, like that.  That causes a dangling particular clause, where you have the antecedent but then no conclusion.  Sorta like the end of days, where the anti-Christ gets born anyway and losing the head demon didn't seem to cause the bad guys any lost sleep and just when the space fireworks were about to start they all leave the beach to run inside...  So now we gotta wait 20 or 30 years for both kids to grow up, to fight it out....  That thing's gonna stretch longer than "Lost" before they're done with it.  

Ace; shoot, what was the dang question... I hate that.

[Bill]

Bet you didn't know that 20% of the "dog food" in the US is purchase  for human consumption.   Poverty does strange things.

Was there a question? I don't remember asking a question.  But then I don't remember a lot or alot.

Did I forget the tag line?

;

[Buffalo2102]

Humerus; The long bone of the arm or forelimb.

It's a latin word meaning upper arm.

Buff; what's a forelimb?

[Bill]

Thank you Dr. Buff.

Forelimb comes right after thirdlimb but before ....
Bill;  Fido has five, counting his wagging sledgehammer.

[Ace]

Yes.  Funny bone.  in your arm. Latin.  Hence, the joke.  Talk about going out on a limb.

Here's the tag line:

Ace; your it.

[Bill]

The latest worst feeling is having your LED flashlight drop on its nose.  Or, your nose, breaking the blub.  Not to mention the glasses.

Geez, this place is getting weird, to quote the collective JimS.

Bill,  the batteries are dea  

[Ace]

Breaking the Blub.  That would hurt.  Of course, the more blub you have the more blubbery you are.  People who are really blubbery shouldn't even attempt swimsuits, if you ask me.  I once saw one of our blubber-b__ted relation actually wear sweat pants into a pool.  Boy, do those absorb like crazy...

And here's to our more sentimental blubbering poasters.  It's funny, but I don't think you can have a light blub since blubber is heavy by nature.

Ace; and still more proof I read.

[Ace]

Not So Bad Feeling:

Seeing Jester's name leading off multiple poasts.  That means they're dead.

Ace; that's not my name, either.  Geez.

[Buffalo2102]

I play 5-a-side football (soccer for you gridiron monkeys out there) and I was today reminded of another of the worst feelings in the world.  This feeling occured when a member of the opposing team decided to take a shot at goal and connected very sweetly with the ball.  The ball then travelled at extremely high velocity towards me (I play in goal) and, without knowing much about it, I managed to save it - with my .....um...groin.

Any women out there will not really be able to comprehend the enormity of this but I am sure that the gents will agree with me wholeheartedly when I say that the pain I experienced today was something that I couldn't wish on anybody.

Luckily, the second shot that I had to save hit me directly in the face and gave me a nosebleed.  This went some way towards taking the focus off of the pain in my shorts.

Oh, and we do get Letterman thrust upon us here in the UK.  It is broadcast at about 1am on one of the commercial TV stations and obviously isn't as popular as it is in the US.

Buff; Ouch!

[Ace]

Buff, look... I'm a Yank, and I know we're not the brightest tools in the shed as far as shedding light on things Euro or Global sometimes.  We know baseball, as the national Past-time (which it is).  And Football, which we've lent to you over there.  I guess there would be a bunch of burly jocks who'd want to play for Amsterdam, probably just due to the rumours about life there... Basketball, too; we invented that after teasing a deliveryman and hanging peach baskets out of his reach, after we stole it from the Indians.  Same with golf, from the Scots.  Unless Indians started that too.  I tell ya, sometimes I'm proud to be an Indian from Indiana.

Ok; here's the deal.  No way am I going to claim much in the way of knowledge of Soccer... Sure, we make the world cup now, but not like we're going far in it.  Geez, our best player is 16..!  But I am reasonably sure of something, and I think if you'll ask around you can confirm this with your mates over there and I think it will make life easier for you in your recreation and dramatically lessen the chances of great bodily harm:

It's OK for the Goaltender To Use His Hands. So, please: Use Yours.

When the ball comes careening like a bullet train for your groin, PUT OUT YOUR HANDS TO STOP IT.  Let alone turning, and letting it smack you on the other side.  I'd prefer that, personally, as opposed to a frontal shot.

When the ball comes zooming for your nose; PUT OUT YOUR HANDS TO STOP IT.  It's ok; they let you do that.  Heck, they WANT you to do that.  I know I do.

You are very special, being in goal.  And remember; it's ok!  It's LEGAL.  They WANT you to USE those Hands.  

Ace; and your head.  Geez.  You might try a helmet, actually...