NOTHING FUNNY HERE DANGIT

[Ace]

Where in the heck is Chandler.  Criminy.

Ok, otherwise.  Look; it's been like a week or so since there was a dang funny poast poasted.  And, I'm sorry, it was ok but not that funny.  Chuckling, knowing, humourous.. sure.  But not "Hee Haw" funny.

So.  Let's get on task, people.  I shall, as the appointed Jester, bring the funny farm to life.  Moo. Haw.

Presenting; Ace's Favorite Punchlines edited for PG-13 audiences, in case some kid just crept in...

Ok, here goes:

1. "I didn't say she was nuts.  I said she was (really) Goofy"

2. "So you know what the clerk said...?  'Holy (cow) a talking Pig!'"

3. "You (person)! You are on the other side!"

4. "Well, before Sister (pick one) is going to (what she'll do) in it, then I'm going to (do what I do) first."

5. "And, by the way, it's a Beemer and not a Porsche."

6. "Ok, now what?"

7. "A baby seal walks into (an establishment, or cudgel. Whichever)."

8. "What is this.. some kind of joke?"

9. "No, Officer.  I'm on the patch."

10. "Hello.... Mom?"

11. "You stay outta this, mister!  I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"


Ok.  There.  That oughta get things rolling.  I tell ya, they're all gems.

Ace; just doing my job.  

[Bubba]

 A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Indiana.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
 
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general.....and all in the name of humor!!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister!  I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

[Ace]

Duly noted.  See above.

Bubba's back.  Hooray.

The world is once again safe for blond jokes.  Send in the monkeys.

Ace; a Jester's work is never done.

[pat]

I filled up my car with gas today. After I had paid and driven away, I realized
that I had left the gas cap on top of my car. I stopped and
looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, I thought for a second and realized that other people
must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going
back to look by the side of the road since even if I couldn't
find my own gas cap, I might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, I hadn't been searching long when I found a gas cap. I
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," I thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one
that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

[Ace]

I'll use it; thanks.  I hate retelling my own personal favorites.  Heck, I'm the only one who laughs, then.

I'm still waiting for a joke about a "big city in Indiana."   Flat as it is, you'd figure I'd see one from here if there were any.

Ace; I look up to Pat.  I look sideways to Bubba.  

[Bubba]

 LAWYERS:
 
 
 1.  The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.  They had pictures
 of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
 
 2.  How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
 She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
 
 3.  How does an attorney sleep?
 First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
 
 4.  How many lawyer jokes are there?
 Only three.  The rest are true stories.
 
 5.  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
 How many can you afford?
 
 6.  How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 Three.  One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
 ladder company.
 
 7.  If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
 only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
 
 8.  What did the lawyer name his daughter?
 Sue.
 
 9.  What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
 Skeet.
 
 10.  What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
 Senator.
 
 11.  What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
 Your honor.
 
 12.  What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
 His partners.
 
 13.  What does a lawyer use for birth control?
 His personality.
 
 14.  What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
 Nothing.  There are some things a pig won't do.
 
 15.  What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
 The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
 
 16.  What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
 Removable wing tips.
 
 17.  Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
 Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
 New Jersey got first choice.
 
 
 AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL....
 
 
 18.  What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
 politician?
 Chelsea Clinton.
 

[Joanie]

I hope our lawyer Poasters will take Bubba's last poast the same way I take Blonde jokes.

Please.

Joanie

[Bubba]

How'd I do  Joanie,,,,,,, good huh ? Not one naughty word !!!!

Well one,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, LAWYER !!!

[Joanie]

"By George"  I think you got it Bubba. Not a naughty word in the entire joke but I am glad I am not a Lawyer reading it. I might get the urge to sue you.

Joanie

[Bubba]

I have my own law firm that I work with, perhaps you have heard of them;

Dewey, Screwum, and Howe

Plus Ace will quote many legalities to assist me

[Ace]

I am sick of legal humour.  I am illegal.

And I'm not a lawyer, or even an attorney.  So I find humour in everyone and everything, unless it's about me.  Which pretty much leaves Jesters and/or Clowns as very unfunny, in my estimation.  

I try to live up to that credo.  Creed.  Stupid derivative Pearl Jam rip-off.  

I was sorta blond, for a time, but that's moot now.  Mute.  Shh.

In welcoming Bubba's contribution to the NOthing Funny poast, I won't even mention "poast" was mispelled in the opening joke, about that office and spitting.  I don't know how he got away with spitting in a poast chain, but I am not Bubba's keeper, nor is it my day to watch him.

Ace; being a janitor, too, I am opposed to expectorations or projectile poasting.