Bubba and Ace

[Bubba]

Bubba and Ace are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.  Some hours later, Bubba wakes his faithful friend.

"Ace, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Ace replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Bubba.

Ace ponders for a minute.  "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Bubba?"
Bubba is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Ace, you knucklehead,!  Someone has stolen our tent."

[scuzzy]

I knew Ace was a big knucklehead all along. This proves it beyond a doubt.

[Ace]

Oh, the proof is in the pudding, if you ask me.

I've no idea how that relates.  

Okay, let's try this again; Well I'd Rather Be a Big Knucklehead than Have Tiny Yet Horrible Feet, Huh!!!?

Yeah, that's better.  Oh; and good news.  Animals are mysteriously buying the farm, at the National Zoo.  Already lost a couple Red Pandas, so the big black and whites can't be far behind.  I wish somebody would take Scuzzy to D.C. while they're eating, and yell "shoot."  That'd expedite matters.  

But don't make him walk to the exhibit from the parking lot.  With those feet, it'd take him a week.

I don't even know what a "knucklehead" is supposed to be.  And how come Ace talks like an Indian in that story?  "me see millions of stars"...  sounds like an old Lone Ranger outtake.  Like I'd be an Indian

oh.  hold it.  Ok, hold on a minute.  Shoot.  Ok.  We'll let that one stay.

Ace; at least my faithful friend Bubba doesn't make me look stupid, like Scuzzy does.  Me glad for that.  And first I thought we were camping in the dessert, it being fat Tuesday and all, but that was my mistake.  

[pat]

Ace was driving down an old country road when he spots
Bubba in a cornfield rowing a boat. He pulls over to the side of
the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief he stands at the
side of the road to watch Bubba for a while. When he could not
stand it any more he called out to Bubba in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

Bubba, out in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an
ocean of corn."

Ace standing on the side of the road is furious. He yells at
Bubba out in the field. "It is blokes like you that give the rest
of us Midwesterners a bad name."

Bubba out in the field just shrugged his shoulders and began rowing
again.

Back on the side of the road, Ace was beside himself and shook his
fist at Bubba out in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would
come out there and give you knock on the head."

[Ace]

There was not a kernel of truth to that.  Kernal.  Colonel.

I found it peculiar, as well, that a midwesterner would call a fellow one a "bloke."  It was humourous, as it were, yet surprising in context.  

It is not that safe to row row row your boat in a cornfield.  I saw Signs, and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and the Lord of the Rings, and I know what corn can do.  Coming, or going, it's all the same.  It's corn.

Ace; that was corny.  

[Bubba]

Ace,,,, he can walk on water,,,, but not on corn,,,,,, or is it "in" corn,,,?

[Neon]

*If* your were a true child of the corn, you would know that you walk *with* the corn. ;)

What I want to know is - when Ace graduated, did he and his classmates attach corn tassels to their morterboards?

[Ace]

No, we didn't attach corn tassels to our "morterboards."  Nor to our motherboards, nor motor boats.  We attached them to our mortarboards.  We used mortar, and pestles.  Pistols.  Pestilence.  I don't remember, it was quite awhile back.  Having just had a birthday, it's even further back than usual.

I am not, then, a true Child Of The Corn.  Although I enjoy Niblets, I probably couldn't find my way out of a corn maze.  It would be like trying to find my way around the many rooms here. Except they aren't corn.  

I remember Bob, in Twin Peaks, said "Fire, Walk With Me" but I don't remember him saying anything to the corn, up there.   Maybe they have pine tree mazes in the NW.

Maizes, if they're corn, I suppose.

Ace; criminy, you know Bubba's back when the commas are flying and I'm usually doing something stupid in a story.  As opposed to real life.  What a bloke.' 8)'

[Mr. Muddle]

"*If* your were a true child of the corn, you would know that you walk *with* the corn."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ace should know that! After all, he is well aware of who walks beyond the rows, because he is always spotted standing in the middle of the cornfield with a few bits of straw sticking out of his sleeves.

(I don't think the crows are scared of him though!)

Actually, here's a good question; if scarecrows are supposed to scare crows, then why are crows always found perched atop the scare crow?!

[Neon]

So you're saying that Ace is a man, out standing in his field? Nah.

Funny about the spellings. I typed it morterboard, then thought, "that looks wrong", and changed it to mortarboard. Then I thought, "better check it to be sure", so I entered mortarboard in google, but it got only a few hits. Then I entered morterboard in google, and lots of stores sell those, apparently. Just now, I looked at OED online, and it is indeed mortarboard. Sheesh. Mea culpa. I'm a moron. maroon. maccaroon. macaroni. macarena.

C'mon Ace, all of we Indians and former Indians are children of the corn. I vaguely remember not watching Twin Peaks because it was trendy.
Maize maze - hehe

Happy Birthday, ACE! I can't believe we forgot this year. You need to put it on the calendar so we don't forget.

[Ace]

I intentionally do not put it on the calendar, so as to add to your culpa.  I have Twin Peaks on tape, if you want to borrow it.

I don't think scarecrows scare cows, either.  If I only had a brain...

I do find it precious to put *words* in asterisks.  It makes them stand *out*.  I shall incorporate that for future poastings.  I do not find shouting "HAHA" twenty or fifty times that intriguing, unless one includes at least half as many commas amongst them.

I do enjoy the occasional "mystery" punctuation at the end of a *line*, such as "?!" or "!?" or "?.!" or "$%&" or even "*".

Your were, not my were.

ace; you a culpa.

[Mr. Muddle]

Ace; please don't exaggerate. It was only thirteen times!!":?`?^*<>@';|\!!!!

Bubba; what if the tent had a transparent roof?!

...Or Ace was sleeping *****ON***** the roof?!

...Or Ace wasn't even in the same tent as Bubba, as it would be highly unlikely that anyone would let Ace share their tent because having a great big grizzly making scratching noises *****INSIDE***** the tent as well as outside wouldn't make for a very comfortable night's sleep?!

[44mayg]

I think the best way to keep the forum from dispersing all those backslashes, we should replace all them little "thingies" (probably can*t even say their name here) with *asterisks*.

Can*t be too careful, as they might take over the forum. We could all drown in backslashes. Have you ever seen someone drown in a pool of backslashes? It ain*t a pretty sight! I don*t want to see it, can*t stand the thought.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,., don*t you know!?!?!

I didn*t think so, and I don*t want to find out we can*t stop them once they multiply out of control.

[Bubba]

As the originator of the "Comma Syndrome", I must protest all the copy cat poastings. It is a disease. In response to these outbursts, I shall no longer share my commas here, from now on, instead of multiple commas, I shall insert the phrase, {pause}, instead,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, maybe, er, rats, I mean,

instead {pause} maybe.

Hopefully, another trip to the Betty Ford Comma Clinic will take care of the problem.

As to the "tent Incident", I should have edited the content of the joke, just the thought of sharing a tent with Ace has become quite an emotional and physical burden, chills, fever, flashbacks, sleepless nights {pause} hopefully, the new branch of the Betty Ford Anti-Ace Clinic can help.

[Ace]

Bubba just awoke from being in a comma.


"Slip inside my sleeping bag..."
The Reverend Billy Gibbons

[44mayg]

Hey.,.,.,.,.,., my commas are different. They*re walking with kernels of korn.,.,.,.,.,.,!

[Bubba]

Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, have you no decency ? You are making a mockery of my beloved commas, it is my disease, they are innocent, and know not what they do.

[44mayg]

Heck.,.,.,.,.,., I've been told more than once I*m not decent. Besides.,.,.,.,., I know you*re commas are innocent and don*t know.,.,.,., uhhhh.,.,.,., I mean.,.,.,.,., know not what they do.

That*s why the korn is walking with them.,.,.,.,., to show them the way and teach as they go along the diseased path.

Problem is.,.,.,.,. Ace is walking behind eating all the korn. Used to be peanut butter sandwiches.,.,.,.,.,., from a lawn chair no less!?*^!! :-)

[Ace]

No, if Korn was walking in the corn you'd know it.  Not like they're subtle.  Munky and Head could be heard from some distance away.  

Only if the lawn chair was airborne, for a time.  All that goes up must come down.  Sometimes, stuff that goes down must come up.  Usually on New Years Day, at about 2 AM before I wised up.

Ace; what goes around will.  

[Neon]

Ace must be referring to the famous tale of The Lawn Chair Pilot. It is an amazing story with a miraculous ending.

[Ace]

No.  I wasn't.  Apparently not.

I was referring to myself, in a lawn chair, on the back stoop, after too many.  If it's Jagermeister, I've found I can float over the backyard and observe antlers appearing on the furry little denizens there.

If tequila, well, who knows what you'll hallucinate.  Or Coronas, and then I'd probably just doze off and remain seated.

Some flashbacks should remain unflashed.  And left back.

Ace; let's not go there, shan't we.

[pat]

Bubba walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best bloke here." Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your bloke arrives to pour his?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best bloke in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," Bubba retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Ace, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it back to Bubba. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says,
"Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Ace, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor an moron!"

[Ace]

If only I had seen that coming.

I would think Bubba's pocket would stink, too.  I was relieved to see it was an indigenous witch doctor, and not an alien or tourist witch doctor.  I can't stand those guys.

Ace; in proportion, I shall pour 5 foot tall drink when I get home.  I hope I don't have to get up then, during the night...