A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
Good joke, keep them coming.
Excellent! Another one of you should be banned for contributing to the delinquency of a miner, but that's ok since there are more of you where that came from.
Yes, I know I spelled "miner" that way. Miners usually get the shaft, as it is.
Ace; if Scuzzy looked at himself in somebody's compact, it'd break.
AT LAST, A REAL MALE BLONDE JOKE
There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde passenger that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies once again: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying just where I am!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!"
The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft.
The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.
The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
I quit bowling because my mind is always in the gutter.
You're rolling now, Jims. C'mon; you can get the record for consecutive blond jokes. It's ok if you stole them; so do some Olympians.
Ace; I wonder where the redheads were, in all of this? Let us alone the green and purple haired girls, like my nieces.
Ace, you give me too much credit. That'll be the day that I have an original joke.
Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
That's why the good lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
PLAGIARIZE, PLAGIARIZE, PLAGIARIZE!
- Tom Lehrer
Well, Jims, I don't know how many of you there are, but I don't recall giving you anything. If I did, I want it back, especially with a crowd like you getting it. You're probably selling it to blond(e)s(s) at a big mark-up.
I plagiarize myself typically. I don't think I had an original thought since I stood at the Gates of the Quantex Chatroom and thought "Huh, maybe I should go in there. I'm thinking of buying one of those."
Bad idea. No, not so much buying the Quantex... it was a decent machine, even though the software arrived about a month after it did. Just going in to chat.
Probably, to this day, some people stand outside the Great Gates of Poasters and read the drivel I mean Ode to The Origin Of Poasters and think "Hey, this looks like a swell place to get computer advice." "Oh, and look; they have a Jester! That's gotta be Fun."
Worse idea. I gotta think they're gonna be in for a shock when they see an entire chamber dedicated to Dead Monkey Jokes and Blond(e) Humour. With a madcap jingling dink surly sourpuss in upturned shoes hurling invectives around. They probably gotta cover the eyes AND ears of the little ones they dragged in; kids usually can recognize the truth more than adults. They know a Jester is about as scary as a clown. And to be avoided, along those same lines. Not as bad as a mime; that's on the level of "panda." But even a mime knows when to shut up; not a Jester, typically.
Like I said; leave the kids outside. Let them go wander over to the whitehouse dot com or some other aberrant site while you soak in the computer wisdom and technical expertise here. And sample the day old coffee and jokes. It's not a place for the meek, or innocent. Well, yes, Trav is welcome here, but that's as far as we're stretching it. And he's not so meek, and the more he explains it I don't think he's all that innocent, either.
Ace; your welcome. Here.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
?My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and then shouts back, ?You are on the other side!"
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here:",she put "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front.
Two blondes that were living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, " What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo - can you see Florida?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
New Inventions by Blondes...
 The water-proof towel
 Glow in the dark sunglasses
 Solar powered flashlights
 Submarine screen doors
 A book on how to read
 Inflatable dart boards
 A dictionary index
 Powdered water
 Pedal powered wheel chairs
 Water proof tea bags
 Watermelon seed sorter
 Zero proof alcohol
 Reusable ice cubes
 See through toilet tissue
 Skinless bananas
 Do it yourself roadmap
 Helicopter ejector seat
Thank you. I'll take them.
Ace; I just looked outside; I can't see Florida either.
No one else can either. It has been blown away.
I can see the moon.
I can?t hear South Bend or to Notre Dame.
You'll hear ND Saturday, when Purdue beats them. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
I especially enjoy the gnashing of teeth. Actually, I think that's a spell in Neverwinter Nights I need to learn. Maybe it could cause silly poems too, if you had Ogden Gnashing of Teeth.
Ace; I heard Nantucket has wailing.
Sorry, I've been negligent/busy/blonde...
Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.
(Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidentally, she brought the escalator home with her. She'll buy anything marked down!)
A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"
Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.
A professor invented a lie-detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of his life.
She began, "I think -"
The next thing he knew, she was sitting in the floor.
What do a group of blonds have in common?
Nothing they can think of.
A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."
How do you confuse a blond?
You don't have to. They're born that way.
How do you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does she confuse you back?
She comes out and says she did.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her, "How do you confuse a blonde?" and walk away. However, she will bug you for the answer all day.
There was an enchanted cave with a majic lamp inside...you could make only one wish......
so one day a blonde girl goes in the cave and wishes she were a hundred times smarter......
she turned into a red head.....well another red head came to the cave several years later and....
wished she were a thousand times smarter...she turned into a brunette.....Then alas one day a Brunette came to the cave and wished she were a billion times smarter...well she turned into a man.
:o
And, lo, the dark haired man thought "Well, I've gone from a blonde woman to a redhead to a brunette and now to a man... all because of this magic (sp) lamp. What would be the next best thing?"
And he lost his hair.
And then the man thought, "I've gone from not so smart to a hundred times smarter.. to a thousand times smarter... to a billion times smarter (don't ask where the million one went).. no one could be smarter than that. So where do I go from here?"
And he turned into a Jester.
At which point he thought "Well, dangit, this is no good. I've lost my hair, I've lost my mind, and now I'm wearing this dang jingly bell cap and upturned shoes and powered vest. What could be worse than this?!?"
And he turned into a monkey.
And the monkey, who was once a man, let alone the tri-colored (that's triple hued) females so noted, thought to himself, and forlornly asked "What could be worse than being a dang monkey, dangit?"
And he died.
Ace; could be worse. Coulda become a panda.
So thats where the monkeys mounted over the bar came from! BTW, was the monkey blonde?
The dang monkey photos came from eBay, dangit. It said so in the dang joke. I wish people would read the dang things closely, to pick up these details and nuances.
Criminy, I know it's tedious. Imagine what it's like writing them.
Ace; the monkey was blonde, but not a natural blond.
Oh, wait..the monkeys were photos, not stuffed?
It was so long ago, I can't remember.
That must have been in the dang joke as well.
Crikey
Geez Crikey. The JimS go to the trouble of poasting all these fine blond(e) jokes, and Halo The Kid offers up a nice seque, and we wind up talking about some lame joke I made up a few doors down. And half of it I stole, anyway. Probably the better half.
I apologize to JimS, one and all, for having this poast take such an unfortunate turn. Please, if you would, continue the blond(e) chain.
Ace; the weakest link in a blond chain would be.. well, any of them.
As always in all things Poasters, you're absolutely right - it was lame.
Blondes do have more fun, they just don't know it.
well my last joke was one i have known since....
junior high...you know.. that era where suddenly knock knock jokes arent cool anymore.
but let me try a little more adlib on the fly...
why are blondes so dumb?
because god bleached thier hair....... and thier brains.
( im making these as i go along here)
why do blondes have more fun?
because thier the only ones who
can play with spoon for 5 hours
(awww that was a miss)
Blondes are sooo stupid
they throw a rock at the ground and miss.
(not to bad)
The Barbie Doctrine.....
Ask yourself this..... what is Barbies purpose in life? to drive a corvet? to hang out with ken then walk over to her trailer and drink soda?
and then giggle and change into a another outfit anf start jaming to tunes with her barbie radio....see many girls do this but dont live thier lives like barbie.. so why do blondes?
they try to live like a barbie commercial. I think its because Barbie and the blondes have the same color hair.. a kind of imprinting. or mimicry by means of association. (that barbie world song comes in mind)
who likes convertables the most?
Pink Anyone?
who sounds just like the girls in the commercial?
so i think there are less Blonde Doctors in the world today because of Barbie.....Just think ...
there could be blondes doing open-heart surgery in a neighborhood near you.
Thanks, Mattel.
I don't think you needed to say you were making them up... Probably equating Barbie with trailer trash brings to mind Paris Hilton.
I'll try one:
Knock Knock
Blonde: huh?
Ace; I make everything up. Blondes probably makeup more than anyone.
Hey, Ace, I thought you did pretty well. I can't complain about this thread being hijacked, since my contributions haven't been all that regular. Neither have I, for that matter, but that's for another thread...
A blond painted an X on the bottom of the boat. His blond friend walked up and asked, "What are you doing?"
He replied, "Now we'll be able to find the same fishing spot again."
"You idiot!" his blond friend said. "We may not get the same boat again!"
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
A blonde was staring, dumbfounded, at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side. She yelled, "Hey, can you help me get to the other side?"
The other blonde replied, "You ARE on the other side!"
What happens when a blond gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her I.Q. goes up!
What did the blond get on her I.Q. test?
Drool.
What do you call a blond golfer with an I.Q. of 125?
A foursome.
What's five miles long and has an I.Q. of forty?
A blonde parade.
Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Why can't blonds make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
Geez James, about time you got back to work. Thank you. I can steal a few of those; I always liked the "other side" one especially.
I was thinking of trying another one I'd make up. I haven't had a series like that since the Korny Jokes. And everyone remembers how well they were received.
Ok; here goes:
Knock Knock
Blonde: Is that my phone??
Ok; one more:
Blonde: Knock Knock
non-blond: Who's there?
Blonde: Well, it's me. Duh!
Ace; no joke.
Duh.
Latest rumor at Poasters:
Ace is (or was) fair haired.
Well, I'm fair minded.
I suppose "light haired" would be accurate.
Ace; light minded, too.
There is a commercial beibg aired on the east coast that qualifies for this thread.
Woman standing in front of mirror saya to man-
"does this dress make my cholesterol look low"?
Sorry if this one's already been told but I don't have time to go back and read every blonde joke so far.
A blonde and a brunette are walking through the park when the brunette spots a dead bird. "Awwww, look a the poor dead birdy" she cries.
The blonde looks up into the sky and says "Where? Where?
Good one, Buffalo, I like it.
Ace, as far as stealing these jokes, up until recently, the only jokes that I've poasted were jokes gotten the hard way, i.e., hearing or seeing them and passing them on. Up until recently. I confess that I've Googled 'blonde jokes' and have been using these.
A whole mess of 'em out there. If plagiarizing is good enough for Tom Lehrer to write a song about (dating myself, aren't I) then plagiarizing is good enough for me.
On a similar note, Mark Twain was quoted as saying something to the effect of "In life, get what you need, and if you need to get it legally, do it that way, too."
So by all means, PLAGIARIZE!!! (jokes, that is...)
Which One Is Which?
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our blonde friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black. :P
argh, poor horses, stupid blonde, go figure
Well, sure, if they're facing the wrong way.
So; If I steal a joke from JimS or Karen and it's already been stolen, is it now original? Like a double negative is positive?
Ace; I'm positive. Type O, I think.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."
Ask her what the capitol of Michiana is... Heh.
Oh, shoot. Hold on. There isn't a dang capitol of Indiana. Oh, but you know what: I is the capital of Indiana!
Cool. I is the Capital of Indiana and not Pat! Sweet.
Ace; keep the blonde jokes coming. I use them, and it keeps one of my stupid poasts from being in the top spot.
Just got back from a week at Disney/Epcot/MGM with the family. One night we ate at a restaurant with the kind of table manners my kids love, i.e., the waitress throws a pile of napkins and a handful of straws up in the air over the table and shouts, "Here's the napkins and straws!" Anyway, our waitress was this blonde who spoke in the most annoying, loud, nasally voice, which she obviously used just for this job. If she made any kind of error or mistake, she'd loudly exclaim "What'd ya expect, I'm a blonde!"
All in all, a great meal and a great time.
I oughta throw napkins and straws and yell that at the Squirrels, to scare them away.
You know, I had this vision of a Public Speaking for Blondes class where they're trained to acquire loud, nasal, irritating vocal mannerisms. All of them reciting "What'd Ya Expect..." at once.
Glad you had a good time. Now, if you could please, start poasting some more dang jokes. I'm glad you caught a break, but vacation is over. Get back to work, dangit.
Ace; criminy, I can just see a crowd of JimS trying to cut into line at one of the exhibits...
OK, back on topic.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts "Ready!..., Aim!..." Suddenly the brunette yells "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts "Ready!..., Aim!..." Suddenly the redhead yells "TORNADO!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts "Ready!..., Aim!..." and the blonde yells "FIRE!".
Not brilliant but I don't feel bad 'cause I stole it anyway.
Another good one, Buff...
Sorry I haven't contributed in a while. I'm in between jobs, and the process of tying up as many loose ends as possible in the old job while getting ready for the new one exceeded my mental bandwidth (which, in truth, isn't all that hard to do). Add the holidays and the multitude of unfinished jobs around the house, and, well, you get the idea. The job, by the way, is an upgrade. I feel very fortunate that while there are so many unable to find work, I was able to land a position in a renown institution at a salary higher than I requested.
This is supposed to be about blond jokes, isn't it? I hate it when someone hijacks a thread. Wait a minute, this was my thread... Okay, let's get it back on track:
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely!"
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night, Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."
Finally; the Ghost of Blonde Jokes Past appears for the holiday. I hope next year you are able to contribute in a more consistent, and timely, fashion. About time you showed up for work.
Just remember, if you don't poast a joke one of us has to make one up...
Ace; nobody needs that, especially this time of year.
Ace, I consider myself properly chastised. I'll do my woeful best to pull my weight around here.
Well, good. I don't like to see someone improperly chastised. Chastized. Chastity belted.
"Woeful best." That'd be nice, as an epitaph: "He did his woeful best..."
The loser...
Ace; don't try to pull my weight... you could get hurt.
Reading that milk baths would improve her skin, the blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of whole milk. He read her note, but thought there must be a mistake. Surely she wanted 1.5 gallons.
He knocked on her door, she answered, and he said, "I found your note. Did you mean a gallon and a half?"
She replied, "Nope. 15 gallons. I'm going to take a milk bath. They're good for your skin, you know!"
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
She replied, "No, about up to my chest. I'll just splash it in my eyes!"
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night, with the tip of her index finger shot off.
?How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
?Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
?What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
?No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a loud noise.' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
There was a power outage at the shopping mall and 12 blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
A CD/DVD rewinder for blondes...
http://dvdrewinder.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1&products_id=1
The tee would have to come with instructions!
B-
I'm pretty sure the tag goes in front...
AC/BC
And the big opening goes up.
Usually, when somebody here leaves a big opening, the whole thing goes down..! As in "collapses."
I wound up buying XXL tee shirts since my legs wouldn't fit an XL.
B.(the C)
And suspenders, but we were talking about Blond(e)s
I may have been Blond, once.
I may have been a lot of things. Once.
RobCat
" I may have been Blond, once." but what, you don't remember?
I have been a lot of things too. Confused, foolish, rich, now poor, but never, never a hyjacker of Poasts.
B-; not C
Vaguely. I still own a comb.. and brushes. I don't know why. I remember having a comb, in my back pocket. I remember feeling undressed, and ill prepared, without one. In High School, I would stop between every class and comb my hair.
I remember how a hair drier felt.. a hot comb, even. Shampooing, and actually grabbing a-hold of something. Conditioning, after.
Criminy, now it'd just be "polishing."
There was a time when I'd actually use a little Nice & Easy from my wife while she was dyeing her hair, and apply it... and, yes, it was blond. I figured "why not." So, yeah, I may have been. Once. For a little while.
On a little bit. What was left.
Sigh.
Phonetically, that's "Heeaaaaauughggghh."
Oh, and you mispelled "hi." I mean "high."
Bobcat. Not a blond cat.
I do it all the the time. Like what that famous president said, "Be sure you're certain, then go ahead." Or was it "be certain you're sure...."?
Its like that with me and spelling- looks right, must be OK. Do you mean it should look like this: highjacker or hijacker -none look right- a stealer of poasts- works for me.
'course if the powers that be could arrange a spell checker here; but probably more of a headache for some of us that routinely misspell. What the heck..guess we'll and you'l suffer with it -typoes and all.
I think it's a classic.
Bobpig; better than a blond(e) monkey joke.
Sorry, folks... new job... haven't even been lurking much, let alone poast... here's one:
The exhausted blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doc, the neighborhood dogs bark all night. I can't get a wink of sleep."
The doctor examined her and found her some samples. "These new sleeping pills work great. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," said the blonde. "I'll try anything!"
The next week, she returned, looking even worse. "Doc, your plan stinks. I'm more tired than I was before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"Maybe so, but now I spend all night chasing those dogs and even when I finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow those pills!"
LOL
Good to have you back Jim.
What's your new job? JobS? Any blondes work with you? Are they cute? Do stupid stuff? Either you, or them? Anything worth mentioning? Photos?
Good combo joke; dogs and blondes. If the dog had a monkey riding him it would be darn near perfect. And doctors... They oughta be abused in jokes, more.
If we can lure the JimS into the Waldo search, that thing could build to epic proportions and hit 8 pages easy. And then...
Ace; what?
Thanks, Buffalo, I've missed hanging out here. Hopefully things will settle down. Lots of changes, for the most part good ones, though. My mental bandwidth, which was never all that wide to begin with, has been constantly maxed out.
Blonde Joke Central? Well, at least that's one area of my life that's centered. There's lots of things I don't know, 5 or 12; just ask my wife. Keen, alert mind? In my own mind, sure, yeah, that's me. Popular opinion suggests that you look elsewhere. Thanks for the kind sentiments, though.
Ace, I actually share an office with a blonde, but she's really cool about it. If she does something stupid, she says "Excuse me, I'm being blonde today".
I agree with starting a doctor joke thread. Working in a major medical center in New York, I've met more than my share of jokers, er, I mean doctors. Lawyer jokes are another favorite of mine; they're quite plentiful, too.
I haven't checked the Waldo thread. Is he blonde?
Ask him. Waldo is JohnnyOH, AKA 5 or 12.
Reading some of his poasts lately, I think he may be blond(e). Or at least have a few highlights. Or maybe 5 or 12 refers to the number of personalities he has. Yes, that's it.
Anyway, it's good that he's back now. Ace and Bill were monopolising... monopolizing.... had the place to themselves.
You're lucky I didn't go with "4 or 8", which was my first thought. And Buff; for criminy out loud... Whose fault is it you cut off the dang import of Angelina Jolie pics and such? Us, the dang viewing public? Instead of "Monopolizing" let's try "every body else took off for break and forgot to punch back in leaving the dang custodian and the dogkeeper to have to run the dang factory by themselves dangit."
Anyway, Johhnny, your welcome. Although I'd just as soon you went back to "Johnnysomething" (no; do NOT use that you doofus) as it's easier to remember actual names and it's shorter than 5 or 12 letters.
Like, Bill is easier for me to keep in mind than "bill" or "Robt." or lugnut or whatever it was he was for awhile there. I don't think I mispelled "Bob" though, so for me that might have been an improvement.
Ace; it's more fun when the gang's all here. I don't have to put up with myself as much.
You misspelled "boob". You know if you're going to sling names around you might as well try to get them right.
The dogkeeper; I'm glad we finally got some help here. Sharing the midnight shift with TG, given his graven image, ain't always fun.
His is a craven graven image. Raving craven graven image. Misbehaving raving craven graven image. Cost saving misbehaving raving craven graven image. Waving saving misbehaving raving craven graven image.
Quoth the raving.... nevermore.
I did not misspell "tat." Buff did. "oh keeper of the giant dog."
Ace; watch where you step...
Margaritas in the morning make it go away.
Friendly Fido:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/foxybill/Fido.jpg)
the kennelkeeper; stilts work.
Gee-gaw. I saw that thing and jumped. Back.
That thing looks like it could.. a brick. Or rock, at least. I'd take a hammer to it, but I'd be afraid it'd grab it and hammer me right back.
I suppose a morning margarita would be ok. I've done sunrises, and they're still fruit juice, so wouldn't be inappropriate.
Ace; maybe a cocktail poast to go with pizza.
Nah, Fido would just take the offending hand, and arm probably. He is easy to get to know and like, you just have to remember the daily sacrificial offerings.
He likes pizza too.
the keeper
Even with all of the hijacking, this poast has fallen far too low on the list. I know, my fault...
Well, this is sorta-kinda a blonde joke.
A traveling salesman was having car trouble, so he stopped at a farmhouse to ask if he could spend the night. "I dunno," said the farmer. "It's a mite crowded, since there's already someone in ma spare room, but I guess you can stay - if you don't mind sharing a bed with a young blonde schoolteacher." The salesman replied with a grin, "I assure you, sir: I am a gentleman." "Well," said the farmer, "far as I can tell, so is that young blonde schoolteacher!"
Well, thank you JimS, that drove it right underground.
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Ace; not that there's anything right with it, either.
JimS put it in the Farmer's closet - never to see the light of day, again.
Bill
Sure; start speaking Canadian. That oughta bring back Trav.
Eh.
Ace; and they accuse me of abusing foreign languages. And English.
Okay, here's a quick fix for the blonde joke junkies: blonde bumper stickers:
Us blondes aren't dumb
Not all dumbs are blonde
You have such beautiful blonde hair - why in the world did you dye your roots black?
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
I am NOT a dumb blonde! (attached upside-down)
To entertain a blonde look below (top) - To entertain a blonde look above (bottom)
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
(Excuse Me... I have blonde root syndrome)
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
The aliens have arrived and they are eating the skinny blondes first.
BLONDE if you're HONK!!
Your village called; they want their blonde back.
I might be a dumb blonde but I am good at speling.
I suffer from BRS: Blonde Root Syndrome
If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at the blondes!
Did you hear about the blonde that tripped over her cordless phone?
We got our dumb reputation from the brunettes who dyed their hair.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.
What does a blonde say when you blow into her ear? "Thanks for the refill."
Blondes aren't dumb! (Attached upside-down)
Blonde jokes are one-liners just so brunettes can understand them
If a Blonde throws a pin at you RUN, she?s got a hand grenade in her mouth!
If you?re not blonde, why do you act like it?
What has two brain cells? A pregnant blonde
Now someone get over here and fix my computer, dangit.
Oh, your computer's fine. It does everything we need it to.
Ace; keep'em coming.
Geez, seems like I gotta do all of the work around here... Okay, here's one:
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"They called back."
Not a blonde joke, but I thought it was great:
Pfizer is coming out with a liquid Viagra.
Now men can go home and pour themselves a good stiff one...
Those were aight. Do some more.
Ace; I like that he has to do all the work around here.
A blonde and a brunette were having lunch when the blonde's cell phone rang. She ignored it and continued to eat. It rang again. And again. And each time, she ignored it. Finally, the brunette asked, "Why don't you answer your phone?" The blonde replied, "It can't be for me. Nobody knows I'm here!"
I could see that happening.
Ace; I hope nobody knows I'm here, either.
Only the Shadow knows.
Bill; from the Dark Side, of the shadow.
There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.
This other blonde drives by and sees this blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot. So she stops her car gets out and yells "IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SWIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!"
Here's another:
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
Okay, one more:
There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing, "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again, "Don't knock the headphones off my head". This time, though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconscious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
Okay, take a breath.. that's better.
Any time a blonde yells, you know it's going to be funny. Good ones; thanks. Heck, take the rest of the weekend off. Good work.
Ace; we expect you back with more on Monday, though.
I third what I said.
A triplet from Belleville.
ed. note: sorry, but it's the weekend and obviously a slow news day.
Ace; an inane poast is better than no poast at all. :-\
Oh, yeah?
Back to short Poasts, its the weekend, after all.
Bill; in between chores.
"It's." Criminy. A little typo.
You know, I was sitting here picking nits, and I started to think of new nicknames for people who Surround The Crossroads of America: Indiana. Of whom I may have mentioned would naturally be "Indians."
So; I hereby decree:
Citizens of Michigan can be known as "ichs."
Illinois can be "noises."
Ohio can use "Oh. Hi."
Kentucky is free to go with "yuck."
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/Roxybob/Nutcase.jpg)
Ace; huh. Another nit. I mean nut.
Geez, is that all you have to do today?
Do they pick up the empty shells?
Bill
Yes.
No.
Ace; that sounded like a blonde trying to guess on a "true-false" test.
Well they'd be right, half the time. 'bout how my day went.
TGIM, soon anyway.
Bill; dang dandelions.
Normally I wouldn't look forward to a Monday, but this one is aight since JimS have to reappear to poast new Blonde material.
See, the joke was the Blonde wouldn't have gotten any right on the True-False test, since the answers wouldn't be "Yes" or "No." That's an example of very subtle humour. Very.
Subliminal, almost.
Ok; that's why Jims Need To Appear and poast Blonde Jokes and not me.
Ace; Poasting activity is known as Poast Op.
Obscure, even. I don't understand your explanation, either. But at the end of the the day, who cares? Just another bit of magical Michiana that sailed over head.
And about the typo, "it;s" - that better? Actually it wasn't a typo, there are contextual situations where "its" is correct, I just can't remember when or what the rule is for the semicolon. Yes, I know...
Bill; true or false?
It's better if blond(e)s are tall because that way there's less chance of stuff going over their heads.
See? Chandler got "It's" right, and he doesn't even speak American.
Ace; I might give English a try, one of these days.
Yes, you should have a go at it. :P
FYI: http://tinyurl.com/dmg6f
Altho the semicolon is easier to use.
Bill; as opposed to a run at it. That might hurt.
Geez, it's not for me. I got it right.
I was thinking I could use Chandler's avatar statement with my avatar.
Of course, the semicolon is easiest to use. It's a peach of a punctuation. It pauses, but not completely. It sets up a statement; everybody has to love that. You can squeeze it in; almost anywhere. Well, ok, not there, but a lot of places.
You know, I've seen people spell a lot "alot." Like it's a real word.
I should probably think up some "blonde mispelling something" joke. Criminy, if he doesn't get back in here will probably have to.
Ace; all those JimS and none of them shows up for work...
Monday??? MONDAY??? AAAAHHHH, THE PRESSURE, I (oops, I mean we) CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!!!
There, that's better, I'm (oops, I mean we're) okay now...
It's Wednesday. Okay, we're late. So sue us...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile. "Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Darn, this one is barefoot, too!"
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.
At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.
The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
UROK2.
Thanks.
Ace; it's ok these came in on Wednesday, since it's probably Wednesday somewhere in the world anyway.
Two blondes were building a house. One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren?t defective, they are for the other side of the house."
Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.
Two women jump off a bridge, one was blonde and the other brunette. Who hits the ground first?
The brunette. She just fell but the blonde had to stop to ask for directions.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Excellent! You nailed it, didn't airmail it, set sail to it, detailed it.
Criminy, now I'm starting to sound like Johnny... Ok; those were good. One was recycled, but that's aight if it's a good one.
Ace; I'm having black coffee.
http://207.44.188.226/Humor/sight/images/BlondeBMW.jpg
http://207.44.188.226/Humor/sight/images/FemaleDriver3.jpg
Dang! You JimS are not only great wordsmiths but now you do graphic arts too! That is too cool. You guys are something else.
Ace; I wish I was something else.
I should have given credit for those to Al Lowe's (the creator of Leisure Suit Larry) Humor Site, allowe.com.
My bad, Al. Credit given where credit's deserved.
Ok. That's understandable.
Ace; but you mispelled AI.
Good Job, JA! For picking up the mantle and running with it.
(and for our German readers, that does not say "Good Job, Yes!").
Ace; I especially liked the "weasel" touch.
You done good. JA.
(to our Euro friends, Ace just poasted: "You did good. Yes.")
Ace; he did. He done.
That must have been a creative substitution. Weasel is too good a word.
Bill
I wonder what weasels call each other, to be mean?
Ace; I do. I wonder.
Of course. I would have thought of that, but I refuse to think about them.
I am not thinking about them, now.
Ace; I will not.
Gotta reclaim my thread... dang hijackers...
A blonde applied for a job and was given a form to complete. On a form was a box labeled, "Salary Expected." After much thought, the blonde wrote, "Yes."
It's your own fault for leaving the door open. And good for her; I hope she gets what she asked for.
Ace; a good day for me is if I get what I want, and not what I deserve.
Hi. Just wanted to introduce ourselves...we're married to JimS.
We felt compelled to poast after reading this Blonde thread while JimS went on a Friday fast food foray. (We're into alliteration.)
I thought you might like to know that JimS has a v. blonde son, and that I have been known to pay good money for blonde highlights, although I am now seriously questioning the logic behind that decision.
Welcome.
Are you going to follow suit with a new line of gender jokes?
Bill; thank goodnes they don'to find gray funny.
WWHHAAAAA!!!!
I don't believe this... geez, my last bastion of virtual privacy, and look, she's found me...
:'(
Honey, do I need to pick up any milk or bread?
I'm still trying to figure out "nurd" instead of "nerd." I guess it rhymes with
Oh, never mind. I am glad at least two of the Jims have revealed themselves, if not their roots. As soon as the rest of that group appears, we'll know their real names. Well, besides "Jim."
Gray is better than nothing. That's my theme.
I will say I'm not in any hurry to come to the JimS for dinner, if that's what they pick up at the store... I suppose if they did French Toast it wouldn't be too bad. And I don't have to shovel, so I'm ok with a big breakfast. We made Quiche and Croissants today, in honour of the French Open. I played tennis yesterday, and can't move my legs today, in honor of that.
Ace; Good thing I didn't try the Sunburst marathon or 10K. I'd lose it on a 1K.
I'm really messed up by my wife/wives finding me/us here. It raises a few of questions:
1) I thought I'd married one woman, but now there's more than one. I thought I was the one with the problems...
2) Does this make me/us a polygamist? And what does it make her/them?
No, it's polygamistS. And, the same.
Bill; glad my wife is non-user.
An original blonde joke:
A young blonde woman and her friends were returning from a spring break trip to Europe. Walking down the ramp after having disembarked from the plane, her attention was drawn to a large sign over the doors. The sign, which directed passengers to the appropriate gates for luggage retrieval, read ? Americans 5 Visitors 3?, to which the blonde loudly cheered, ?We?re winning!?
This is no joke?it really happened!
I think it's funny to call Lee Ann Rhymes a nerd. Really. So's Carrie Underworld.
JimS. LinS. JimLinS. LinJimS. JimJams. LingLings. ChinChin the Wonder Panda. JimmyJamminLinOTypes. The Thin Blue Lin..
Ok; that's enough.
This is the first Poaster's Couple since ThatGuy introduced us to his Significant Other, and both disappeared Without A Trace. And Travis, in the mirror. Never to be seen, or heard from again... That's kinda scary. Whenever Two appear here, then Both Are Gone Forever. Almost like when Bill and that other guy were sharing the same space, and that kid and his dog entered the Bermuda Quadrangle at that tent.
There is some strange psychic stuff goin on, here.
Ace; I wonder if there are as many Lins as JimS.
The bigger "I wonder"is do they all thalk to each other, at the same time? That would be scary, or at least hard to follow.
"Sharing the same space" might be more meta-physical; confusing at the very least.
That Other Guy; Bill is busy.
Well, yeth. I'm thure they all thalk to each otherth. I beth they thalk to otherth peopleth, too. Thilly thing ith, they probably don't thay that much to each other hear.
Hearth.
Ace; Thay; shoot me now, I'm a duck.
Saanks.
Geez, one keyboardo..........
Yep, that guy.
Ok, not That Guy.
Ace, he don't miss nu-tin.
Geez, it's rough, I tell ya, livin' wit all dees wimin...
One of the LinS, I don't know which one, PURPOSEFULLY left the vacuum cleaner RIGHT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR!!! RIGHT WHERE I WAS RUNNING!!! ON PURPOSE!!! How they knew exactly where to put it, I dunno, but it was a direct hit. POW, SPLAT, BLOOWEE (enter your own favorite "Batman" adjectives here), one fractured toe...
It's rough, I tell ya. Can you imagine what it would be like if one or more of them were blond(e)?
please... make it stop...
Well JimS, maybe we should change the name of this forum to "The Broken Bone" in your honor.
Here we have all the makings of a multi-sided, territorial, on-line "discussion" of whose "rights" supercede whose?
Go Ss!
Bill; nuttin' like it.
I Nominate JimS for the Broken Bone Poaster Person Annual Award. I feel he should serve as Head of the Broken Bone Poast. Making him the Broken Bone Head.
I'm thinking maybe you just oughta volunteer to vacuum occasionally, so she wouldn't have to plant the thing there to make you notice it.
I sympathize with anyone with a broken toe. That has got to be painful. Which toe took the hit? If it was going to the market at the time, it'd be like a hit and run. Well, run then hit.
And don't feel bad if a keyboardo slips through. I'll be right there to draw your attention to it and identify it and isolate it and quarantine it and make sure the world knows about it. So that it will not cause harm or infest any else's poast.
Ace; I'm on it.
I nominate JimS to be the guest of honor (and I use that term loosely) at the first annual "Poast Roast". Not to be confused with pot roast...
Well done! (JimS facing adversity head and toe on, not the pot roast.)
This is my Quest
To honour this Poast
No matter how Hopeless
No matter if Toast
To lift up on my Toes
Filled with Pain and a corn
To run barefoot in Rain
And avoid spam and
Internet Porn.
And if my poor toe heals
then I know I'll be true
to this glorious Poast.
And my Roast
will be hot in the pot
And I hope to be adverse
to most.
Ace; add some onions.
Geez, Ace, we can't keep up with you...
Broken Bone Head? I've been called worse. Just ask my wives.
So you're thinking I oughta volunteer to vacuum occasionally? My father always used to say, "Whenever you think, I get in trouble."
Good job on your ode to this poast, though.
Now, if I may return to our purpose in being here:
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said, but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Okay, one more:
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
To poast, or not to poast: that is the query:
Whether 'tis nobler in our minds to suffer
The slings and arrows of Ace?s derision,
Or to take on a plethora of philosophical questions,
And by answering them, conquer them. To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The toe-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, especially when coming into direct contact with major household appliances.
I heard JimS muttering this ?
Well, sure, I could use some sleep about now. And I hate to do this, but you did mispell "hair." I'd agree that it's a lousy thing when you get yours caught in an appliance. Not that I have that happen to me, these days.
I'm not going to get all Shakespearean over this. Or Miltonean or Keatsean or even Stephen Kingean. It's too late, and I went off in iambic pentameter here once and legend has it that was once too many.
Ace; I don't think Query was part of this poast, either.
If they can fall asleep, the toes ain't that bad. If they can walk, they can vacuum or scrub the kitchen floor.
Good job on the new jokes, Andy.
Come on, give the ladies a break; a keyboardo once in awhile is OL .
Isn't like they're writing Hycus.
Bill; I don't do windows
It is my sworn duty as Jester to critique anyone who writes better than I I mean me and attempt to bring them down to my level. So get used to it, huh.
Criminy, just using "plethora" in a sentence is enough to make my toe twitch.
And, no, no one need poast a photo of a "toeswitch" that will turn mine on or off. Not that I couldn't use that during gout.
We don't know they are Ladies. Sure, they may say they are, but that's like taking the JimS at face value, since we've never seen theirs either. For all we know I'm actually a young attractive teenage Asian girl, poasting from Nebraska. And not some grumpy middle aged jester doofus in a Nike jester cap with dingly bells bathed in sarcasm and cheap tequila in the trailer state of Michiana... Well, for all you know. I finally got that one figured out.
Ace; being young and Asian I adore "Hello, Kitty!" and anime.
Ace, that's no lady, that's my wife!
Aha! that should have been "For all YOU know...." Surely you know if you're a grumpy, middle aged, bald jester. But then.....
But then, you have a point. I could be a Generation X, Upper Eastside Professional Dog Walker, doing all this from my oh so chic Blackberry while stolling Central Park with a dozen very fashionable miniature schnauzers in tow.
Well that may be a strech... only 6 .
Bill
Ok; so there are a number of JimS but just one wife...? That's a twist. I suppose the Amazons did that, with a harem in reverse. Well, except for Xena, since she acted like she switched to the other side...
There's hair there. Around there. I mean, how would I know it's mostly gray if there wasn't any..?!
I mean black. Thick black luxurious Asian hair. Right.
Ace; hari kari. I mean Kiri. I mean Harry Carray.
It was probably only one JimS poasting rather than the collective commune of JimS. That would account for 1 wife, per Jim
Back to the Park.
Bill
Or, consider the possibility that JimS used the seemingly singular noun wife in the collective sense, as one would in a "gaggle of geese" or a "parliament of owls". I wonder what the collective noun is for pandas?
If panda is viewed as an acronym it is "pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcus" and the collective would be " a bunch of sick kids".
If viewed as "panda" the collective noun is "group" (of stinkin' fur in some folks' opinion). Pandas are not high enough in the ranking to deserve a unique designation like "pride" or "herd".
We should probably await the judgement of the English Sergeant Major to explain why it isn't a "gaggle of goose".
Bill
The collective for pandas is pile.
As in "stinking pile of pandas, which stink."
One goose can gaggle; sure. You drink too fast, and it goes down the wrong pipe, you'd gaggle too. If you tried to giggle while you gaggled, somehow seeing the humour in it even though there weren't any, then there you go.
Ace; it's like I'm the only one who even studied Literature. Well, at least the night before the test.
Giggle, gaggle, gargle, goober, Google, what's going on here???
I don't know about anyone else, but the only place I'm seeing anything blond(e) here is in the subject line. And with all of these LinS/wive/wife-in-the-collective running around in my personal and virtual life/lives, it's a sure bet that I ain't seeing anyone who's blond(e)...
We've got Ace running around with my wife/wives (y'know, it's not easy keeping these singular and plural references straight...), talking hair color, Shakespear and other things of which I have no clue about (I'm a bonehead, remember?), with Bill and his Blackberry-carrying dogs and J-AM in hot pursuit. I shoulda known; even one of the LinS can work a room better than all of the JimS combined.
You'll never realize it here, but she's got a great "phone voice"; boy, too bad there weren't cell phones with unlimited minute plans back when we were dating...
But, I digress. In the interest of maintaining the purity of this poast, as if there ever was any, I offer the following:
A blonde asked the pet store sales clerk for help.
"I want some bird seed," she said.
The clerk asked, "For which kind of bird?"
She replied, "Whichever will grow the fastest!"
Well, if you'd guys first add the title then I suppose some of us wouldn't get confused about the theme of the dang poast.
I would also now like to apologize to the JimS for calling their wife a lady. I did not mean anything by it, and I should be more careful of my choice of words in a family forum. Although I really can't remember the last time a family cruised through here. Maybe Cars' family, when they were standing on top of the eye of the hurricane. As much as they enjoy those things, I hope they don't bring one along when they visit the Caribbean. This would be an interesting Poaster's Poll: do you say
"Care-ih-Bee-uhn"
or
"Cah-Rib-ee-uhn"?
I wasn't reading that out loud, so I didn't say either, yet.
Ace; I wonder if blondes do push-ups if someone yells "all hands on deck"?
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped to shreds.
They just keep getting better. Your source is clearly better than JimS, or he's slacking.
Bill
Well, this is more like it. Audience participation.
Bill? Ace? Anyone? BillS, AceS, AnyoneS? How about it?
And the light's always "green" if you're bipolar....
Ok, you two. Several. However many of you there are.
It's not fair to work in cahoots with each other. The rest of us here work contrary to other impetus. Not in conjunction with each other. In fact, it's often startling to see how someone else takes your poast upon themselves. So if you two are going to be combining forces, and blonde jokes, I am calling a foul.
Sort of citizen's arrest, per Cpl. Fife.
I am not going to attempt to compete with this. I am outnumbered, and it is not fair. There's only one, or less, of me, but there are a whole bunch of LinS and JimS and people who come up with something funnier.
Ace; I'd be slacking if I wasn't wearing shorts.
Bet they're blonde shorts.
B-
Fine; make fun of the handicapped. Sometimes you guys make me look like a fool.
Alright; hold it. Never mind that.
They aren't blond(e), they are "Off White."
Ace; they're not going to be white until I take them off to launder them again.
Why don't you try being self-actualizing and self-reliant? Re-form the visor portion ( I was going to say 'bill' but that would have opened too many doors) of the cap?
Bill; not a hat.
So unsew them.. Duct tape works wonders.
If you only use it at the bench, the hat with duct tape would fit right in with the decor. Most craftsman have some unique idiosyncrasies, particularly in their own shop.
Bill
That's interesting. Never seen one.
Bill
Edit a quick search revealed hundreds. Geeez.
B-
Aha- CSI daylight flashlights
"...it cannot be dropped on the nose. It will break the glass."
I've heard of a glass jaw, but a glass nose? And who would drop a flashlight on their nose, anyway? I'm trying to figure out how a nose is positioned under a falling flashlight.
This place is getting weird...
Geez, all that just to start a new page...come on.
You can't shake hands...holding an LED.
Bill; all mine are incans.
Okay, here's one that covers danged red heads and blond(e)s:
What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
An interpreter.
Yep, you caught me. I wrote a long poast by "Ramblin' Rosie" (who has the hots for me), but when I realized the author would revert back to good ole JimS when I reset my profile, it was clear that it wouldn't work. Ace has gotten away with this kind of thing in the past, but that's Ace. He's the boss, the big cheese, the numero uno, the main man of this place; he'd make sure a name and gender change wouldn't work for me. Furthermore, attempting a virtual name/gender change here would reinforce this schizophrenic thingy about me that Ace started. This poast, this site, is too important for something to not work, so into the recycle bin it went.
Here it is:
John Amazing, why, you are just AMAZING! You are SO FUNNY! I've been reading this thread, and when you said how great it would be for danged red head to join in, well, HERE I AM!
I've heard many red-head jokes in my time, but I must say, I'm not like those jokes at all. I'm a danged sweet danged Southern gal. Dangit.
I know of one joke that's just perfect for this thread:
What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
An interpreter.
I must also say, that JimS is almost as funny as you. I think LinS, his danged wife, is trouble, though. I've got a sense a about these things, and I just don't like her. I think she and that Ace character have got something going on, them and their high-falutin' words. In fact, the truth be told, I've got a thing for that JimS, all of them, for a long time. That's why I've selected his picture for my profile. If you look closely, there's some red hair there. Ohhhh, what a man/men...
Now, all of you stop hijacking poor JimS blonde thread. Don't make me have to start acting like a real red head...
Dangit. She was hot!
Criminy, I hate having to work weekends just because you guys have to use the room...
I believe the JimS give me too much credit for paying attention, or having the energy to actually "out" somebody. I'm sure you'll find I would have missed any connection, and probably lose my avatar in the process as well.
I miss the LinS; it's like a lins cap fell over the place. I haven't been verbally challenged since "blub" appeared.
Ace; if Ramblin' Rose' appears maybe Buff will offer a Merlot.
I could do that. Offer, I mean. Not sure how it would work though as the Merlot would be on the wrong side of the Atlantic. I wouldn't feel comfortable about sending it across as the bottle might break. far better for me to drink it myself. Yes. Drink it myself.
Buff; Cheers.
Yeah, J-Am, that was pretty confusing, and kind weak. That what happens when all of these JimS are fighting over the keyboard.
Ace, LinS has been busy with her parents, who are here for the weekend. She's been lurking, but has had a busy schedule this weekend, especially with me partially incapacitated with a broken toe (her fault...). I'm sure she'll poast at some point today or tomorrow. I have to say, I don't think she's ever laughed as much as she has this past week since she joined. I shudder to think of what we've created...
Welcome back, Buff. I don't know if Ramblin' Rosie will stop by, but Linda's never turned down a good Merlot. If you haven't already finished the bottle yourself...
Eh?
What bottle?
Well, geez criminy, I hope you're not buying the stuff by the box. That is just gross... I mean, what's next? A can of Cabernet?
I guess one could ship wine overseas in a bag... Either a wine bag, or a ziplock one.
ace; make sure it's well zipped, first.
A can of Cabernet, a mug o' merlot,
Throw back a few, JimS
You'll forget about your toe.
Talk about wine/whining..
Ace, isn't a lins cap what I wear on my head to prevent me from getting blonde highlights?
LinS; It's great to be back.
It's good to see you're back. ;D
A can of Cabernet doesn't sound too bad. Certainly seems more suited to trans-Atlantic transport anyway. A barrel would be good too.
No Merlot tonight as the bogof offer has expired at the local supermarket. Went with some very reasonably priced San Miguel instead. That came in bottles, inside a box.
Buff; Fava beans and a nice Chianti.....
I had a Pinot G. Chardonnay. It's sorta a typical Cat P. Chardonnay with a sweeter highlight.
I could do a keg, if not a barrel, I suppose. And Welcome Back LinsS. You can wear any headgear you want, here. Although I've got dibs on the jingly bell Jester cap. Nike, of course.
Ace; good news... I don't get "hat hair" any more.
Our guys suffered from "car seat hair" when they were babies. The JimS used to get "helmet hair". And I just seem to have "expensive hair".
Ace, I wouldn't dream of stepping on your jester toes, er, hat. I'll have to come up with my own signature fashion accessory. Maybe dancin' shoes.
LinS; Buffalo, do me a fava and pass the chianti.
Sorry, s'gone.
You've got to be quicker than that.
Buff; I've bean and drunk it.
Gee, who would I like to have for dinner... besides Angelina J.
And get your filthy minds off that cat photo, you miscreants. Nobody wants my liver, let alone me.
LinS, if you get shoes, I'd advise against the curled-up toes ones. It's not that easy to pirrouhette. And, no, I am not even going to attempt to look up the correct spelling of pirouhette.
Ace; I'd spin a bottle, if I was sure not to spill it.
If you're going to exchange quips with a lady, the least you could do is not misspell things.
It's "pirouette", geez. Next you'll be suggesting that Angelina would look great in a tutu. Geez, she's history. Try Sofia Milos.
Time to arabesque to a different fantasy.
Bill; or Cat Woman?
Bill, as I told Ace, that's no lady, that's my wife...
That may be, but LinS is a collection of pretty sharp knives in the tool box.
"Do me a Fava" was laugh out loud funny.
Ace seems to on sabatical. Maybe he was attacked by a herd of pandas, or SQUIRRELS! That's what you get for feeding them. Give'em an inch...next they'll be crawling up the legs of the faux Scandinavian desk, wantin' to play Half-Life.
Bill; bet she's not blonde.
Yup, I gotta admit, Bill, she's pretty smart. And smartly pretty. Prettily smart. Smartily prettily. That, too.
She always enjoyed plays on words, and is quite good with them. In fact, the first book she bought me, back when we were dating, was Get Thee to a Punnery. For the blondes out there, it's all about puns.
I've been telling her for quite a while that she'd enjoy the banter of Ace and the rest of you characters.
Just so we keep everything in perspective, I have a suggested avatar for LinS:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/foxybill/hammer.jpg)
The Toe Breaker
Bill: I'd keep my shoes on.
So, this is going to be a banter day in the chatroom. Swell.
Criminy, you guys should mellow out over typoes and mispellings... I don't know why you get so excited and bent out of shape and warped and all hunched over dragging your foot
well, let's just say "excited" about a simple mistake. I said I had no intention of looking up "pirouette" and I meant it. I doubt I'll ever use the word again in polite company, let alone here, so I don't see any reason to study for a test I won't be taking.
Maybe it was YOUR mistake.. maybe you MISREAD what I poasted, and you thought it was pirouette but actually it was a completely different word! Yeah. Like "petard" or "piranha" or "parrot."
I am now going to practice parroting on my curly-toed shoes.
Ace; I shoulda gone with "prancing"
Yeah, that's the ticket. We misread....
It took me a while to figure out you were just waiting for someone to look up the proper spelling of "pirouette" for you and then you could simply copy and paste.
So I guess I served your purpose, but you should learn how to use the dictionary on your own. It's a valuable skill.
Bill
Hey Bill,
Speaking of dictionaries, when you get a chance, take a gander at the "S" section and look up the word "sabbatical". (I wasn't going to perpetuate the typo/mispelling line of banter, but I proofread my way through college and I just couldn't help myself...)
LinS; What's good for the goose, is good for a gander...
Well, obviously Ace let it slide, but I can see you're a goose of a different feather.
Hey, keyboardos happens.
Oh.
And Hey LinS. Just in passing, it should have been "myself....)" , signifying the end of the sentence. But I'm not picky.
Bill; Nice to have you checking up on Ace. Someone must.
...and in steps JimS, gallantly defending his wife/wives...
Bill, I'd say proper punctuation would be "myself...)."
Ace, c'mon, wake up, dangit. What's correct?
Anything to continue the discussion!
I think LinS is very capable of depfending themselvesf, gallantry aside for the moment.
Bill: yeah, com'on Ace.
(I couldn't help myself)...
There.
Glad to be of service. Ace is proof that mistakes happen. Frequently. Eventually you learn not to rub a leper the wrong way.
Ace: you can't hitchhike if you don't have opposable thumbs.
(I couldn't help myself).... 4 periods, I think. 3 indicating continuation and the 4th as the ending.
Just a typo. Right Ace?
B-
Sounds like it's time for a blonde joke:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Ferry Porsche just rolled over...
Ace; at least somebody else around here is called "Ferry."
I think "Ferry" is Ace's nickname for Ferdinand.
Right, Aceio? No one's called you that since Joannie...
You got it; Ferry Porsche. Of the famous Porsches. As opposed to Porches.
http://www.germanembassy-india.org/news/98may/gn07a.htm
You're right about the Aceio thing... I always thought that would have been a good name for an F1 driver. I think I called her "Joanie" as a result.
Ace; man, we could use a cheerleader around here. Especially a blonde one.
Who?
Ace; oh, yeah...
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" reached the final plateau. His next question was worth a million dollars. As he suspected, the question was no pushover. "Of the following species of birds, which does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? A) condor; B) buzzard; C) cuckoo; or D) vulture?"
He didn't know. He had used his other lifelines; now all he had left was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. But the only friend whom he knew would be home was a blonde. But he had no choice. He called Jenny, read her the question and the four answers, and she instantly responded, "Oh, that's easy - the cuckoo." Although he wasn't that confident in Jenny, her response was so quick and confident that he was persuaded. Crossing his fingers, he said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that's my final answer." Regis replied, "Absolutely correct! You're a millionaire!"
The next weekend, he hosted a party for his friends and family and his guest of honor was Jenny, the blonde who helped him win. "Jenny, because you knew the answer, I won that million dollars. How did you know that?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"
A young blond university gal was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other gal in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a Ford. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Taurus. It was wonderful, and she fell in love with its gorgeous blue paintjob.
An empty check stub later and off she was, tearing down the leafy country lanes, enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blond hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her cell phone with her, and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
?Well, I?m afraid it just conked out."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"
And tonight, the Juneteenth Award goes to Jim(S) for his latest bout of poasting mayhem,
He Went Where No Man(s) Has Ever Gone Before
Criminy, guy. You should be shot. By a gun without bullets.
Ace; I hope what he has isn't contagious.
Oh my. Now JimS went and did it. Another one of the JimS will bite the dust.
Since Buff chose not to step up to the last challenge, maybe we should appoint the JimS as the Official Poaster of Risque Ramblings, eh?
Bill; what Ace said.
Well, yeah. The good thing is, since there's a bunch of him, he could lose one to be banned and still be ok.
I was just surprised the blonde spelled BMW correctly.
Ace; I'll tell ya, there's a couple people here who live in cuckoo clocks.
Shot? JimS? Geez, I tell ya, it's rough, I get no respect...
For the record, I have absolutely no problem with keeping the standards of this forum high. Why Ace is allowed here, I don't know, but that's for another day. I thought a particular word in that poast might be bleeped, but since I couldn't think of anything tamer, I just let it fly. It doesn't seem to have hit the fan, though. Yet.
On this note, I think LinS should get some form of acknowledgement for probably being the first person who's both educated and mature to get something bleeped in her first thread. She already has one star; I've gotta keep my hard-earned ones locked away. Shoulda put them into the pre-nupt...
I thought that joke was pretty good, by the way. It even referenced a Taurus. Since when did this become such a tough room to work?
You shoulda noticed when they put the chicken wire up around the bandstand...
Heh. That was to keep Buff off the stage. Ouch.
My wife is a Taurus, and I drive one, so there you go. No, I don't drive my wife. Well, nuts, but she's used to that. As far as my being aloud, go figure.
Scuzzy said "crap" earlier, so I figure it's perfectly acceptable for usage, especially if you're describing radishes as a food source. Or eggs on the grill.
Ace; I'm glad there's still some JimS left, to spread the joy of the holiday season.
Part of the fun is cross-poasting, which always allows one to say:
See the other poast for an earned acknowledgement
Bill; "make work" for the Jester.
Sorry, folks, Linda and I have been danged busy. It's her danged fault, though. Always is. Always. She'll disagree, but the key is to let her think that it's my danged fault, even though we all know it's her danged fault, right?
Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.
What was the blonde doing in the desert?
Vacuuming up the dirt.
Two blondes were building a house. One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren?t defective, they are for the other side of the house."
What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A visitor.
What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear.
A wind tunnel.
What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill, honey.
I am so proud of the JimS picking up where they left off and crafting some new jokes of which about 3 were ones we haven't seen 10 or 20 times before and blaming their wives for their lack of motivation and poor work ethic. I'd say finding fault with one's wife is a deserved and honoured, albeit short-lived, mission.
I am glad to see the re-run about the nails, because I did forget just how that one went and so couldn't think how to steal it and retell it as my own.
Ace; I wonder if missing blondes have their photos on cans of hairspray.
We have been busy it seems; my parents just left, his Mom is arriving, with nary a few days in between. Had the soccer team over for an end of year party...you don't want to know what the lawn looks like. Oh, and JimS got even for the broken foot digit today...I was helping him hammer a stake in the yard, and he slipped and hammered my hand. Hurt like H-E-Double Toothpicks. I gave him a hammer toe, he gave me a hammer hand. I'm running away to Tahiti.
LinS; Hand over those plane tickets.
We could call you "The Sharks" because it seems you're a couple of Hammerheads. I guess you guys oughta just leave the vampire alone, huh.
Take a photo of the yard and poast it; I wanna see what it looks like. It can't be worse than Buff's floor.
I'd hate to run to Tahiti. I'm sure not that good a swimmer. They probably have a lot of our industry there, since it seems all the factories are now on the Pacific rim.
Ace; I wonder if there are blonde Tahitians.
I wonder if there are blond(e) poasters?
Given your amazing (not JA) accomplishments, you could probably walk.
Bill
I guess you told LinS, huh.
Hold it; were you talking to me? Criminy, your antecedents are all over the place. It's like an accident where none was hurt, reading your poasts today.
Ace; although he spelled "JA" correctly.
No on else seems to have commented having any difficulty with my antecedents.
Wonder why that is, huh?
Hey, it's Monday; antecedent day.
Bill; except now it's "ja"
I think it's just because I'm so much more perceptive than other poasters. That's what I think.
Fine; it's ja. Nein. Whatever.
Ace; yesterday is the antecedent for tomorrow.
Geez, what a tough room to work...
Please, someone, anyone, set an antecedent precedent here, so there are no more accidental antecendents.
Alright; you're right. We should do that. That's an excellent idea.
'He added to his poast, since she wouldn't elaborate on hers..."
There. That oughta do the trick.
ace; that's what they thought. None was injured.
Well thanks, but I didn't see any reference to "ja" in the example though.
And if you were talking about JimS, why didn't you just say so?
Bill
I wasn't talking about JimS since it was singular and thus the "none was" reference. Like Was/Not Was.
So.
Ace; tell me it's a tough room.. you should try to clean it, after.
Geez, was JimS in another accident? I must have missed that.
"So."? South what? What does South have to do with anything? I just don't understand your logic, or lack of it. How did Whiz get into this? Crikey. Com' on, we were talking about Mondays, but now it's Wednesday, old news.
Bill
It's not Wednesday. Criminy.
Ace: So. Prk.
Well, yes. I have difficulty keeping up with the calendar. Glad I'm not in the UK, or worse yet, Singpore where it's completely different.
I don't think So Prk was the name of the new, artificial panda's mother. Better check that.
Bill; at least I keep the facts straight.
I keep the opinions bent.
There is no "mother" of a panda, unless you want to name a testube. Testtube. Geez Louise, another word I'm lost in.
What the heck is "Singpore"? A song in a steambath? An abbreviation of someplace in Tiland? A critique from Simon on William Hung during American Idol?
Ac; I'm avoiding mass transportation.
It's one of those countries out near Chiner.
Bill
Today's blond joke, brought to you from St. Andrews:
Colin Montgomerie.
Nothing against Scots, but I want Tiger to win...
Ace; swoosh.
Aye laddie, ye got yer wish. Just wait 'til next year.
McDuffer
Man, Tiger rules the Olde Course. He owns St. Andrews.
Ace; no, really, he bought it.
True story here. It would be more funny (to me, at least) if she didn't live next door.
My neighbor's property is quite a bit higher than mine. They recently made significant changes, including adding a large circular driveway that slopes down towards my property. After the first heavy rain this summer, we had a large puddle in our backyard, the clear result of the rainwater running off of their driveway unimpeded into my backyard. A few days later, I spoke with uhhh, let's call her Mrs. Blonde, which she is. I explained the situation to her, and she looked straight back at me and said, "That's funny, we didn't have any problems."
After I picked my jaw up from the ground, I was going to explain something called gravity to her, and what effect gravity has on water, but I decided it best to just talk to Mr. Blonde, which he also is, although he's far more grounded and logical than the Mrs.
Where's JohnAmazing been? Where is he now?
I can appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Ace; good question.
Kinda suprised she didn't offer to put out buckets.
Bill
As I like to say, "They walk amongst us...".
A man asked the blonde sitting beside him on the bus, "Would you please close the window? It's cold outside."
The blonde looked puzzled. "How will that make it warmer outside?"
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
I applaud your joke.
A
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Let me get a cushion for you?????..
Ok, one more.
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, and the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking around, when he turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that reads "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Well, who the heck is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me and ask, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting'."
Outstanding!
New, fresh material from the guy that recycles cases.
Geez, was that a poast by ja?
Bill
Boy, it's great when someone else pitches in here. Good job, Pat, thanks.
Good to hear from you, JA.
That joke wasn't the Sam Ting.
"Hans Olf. Laundry" heh. I get it.
Ok; everybody do 10 more.
Ace; I'll be waiting.
Hey, long time-no poast...
I'm still having some problems with my computer; my wireless network connection no longer works, my USB ports run at 1.1 instead of 2.0, there's no sound, and my CDR-DVD drive doesn't work. No wireless means that to connect, I have to run a network cable across the kitchen floor, and no CDR-DVD drive means my AV/firewall hasn't been updated since July. No updated AV-firewall means I'm leary of googling more more jokes with an essentially unprotected computer; remeber, I plagiarize EVERYTHING. Lin's been pretty busy covering other co-workers during end-of-summer vacations and getting our two boys ready for school. I've also been orienting two new employees at work, so, sorry, but our plates have been full.
Why the he** am I making excuses and apologizing for her??? See how well-trained she's gotten me?
Anyway, I'll try to get my act together and get this thing fixed. In the meantime, he's one:
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Okay, kinda weak. Maybe these are better:
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over a Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.?
Nail polish!
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch as much as they can that goes over their heads.
Later...
Well, the light's always green when you're bipolar, too.
Thanks for your contributions, you Jims. I appreciate all your whining and excuse making for the great "hardship" you have attempting computer commerce. Just realize that me sitting down to one is far harder than anything anyone else here is ever going to run into. Actually, I have run into it, too. This stupid faux Scandinavian desk has some pretty dang real sharp edges.
Tell Lins that instead of covering for workers, and instead of you wasting time orienting them, you should both just take them out back and yell at them to the point of shaking and trembling and cigarrette smoking.
No; them, not you. Criminy.
We had a student plagiarize EVERYTHING. The Turnitin report showed 100% copying; the idiot stole an article that had names CAPITALIZED in weird ways, like ISRAEL and PALEsTINEdangit and didn't even bother to change those... Plus, he put the paragraph titles INTO the text so it really looked stupid. I mean, you're really lazy when you can't even expend the energy to cheat well.
Ace; I've never cheated. I earned every dang "F" I ever got.
Quote from: Ace on July 14, 2005, 21:33 hrs
I keep the opinions bent.
There is no "mother" of a panda, unless you want to name a testube. Testtube. Geez Louise, another word I'm lost in.
What the heck is "Singpore"? A song in a steambath? An abbreviation of someplace in Tiland? A critique from Simon on William Hung during American Idol?
Ac; I'm avoiding mass transportation.
testtube is spelt test tube
That has to be the slowest spell-check I've ever used... July 14 to Sept. 11.
Ace; "spelt" is spelled "spelled."
And where the heck is PALENSTINE? Or is it a silent "N"?
Buff; Hi
Hi. What's your point? It's a dang never-never land. Whattya think.
Look, I know you guys are like 6 hours ahead, and have nothing better to do than check the spelling in the Colonies... Just because you think it's "cool" to add extra "u"'s to words, like "humour" and "colour" and "liquor"....
Yes, if you must know, the "N" is silent. Like in silent "N"ight.
Ace; a'ight. We've got the dang eagle but they've got the eyes. Shoot.
Hey, I don't think it's "cool" to add letters to words. I would much rather have less letters in all of them. Much less effort when writing and saves on ink. Trouble is, we would just end up with the dreaded "txt spk", which I hate.
Besides, we didn't add the letters, you guys dropped them. It is English, after all.
Buff; The eyes have it.
Well, of course we dropped uneccessary letters. Unecesary letters. Leters. We're Americans, dangit. We're busy people. We've got lots to do, and we're gonna do it. That's what we do. Do stuff. Being American. Like I said.
Criminy, we finally just decided to go with U.S.A. Saves time and typing. Or even better, U.S. And most of the time we don't even speak English. We speak American. It's like English, but without the attention to grammar and spelling and time consuming stuff like that. Being busy (see above).
And I'm not the one who created the state of Palenstine so don't blame me how things are going there. Unless it's named for Marty Palin, then it'd be worth watching.
Look, the stupid poast is about to be about blonds/blondes and it's about time somebody said something about them. I wouldn't be surprised if Americans invented blondes, since the world's greatest ones were/are American. Only Americans could create the world's best dum
Hmm. Hold on a minute... Anyway, we were talking about language, and I rest my case.
Ace; I shoulda majored in U.S. instead of English; probably coulda graduated even earlier.
Ifyouleaveoutpunctuationandspacesitsavesevenmoretime
MakesreadingabitmoredifficultbutAmericansdontreadverymuchanyway
WhattheheckitsthewaymanyofustalkintheUS
Only you guys in Jersey talk like that.
Sorry; "only youse guys in Joisey talk like dat."
Ok; I've got to go. I'm busy. Dang busy American. Hold it; US. USer. That's what we are: U-S-e-r-s.
Ace; that'll save some time.
Quote from: Ace on September 11, 2005, 16:24 hrs
That has to be the slowest spell-check I've ever used... July 14 to Sept. 11.
Ace; "spelt" is spelled "spelled."
ah you spotted the diliberate mistake...
no seriously im awful at spelling but i know test tube because i did both chemistry and biology. kinda fundimental in those areas.... ;D
Well, if we have to compete on scientific terms you'd win.
The problem with obvious mistakes is that they're always obvious to everyone else...
Maybe "spelt" is ok. I mean, you could say "He smelt the fish" and it would make sense. I wonder if Lins can sniff that one out.
Next time I write "test tube" I'll be sure to get it right.
Oh, who am I kidding... no I won't. I never remember now to spell the words I can't. I could sit here and try recommend and necessary and a bunch of others and miss half of them at least half the time.
I'm not even blond, unless we're going by the color of socks.
And I think it's great you're here; be sure to pay special attention to every single poast by Bill and point out anything you suspect might be mispelled or incorrect in any way... I know he really appreciates criticism, and is very thankful we take the time to critique his entries.
ace; I'm sure that was appreciated.
Thanks very much, I needed that. And. BTW, you mispeilled closet.
Where... no I didn't. I mispelled "closest" as in "I just came out of, closest."
In proximity to. And beyond.
You, however, mispelled "BLT."
Ace; I wonder who test tube babies send the Mother's Day card to...
Dow-Corning or Becton Dickinson. Who else?
I hate it when there's a new, short poast that starts a fresh page and I can't remember what led up to it and I go "huh?"
Huh.
Geez Louise, this poast has become the Mr. Science Poast it seems. All this talk about test tubes, and how to spell them. I like Science ok, but not like I understand it. I mean, I could be looking down a wormhole right now and probably wouldn't get it, you know?
Sure, I can comprehend a star collapsing into a pile of infinite mass, but the only ones of those I've ever personally experienced would be some church services that seemed like they'd never end.
And I don't want to get into math, or story problems either. Those aren't my glass of tea either.
Maybe some jokes; as long as I get them. I don't mean "understand" them, I mean get them, to use, after. Working in an institution of higher learning I'm not about to plagiarize... By golly I'll steal, though. Outright. Even the dang punctuation, if I have to. It's a lot easier than me making them up myself.
Ace; a lot more entertaining, too.
Two tourists, driving through Wisconsin, entered Oconomowoc and started to argue about its pronunciation. Since it was lunch time, they stopped for fast food. Standing at the counter, they asked the employee, "Before we order, would you settle an argument for us, please? Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Bur... grr... King!"
That's fine, but I still don't know how you say Oconomowowoc. Dangit.
"Study....". It was sorta like that one, huh. Good one JimS; keep them coming.
Ace; I think Kirstie Alley was a star who collapsed into infinite mass.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks blonde salesperson Ace, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
Ace answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?"
Ace annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends.
Hey, Bubba, good to hear from you!
Here's a true story. Only the hair color has been changed to protect the innocent...
I know someone who works in a thrift shop. They had an old AM radio for sale. An elderly blonde woman came in and asked about it. She was told that it works, but that it only plays AM. The elderly blonde woman said, "Hmmm, this won't work. Sometimes I like to listen to the radio in the afternoon, too."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cannot figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...", he sighed................,
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Good job, JA. I'd seen this one before and thought I'd already poasted it. Thanks for the save.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works
on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and said that her body hurt
wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her
left breast and screamed, then she pushed her
elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed
her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed
her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger
is broken
"
(I added that, to finish off your quote)
Ok; a priest and a congressman and a congressional page go into a Men's room and
Hmm. Never mind. I think I'll just go back to reading these.
Ace; good finger one; I'm using that this weekend. I've already tried the food court one, awhile back.
Well, there's no denying it, the joke poasts are always the longest. Yep, even longer than the food poasts! :o So, following the old adage of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em", here goes:
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Sam; let's see how long this one can go :D
OK.
How many blonde poasters does it take to eat an opossum?
Two, one to eat it and one to hold the flashlight and watch for oncoming cars.
Well, golly-gee, this thing still has legs...
Ok; I'll try that one.
A long-legged blonde walks into a deli, and says she wants to buy something for lunch for her husband... So the deli owner asks what she wants to get, and she replies "Well, you'd have to ask him. He makes his own lunch."
Ok. Alright, maybe that wasn't one. Dangit, I'm ok at reading these and stealing them, but I'm no dang good at doing them.
Ace; shoot, and I made the dang thing longer, without adding to it... criminy.
Not bad, you did fine, Ace.
Well, you could give me a little more to work with, you know... Your dang signature had more to it than the basics of that joke.
Maybe have one where a long-legged blonde keeps walking past this guy sitting on a park bench, and he finally asks "Hey, lady... what's the deal? You've walked past here about 50 times now. Can I help you? Are you lost?" and she says
"No, but I sure am going to tell those JimS a thing or two... they said you never pass this way again, and I sure proved them wrong."
Something along those lines. Maybe make it funny, then, too.
Ace; we need more straight men, here.
I swear this is an absolutely true story -
Many years ago when I was a young lad, I and a fried went to the 'ol Piggly Wiggly in downstate Ill in my friends home town. We were on one of those missions your wife/girlfriend sends you on that we men all dread. Going to the store to pick up "those items".
Anyway, upon careful selection out of site of anyone, we take the box up to the cashier in an attempt to check out. In the days before Optical Scanners the checkers actually had to actually read the price labels or memorize the prices (aging myself here). Anyway, I don't recall if the price sticker was missing or just not readable, but Ralph, as I like to call him now, pulled the microphone cord down and spoke loudly over the intercom "Ethel, I need a price check on Tampons, pack of twentyfour."
Of course the 200 people now standing in line in the checkout behind us all had a nice chuckle. But that's not the funny part.......
A few minutes later over the intercom we hear Ethel (obvioulsy blonde and hence the relationship to this thread), who obviously mistook "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks", respond..............
"Are those the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you hit in with a hammer?"
I was in my own kind of h#*& that day. The whole store roared in laughter. Ralph eventually was laughing so hard he couldn't check us out and just let us leave with our "contraband" - no charge. As we're leaving we hear Ralph attempting to say over the intercom - "Ethel, never mind."
THNX
BRAD
Well, ok, but which kind were they...?
Ace; geez, I wish he'd finish his joke.
Quote from: JimS on August 02, 2004, 21:07 hrs
AT LAST, A REAL MALE BLONDE JOKE
There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
heh!!!never read this joke!!!!it's really funny!!!! LOL!!
Two blonds went duck hunting with their dogs but without success. "I know what we're doing wrong," said the first one. "What's that then?" asked the second. "We're not throwing the dogs high enough!"
Man, are you on a duck roll. Pressed, I guess.
And having the hunters be guys was nice change, since usually we pick on blonde women. I think we should strive for equal time, in the forum, for all causes and depths of perception.
I must exclaim, I don't have a joke to offer... I don't know how to adjust Pat's, unless one of the dogs is blond(e), or a white duck flies over. Even then, I have no idea why that would be significant. Maybe the dog could goose the duck; that'd spread things out.
Ace; I wonder how they choose who was first, and who was second.
Hey, you know who has the best Pressed Duck don?t you? No?
It?s the Happy House over on the border, not sure what they call that road now, could be Business 31 or 939 or maybe they went back to Dixieway Highway, hard to keep up with that one.
It seems that place has been there forever, I?ve been going there since high school. It?s charming inside, with a sort-of-run-down-modern-look, and the owners are nice folks too.
Anyway, I always get the Pressed Duck with fried Cantonese style noodles. It?s rather tasty.
I once did seasonal deliveries for UPS on that strip of 31N. Actually, when home from college, I applied for a job at Happy House. I remember walking in and saying I wanted to apply, and them staring at me. And saying the position was filled.
How horribly unfair. Sensible, yet unfair.
Ace; I'm so lazy I don't even do stir fry; I just do fry.
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "DANG, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Thanks Chandler: I got it.
Ace; and used it already.
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Thanks Pat. Took it, went with it, told. Botched up which one was Blonde, but I'll get it right next time. It just takes practice.
Ok. You, Chandler, JimS, Magic Sam, let's see some more. I need material for the holidays.
Ace; c'mon. Keep them coming. Hurry up.
Phew, for a while there I didn't think you guys got that one.
Anyway;
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds of looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing!"
These are great, Pat!
Ace, I'll try to come up with some, but I'm still working on "comfortable...".
Hey, Pat, wait a danged minute here...
I really liked the last joke about the blonde police officer, but it sounded familiar. I then realized that this is the joke I started this thread with, back in August 2004.
Uh-uh. No way. 28 months isn't long enough to begin recycling jokes in the same thread. Nice try...
Ace, since you're the big cheese here, what's the punishment for this transgression? I'll put in a small vote for mercy, since Pat has come up with some good ones, but we just can't stand by and let this sort of thing happen here.
No, I can't stand by. I'm sitting down.
Talk about poast padding... that is so lame. It'd be like me going back years and pulling some stupid poast and trying it again
hmm.
Ok, otherwise, I think it's unconscionable shoot I have no chance spelling that.. ok, lousy dirty trick. I'd say take his dang margaritas from him, but he doesn't get those anyway so that's no good.
Alright; let's do this. Let's make him poast a NEW dang blonde joke. Wait; TWO dang new fresh non-pilfered blonde jokes. 3 would be even more in order.
Ace; as a start.
Well for crying out loud, I can?t even remember what I had for dinner last night let alone a joke from10 pages back and 2+ years ago.
Man, what a tough crowd.
Ok, I?ll be a stand up guy and do my penance with the 3 jokes, but it may be a while. I?m going to read this whole dang poast so I don?t repoast a poast that was already poasted.
Well, that's just more of the same laziness and suspect moral character that we've come to expect.
Here you are, in a poast about blondes, and not even offering a dang blond joke. Instead, you're here whining about "how hard it is not to steal someone's joke and act like it's my own" and "geez, I'd have to actually read these and remember not to tell one, again" and "you promised me a margarita I've never gotten one" and "I'll poast 3 jokes, but not yet" and wah wah wah.
Criminy, you want some wine with that cheese? Enough of your complaining. Poast some dang jokes already. Yes, we have all day to wait, but that doesn't mean we should have to.
ACe; lazy so and so.
Sure, I?ll have a little wine, send me a bottle from this fine collection. (http://www.bumwine.com/)
Here?s your darn jokes and don?t blame me if there?s a repoast. You know it takes a long time to pilfer a good blonde joke and if I happen to offer one up that?s been here already for a while before this then just go take a good look in the mirror and point the blame at that guy.
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Pat, that was great, I mean really. Way to produce under pressure. A wonderful effort. It really was.
But Geez criminy, you're not getting paid by the word, here. My gosh, I thought that last one would never end or get to a punchline. I mean, it was ok. Cute. But that was a lot of verbiage to wade through.
See if you can put up some good short ones. Like that first one, and the other one that wasn't so goshawful long. I just don't have the patience anymore to read something that takes that long. If it doesn't get where it's going in a screen or two, I just lose concentration.
Thanks. Appreciate it. You just keep cranking them out, watch the word count, and this will work great.. You're doing fine; nice job. A little shorter, that's all. And the double spacing sorta makes it longer.. maybe if you went with just single, or 1 1/2 space. I mean, otherwise it's just poast padding, isn't it...
Great. Looking forward to it... Thanks again.
Ace; I don't have all dang day, here.
Hey, I?m glad it?s working out. I?m happy to be able to plagiarize and paste, umm poast a good joke now and again, I?ll try and keep them short so as not to keep anyone waiting or wanting.
Here?s a little something for the holiday.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a
moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's Christmas Eve and starting to rain snow and the top is down.?
Geez, everyone?s a critic.
;)
1st blonde joke of 2007, not the best one, but the 1st one.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Good one. If I recall, only 2 or 3 more to go.
Bill
Ok, check out the winning bid on this one.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=140035348944
JA,
you gonna hafta ask Ace about that.
B; gon' sothern.
I hate ebay... dangit, they revoked my registration...
Judas Criminy, JimS; you guys show up in a dang Blond Poast and don't even poast a dang blonde joke. All you do is complain about eBay. You probably weren't even revoked by eBay, but instead some bogus eBay link scam thing designed to trick you into thinking you were eBaying so you could sign over your PayPal account and first born. I don't have a first born, so I'm not at risk. What a lazy so and so thing. That's like pat only contributing two jokes or so at a time.
Anyway, I'd tell everyone what Bill meant except now it's a page back and I'm too lazy to look and I can't find anything here anyway.
Ace; I'm gonna get lost now.
You mean my registration wasn't revoked? It was only a scam? Boy, do I feel better now.
Okay, here's one:
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Hey, that was a good one Jim. I still not sure anyone got the ebay joke.
I'll just stay with the easy ones from now on.
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"
OK - now you've gone and done it. You've really ticked me off................ And when I get mad - I well, I do something and when I figure out exactly what that is - well, you'll be at least the third or fourth to know. But there are a world of blond jokes out there and not all of them are in politics (drum-slap) ................ In fact there are a world of Blondie jokes out there too - and not all of them relate to her second album .........
Like -
1) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - OK, wait they get better......
2) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10, One to hold the light bulb and nine to spin the ladder.
3) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. They hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
4) Four wasn't very good so I decided not to bother typing that one.
5) I walked up to a group of 17 blondes milling around in front of a bar looking despondent the other day. I asked them why they looked so glum. And after looking up glum in a dictionary, one of them responded, "Well the sign says must be 18 or over to enter." (give that one a minunte - no just a nother second - there you go).
6) And I'm sure you heard the one about the blond that was fired from her factory job for throwing away all the faulty M&Ms because they had W's on them instead.
7) Or the other blond who was fired from her painting job because after putting two coats of paint on the porch out back - she proudly announced that she was done but that it wasn't a Porsch it was a BMW?
"I tell ya' I got a million of 'em".
THNX
BRAD
Quote from: JA on January 07, 2007, 07:14 hrs
Who ticked you off, and why, THNX BRAD?
(Scuzzy, this one jumped to preview once, then never again.)
Maybe Brad is a blond guy??? ;D
Mark H
JA did with his "see what happens when you run out of Blond Jokes" comment. You can NEVER run out of blond jokes, I've run out of green jokes before, those are limited, but never blond ones. And yes - I am a little sensitive (snif) :'( - ;).....
And no, I'm not blond, well, not really, well at least not mostly, just a few streaks - but it was a cleaning accident I swear!
THNX
BRAD
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her
and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the
door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,
the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after
she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in West Virginia and
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Quote from: JA on January 09, 2007, 18:49 hrs
Mark, that was clearly an original. Somebody made up, originally.
I can't claim credit, but the true author is unknown to me. It was sent by an email friend of mine and they did not know where it originated.
Mark H
Here is one I just made up.
One day a blond watched her husband work on the car. She just knew that it had to be broke or he wouldn't try to fix it. When he took a break to go into the garage for a part, she decided to be nice to him by taking it to a mechanic. She thought that taking it to a mechanic to "fix" would save him time and allow them to spend time cuddling. When the car broke down on the way to the mechanic, she walked back home. When her husband ranted about the car, she said that she thought he was stupid for trying to fix something by himself that was so damaged mechanically. He then informed her that he was changing the oil and it is now broke, because she drove it after he drained the oil when he was getting an oil filter from the garage.
Now I can claim I am an author of a blond joke.
Mark H
That is a good one JA!
Mark H
Your blonds were too smart in the last one, it can't be a true blond joke. ::) At least that is my opinion, which would not be shared by a blond since they wouldn't know smart from dumb. ;D Stale joke I know, but I couldn't resist.
Mark H
JimS; come back. Please. Make it stop. Please.
Or Pat; come back with 3 or 5 new ones. please
Ace; why have you forsaken us...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other,
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" The blonde
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic got
a piece of paper and a pen and asked the blonde to draw what the piece
looked like. The blonde drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710. The mechanic then took the
blonde over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a
710
on this car?" The blonde pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
http://tinyurl.com/y66cde
Bill; oldie but goodie.
I'm here, been lurking, but my brain's bandwidth has been pretty taxed recently.
Make it stop... My brother always says that whenever his wife starts complaining, which means he's saying it pretty much all of the time. Pretty funny.
I'll try to come up with a few this weekend, and maybe I can break Linda loose for something original from her.
Now Johnny, dangit, THAT was funny. So was the 710 joke by Bill, although I agree you sorta need a visual on that.
I don't know if JimS means he really has his wife in bondage, or if he's saying his wife is a loose woman, soon, or he's finally got the bail together, or he's going down to the cellar to check on her in a day or so, or what. Whichever, I hope she can contribute. Tell her "if you don't help poast some jokes, others will and people could die." That should inspire her.
Dumbing some of these down is like trying to dumb down a panda... I mean, hellooo, it's already there, you know?
I hope they don't tax bandwith, although with dial up I'll at least get off cheap.
There's probably more that could be said about loose women, and getting off cheap, but not by me.
Ace; A guy asks "How do you dumb down a blonde?" and his friend says "I don't know.. how?" and he says "Make her a jester."
heh. Now that's funny, too.
Ok, I don't know why you're picking on guys, but the blond(e)s washing their hair joke was top rate, too. And the mattress one was awright, although I'd probably edit it so it stays within my memory span.
Spiders that make you stutter would be scary. Sorry: sccarrrryyyy. Not like Scorpions On A Plane, huh.
What the heck is the "Poaster's Creed" anyway?! "When you have nothing to say, Say it Anyway"?
I could live by that.
Why there was a spider in your coffee I wouldn't know, but that just weirds me out. I hate spiders, and the thought of one hitting my lip or foot is just gross. I once had a silverfish in my cup at work and I hurled it and epithets. My boss looked at me like I lost my mind.
Ace; not that that was unusual, per se.
Okay, here's one:
A blonde was taking the behind-the-wheel portion of her driver's exam and handled most maneuvers well, but she had trouble parallel parking and ended up about a foot from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" asked her examiner.
She unbuckled her seat belt, slid across the seat, cuddled up to him, and asked, "Okay. Now what?"
And another:
Two blondes walk into a bar.... You'd think they would have seen it first.
Once more:
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted three miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted five miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde four miles. The boss told her not to worry, because she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted six miles, the brunette five miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well?" She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
Back to work. I'll try for more later. Linda's in loose bondage in the cellar, by the way.
Those are all great; thanks J and Js. Hold on a minute while I write them down. It'll take awhile.
Ace; dang pad is in the other room.
I used that one, Ja. Worked great. Thanks. I like the ones that are easy to remember since
well, just because. Hopefully, Murphy will soon lock in mortal combat with his snow blower and I'll be able to watch and chortle or guffaw gleefully. His mower nearly killed him last summer as he yanked its chain for a half hour before resorting to putting gas in it, so with the drop in temperature I'm thinking a similar struggle with a blower could turn lethal. That, or he decides to ride the motorcycle and either impales himself with the garage door or comes flying out in the street and crashes into my yard.
Wait; make that George's yard or Manny's yard. I don't want him tearing up my yard.
If he was Murphy Blond instead of Murphy Brown I could use him as a joke. Hold it; I think I just did.
Ace; I do have to get some new shoes.
That deserves a round of applause!
Bill
That always confuses me, when you come across a solitary poast on its own page and it refers to a previous poast on a previous page and you wonder "what the heck is he talking about?" Always.
Ok, I've got one hand clapping but I'm not about to prance down any ice encrusted snowy Michiana streets. I may go down and do the Nordic Track in a minute, but I'm not walking out of the basement.
You know, if the kid was blond(e) too he'd probably walk into the wrong house... Alright; anyway, keep them coming. Have a fresh new page to fill up here. Let's get going.
Ace; c'mon, you guys. Get going.
"The few... the blonde... the...."
Ok; take a deep breath. Let's not travel that slippery slope that is the home-made rushed panicky "shoot I gotta come up with something quick dangit" blonde joke. Take your time. Look back on that mailbox one and take pride in its construction, logic and effectiveness. Seek that standard, in all you tell.
Let me see if I can patch that one up, while you're thinking of a good one...
"A select few blondes were walking down the street when a camera crew came up and said "Excuse us, ladies, but we're holding a competion for The Select Few Dumbest Blondes Ever and wanted to know if you'd like to participate...?"
"Sure!" "Sure!" "Sure!" said the blondes, which goes without saying.
"Ok then, contestant Number 1, why do you think you should be chosen?"
"Because I'm the Dumbest Blonde I've ever met!"
"Ok... good point. How about you, contestant blonde Number 2?"
"Because I'm more selected than anyone I know!"
"Alright... If you say so. How about you, Contestant Number 3?"
"Well, I should be chosen because I'm fewer than the other two combined!"
Ok, now that that's over, let's move on to the good ones.
Ace; this oughta be good.
How about "fix a flop?"
First off, I'm not that good with story problems because I start getting people confused. Well, first I get myself confused, and then work on them.
I'm ok with making an early morning service call, if it's an emergency. I honestly don't know that to do with those besides read them, which I did. That school joke was awright. A'ight. The drunk joke sorta lost me, and I'm sober so it's not that. I'm not sure why a blonde would want a priest AND a rabbi, but it's a joke so I guess anything can happen.
I'll just let them stand on their own demerits, and not try to duct tape them into a different configuration. I do like "Crucifixx a Flat" by ZZ Top. J and Bill made me think of that.
Ace; if you steal a joke it's yours, so don't worry about the copyright.
I didn't say I didn't like them much. I said one of them was a'ight.
That was quite a long history, but I guess history tends to take awhile. My brother was a history major, and he can take forever sometimes.
As far as I'm concerned, bleach stinks. I sprayed some on my tulip tree to try to zap the annual mushroom. It didn't turn blond, but it also didn't do much of anything else. The squirrels are kinda blond, which explains some things.
Ace; "the man was acting historical, as he ran up and down the street screaming the dates of various past events."
This is almost painful to watch, but it is funny (depending on your sense of humor): Funny Blonde on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRSU3cUEbes)
Well, I can see that was hot off the pile but I don't know if it's dendrites. I take it back that I called that other one long; this gives new meaning to the term. It's almost like, toward the end, that I'd heard it before.
I tuned into Scuzzy's link but it said I had my flasher off or should download the newest and everytime I hit it it didn't do anything so I stopped. I usually have my java off, until the morning, so maybe I'll go to that again. Normally whenever someone here says "Oh! Go Here and Look At This" it's a hoax so I never get my hopes up, anyway.
"He kept his hopes down, so as not to be disappointed..." That usually comes right after you've been running around historically.
Is there a sequel to this last one then? Is inane dumb a double negative, like "stinking panda," making it positive?
Ace; I didn't say I didn't like it. 1865! 1976!
I'm not gonna go and watch some dumb blonde joke video from work. Dangit.
Ace; "not my sandwich"... geez Blondie.
No. I did not. I definitely did not, and have absolutely no interest in the Alabama job. I deny any involvement in the stated activity, and refuse comment on the matter.
Ok, alright, yes I did. Another feather in my Computer Techie cap. There's no telling where my expertise will take me. I'll add that to my skills in:
1. deleting email
2. changing my desktop colors
3. changing my screensaver
4. changing how long it takes my screensaver to kick in
5. updating anti-spyware programs. sometimes.
5. changing the battery. at least on my old one.
6. plugging in my camera into the USB port. rightside up.
7. changing the AA's in the camera. About every 15 minutes of use.
8. knowing enough to not order from Monarch, again.
9. not letting Scuzzy sell me any of his old junk
10.stopping lists at 10, just because I think they're supposed to.
Ace; or, as they say in Sweden, "Hurdy gurdy burdy gurdy."
Yes. On that first one. One night this week I boot up at night and sign in and I'm at the end of a response to the snow shovel thing and it disappears... I just stared and turned off.
I haven't been into REM for awhile; I have seen a great concert video by them; someplace where there was a big open park (think there were trees..). They were more impressive than usual, to me. "The One I Love" was a great song in my opinion; I remember buying the single to that. Whoa, that was awhile ago.
Or "what's the frequency, Kenneth?" as they say to Dan Rather.
ace; I just hate when I jump, going to sleep... it's hard to sleep through that.
Quote from: JA on January 19, 2007, 14:09 hrs
I don't think you are as dumb as I look. :P
If that was directed at Ace, then I would shudder at how dumb you must look. ;D ;)
Mark H
That's ok, Mahrk, I don't think I'm as slow as you think.
I tried to look up "Jehosophat" but I didn't know how to spell it so I didn't bother. I haven't heard that one for a long time; good dig.
Ace; "he shoulda shuddered when the shutters shut." Oh; almost forgot the punctuation: :-X :) :D :-X
A Blonde threw a rock at the ground and missed!
(simple and to the point)
Good job, Halo. Succinct, to the point, crisp and funny as well. You saved the poast from having the lights turned out on it, and anyone who is able to keep the lights on in here deserves commendation. You da man.
Now; time for a joke. Step on up; JimS, you're due. Pat, you're slacking as usual. J, you can even try to make one up but I can't guarantee I can do anything with it. Bill, if you don't have a blonde joke say something funny about your dog or Southerners. I'd even ask for Scuzzy to share a weather report if nothing else, but "wintry snow" is getting redundant out there.
Ace; I'm waiting.
Quote from: JA on January 22, 2007, 06:36 hrs
Never ask a blond what day it is.
The answer is always, "Payday!"
There!
Your wait is over.
Shorter than short.
Funnier than funny.
And I definitely just now made it up.
I take fool credit for it.
I think you need more sleep. ::)
Mark H
Ok, look; I didn't think it's right of Mahrk to kill off this poast. I mean, the world needs blonde jokes, if just for a place for blondes to go to feel at home. Not their home, understandably, but somebody's.
So; here's a blond(e) joke for today, and hopefully to revitalize this chain and bring JimS in here and Pat and even JA if he doesn't try to make stuff up to add some funny takes on blondness.
Blond Joke for the First of February but look fast or it'll be gone soon:
Joe Biden.
Ok, you guys, take it.
Ace; his hair is pretty nice. It's holding up good.
Well, one less blonde joke... Anna Nicole is dead.
Ace; I'm betting the son was the father...
Next Blond Joke: Wade Phillips, Cowboys Coach. the result of a nationwide search to find a fat white haired guy to run your team. Into the ground.
In the spirit of very short blond(e) jokes, how about Rosie O'Trump?
Bill
Hey! You made me remember another good SuperBowl commercial; the one with the guy with the combover that was from his beard... That's right up there with ear hair sideburns and nose hair moustaches.
I'm always surprised on The Apprentice why someone doesn't just stand up during the abuse and say "You know, I really don't want to work for a jerk like you" and leaves.
Of course, I also wonder why anyone hires Rosie for anything. Anywhere.
Ace; Book for blondes: "Why Not to Choose Marilyn Monroe As Your Role Model"
Trump swears it's not a toupe' - liar.
"Pamela Anderson - the other blond joke".
I do think though that the shortest blond joke in history is Ace. No wait I mean Ace's comment - "Joe Biden". Sorry, I need to complete my thoughts before I type them.
It acts as both a noun and a verbe.
THNX
BRAD
I must say I've never been accused as acting like a verbe.
I think that's a Scandinavian Furby. Anyway, no, I don't think it is a toupe. I mean, nobody could make or sell something that looks like that. I've stared at it for a loooong time and can't figure the sweep. It looks like it's brushed back, but that doesn't explain the dip and roll over in front. But if it's from the back, then where did it originate? It is a modern mystery.
I saw the new photo (well, last) of Anna Nicole in bed with the Bahamian official. Was there ANYbody she didn't get in bed with..? I guess maybe the methadone and other notions and sundries in her fridge might have helped with her standard of living.
I was at Target and coupons would appear after your receipt... the register girl looked at it and asked skeptically "you don't want a coupon for hair color, do you..?" about the Nice & Easy coupon. I said "sure, for my wife." I guess she hadn't thought of that.
My head is naturally off-white anyway. Usually off color, too.
THINX
ACE; Tommy Lee - the other something or other
Sent to me by a friend:
__________________________________
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, .....
"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Oh, nice try Mark, but just wait, someone will be along and tell you that joke was back on page10 or 12 or 97 of this infernal joke thing. Followed by made up jokes, some bad some really bad.
It�s tough being blonde.
I believe that one was poasted in one of the previous chatrooms... probably the black background neon (no, not that Neon) one or in the Q room back in '98...
Ace; probably in chalk on the walls of a cave somewhere in France...
Blond(e) calls the Fire Department, "Help, My house is on fire!"
Fireman says "Ok, how do we get there?"
"Duh, in a big red truck!?"
Office manager said to associate returning from lunch, "while you were gone, your
blond(e) girlfriend sent you about a dozen faxes."
"How do you know they were from her?" the associate asked.
"They all had stamps on them."
Bill; the wonders of technology........
Good one, again. Both. By land, by sea, good.
Ace; they were.
Geez, nobody home. I wonder where have all the flowers gone?
Well, geez yourself. I for one was not home. As a matter of fact, I just got in a few minutes ago.
I just remembered a good joke. But remember, it's just a joke. Darn, I can feel the wrath already...
Three blondes came across a magic lamp, rubbed it, etc., and out popped a genie that promised each blonde one wish.
The first blonde asked to become smart.
"Done," said the genie, and the first blonde instantly became a redhead.
The second blonde asked to become smarter that the first, and instantly she became a brunette.
The third blonde asked to become smarter than the first two combined.
"Okay," said the genie, and instantly she became a man.
Scuzzy; let the dart throwing begin.
Well, going by your opening statement, if you say so... You know what we told you about making stuff up.
The flowers are at the funeral. If it's in the Bahamas they must be pink ones. And if all those Dodges were pink it'd be
a
ta-dah
PINK CARNATION
dah.
I had as much chance of rescuscitating that one as the EMTs did with Anna Nicole...
Ace; Scuzzy's was a good one, too. I hate trying to spell rescuscitate.
Hey speaking of Pink Carnations reminded me of this joke;
A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all.
So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working. She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."
I�m not sure the car was pink or if she was wearing a carnation, but there you go.
That's weird.. I thought you were over in your own joke.
Night before last my brother in law calls us; his Blazer is dead in the parking lot of Krogers (by UP mall) so I go to pick him and his wife up. We go back over yesterday to check on it; he called the service place I go to and told him how to check to see if it's the starter, or the battery... Told him to try to start it; if the lights stay lit then it's the starter. If the lights dim, it's the battery. So I'm standing in front, and he gets in; lights are good. Tries to start it, and I'm giving him a thumbs up the lights are still strong. He's sitting in it, grinning.
I didn't realize it was running... Strangest thing; I've now healed two batteries this week. My wife's watch dies, we get a new battery, take it back when it doesn't run. They say it must be the internal workings, so I leave it for them to send in for service. We decided not to bother, I go pick it up from them the next day. I notice it's running... I set it. It's fine.
ace; it's like that song, "Electrical Healing"...
Are you any good with plumbing? I've had some really odd experiences with that lately, non-standard fittings, old pipes, that sort of thing. It would be nice if I could put it together and have you come over and touch it or something and then when I turn the water on it just works.
No. I mean, sure, I can use it ok, but I can't fix it. Heck, I'm the guy who ran the cable snake down his bathroom drain to unclog it and was so pleased to see the water running through swiftly until I realized it was also running out the bottom of the basinette onto my feet since I punctured the stupid trap... Plus, our downstairs used to have sewer backup during storms since it'd pour back through the downstairs toilet. I don't feel responsible for that, but that stinks if you know what I mean.
The city added a new storm sewer system, so I guess I was lucky on that one.
Ace; I think there's an Ace plumber in the book.
That is too bad. Well to bad about the water on the floor and too bad you can't do some voodoo on the plumbing either.
I keep an eye on this house for a guy through the winter and of course the water froze back when it was colder than a plumber's crack. I shut the water off and went back once it warmed up and the pipes were ok but the fill valve would not shut off so I figured I'd just replace it. Its not like I haven't done that several times, but jeez what a mess, old pipes and no threads on the inlet. The last guy must have put it together with O-rings and packing. All I got out of the deal is water on the floor. I think I'll just go back and do it right with a shut off and new pipes.
pat;A good flush beats a full house every time.
Ace's adventure reminded me of this true story...
I was stationed in Germany in the early 1990s, and one year I attended the annual officer's Christmas Ball in Kaiserslautern (affectionally known as "K-Town"). The officer's club was located at the top of a small hill on the Army Kaserne, which is important to this story.
After the ball, some of the officers were gathered outside in the parking lot. I was with my buddies when we noticed an Army major was having difficulty starting his car. His battery was weak and he was unable to get the engine cranking fast enough to get it started. I walked over to him and noticed that he had a stick shift, which was a big plus since we were at the top of the hill.
I suggested to the major that he place the transmission in second gear, and that we would push him so that he could start rolling downhill. He quickly agreed, and not much more was said. My buddies and I, in our neat, fancy-shmancy Army Dress Blue uniforms, pushed his car far enough for gravity to take over, and we watched the car gain speed as it rolled downhill.
We next found ourselves in a total state of disbelief. Instead of popping the clutch, the major kept the clutch pedal to the floor as we heard him continue to weakly crank the engine.... all the way down the hill. "Err, err, err, errr, rr, rr, rr, click, click, click, click, click."
Scuzzy; I don't remember if he was blond, but he certainly qualified.
Since we're drifting away from all blonde jokes here, I'll offer up this one.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?
The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiinnnggg."
I don't know. Shoot, pick one or several.
Scuzzy's story reminds me that I've never been to Germany or driven a stick shift. I do recall when the chatroom went Deutsche for awhile, back in olden tymes.
I'd say have the cashier be the blonde.
Ace; nachotootsies is what scuzzy puts in his shoes.
Errr, (sniff-snort-cough, another cough, throat clearing, another cough, another sniff...)
Uhh, I must have dozed off, sorry. This place looks different. Amazing what some paint, plants, a few wall hangings will do. What time is it?
Oh, this is what I logged on for...
Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde.
"I'll go get some toilet paper" said the brunette, scurrying off.
One blonde said to the other, "Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!"
And Mark, you've been nailed. Since Pat was duly chastised for the unauthorized recycling of jokes, he's not gonna let anyone get a pass. I leave this in Pat's and Ace's capable and who-knows-where-they've-been hands, respectively, to administer the appropriate penalty.
Well, bless your hearts for crawling out from under your rock for Easter to resurrect this poast. I almost hate to respond for fear I'll kill (another one) it. It's especially poignant how you kept to the recent toilet paper theme introduced in the Poast office.
You know, some of the paint schemes look ok but they painted the Windows shut.
Ace; wonder if Chandler got Win95 to load yet.
Not to worry, I won't let you kill this thing off. Well at least not yet anyway, we had a blonde paint the place and after putting on two coats he got to hot and fainted away and didn't get to a few windows.
Anyway, I have a new one, I think.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Scroll Down. --->
<----- Scroll Up.
That was good, Pat. We amused ourselves for quite a while...
Hang on; I'm not done with it yet...
Shoot, my wrist is getting tired. I'm gonna try the mouse wheel.
Ace; ok, that'll work. I wonder what happens when you get to the end...
Yeah, that was a good one, every time I scrolled down to copy, I went back up without doing it. Really, i never thought I'd get it over here.
Ah, I'll take another chance that this one hasn't been offered yet either.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Ok; I think I can get this one. We haven't had a good chatroom quiz since the "How Long Does It Take Windows 95 to load, if Chandler forgets to poast the answer"....
Alright. Up on 3, down on four... An old lady in a wheelchair hitting a cop with her cane..? Paul McCartney's next wife? Something from Cirque de Soleil? A 3 legged dog finding a bowl of tender cuts and gravy at the top of the hill, where his owners find him...?
Hey; wait a minute. I know. Two people running a 3 legged race to the top of the hill!
Ha! You all thought I couldn't figure it out, and I did! This is the greatest thing since the last time I pushed a poast to a new page! What a Good Friday! Now I see why they call it that!!
Doesn't it irritate you when someone uses multiple exclamation marks!!! Or uses them for every stupid sentence! We have a woman at work that does that... Criminy, you just want to tell her to calm down. Or, shut up.
Alright; anyway. My work here is done. I now know I would be able to bother a blonde, or a lawyer, on an airplane. Cool.
Ace; I should get $500, by all rights.
Personally, I think you should get a bunch of lefts. But congratulations on getting the right answer. I must admit that I was fairly confident that you could never figure it out.
We once arrested a really old guy for whopping his really old wife on the head with a cane. He was so old and dilapidated that I still can't figure out how he managed to swing the cane and actually make contact with his target. It must have been a great effort for him.
Scuzzy; I don't know why he had a cane and a wheelchair.
The cane was for protection!
Bill
I felt almost prosthetic, getting that...
I was wondering how many blocks it took to get the guy to pull over... See, that was the only thing that bothered me in the cop caning case here; how the heck do you manage to get in range to get bopped? She was found guilty, and could serve 5 years or so. The best protection would've been a walker. Texas Ranger.
Ace; you could use the cane like an oar, or one of poles like the guys in gondolas go.
Two blondes were partying in the woods when a sudden downpour caused everyone to scatter. They jumped into their car, started it, headed down the road, laughing. Suddenly an old man tapped on the passenger window! "Got a cigarette?" he asked. They screamed and drove faster. He was gone. Was he ever really there? But then again, the old man knocked on the driver's window! She opened the window a little and asked, "Now what?" The old man replied, "Got a match?" She threw her lighter out the window at him, and sped up to 100 miles an hour. Suddenly, there's another knock! "Oh, God," screamed the blonde driver. "He's back!" She screamed in fear, "What do you want?" The old man asked gently, "Need help getting out of that mud?"
Holy cow! That was an intensely scary storie. Story. It had me on the edge of my seat all the way to the gripping finale.
I tell you, my heart was racing in fear for the poor, hapless blondes.
Scuzzy; I'm glad they didn't lose control of their car.
I bet with the price of gas they didn't get far.
You know, just when things look their darkest and rain pours on your parade and all hope and traction seems lost Jims appear out of the turgid gloom to bring a ray of blonde light into your life. That was almost like the urban myth in the woods where the guy with the hook for a hand taps on the car window and asks for a light. Although I gotta figure he never got the thing lit if he's standing by a car spraying mud at 100 miles an hour.
Ace; if a nun had been there she would've had a filthy habit too.
Okay, one more...
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. "Jump! It's your only chance!" they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. "Jump!" the firemen yelled to the redhead. "Oh, no!" the redhead cried. "You'll pull the blanket away!" "No, no! It's brunettes we can't stand! We love redheads!" "Well, okay," said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde's turn. "Jump!" yelled the firemen. "No way!" yelled the blonde. "You'll just pull the blanket away again!" "No, we won't. We won't pull the blanket away. We love blondes!" The blonde was adamant. "Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it..."
"One More" he says. Look, you guys, you have waaaay more owed on your contract here than "one." So you better focus on pushing out product and quit suggesting you're done for the week. It's not a holiday yet, Misters.
That was a good one, though. I didn't entirely believe the mud one but that one made more sense.
Ace; it would have been wrong if the firemen were smoking in that one.
Hey, one at a time, Ace, don't be a pig...
As the manager passed the blonde's cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, "What's the matter?" She replied, "I just learned that my mother died this morning." The boss felt sorry for her. "Go one home and take the day off." "Thanks, but I'd rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it." He agreed she stayed on. A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. "Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to go home?" he asked. "No!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!"
Heh. JimS called Ace a pig. That's real funny. Really. Very.
But the blonde story was really sad. I felt so bad for the poor, hapless blonde and her sister. That's just tragic.
Scuzzy; I wonder if her mom was the one who jumped from the burning building.
Oh, you'd think so. Figures an unruly mob forms and starts namecalling and hate crimes and the cop stands there and laughs and thinks it's funny.
Plus, they said they wouldn't do two and then went ahead with a double blonde joke anyway. It just goes to show that when you don't think you're showing you might be. And where's her dad in all this?
aCe; he's probably the one who lit the building, after his cigarrette. ciggarette. cigarette. cigar. shoot.
Poast script: JImS, I tried them and they worked great. Thanks. I'll take both; I needed material for the holiday. Get with me through PayPal. There shouldn't be sales tax, in Michiana.
Sorry for my/our absence, everyone; it seems that decent blond(e) jokes are getting few and far between...
Two blondes realized that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yelled the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first.
"Good idea," said the other.
So the both yelled, "Together! Together!"
JA started what sounds like could be a good blond(e) joke, but then gave up. Quit. Didn't finish the job. Wimped out. Dropped the ball. Left us all hanging. That sort of thing. Sort of. Or sorta-kinda.
Sounds like we have the makings of a contest here. Let's see who can help Johnny out here and come up with a better ending.
Alright, you know I usually try to stay out of here because it's not like I'm going to be any help, you know? But the JimS said "contest" and that always piques my interest. Peaks. Peeks. Whatever, my interest is interested.
Ok; so I'll take a shot:
"After the 3 blondes climbed in the cab, the driver asked 'So, where do you want to go?'"
and all 3 shouted
"Forward!"
There. That would be my try.
Ace; shoot, I should have had the driver run out screaming, finding 3 blondes in one cab...
Hello, how low as Kurt Cobain would say before he cleaned his gun. And the wall.
Look, you gave me a lot to go on, so really it was just like coming up with a punchline after the glove was already halfway there. Here, let me try to set you up so you can finish someone else's:
Three blondes stepped out of a taxi, but really had no idea where they were since the cab driver didn't seem to understand English and they figured he did not take them where they asked... So one blonde turned to the next and asked "Do you have any idea where we are...?" And the second answered "Not at all. I don't recognize anything here." and she turned to the third and asked "Do you know where he dropped us?" and the third said
There. Take that one. I bet it comes out just fine. Now, like JimS said, don't be pulling one of those "They never did find out, since they were blondes and I was asleep anyway" cop outs. Do something special with it. C'mon, I know you've got it in you.
Ace; if Low Cut is a girl I might like to meet her... Or Low Mein.
You are, you doofus. Geez Criminy, who else is dozing off on their poast??
So that's your answer? The third blonde said "I don't know, but as long as we're out we might as well go out to eat."
And I just said "don't phone it in..." Sigh.
Look; try again. I know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, as Hannibal Lector used to say.
Ace; I wish Buff would birng a nice Chianti while we're waiting...
I have tried bringing you some chianti several times but it's such a danged long way that the bottle is always empty before I get there. And I get lost and forget where I was going.
I blame it on the Bermuda Triangle - it's very disorienting.
Buff; I got loads of Fava beans though......
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I would love to have a bottle of British Chianti. No one makes wine like the Brits, I always say. Right up there with Italian beer.
Otherwise, it was nice of you to buy time for Johnny to come up with some closure for that joke. Maybe he decided to go for a drive, after dinner.
Ace; across Ohio. That'll take awhile.
So the blonde says, "Could you call me a taxi?" and I said, "OK, you're a taxi."
That's all I got...............
And the third said, "No matter where you go, there you are. So we must be here."
Scuzzy; and that's all I got.
I thought the third blond said "I thought my head hurt from thinking, but it must have been because he dropped us."
Mark H
Well, way to change the page and the subject. Would anyone else who isn't Johnny care to take a crack at the dang joke now, dangit?
Gees Louise as Dagwood said today; I knew he's been in Toronto shooting fireworks but it's still no excuse to shirk your responsibilties and get these blondes straightened out.
Ace; and that's all they got. Criminy.
Shoot me now, I'm a duck. Consider yourself lucky you weren't notified about the malfeasance and false identities wandering about. It's like blonde criminals breaking into prison.
What Terrell Owens has to do with any of that, I have no clue. He probably hurt his hand during the joke.
Ace; if jesters drove Hummers they'd have to call them "Bummers."
Yep, I flew the coop. I posted a joke about the Barbie Bank Robbers and thought it wasn't right to poast it, so I deleted it just to make JA wonder. ;D
Mark H; You never know who is poasting links to the same thread we now see ;)
So first you're sore because you don't get alerts when there's something here, and now you're complaining because you got an alert when we didn't. Boy, there's just no satisfying some people.
Anyway, Mahrk, if you're going to threaten us with a joke the least you can do is sorta kinda do one. I mean, all I know now is it was based on Barbie and banks and robbing. I hope it wasn't Klaus Barbie; that would be a twist.
I know I wasn't poasting links to the same thread we now see, when we weren't seeing it. I was busy with other things. Really important other things.
Ace; I wonder if Ken drove the get-away car.
Look, your credits good with me. I'm a little short of cash, since I have to buy gas to go to Kalamazoo today. No, I don't have a gal there. Gas went up again, to over $3. It must have known I was coming.
While in Michigan I'll look for Pat, but I don't expect to see him as he's probably way across on the West End. I was at Don Pablo's with a giant margarita last night, but didn't see him then either. Unless he was the waiter, at which time I'll remind him he wasn't very attentive. One of those where you just leave the money with the bill and walk out, since you're not going to see him for another 20 minutes anyway. Makes you wonder why you leave the money...
Somebody finish the Barbie Banking scandal joke. You don't want me to do it.
Ace; maybe Ken was forced to wear a collar bomb and wound up getting blown up, but then they figured he was a willing participant.
There's another reason you call me "Slick" but that's why I usually wear the Nike cap.
You know, there's an Indiana, PA, so that would just confuse things. Dumb as having a Michigan City, IN. That is so wrong.
I don't know if the joke was killed or aborted, but it sure doesn't seem to be among the living. I was reading they found a Ghost Orchid up in a cypress tree in Naples, FL. Maybe Pat's there checking it out. If we pass like two ships in the night on the highway, then that's just too long of a simile to try to deal with.
Yeah, I did catch a lot of the Les Paul tribute on PBS in between Dancing, and the 2nd Karaoke/find the missing word show. I didn't realize there were TWO "sing along" shows... the one with the doofus from Boys to Men or whatever and then Wayne Brady's last night. The first one was way superficial, but fast moving. Hear a line, sing the next. Last night's had a single woman contestant who could NOT sing and had an offpitch highpitch irritating voice plus the show has her sing along for about half a song and then has to come up with the next 4 words... so it pretty much soaked up hearing a bad singer sing, and dance around. AND they have to continue with her on the next show... yikes. No, she wasn't blonde, but that's my dinner and tv review anyway.
I wish they would've shown Les playing more, and less about the venues... Also thought it incredibly lazy and dumb to be praising the sonic qualities of Les Pauls while showing 1. Hendrix 2. Buddy Holly 3. Pete Townsend, even playing (and burning, and smashing, respectively) Fender Stratocasters. Which is my personal choice. No, not the burning and smashing as I can only afford the one. And praising Jimmy Page's iconic Les Paul and sounds while playing an early studio Led Zep song where he used a (yes, Fender) Telecaster... Idiots. Jeff Beck did use a Les Paul for a brief time, as did Clapton early on, but really they're Strat guys primarily. Jeff also is starting to look a bit like a potato, I noticed. Paul McCartney actually looks less like Tweety Bird now, though.
Nobody much plays a Les Paul in the way, with the tonality, Les did. They do make a great howling thumping heavy noise through a loud amp, but those who use them tend to have one (howling. thumping) signature sound without a whole lot of range or nuance... Mark Knopfler being the exception who can play singing, nuanced emotive things on his old Paul. Otherwise you get the blazing howling Zakk Wylde or flutey howling Slash or or the signature Marshall/Les Paul muddy roar.
Shoot, I hope Pat hasn't left yet. I gotta look for him.
Ace; "don't crash the ambulance" as Mark Knopfler would say.
Jeez, I got the warning that this topic is older than 90 days so I'm not so sure this short little joke is worth reviving this old thread for it, but here goes.
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde saw a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove the next eight miles, she had cleaned 43 of them.
It's hard to come up with new material for this topic, we must have all the good ones here already. Well at least the ones that are fit to print here, now if we lower our standards some, boy I've got some good ones. ;)
Unless of course you get into the videos and then there is this, sure to become a classic, Miss Teen Usa (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7620686268212703476&q=miss+teen+usa&total=1523&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0)
I like that... you should put that on the home page here: "Our standards are LOwL"
But a good joke. Pat, whom in the world is that avatar which just appeared? Character in the new Batman movie?
Ace; who was that masked man...
That's not a character that's me.
OK, that's not really me, I still have some hair on the sides and in the back.
Think: Kill Bill
No, not that Bill or the other one either the movie Bill.
I bet Barack Obama's favorite movie is "Kill Bill."
You know, I never did see any of those films, so that clue isn't going to help. If that is you, you look a'ight. We could almost be brothers. If it isn't, then I don't know why I'm discussing this guy. Maybe Howie Mandel could wear a mask and appear like that on "Deal or No Deal."
Ace; I used to have a Zorro costume...
What ? Never saw the Kill Bills?
I have to admit I did enjoy them. They did have a bit of bloodshed and were to some degree a wee bit violent but hey, I guess you just have to look for the hidden meaning. Plus any movie with both Ulma Thurman and Lucy Liu is just alright by me.
I'll have to get them out and watch them again.
Shoot, I like mayhem and bloodshed. Although I get enough of that in my computer.
I guess the only Blonde joke I can think of is that Hillary claimed victory in yet another state where nobody ran... That's like me declaring myself Duke of Michiana. Oh, and Michigan's (blonde) governor declared that everything's gonna be ok, again. And Brittany collapsed and had a melt down, but I guess she's not blonde anymore. At least she has hair, again.
Which is undergoing one of our bipolar weather systems; we had 50 degrees and rain late yesterday afternoon, and below zero temps this morning. Funny what happens to a lot of rain when it hits minus degrees.
Ace; I should paint my computer blond.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
That was from Kill Bill, I stayed up late last night and watched them, again. Funny how you pick up something new each time you watch a movie over again. Either that or I just forget from the last time.
I like that, Duke. Sounds sort of baronial.
OH! HEY! Cool! Even better...
BARON, of MICHIANA I can be that! Baron! That would be great. There aren't that many barons... I mean Baron Lafitte Rothschild or whatever. Red Baron. That's pretty much it, I think. There are a lot more Dukes, what with Daisy and all them, and John Wayne, and Of Earl.
And "baronial" sounds great, as an adjective. "My barometer, is baronial, today." "I would now like a Baronial Balonial Sandwich."
I still haven't seen Bill killed, yet. I thought about buying both movies as a package deal. I suppose if you see the one you may as well see the other. Uma is blonde, so it's on topic.
Ace; Baron. You know it.
Yeah?
I like to change things up fairly often so I'll be on the lookout for a new one.
Dang, this thing's still alive. I guess I oughtta do my share:
Two blondes were talking. "Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
"Oh, really? How?"
"They left a little note on my windshield that said, 'Parking Fine.'"
"Aw. That's so sweet!"
Still lookin' for more...
Those last ones worked great; glad to use them.
I'll give it a go, to try to keep hope alive:
Two blonde roommates were thinking about upgrading their computer...
"You know, Brittany, we should consider upgrading our PC so it would be better at playing games."
"Oh, I don't know Nicole, how would we do that?" "Well, we should get a second video card for SLI."
So the two blondes ordered a second identical video card, and installed it, but it wouldn't work on SLI but instead just kept rebooting...
"Oh, darn, Brittany, this isn't working. I know we did everything right and even bought that stupid SLI bridge on eBay since we didn't get one with it but this thing just keeps rebooting whenever we set it for SLI." "D'uh! I know!" said Nicole.
They then also found their pc wouldn't boot at all, and they lost their monitor, and struggled to get it into SafeMode, and all the while some guy from Britain kept telling them so.
"Boy, Nicole, this is sure not working out. And it doesn't help that guy keeps telling us so." "I know!" exclaimed Tiffany.
The two blondes worked continously on their pc, but still kept running into more problems... first, the monitor. Then, they lost the USB hub. Then, some stupid device was recognized but not enough that the dumb computer even would say what it was it wasn't recognizing although it seemed perfectly happy to point out there was something, somewhere, it didn't understand.
"This dang computer keeps saying there's some dang unknown device but it won't install the dumb thing and I don't know what to do, now!" Brittany shouted. "I know. Lets go to Windows Updates and download a boatload of stuff that has no bearing on this" Tiffany suggested.
So they downloaded a few hours worth of Microsoft updates, but those didn't do anything but kill time.
"Look, let's flash the BIOS to see if that's where the problem is" Brittany thought, taking off her sweater. "Can't hurt" Tiffany agreed, removing hers.
After multiple attempts, neither could get the ASUS Update to actually pull off a BiOS update, let alone its sweater.
"This is soooo frustrating" moaned Nicole. "I know!" hooted Brittany. "Let's change the power supply."
So the blondes decided to spend $130 or so on a new PSU. It was naturally difficult for them, and they almost gave up when they didn't find any cables coming out of the modular unit they bought... But, finally, they got it connected.
"Oh, I don't have a good feeling about this at all" Nicole muttered, as she went to boot up the PC. "Neither do you" agreed Tiffany. "I told you so, you know" said some guy in England.
But then, a miraculous thing occurred: the computer actually booted up. And the blondes went into the NVidia properties, and enabled SLI, and rebooted, and it WORKED! And finally, after all that trauma and drama and tribulation, they finally achieved their dream of an SLI Gaming System Scalable Linked Up computer.
"This is just so cool! We did it!" hoorayed Tiffany. "This is just the best!" shouted Brittany. "What do you want to play first?"
"How about checkers...?" suggested Tiffany. "Ooh, or Solitaire!" shrieked Tiffany.
Ace; I've got nuthin'.
I know; I am so sorry...
I blame Bubba, mostly. If he would have been here. to make up some dumb joke, then none of this would have happened. I just hope no impressionable children wandered in, during that.
Ace; I am innocent until proven guiltless.
Ahh, if they were really blonde, they would have picked it up and shaken the s..... stuff out of it
Filaments of his imagination they were.
What's a "lottery winning"...?
Congrats J on your windfall; from previous dealings I always thought of them as the Anti-Social Security Office.
Ace; were any of them blonde?
Jesters are upposed to nudity in poasts unless absolutely necessary to advance the plot
I'm back.
To resurrect this megapoast.
To pay homage to a poast that was started quite possibly when I was in middle school.
Despite the fact that I just wasted a few hours of my life reading the whole darned thing, complete with squirrels and repeated jokes, I won't go back and figure out exactly when it began.
So I leave everyone with a blonde joke...and no, it's 3:14 a.m. here, not 4:14...I'm in college in MDT.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A; Glue a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.
IanSL; Now with signatures...make sure that mirror is in the deep end!
Thank You IanSLI; criminy, we needed that. But Geez Louise don't read the whole poast... just the last part. Shoot, you already lost an hour just by moving west.
Great joke, and great timing; I have to see my father in law for his 84th birthday today and needed something funny enough to test his survivability. I'll see if he can take it.
You know, actually, the joke is even funnier if the mirror was in the shallow end... I like a healthy dose of stupid along with a killer joke.
Ace; I knew there was something worthwhile you could do at 4:14...
Fun fact: the BR (blond(e) ratio) here is darned low. There are some here, but the amount is small in relation to other places, IMO.
Then again, the ratio of guys to girls is pretty skewed in the former direction as well, FWIW.
IanSL; My worthwhile act for 4:14 is sleep, whether that's a.m. or p.m.
Gimme a break, ja :|
1) I'm at an engineering school; only maybe one or one and a half people study blonde bleach...not that anyone would want to use it for fear of failing courses here...
2) This is only my second semester sitting at my computer in a room that measures eight eet by ten feet, in a building that is two blocks from the main campus, which has a cafeteria to make McDonalds look palatable. Yes, I'm moving out and into a place where I don't have to pay for a disgusting, outrageously expensive meal plan next school year.
IanSL; this time next week, I'll be back home, this time next hour I will see whether my Macbook Air HDD survived Apple diagnostics...wish SpinRite would ron on EFI
Nah...we're all too busy complaining about Physics, Calculus or Chemistry. Physics 2, word has it, is in the top three for hardest required courses in the nation.
IanSL; I don't recall having a blond(e) teacher this or last semester...maybe the grey-haired ones werre blond though...
A blonde walks into a store. She finds a great TV and goes up to the clerk.
"Sir, I'd like to buy that TV over theres so I can watch American Idol ."
"Sorry, we don't sell those to blondes."
What? she thought.
So, she dyes her hair red and goes back again.
"Sir, I'd like to buy that TV over there.so I can watch American Idol "
"I'm sorry, we don't sell those to blondes."
Uggh! This was really getting on her nerves!
So, she dyes her hair brown and goes back AGAIN.
"Sir...I'd really like to buy that TV over there so I can watch American Idol ."
"...I'm sorry...we don't sell those to blondes."
"AHHHH! HOW DID YOU KNOW I'M A BLONDE?!!!!"
"Well...because you want to watch American Idol."
BRA..HA....HA...HA.....HA.....HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I suppose you could substitute wrestling for AI................ ;)
No; you canNOT substitute Professional Wrestling with American Idol.
There are not than many chunky men on American Idol whom wear tight clothing and show off their build.
Well, ok, besides Simon and Randy, not that many fat guys in tight clothes. Paula was kinda banded and bonded last night, too.
Ace; ha. ha.
Blonde: "A jester says 'what'...
Jester: "Huh?"
A blonde ran into a Jester on her way to work. The Jester said "Ow."
Two blonds walked into a building.
You'd think maybe one of them would have noticed it...
What did the blonde say when she walked into a bar???
"OUCH"
:D
Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?????
They went to go see the movie "Closed For The Winter"
What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?????
;D Having a great time! Where am I? ???
:D
What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you? :o
You'd pull the pin and throw it back! ;D
What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? :-\
Lipstick ::)
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? ??? :-\
She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? ??? :-\
She fell out of the tree. :D
What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
:-\
The Yeti has been spotted. ::) ;D
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? :-\
Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter. 8)
How many blonde jokes are there? :-\ ??? :-X
Only one. All of the others are true stories :o ;D
Top 10 Blonde Science Fair Projects
10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8)What hurts more falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I eat broken glass and live?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?
One blonde was tried of everyone thinking blondes were dumb. To prove them wrong she single-handedly memorized the capital of every American State. She goes to a bar and shes a man laughing at a blonde joke.
"Hey not all blondes are dumb I'll prove it to you, ask me for the capital of any state!"
"OK, how about California." The blonde thought for a second then proudly said
"C..."
Dan, it's interesting that, on your own and without prompting, you come up with 16 poastings in two days; try to get you to answer four social studies questions for homework, and it takes an eternity.
And speaking of 16 poasts in two days, if you look back, I have some poasts with 50 or more blond(e) jokes in each. Talk about running up the score; I'd have more poasts than Ace if I used your method.
One last thing (I'll whisper it): spell check.
I hope there aren't 6,234 on the way. I'm glad they weren't asked to name the capitols. And, no, venomous snakes aren't poisonous. With a venomous snake, it bites you and you're sick. With a poisonous one, you bite it and you're sick.
In hopes of the death of blondes and jokes:
Three blondes die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them "explain what Easter means, and you can pass through to heaven..."
The first blonde answers, "Oh. That's when we get gifts from Santa and decorate the tree!" To which, St. Peter shakes his head.
The second blonde says "I know! That's when we gather with family around the table for a big turkey dinner with all the fixings and give thanks, and then watch football!" St. Peter grimaces, and says "No..."
The third blonde responds, "Easter is when Jesus had the Last Supper and was taken into custody and was crucified and then was buried in the tomb for three days and was resurrected."
St. Peter, with some relief, said "Yes! Alright... you can go on through."
And the third blonde added "And if he sees his shadow we'll have 7 more weeks of winter."
Ace; I know, it's probably already part of the chain, but I was afraid to look past the last page.
THE SADDEST (BLOND) JOKE EVER
A blond guy said:
"Sure, my dog and I used to play catch... I'd throw the ball, and he'd run and catch it, and bring it back. But I could never get him to throw it to me. So, I just quit playing with him."
A fitting end.....
Bill
Not quite yet, Bill...
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
I would have used a much more explosive word, such as "Abominable". :o
A blonde noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.
A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The blonde's arm caught fire. She ran about wildly, waving her arm up and down in a feverish attempt to put out the fire.
A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired three shots at the blonde, killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her.
The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."
Hmmm. Scraping the barrel now - very tenuous link to blondeness in that it might just as well have been a brunette or even a Jester.
Still, I enjoyed it and it's as good a way as any to resurrect a very popular thread. Well done Jim. Both of you.
Buff; not all blondes have fun, apparently.
Yeah, I know... kinda weak, I can do better than this.
But the intention was there!
Okay, how's this:
One winter morning, a couple are listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park�" and then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
LOL
Bill; really.
Oh yes......much, much better.
Buff; We are amused.
Hey, I'm on a roll now...
Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
Hey, I'm on a donut.
Good joke, though.
Ace; I know there's a movie coming out about Watchmen so that was very timely.
Roll, donut, bagel, scone...
Well, I'm toast. Which reminds me, The Onion reported today that Johnson & Johnson, who makes the ever-popular K-Y Jelly, will soon be introducing K-Y Jam.
Yum. Yum.