Author Topic: Santa has a message for you  (Read 411 times)


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Santa has a message for you
« on: Dec 04, 2001, 08:43 AM »
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract

was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin and

Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer

breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain

that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who

happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of

delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few

differences between us.

 Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba

Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that

reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave

an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba

doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs

instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my

reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when

Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on

Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are

likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have

a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off.

"The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as

well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the

letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee

on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"

and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing

area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the

Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state

patrols cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,

the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put

presents under the tree.

 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed

Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will no

longer be sung about me.  This year songs about Bubba Claus will be

played on all AM radio stations in the South.  Those song titles will be

Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd

Over by a Reindeer."

       Sincerely yours,

         Santa Claus

        (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 29)