Author Topic: JESTER AWARDS  (Read 1186 times)

Offline Ace

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JESTER AWARDS
« on: Jan 20, 2007, 04:58 AM »
The first or third annual Jester Awards, until the next blonde joke shows up...

THIS JUST IN: FASTEST RECOVERY
* How long does it take to recover from being tortured for a year by the Chinese, including chemical burns on your right hand and who knows what other unbearable attrocities...?  Oh, about an hour, if you're Jack Bauer.

MOST ANNOYING COMMERCIAL
* a tie between the Claritin Nasonex (sorry; couldn't understand him with his stupid French accent) French bumble bee (doofus; even though they toned it down it still makes me want to crush it with a can of Raid) and the Dairy Queen "this looks like two dipped cones but look closer and they're cheeseburgers and look closer and it's a french fry and look closer I'm going to McDonald's..."

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR... NOT
* Another tie between Ariel Sharon and Fidel Castro.  How alive do you have to be to be not dead?

MOST HELPFUL POASTERS TAB
* The "Mark Read" button, so he'll know which ones he has

PASSED ITS "SELL BY" DATE AWARDS
* American Idol. Why not just make it a Bloopers show?  Why not just put Simon Cowell on the street and have him insult the looks of passers-by? Why not just put Paula on a bar stool?  Why not try to explain just what Randy Jackson has done in the business, besides playing bass for Journey (somebody tell Ross Valory) and gain weight back?

SHORTEST LASTING PHYSICAL PROCEDURE
* apparently gastric bypass, looking at Randy and Charlie Weis.  Al Roker is holding up ok though, I guess. 

PICK A HAIRSTYLE, WILLYA, AND NOT THAT ONE AWARD
* Katie Couric

WE'RE STILL TOO STUPID TO MAKE A STAND POLITICAL PARTY
* As funny as a John Kerry stand-up routine... The Democrats. They accomplish a trouncing November win only to announce they will cut off funds to the Iraq war/surge/escalation/victory dance while admitting no, they really can't cut funds nor prevent troop movements or restrict the president on waging it let alone leave several thousand military volunteers hanging fundless but anyway they woulda if they coulda so they can't so they won't.. but by golly somebody's gonna be held accountable.  It's sort of similar to "I'm not going to pay another cent for this dang thing the check's in the mail" ploy.

BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS CATEGORY
* Sadaam Saddam Sadamm oh who cares he's gone Half Brother to not only be hanged but also experience the Worst Case Scenario Hanging Option which is decapitation.  Ouch.

MOST IRONIC COMMENT ABOUT PUBLIC HANGINGS COMMENT
* George W. B. saying "it looked like a revenge killing..."  This from the guy waging a revenge war, primarily to kill the guy who tried to kill his dad.

NOT SEEN YET, EVER, FOR QUITE AWHILE
* WMDs.
* Elvis
* any reason to watch Grey's Anatomy

BEST PRIMETIME PLOT TWIST
* exploding nuclear devices; featured on both Jericho and 24

MOST CONFUSING BUT EFFECTIVE ACCENT
* Hugh Laurie, playing an American on House

BEST CAMEO BY A RICH AND FAMOUS GUY WHO REALLY DOESN'T HAVE TO
* Mick Jagger on a show based around robbing his apartment, if the Opportunity arises.  Pretty good British accent, too.  A lot better than Dr. House's.

NO REASON TO TRY TO SNEAK THESE GUYS INTO TV OR MOVIES
* Keith Richards or Eddie Van Halen, as suddenly they look like old Indians.
* Steven Tyler is too, but he did a'ight on 2 and 1/2 Men

IT'S GONE ON TOO LONG, LIKE THIS LIST, TO THE POINT OF OH WHO CARES AS IF WE EVER DID
* "Lost" - we're on the island now we're not we're flashbacking now we're captured now we aren't now it's a dream now it isn't now giant magnets went off now we're captured again now we're not watching
* Survivor; "I can't believe these guys cheated and didn't tell the truth and led me on and didn't play nice.." D'uh.
See: Point Of The Game

BIG FAT LOSER AWARD
* well, ok, Charlie Weis just for big games but actually I was thinking of Caroline Rhea on Biggest Loser. She's getting larger by the episode, in amusing contrast to people trying to slim down.  It'd be kinda funny if the contestants had to eat the person they dismiss from the team, or have someone cut off a leg in the finals to try to out-do someone else's weight loss...  I still want to see a "Survivor" go after the machete and shorten that show to a single episode, too.  "Well, as a twist, we have no one in the jury this year"...

MOST HATED LATE NIGHT HOST BY A COUPLE PEOPLE ALTHOUGH JA KEEPS WAFFLING ON THIS
* Conan O'Brien. Not that I stay up anyway, and J started to think he was tolerable if he didn't look at him.  I find him best if I neither watch nor listen to him.

BEST IMPRESSION OF A 7 LAYER BEAN DIP
* scuzzy

I THINK IT'S OK TO JUST CALL HIM "Dip"
* scuzzy

NUMBER OF SWEET POTATOES JESTERS HAVE EATEN THIS WEEK
* 0

BEST JOKE CATEGORY
* dumb blond(e) jokes

WORST JOKE CATEGORY
* homemade dumb dumb blond(e) jokes

BEST EFFORT TO PAD A POAST THIS YEAR AWARD
* a tie between JA, with the "the blonde sat in a mud puddle and got splashed. Again.  And again" joke and
"JA's Payday joke." 


Ace; the worse sound you can hear when you want to shoot someone is "click."
« Last Edit: Jan 23, 2007, 04:22 AM by Ace »
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Offline Mark H

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #1 on: Jan 22, 2007, 03:16 PM »
What kind of Jester Awards don't have Ace as a winner? This is a joke with no Ace wiinning a Jester Award. Even Scuzzy won a couple. I demand a recount since Ace has to win one. In his own words, he could win the dumbest look since he isn't as dumb as he looks.

Mark H; Is a Panda really better than a Jester?
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Offline Ace

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #2 on: Jan 22, 2007, 06:02 PM »
No, Mahrk... I said I'm not as slow as you think.

And: no.  A panda is not "better" than a Jester.  And no panda is better than another, just as in the deep blue expanse of the sea no bag of medical waste is better than another.

As far as a Jester Award for a jester, that would be redundant.  It is enough to have the deep admiration and heartfelt affection and fond appreciation of my colleagues here.

Ace; that would be my fellow jesters, of which there are none.
« Last Edit: Jan 23, 2007, 04:19 AM by Ace »
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Offline Bill

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #3 on: Jan 30, 2007, 05:06 AM »
But there are other Fools!

Bill
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Offline Ace

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #4 on: Jan 30, 2007, 05:23 PM »
Ok; JohnAthon and William; while you guys argue the merits of "Who's The Bigger One" I'll just offer some other award nominees:

SHOW I'VE LOVED THAT i'VE HIT THE WALL, ON
24. Honest to gosh, I just dozed off during it.  Whoever cast Jack's Brother (old "I'm sitting in a barrel of Toxic Waste Guy" (Robocop)) and his Dad whom is 3 feet taller than either son... and the terrorists and the horrific developments of a whole 6 hours in the day thing... It's just gotten tedious.  Even with the Ultra Violence (Jack tortures his brother! Brother pulls gun on Jack! Jack tortures brother again, next week!) and the homogoneous Arab conspiracy thing and nukes it's just not goin' well.  They've tried to interject a whole world and relationships and people WITHIN the timeframe we've grown to know, and around people we thought we knew (Jack. Wife.  Jack...). 

TIME FOR A DRUG TEST
Paula Abdul.  I'm watching this tonight, and she's bouncing off walls and is a weird giddy careening mess.  Something is in that Coke, besides Coke. 

WHAT TO CALL THE COLTS, WHEN THEY LOSE THE SUPERBOWL
I'm going with "Barbaros"....

Ace; "full"... I never did figure the origins of that one.
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Offline Ace

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #5 on: Jan 31, 2007, 04:15 AM »
"Full" the band, and of hotdogwater.  I did not know that.  Actually, that's pretty gross to think about.

I think it's funny to have a place named like a famous place but it's not where that's at, like Fort Worth IL.  Indiana, PA.  South Bend.. somewhere else. 

"Inane" is right on the mark.  First thing with Heroes was "Hiro", since after about one show of his shrieks I'd had it with that dork. Then the multiplication of them... I lost track when there were upwards of a thousand or so, and I was still trying to figure out the blonde with the split personality, plus why they seemed to be "practicing" (flying..) but not doing anything. Then, the climactic episode where Nothing Happened At The End.  And anyway, Jack Bauer has superpowers beyond anyone.  He probably goes to shooting ranges with someone else, just so he can grab their arm to fire.  I dozed off during House last night...  I think the two shows that are SURE to keep me awake are 2 1/2 Men and The Office.  I can stay awake easier if I'm laughing. 

I guess "Inane" could be short for "Indiana."  We paid $17 million BACK to the toll road foreign conglomerate to subsidize their rate hikes...  Our next license plate will probably just say "Indiana; Too Stupid To Live" or "State For Sale" or "How Much Can We Get, for It?"

ace; I think our groundhogs are gonna still be frozen by Friday
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Offline Ace

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Re: JESTER AWARDS
« Reply #6 on: Jan 31, 2007, 05:21 PM »
I'm not touching you.  Get away from me.

And I'm sure not pulling your leg.  I don't even want to yank a sock. 
P&A. Huh. "PA announced to the assembled.."

aCe; where else would you hear it.

OH HEY JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER AWARD OF SOMEONE i CAN'T STAND:

* New Most Annoying Person I've Thought Of Commercial Award:  Joan Cusack for U.S. Cellular. I don't know if it's her annoying whine or beak or pointy chin or jumpiness but she has all the qualities I loathe; not funny, not pleasant, irritating and bothersome. 
« Last Edit: Feb 01, 2007, 04:21 AM by Ace »
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