Author Topic: WHAT THE SAMHAIN?!  (Read 3280 times)

Offline Ace

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WHAT THE SAMHAIN?!
« on: Oct 13, 2006, 06:44 AM »
By Bob Lool
Associated Mess
Updated: 3:16 p.m. ET Oct 13, 2006

WASHINGTON - Star panda cub Tai Shunned was busy climbing trees and exploring a waterfall Wednesday at the National Zoo's new Asia Trail exhibit, which opens next week as part of the popular attraction's ongoing makeover and expansion.  A shooting range will be constructed adjacent to the exhibit, to allow visitors to plug a panda during their visit.

The $53 million renovation of nearly six acres about doubles the space for the zoo's three pandas and gives room for a few of their competitors, such as sloth bears and the newly arrived clouded leopards. It also gives visitors, who in the past were kept at a distance, a much closer look and shot at the animals.

"This is a giant leap forward for the National Zoo," said zoo Director John ?Jimmy?  Jack Smith, who joined the staff about a year ago after the Asia Trail of Death construction was underway. "Our goal is to renovate the entire zoo from top to bottom and bring everything up to Asian Shooting Range quality. As part of the expansion, Tai Shunned and mother Mei Eu have full run at the leafy new trees, rocky grottos and shallow pools for dips in the summer. New fog machines surround both visitors and pandas, helping to cool the area and to simulate the animals' natural habitat in China plus their mental state.  "This kind of topography will help keep them dead," said Lisa ?Jeanie? Laura Smith, curator for giant pandas and medical waste. "It's kind of nice to have to go looking for them, especially if you?re armed with a rifle or good sidearm."

Panda father Tian ?Tian? Tian, however, is being kept separate and remains in the pandas' old yard next door, due to breeding practices. Zoo veterinarians are hoping to bring the panda couple together this spring to let them try to beat the living daylights out of each other again. The expanded space probably won't have a direct effect on their chances of breeding success, Stevens said, since ?they couldn?t find a panda in a closet, and wouldn?t have a clue of what to do if they did.?

The Asia Trial Trail is the first element in a 10-year master plan to recreate the zoo at a cost of roughly $500 million ? which, Berry said, will require support from Congress and the private sector. The zoo's largest benefactor has been Pandamonium, which sponsored the giant panda exhibit with a donation approaching $10 million dedicated to their imminent demise.

The pandas are among the zoo's most nauseating attractions and have helped draw crowds expected to reach a record 3 million people this year ? about a million more than last year.  Ammunition alone could reach 7 figures.

In the pandas' new habitat, a winding trail was designed with an eye toward picking them off one by one.  Pine resin coats the trail, to help them get stuck and make it easier to fire a few rounds into each.  ?Not that they know enough to get out of their own way, or a bullet?s? expressed John ?Jackie? James Smith.  ?In case the death count is under what we expect, we are also considering having roadside explosives added to remove the surplus population, which is pretty much every single one of the stinking things.?

Among the newest animals along the Asia Trail are two red panda sisters, which resemble red stuff a panda might cough up, raccoons; a fishing cat, which hunts for her lunch just inches from visitors; and the elusive clouded leopards, which are being displayed at the zoo for the first time.  ?We?re hoping the leopards will take a taste toward pandas, although we sure can?t blame a critter for not wanting to chomp on that.?

Zookeepers have learned that the fishing cats, which are slightly larger than house cats, are comfortable hunting skimmer fish from a transparent tank.  It?s thought that many web-based chatroom participants take their pseudonyms from cats.

"It's very rare," said the zoo's reproductive scientist Joey ?Ho? Hobo. "That's really the glory of studying these animals for so long, to see just how quickly and well they can die off and disappear." "Joey is very popular here," James "Johnny" Jack Smith added.
« Last Edit: Oct 31, 2006, 04:22 AM by Ace »
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Offline Neon

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #1 on: Oct 13, 2006, 11:12 AM »
BEST news of the day!  ;D

I thoroughly enjoy and endorse this article.

However, there is one thing that does not make sense - in the fourth paragraph, somebody named Stevens is quoted, but he/she is not introduced, explained, or justified. Stevens just suddenly appears like a disembodied voice in my reading head, to mention something about pandas in closets. Whaa?

Is this Stevens person a bystander, an imposter, an evil  ursinophile poseur, or something  completely different?
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #2 on: Oct 13, 2006, 12:39 PM »
Something entirely different.  Probably related to Berry.

Ace; dang nitpickers; I don't get paid enough to proof these stupid things.
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Offline Mr. Sam

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #3 on: Oct 14, 2006, 12:26 PM »
The last sentence of the second-to-last paragraph could not apply more to this forum. ;D
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Offline Bill

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #4 on: Oct 14, 2006, 01:07 PM »
well, duh.
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #5 on: Oct 14, 2006, 04:31 PM »
Criminy, M. Sam, why do you have to analyze everything...  

Ace "Bobby" Jester: the middle sentence in the middle paragraph was made up.

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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #6 on: Oct 14, 2006, 04:45 PM »
I always wondered about where the Friday the 13th unlucky thing came from. I happened to catch a show the other day and they were saying it came about because the King of France, back in the olden days, invited the Knights Templar over for dinner one night. Turned out it was all a ruse and the old boy had it in for the Templar gang. He pretty much showed them around his little shop of medieval horrors until they admitted being heretics. (Boy does that sound familiar.)

Anyway, the day they were invited over was said to be a Friday on the 13th. So there you go, that is the story as I understand it.
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Offline Bill

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #7 on: Oct 15, 2006, 07:00 AM »
Well looky here Mr. Criminy, the middle paragraph?  There are 10 paragraphs....

Bill; nothin' stoopid 'bout food.
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #8 on: Oct 15, 2006, 08:22 AM »
Well, food for worms isn't pleasant.

I think I could be a hysteric, but not a very good heretic.  I do know that walking under a cat is bad luck, or having a black ladder.  I don't think 13 is unlucky; I pick it as one of my Hoosier Lotto numbers.

Well, ok, I haven't won, either, but I don't blame it, per se.

I just bought the massive RPG Oblivion, and I chose to be a warrior.  I almost went with Knight, but I liked the default skills better with warrior.  It is one indefinitely long game; I just got out of the sewers and found the city.

Usually I can't find my
well, let's just say it takes me awhile to "get going" on some games.  And after a couple months, I realize "Oh.  You idiot.  You could have just hit "X" and saved yourself each time a goblin tried that... dangit."

Anyway, making someone count paragraphs is almost as good as tricking someone into actually reading them.

Arswen:  I did catch "Little Shop of Horrors" the other day.
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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #9 on: Oct 15, 2006, 03:41 PM »
Shoot, I don?t think it?s unlucky either. I may have mentioned this before, but I was born on the 13th on a Friday way back whenever it was, back then.

I do think it?s bad luck to step on a ladder while you?re riding a black cat though.
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Offline Mr. Sam

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #10 on: Oct 15, 2006, 08:58 PM »
And here I was trying to figure out if the name and update info was counting as a paragraph... ::)

Well, not all worm food is disgusting. Take an apple, that's not disgusting; unless there's a worm in it.

Ace, good to see ya in da gamin' hood. I (don't) know how hectic a jester's schedule can be, so nice to know you're relaxing once in a while. Just be careful about them RPG's. The have a nasty way of hooking you for months. ;)

Mr. Sam; I don't know, I think stepping on a cat while riding a black ladder is pretty bad luck too. Especially if it's Shelby, or Scuzzy, or... err one of the cats, take your pick.
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #11 on: Oct 16, 2006, 03:58 AM »
Years, Sam.  I think Shelby is too big to step on.  Stepping on Scuzzy's cat Alex, with normal sized feet, could be fun.

Parking under a dark tree could be bad luck.  I think for Halloween I'd like to do a life size Stonehenge monument in my yard.  Ooh; even better.  Put it over in Murphy's yard.

The SQUIRRELS were tree hugging yesterday; one had his teeth sunk into our tulip tree out back, near the mushroom growing out of it that I paid to have defungused.  That was money well spent.  

Ace; If I had to pick a cat I'd pick a dog.
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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #12 on: Oct 16, 2006, 04:59 AM »
Oh well, lucky in love, unlucky with trees.
As the saying goes.

I bought myself an actual Halloween getup this past weekend, a local rental place was selling out, so I bought.
It?s sort of a middle age, dark ages sort of thing. I fondly call it my fancy-boy costume. It?s pretty neat, sort of a turquoise color, with the tight leggings and balloon bottom a nice frilly white shirt, and a great tunic with a cape.
Oh, almost forgot and a great tri-colored cap.

Man, I?m going to be styling.
« Last Edit: Oct 16, 2006, 05:01 AM by pat »
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Offline Bill

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #13 on: Oct 16, 2006, 05:15 AM »
How about the funny curly toed shoes?  You could fill in...

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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #14 on: Oct 16, 2006, 05:25 AM »
It?s funny you should ask, I?m sort of at a lose for shoes. Maybe Ace could let me borrow a pair.

Of course I have fairly normal sized feet, so I?m not so sure that would work out.
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #15 on: Oct 16, 2006, 02:28 PM »
Geez Criminy.  I have ABSOLUTELY NORMAL SIZED STINKING FEET for cryin' out loud.

Anyway, what you described isn't at all what Jesters wear.  We're very rarely in turquoise.

So Pat is dressing up like a "middle age" guy?  Big deal, I do that every day.  I won't even comment on your thin legs and balloon bottom.  I don't know if a puffy shirt could draw attention away from all that...

Ace; "fancy-boy costume"... sounds more like nancy-boy costume.


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Offline Bill

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #16 on: Oct 16, 2006, 02:48 PM »
Think 'Arnold.'

"So Pat is dressing up like a "middle age" guy?  Big deal, I do that every day," but no turquoise?  You prefer pink and pale green?

"STINKING FEET", in other words, Panda feet?  
Geez, no wonder.
« Last Edit: Oct 16, 2006, 02:50 PM by Bill »
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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #17 on: Oct 16, 2006, 05:42 PM »
Say now, I ain?t no girly man. Fancy boy, ok.

I think pink and green would be ok, but chartreuse rules.

Hey Ace, you better have an extra margarita on hand just in case a middle age man dressed up for the middle ages in turquoise and purple comes over on Halloween.

Just keep your shoes on, stinking feet indeed.
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #18 on: Oct 17, 2006, 04:21 AM »
Quit calling my feet stinking, because they're not you croutons.

Cretins.  Dangit, I always spell worse when I'm upset.

Look, I'm going to paint one wall of my downstairs bathroom a sort of turquoise teal today, so it's not like I'm prejudiced against sissy colours.  I'm just saying I don't own much of that hue.  I've got one tie and one shirt that's sorta that shade.  And we once rented a Teal Mobile van to go to D.C.  So whether you're AC in D.C. or not is none of my concern, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm not going to make any dang margaritas.  I had a couple drinks last night and my stinking toe is twinging today, so I gotta lay off stuff still.  Stinking uric acid salt crystal crud.

I wouldn't mind a pink shirt or tie.  I think it'd be flashy.  Anyway, I think Sluggo is a Nancy boy.

Ace; what to wear for Halloween... I could grab some stuffed pigs, and a blanket, and go as Pigs In A Blanket.  Ooh, or maybe a Middle Aged Guy.  That'd shock people.   :o or maybe get a big round yellow mask and go as a stupid emoticon. :D
« Last Edit: Oct 18, 2006, 04:24 AM by Ace »
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Offline Ace

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #19 on: Oct 18, 2006, 04:24 AM »
GEEZ CRIMINY TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK OSAMA WAS SPOTTED IN INDIANAPOLIS AT SOME BARRACKS QUICK SHOOT HIM HE'S A

oh.  Hold on a minute... "Obama"... huh.

Ace; I gotta slow down when I'm reading the Tribune during breakfast.  I hate it when I get Parkay on the Sports Section, too.
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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #20 on: Oct 18, 2006, 04:46 AM »
It?s not Parkay it?s??

Well, it?s fat, plain and simple. Dang artery clogging, toe swelling fat.

Hey, how bout dem Bears. Gosh, that other guy from the other team, he was sure mad. He just about knocked that microphone out, that?s for sure.
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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #21 on: Oct 18, 2006, 06:44 AM »
Well, yeah, Dennis Green is fat.  But he wouldn't appreciate your pointing that out, either.

Apparently he knows who the Bears are.  Apparently his offensive coordinator did not.  I'm sure the change will do wonders for their loser performance.

Not.  You know, being our state bird, we have a lot of cardinals in our yard.  They are a chirpy but not particularly fierce creature.  Not a bear, that's for sure.

Stanford is the Cardinal, but that's just the color.  Like Crimson Tide.  Except cardinal.  Where they got the tree mascot is beyond me.  Probably from being Indians, way back when (huh).

I chipped one of my front teeth on a microphone, when I was a teenager.  Never got it fixed, since it still works.  Orthodontia would be a waste of money on me.

Ace; and waste of discomfort, in my estimation.  Also, my toes lost weight once the gout left.
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Offline Bill

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #22 on: Oct 19, 2006, 05:59 AM »
One would think a lot of the NFL coachs could qualify as nose guards.  

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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #23 on: Oct 20, 2006, 05:13 AM »
Michiana Tribune:  For immediate release.

For 40 exhausting minutes, Bob Lool battled a panda with his bare hands in his bedroom.

Lool finally subdued the stinking beast that crashed through a bedroom window at his home early Friday morning. When it was over, blood splattered the walls, and the panda lay dead on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.

Lool was at his home when he heard glass breaking, and then found the Panda. Evidently it was the smoke and noise from the neighbor's two-cycle Lawnboy that confused the beast and caused it to loose its direction.

The panda ran down the hall and into the master bedroom -- "jumping back and forth across the bed," he said.

Lool, about 6-feet-1 and 200 pounds, entered the bedroom to confront the panda and, after a brief struggle, told his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Lool finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.

Lool then dragged the dead animal out of the house and was said to utter the most guttural shriek imaginable. Observers were said to have been taken aback not only by the prehistoric sound of his triumphant scream but also by the deadly glare in eyes.
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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #24 on: Oct 20, 2006, 06:05 AM »
Guys... it's not Friday the 13th any more. Get over it...

Ok, anyway, that was quite a slam-bang action film, there.  Although Bob Lool sounds like an idiot, and a real lightweight.  I'd burn the bed, if a stinking panda ever encountered mine.

I'm not even going to attempt to mock the news story of the day of the panda biting off the thumb of the moron who tried to feed it...  I mean, what else can you say?

You know, in Elder Scrolls/Oblivion you can punch people with your bare hands, but I'm liking the steel sword, claymore and mace right now.  I did punch a rat to death, in starting the game.

Hopefully Storm Team 16 will predict imminent arctic blasts and lake effect stupidity to freeze any local panda population to death.  Although the cougars will probably remain, along with coyotes and giant squirrels.

ace; John Cougar is from Indiana.
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Offline pat

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Re:UNLUCKY FRIDAY 13TH NEWS
« Reply #25 on: Oct 21, 2006, 04:47 PM »
Burn the bed, how about the panda?

I love a good barbecue.

If you need some wood, let me know??..

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Re:OK SUNDAY THE 22ND NEWS geez
« Reply #26 on: Oct 22, 2006, 08:41 AM »
We're not allowed to burn pandas or wood or leaves, unless they're in a closed container with a cover and water handy.

Yes, I said a covered closed container.  We're that paranoid about fire here.

Much like poison ivy being even more insidious and damaging when burned and inhaled, so is the flammable panda.  You breathe in one of those and you may as well go for the iron lung, Jack.  

Do they even make iron lungs anymore?  They used to be a hot seller during my childhood in the Polio Era.  I guess now it's more the era of STDs and things like that.  Heh; I guess you'd need an iron

Ok, never mind.  Anyway, the chances of me catching a STD is next to none.

Ace; unless I try to hook up with a toilet seat somewhere...
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Offline pat

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Re:OK SUNDAY THE 22ND NEWS geez
« Reply #27 on: Oct 22, 2006, 11:08 AM »
OK then.

I read the news today. Oh boy, they were reporting how the Tarus was to be put out of production this week. With only 7 million produced they are expected to become collectors items. Wish I had one.

And what about the Michigan State come from behind with only one quarter left to win the dang thing? I guess that helps from the beating ND gave them a little while back.


And stay away from those South Tennessee democrats.
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Re:OK SUNDAY THE 22ND NEWS geez
« Reply #28 on: Oct 22, 2006, 04:24 PM »
The South Tennessee ones are the worst.  I gave away my Vols cap last year, and now I wish I had it back.  I do have an Arkansas Razorpigs cap, so I can wear that proudly.

Stinking Wildcats are named for cats, so that figures they'd choke.  If they had their dead coach back I bet they'd be better.

Well.. I guess a dead coach isn't the best way to go...  Unless it's Knute or Halas or Lombardi or one of those.   Otherwise, I guess they may as well stay with a live guy.  I still think John Smith is good as dead, or as soon as Mariucci shows up outside East Lansing.

Ace; great, my Taurus is a collector's item.  Right up there with a Studebaker soon enough.
Ring bells for service.

Offline pat

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Lookout, it's now Monday the 23rd
« Reply #29 on: Oct 23, 2006, 05:55 AM »
AP Wireless Release;

Paranormal Observers Puzzled By Blob on the Beach

Call it for the moment for the blob, or the creature from the deep. An enigmatic lump of gelatinous flesh washed ashore on the coast of Chile is puzzling marine scientists.

"We have never seen such a strange creature before," said Mike Hunt, director of the centre for paranormal events in Santiago. "We don't know if it might be a giant marine aquatic panda that is missing some of its parts, or maybe it is a new species."

The blob is a lump of decomposing black and white flesh the size of a small bus. It measures at least 12 meters and lies on the southern Pacific beach like a large and disgusting blanket. It was first reported as a beached whale, but it was not a whale's skin: too big and without the correct texture or smell, according to Hunt.

Paranormal experts who went for a closer look pronounced the flesh as having once belonged to a land-based vertebrate that has evolved to live in the sea. The tissue seemed round, like a jellyfish, but leathery to touch. Creatures hitherto unknown to paranormal observers still pop up at intervals along shores and estuaries. The Chinese in 1992 reported a mysterious river-borne creature that made for food, enveloped it and moved on. It turned out to be a carnivorous panda called a greasy slime mould panda. Normally these are tiny and hang around in compost heaps and rotting logs. This one was the size of a St Bernard dog and seemed to swim in the Shaanxi river.

But saltwater greasy slime mould pandas are unlikely. The betting for the moment is that the blob will turn out to be the remains of a giant aquatic panda. The largest of these ever found was washed ashore in New Zealand more than 100 years ago. It measured 60ft from tip to tail, had eyes the size of hubcaps and weighed a ton.


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