Author Topic: MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS  (Read 1263 times)

Offline Ace

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MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« on: Sep 08, 2006, 07:41 AM »
BEIJING - Staff at a zoo in southwest China are in laughter after a sleep-deprived panda dropped her two-day-old baby and crushed it to death, local media reported on Friday.

?It was very sudden, but also unavoidable, since disaster follows these things like stink follows? well, them,? Guar Gum, panda department chief at Chongqgqa city zoo in the southwestern region of Chongqgqqgaville, told the Chongqggqqariffic Business News daily annual monthly Times.

Ya Ya, a seven-year-old panda and new mother of twins, ?appeared tired? when nursing the younger cub in a patch of grass, the paper said.  ?She then appeared unconscious, and she then appeared to fall over on the tiny hairless ratlike vermin spawn.  I?ll tell ya, we were laughing our ya ya?s off when she creamed the little lizard.  I mean, just the thought that they breed at all is disgusting enough, but to see one of the little moles squirt out is enough to make you lose your lunch, on the bus to work.?  Zoo workers were seen trying to lure the single mother to her remaining little slug, so that they might be able to push her over onto it, too.  
« Last Edit: Sep 20, 2006, 01:40 PM by Ace »
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Offline Ace

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Re:NATURE CALLS, AND HANGS UP
« Reply #1 on: Sep 08, 2006, 09:46 AM »
Me and Jack Bauer, on a slow boat to China.

I don't know how long their memories are, if they remember they're hungry an hour after eating.  

Ace; just looking at a Panda newborn you know they're up to no good.
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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #2 on: Sep 20, 2006, 01:41 PM »
BEIJING - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal?s back, state media said Wednesday.  The victim nearly died a horrible death, and the panda put itself to sleep as they typically are anyway, as far as anyone can tell.
Zhang Xbox, from the central province of Henankin, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Glu Glu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.  A jug is a considerable amount of beer, and is the typical serving at Hooters restaurants.
?He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand,? and jumped into the enclosure and to conclusions. The panda, who was asleep, as far as anyone can tell, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. Observers think the panda may have continued to bite yet another leg, but it ran out of them. A tussle ensued, the paper said.  ?I bit the fellow in the back,? Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. ?Its skin was quite thick. And disgusting, let me tell ya.  Boy, did it stink, too.  I don?t know what I was thinking, except of course thinking of being really drunk.?  Authorities talked of having Zhang take part in a public service health film that would be shown in area high schools, warning teenagers of the risk of mixing alcohol with petting.
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Pandas naturally are very allergic to soap, and water. Zhang was hospitalized, even though he wasn?t breathing.  Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.  After holding his breath for the entire ambulance run, in fear of inhaling more stink, he was able to breathe on his own.
?I don?t know if they?re poisonous, or venomous, or that they just stink worse than stink stinks.?
The Beijing Youth-A-Day Li quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and ?they seemed to get along well with people.  Well, as far as vermin ever get along with people. No one ever said they would bite people,? Zhang said. ?I just wanted to touch it. Like you?d want to touch fire, or toxic waste, or someone really ugly who smells bad. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don?t remember much. Of course, just thinking about it now makes me want to hurl.?  ?From the beer, or the panda?? asked a passing jester.  ?Yeah?? answered Zhahnga.
Ming Teh Mircilis, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Glu Glu was ?healthy, which of course is unfortunate, since everyone wants to see this stinking things dead. Maybe she?ll pick up some disease from the poor drunk who bit her back.?
?We?re thinking of some award for the idiot,? Ye said in a telephone interview. ?He?s suffered quite a bit of shock, and although it makes us sick to our stomachs to think about it he at least tried to hurt the thing.  Of course, we rather he had kept on kicking it, to death.?

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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #3 on: Sep 20, 2006, 05:18 PM »
Look, I don't write the news.

Sure, I edit it and enhance it and alter it and modify it and tweak it and subterfuge it and beat on it with a stick, but that's all.  I'm not like Katie Couric with her maniacal Joker grin, dishing off fluff stories to her stooge reporters while she performs like a Hostess at IHOP.

Truth is stranger than fiction, at least in China.  I did see the NBC Brian Williams bit on pandas, where the one crawled into the guy's lap and stuck its head in his crotch and put its butt in his face.  Seriously, I almost lost my lunch, and it was still in a baggie in the fridge.

I'm guessing a Pndau is one of those new Ford-Renaults, or a Nissan-GMC.  I don't care if Ford does downsize and only makes tiny cars, since I'm betting the plant they close isn't the one in Mexico.

Ace; without mentioning pizza, that's about as far of a left turn as I can take this one.


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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #4 on: Sep 21, 2006, 04:34 AM »
There's nothing "natural" about a panda, any more than any other alien spawn borne from the depths of perdition through the eternal flames of perpetual sorrow in the abyss from which springs all human suffering.  

Well, or China, trying to enact an industrial revolution.  Whichever.

Otherwise, I am sorry to see them in the news so often lately, since besides nauseating me causes a lot more work modifying these stupid Reuters news blips into something more palatable than the original event.  I wish pandas would each spinach instead of bamboo, because I could see them at least being useful in using up our current surplus.  Kill two problems with one salad, as it were.

Pandas: intelligent design or evolution?

Yeah, right...  How about "Joke Of The Universe" or "Proof the Devil Exists" or "Some Things Will Forever Remain A Mystery, Plus Make you Feel Sick."

Ace; stinking things stink.
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Offline Bill

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #5 on: Sep 22, 2006, 10:26 AM »
You should both enjoy this link, for different reasons, of course.
http://tinyurl.com/8rzxo

And Ace, this one is for you!
http://tinyurl.com/efsq4
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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #6 on: Sep 22, 2006, 11:56 AM »
Pflorg indeed.

See?! I told you guys they stink.  Criminy, the stink from that batch almost came right through the monitor.

Thanks ever so much for sharing.  And they said torture is against the Geneva convention.

Ace; I'd like to waterboard a panda.
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Offline pat

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #7 on: Oct 02, 2006, 08:13 AM »
I just came across this article, just thought I'd share.  ;)

Reuters:

Researchers have found new information through the reexamination of a Panda fossil that resided in the American Museum of Natural History (also known as Stinkus Stink). By analyzing some of its anatomy, conclusions were made about their eating and hunting practices. Bones found in the ribcage area of the Panda's fossil is actually not of its own species, but of that of a slug that roamed the earth many, many years ago.
 
It was also revealed that the remains of a young Panda was located outside of the remains of an adult and not inside. It is now thought that the adult Panda had crushed the younger Panda to death and not on purpose. It took further scrutiny to realize that through the decaying process, their bones began to overlap, causing the picture that the adult Panda had eaten the younger specimen.
 
Through these new pieces of information, researchers now want to set the record straight and let everyone know that cannibalism should not be associated with the Panda species. They simply didn?t take part in that sort of eating habit.
 
These findings have also led to the questioning of many other theories related to cannibalism throughout the Panda. These concerns were printed in the latest Biology Letters journal, which takes a look at how common the practice of eating their own really was, especially among the Stink category of Pandas.
 
There were additional pieces of evidence, which at first, seemed to support the belief of cannibalism throughout the Panda species. Looking back at them, they really didn?t provide much direct evidence to support the claim. The details centered on digested material and casts made from their intestinal tracts. Basically, the evidence was too weak to enter as substantial.
 

« Last Edit: Oct 02, 2006, 11:20 AM by pat »
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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #8 on: Oct 03, 2006, 04:18 AM »
I'd say the talent of Pflorg.  I hate these fake news stories, because I can't tell if they're real or fake.

My take on cannibalism was the suggestion that the leftovers on "The Biggest Loser" have to consume the person they vote off.  I'm also still waiting for the "Survivor" when some tribe member gets really upset about the lying and conniving and kills a fellow tribe member in his sleep on the beach.

And eats him.  Cool.  

I'm ambivalent on this one.  I mean, Pandas are disgusting stupid stinking creatures, which everyone knows.  But, as stupid and disgust and stinking as they are I still think they'd find eating a panda revolting.  So I guess the question is are they so completely without sense and decency they'd even eat each other, or is that over the line even for a panda?

Ac;e I don't care, since they stink and who cares.
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Offline pat

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #9 on: Oct 03, 2006, 04:45 AM »
I tried to lookup the meaning of Pflorg, but I couldn?t find it. So, now I don?t know if that?s a good thing to have or not.

Umm, ok.

It must be good because there seems to be much of the Pflorg going around, especially in an election year.
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Offline Ace

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Re:MORE STINKING PANDA NEWS
« Reply #10 on: Oct 03, 2006, 04:55 AM »
I'd like to see attack ads on pandas.  Heck, I'd just like to see an attack on pandas.

I'm playing F.E.A.R. now, which is scary and has gobs of shooting, but at least it doesn't involve shooting pandas which would be albeit fun but gross.  The stupidist animal attack game I ever played was a SouthPark video game my sister in law gave me one Xmas; you had to throw snowballs at attacking turkeys.  Lots and lots of them at lots and lots of them.  The all time most tedious, bothersome stupid game ever.  I finally was crushed by a mechanical giant turkey on a rooftop, and the game wouldn't save midway so I had to go waaay back to the beginning.  That was it, for me.

Ace; who cares if anyone cares about pandas, because nobody does and I don't.
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