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THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD

Started by Ace, January 20, 2005, 06:28 hrs

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Ace

No, not "death."  Actually, I don't know if you feel much of anything during death..  Maybe you just stop feeling, entirely.  And then just stop being, entirely.  Although I don't know how you'd know you're no longer around to know you're not there.  You know?

No, not the really horrific horrible feelings of life, like losing a person or puppy or kitten (but not a cat; that wouldn't be all that traumatic) or a bad illness or house fire or stuff like that.. Geez Louise, people, this is the Funny Bone!  Stuff's supposed to be light-hearted and mirthy and jovial and like a Jester would produce or a couple of people split by Ohio, also known as The Great Divide and Land Of The Lost and Middle Earth...  So, while Bill is struggling to come up some funny site-names and keep the New Material poast from dying on the vine, I thought as a sidelight we could present some of the lousy yet sorta funny things that cause us to cringe, especially if we do them to ourselves...  And so, Worst Feelings in The World that aren't exactly deadly but are regrettable:

STARTING YOUR CAR WHEN IT'S ALREADY STARTED
This happens to people who either have cars that run pretty darn quietly and without vibration, or have really no short term memory or attention span.  That horrible grinding of turning the key while the engine's running is like a dentist's drill going right through you frontal lobe, to my way of thinking..

SITTING DOWN IN YOUR CAR SEAT WHILE HAVING SCISSORS IN YOUR BACK POCKET
Only because I did this, once, in our Lumina.  I had the scissors in the back pocket of my shorts, since we had just gone for a walk.  They were point up, since I didn't want to damage the shorts.  I don't remember why I had scissors; I know I wasn't running with them.  But anyway for some reason I went out to the car to get something and sat down and felt a puncture and tug under me and went numb.  And, yes, they ripped right through the side bolster.  And, yes, I cursed a great many things, on heaven and earth.  Mostly myself.  Dang, it costs to get a seat repaired..

TOURING PENNSYLVANIA 20 MPH OVER THE SPEED LIMIT WHEN YOU COME UPON THE STATE POLICEMAN AROUND THE BEND
I had passed a 3 trailer UPS truck in our Tempo at 75 mph or so, which is harder than you'd think.  And PA only had 55 for speed limit, which is still mostly does.  And he was wearing shades and an authoritative stare and weapons and shiny boots and crisp uniform and he pointed at me and then offroad ahead of him and I saluted him and pulled over.  He said I was speeding and I said I know.  I explained why, to get around the behemoth.  He sympathised with me.  Then wrote up the ticket for $85 or so.  Which I had to mail back into the Somerset courts.  And I started to think "What could one buy with $85..?" and felt like crying.  I'm glad though he didn't shoot me.  I could've shot myself.

NOT BEING ABLE TO TURN YOUR IGNITION KEY WHILE PARKED AT TARGET ON A QUICK RUN FROM WORK
Yes, another car one.  This happened recently; the ignition was locked up.  Couldn't move it any direction.  Absolutely frozen (not a cold day..).  No cell phone; the wife carries it.  Too far to walk back to work.  I jiggled and jiggled and pounded the son of a and jiggled some more.  Finally broke free and turned... hasn't done it since.  I fear it will.  Probably at a worse place/time.

YOUR DOG GREETS YOU AT THE DOOR WITH A BALEFUL EXPRESSION AFTER YOU'VE THROWN OUT THE TURKEY CARCASS AND A COFFEE CAN OF USED OIL
She had gotten into both, in the trash.  It was coming out of both ends.  Turkey has an effect on dogs even worse than humans.  And cooking oil acts as an accelerant.  What a goshawful mess.

YOU SEE A STRAY CAT CROSSING YOUR YARD AND REALIZE IT'S BLACK WITH A WHITE STRIPE DOWN ITS BACK
The skunk has a route that goes through our yard.... I actually watched it walking down the sidewalk one evening.  And crossing the road (I thought it a squirrel as I drove up; but couldn't figure why a squirrel would be out at night, and was that large).  I'm afraid we're gonna meet, at some point.

YOU TURN OFF OF 23 AND GO BLIND IN YOUR RIGHT EYE
Happened this summer... I turn off the main road for a side street to home, and suddenly my vision is blurred... I'm thinking "What in the world... eyelash?  Torn retina?  Stroke??" and I'm trying to drive with just my left eye and not a lot of depth perception and I'm trying to rub my eye to see if there is an eyelash that's somehow blocked my view and I find my finger goes right through my glasses to my eye
and I realize the lens somehow popped out, completely.  I find it on my lap.  I hate having my glasses break, but at that point it seems better than the other options I was considering.

USING THE MILKSHAKE TO HIT THE DOOR LOCK WHEN YOU GET HOME
Yes, from experience.  Even I learn from that, over time.  Had the bag of food and a shake... had the pop up door locks.  Figure to hit the lock with the shake.  Didn't consider the effect of a puncture wound on the bottom of the cup.  I know, you wouldn't have done that... That's what makes me different than you, doesn't it.

REMEMBERING THE THING YOU NEEDED TO GET AT THE STORE THAT YOU DIDN'T WRITE DOWN BECAUSE YOU KNEW YOU'D REMEMBER
when you get home.  Dangit.

DECIDING TO TWEAK YOUR BIOS TO GET THAT LAST LITTLE BIT OF PERFORMANCE TO YOUR PERFECTLY FINELY FUNCTIONING DANG VIDEO CARD
and finding your icons are gone, and are never to return, when you get to the desktop.  It's funny how attached one can get to those... and how tedious it is to try to access every stinking thing through a 3 finger salute.  I could also mention "Noticing a little countdown pop up that your computer is about to shut down, as  a surprise" and learning all about Sasser.  I'm surprised this thing works at all, let alone well, with me in the room with it.

Well, that's enough to start.  Let's hear some more, just so I won't look like the only maroon here.  Please.

AC/BC; can you say "Me so stupid"?  I can.


Ring bells for service.

Ace

I was thinking more along the lines of "DON'T HAVE IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE", but those seem to be good tips.  I did pound on the wheel, with my fists, so I would think that could have been the 'loosening it up' part.  And I did spray it with graphite stuff, after.  

I don't know what you mean by the "unused original key" stored somewhere.  Where?  

Bbob.
Ring bells for service.

Ace

Sure I got two sets of keys.  What do you think I am, cheap?  My wife gets one set and I get one set.  I go to Meier's to have keys cut (they do ok with them there, too).  So there's a few sets around.  As far as "saving" one in a cookie jar somewhere... well, no.  That'd just be wrong.  Wasteful.  Geez, a key is meant to be used.  A key without a lock is a key without purpose, without meaning...

You know, I still have a key for my Neon.  If I ever find it parked somewhere, it could be mine...  Not that I'd want it.  Stupid squeaky crummy fragile heap.

The rest of your story was interesting and imaginative.  Fiction, but written ok.

A.B.
Ring bells for service.

scuzzy

Johnny gave you the right advice, and this can/will happen with just about any car built since the 70s.

Sometimes the ignition will appear to freeze hard. This is usually caused by turning the steering wheel after shutting the car off and removing the key, forcing it to the next locking stop. The further that the steering wheel travels to the next locking stop, the harder it becomes to turn the ignition.

Usually, the steering wheel only travels a tad to the next stop, so normally it doesn't pose a problem. Sometimes, the steering wheel will be in just the right position when the car is shut off, and then travels quite a bit to the next stop.

For example, while using the steering wheel for support while getting in or out of the car, you inadvertantly turn the steering wheel a few inches to the next locking cog inside the steering column. Since the car is not running (thus no power steering) there remains a mechanical force that puts firm pressure against the ignition locking mechanism. When you try to turn the ignition key, it appears to be frozen.

The solution is to firmly turn the steering wheel in such a manner that it releases the pressure from the locking mechanism. Releasing the pressure will allow the ignition key to freely turn.

Experiment while the car sits in your drive way, and you'll soon see what I'm writing about.

Bottom line: It's your fault.
Solution: Turn youself in at your local jail.
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Ace

WHY IS EVERY DANG THING i DO ALWAYS MY FAULT??!!

Criminy.

Ok, I can see me getting in and out of my car with my hands in the air not touching the wheel...  That alone would be worth the price of admission.  And probably locking up some part of my anatomy...

Of course Johnny gave me the right advice.  Johnny always gives the right advice.  Whether it's foto linking or audio editing or venturing downstairs with an open flame to see if the gas really is leaking, it's all good.

I trust all of you.  That's usually my downfall..  I can just see me "practicing" with my steering wheel, shoving it this way and that with the car off, until I'm able to manually lock the dang thing up myself.  And then I can say, "Why, I understand this mechanism quite well now.  I have managed to force it into a compromising position and have rendered my motor vehicle useless.  And intentionally so." And then I can add "And, if I had preserved an original key in pristine condition buried somewhere in my yard, this is the time I could go in search of it with scissors, taking care to place them point up in my back pocket so as to rip up my own driver's seat upon next entering my immovable object that was my Taurus, before I saw fit to make it my "4 wheel casette player."  "  I lost track of the dang quotes, too. "

And my name's not Bob, dangit.  And I don't much like cats.
Ring bells for service.

Buffalo2102

Worst feeling in the world....

Going up to a miserable-looking mate and saying "sheesh, who died?" and then finding out it was their brother, that afternoon.  (this is the Funny Bone isn't it?).

Buying a brand new top-of-the-range PVR, setting it to record something and leaving it for a couple of hours, only to find when you return that the dog (Scud) has eaten the remote control and replacement remotes are not available seperately.

That feeling when you shut the front door behind you just as you realise that you have left the keys inside....

The feeling when you borrow someones car and realise that you have just filled it with Diesel when it should have been unleaded......

Reading through the first poast in this thread and then realising that there's actually more......

*Sigh*  This is depressing just thinking about all these things.
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Ace

Hey, Jude.
Those were great.  I mean, sad, but great.  That's what the doctor ordered.  And I figured that about 90% of the horrible feelings I get aren't the "norm" for most people.  Boy, that diesel one would really be tough.  Well, and the dead thing, too.

I was just remembering that, at my dad's funeral, we set it up to play CD's that he liked/would have liked and had it piped into the viewing room.  My aunt/his sister comes in, looks around puzzled, and asks "Is someone singing in there?"  And I'm thinking; "Yes.  Right. We hired a lounge singer to perform in the break area of the funeral home just for this occasion."  Geez.

Ok; people. Keep them coming. Buffalaw stepped up. You know you guys have experienced some startling(ly stupid) stuff too, so let's hear it.  I don't like it when I appear dumber than the other poasters.

I get used to it, sure, but I don't like it.

I shall remain nameless, for the time being.

Ring bells for service.

Bill

Excuding New Orleans, I don't think I've ever heard music, let alone singing, at a viewing.  'Course I don't go to viewings but then.  

If you ask enough people, everything becomes "normal".  I think we should let the "dumber" comment, as furtile as it might be, alone.   There used to be a fellow here that got annoyed over "dumb" and "stupid" jokes  - we should show better taste.  

Bill; smarter than the average bear, which isn't saying a whole lot.
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Ace

Now look, if I'm going to claim I'm stupid nobody's gonna talk me out of it, dangit.  I know dumb is relative.  Especially my wife's relatives.

I understood about 15% of Johnny's story.  I still enjoyed it, but that's usually how it goes with me.  I blame him for that, too.

Here's a strange, maybe group feeling; Our President's 2nd Inaugral Inaugrual Inagral oh the "I'll take the job" speech commemorating the pursuit of freedom everywhere in the world even to the darkest reaches, while our capitol is in lock-down and under the highest of security alerts.  

I'm surprised no one has come up with:

SIGNING INTO THE CHATROOM AND SEEING A NEW POAST BY BOBCAT or ENTERING THE FUNNY BONE AND SEEING AC I MEAN BOBCAT HAS ANSWERED EVERY POAST

I mean, if I were you, that'd make me sick.  



How ironical, as my dad would say.  
Ring bells for service.

pat

Getting a new set of knives and running your finger along the edge of one to see if they were as sharp as advertised, they were.

Going to pick up an ice cream cake on an 80-degree day, setting the cake and the car keys down in the trunk, while wrapping the cake in a towel so it didn?t melt on the way home. After I shut the trunk I spent at least 20 minutes retracing my steps to try and find those keys before in dawned on me where they were.  Took another 45 minutes for someone to come and bail me out, another 30 minutes to get home with the cake. It was still frozen and everything turned out ok.

Sanding a floor with a drum sander and having the breaker blow. Went downstairs and turned the breaker back on and listened to the sander go crashing into the wall.

Taking the clean-out plug off of the drain line to the sewer to unblock a clog and having someone forget what you were doing and flush.
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Bill

If I were you, that's a joke,son, I'd be tired and my fingers would be sore.  As it is, it's only my seat.

I surprised the security isn't tighter here.  They seem to let all manner of creatures (and people) belong.

?

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Ace

Boy, pat, those were sure st

Funny.  They were funny.  That's what I was going to say.  

You reminded me of when I was using a floor buffer at the Sears store in the early morning hours during my summer/college job, and it wrapped the cord and unplugged.  And I plugged it back in.  And it spun and caught me right in the ... guts.  Stupid machine.  I think it's ok to call inanimate objects stupid.  Me, and inanimate objects.  Not like I'm all that animated, either.

Our basement used to flood with sewage during heavy storms when the storm/sewer lines were a combined "1."  So we had to tighten the shut off valve off, to block all outgoing and ingoing.  and I remember yelling Don't Flush!  Don't Flush! While using our downstairs toilet.  And then, of course, muscle memory being what it is, hit the handle.  And watched the tsunami rise up toward me.

?!; does a drum sander sound like a drum when it hits the wall?

Ring bells for service.

Englishman

My turn...

A couple of months ago I suspected my wife of having an affair. That's bad enough. You try going to work with this nagging feeling of "what is she doing?" going in your head.

She uses E-Mail a lot so I tried to hack into her account. No good. So I downloaded some spy software. You know the kind, it takes screenshots every thirty seconds or so. I install it, activate it and wait for her to check her mail.

Eventually she does and I wait for her ot finish. Only when she does finish she wants us to watch television.

"Oh I will in a minute love, I will just check my email"
"You already checked it"

Checkmate. I have to go and sit and watch television with the most excruciating feeling of curiousity ever. Eventually she goes to bed and I race to the computer, load up the spy software and check out the screenshots.

The guy I suspect her to be having an affair with has emailed her, I read it and feel like an arse. I won't divulge the contents, but it is quite clear that she isn't having an affair. I uninstall the program and reboot.

As the computer is booting back up, it flashes to the DOS screen and I get a message telling me that Windows crashed on the previous reset and to choose one of the options.

The options were 'Safe Mode', 'Use last working settings', 'Boot up as normal', etc. No matter what option I choose, Windows begins to boot up, and then the computer resets.

My HDD, I figure, is corrupt. I panic. ALL of my wife's University work is on this computer. ALL of my work is on this computer. I mean it hasn't been reformatted since 2003 and the backing up process for the upcoming reformat is taking days. THAT's how much stuff is on here.

I have no idea how to fix it, so tired I go to bed. I accidently wake her up. She asks what's wrong.

Smart answer - "Nothing love"
Stupid answer - "Computer is gone. All work is lost"

I chose the latter. She panics. She has an exam the following day but can't sleep now through worry. She gets pains in her chest. I calm her and tell her I can fix it. I tell her I will come home early from work. She finally goes back to sleep.

I've never felt so bad in all my life. First suspecting my wife, then realising I was stupid to suspect her, then realising my method of trying to suspect her put both of our entire livelyhoods on the line.

Happily I did fix the computer and everything is back to normal. She doesn't know what really happened and she never will.

I learned my lesson though. Next time I will hire a private detective.

Ace

That's funny; I just got another email from Englishman's wife...

No no no.. I'm sorry.  I couldn't resist.  That was a great short story.  It could be a CSI episode.  And just what I'd expect would happen if I tried to do something like that.  

Bobpants; That'd be weird if she emailed this guy from work and said "he fell for the computer crashing ploy"...
Ring bells for service.

Englishman

Quote from: JohnnyOH on January 21, 2005, 06:24 hrs
Dude! She knows now!

And what's up with leaving out the best part?


Snooping around someone's private emails is bad enough, divulging the contents of those emails on internet message boards is past a line even I won't cross.

She won't know I posted this episode here anyway. After all I don't use 'Favourites' or Auto Complete.

Mind you.... unless she's got that spyware running.

Now there is a thought!

pat

You could try what I do.
Now, mind you, this may sound a bit old-fashioned.
I trust her.
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Englishman

Quote from: pat on January 21, 2005, 07:17 hrs
You could try what I do.
Now, mind you, this may sound a bit old-fashioned.
I trust her.


You trust my wife? Brave thing to do since you've never met her.

Look, Pat, I know I am the bad guy of the piece. So understand me, I do trust her. If I didn't trust her then I wouldn't have been married for as long as I have been.

However sometimes things happen. Wires are crossed and thoughts are born. This doesn't mean that the deep trust between husband and wife is severed, it just means that worries linger around it.

Ace

I don't trust any of you, especially pat.  After we went out to Hacienda for a margarita again, she said all sorts of things about him that I could hardly believe...

I trust Bill.  I trust he'll show up here soon today.

I don't even trust myself.  I don't even know who I am, anymore.  Maybe a "CSI: Michiana" could find out.  Or "Missing Persons."  Heck, I'd rather watch Poppy on there, anyway.

SquareBob; sponge pants. They help.
Ring bells for service.

Englishman

Pat doesn't trust my wife?! I'm saddened.

I mean I trust his, the least he could do is return the favour. I trust everyones wife to be honest and if they're not married yet, then I trust them to find a wife who I can trust.

Sorry, what were we supposed to be talking about again, trust me to take us off topic.


Buffalo2102

Quote from: JohnnyOH on January 21, 2005, 07:16 hrs
 ???CSI: Manchester, England

(for Englishman: you might not know that we here in USA have at least three
CSI shows on the tele.)

CSI means Crime Scene Investigation.
Las Vegas, Miami and New York are CSI shows here.

There is a standing (or is it running?) joke about what city will be next to have a CSI show named after it.
So, CSI: Manchester, England is not as far-fetched as it might appear.)

Hey JOH.
We get the CSI shows here too.  Las Vegas and Miami anyway, I haven't seen any New York yet.  We also get the many different flavours of Law & Order, Star Trek, etc. etc.  and I think we're on series 294 of Friends.

Boy, when you guys find a successful franchise you sure like to milk it.....

Still, I guess it's more work for us actors.
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Bill

Nice to know one is trusted for something.
Worst feeling in the world not to be trusted, by someone.

We seem to "milk" poasts as well, each is sort of its own franchise.  Maybe we could "franchise" these and have them simultaneously "posted" on forums around the world for the enjoyment of all.  I can think of a forum or two where they would be well received.

Jack Malone would probably a better choice, but in your case, you leave traces everywhere, 3200 of them.

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Buffalo2102

No, "we actors" are small scottish actors.  And it's "wee" not "we".

We (us Brits) get US shows that are bought by the UK broadcasters.  Notably channel 5 (recently imaginatively renamed "five") have a regular evening slot called "America's Finest" where they show back-to-back shows as follows;

9pm - CSI Miami
10pm - CSI Las Vegas
11pm - Law & Order SVU
12pm - Something else about American crime-fighting.

By the end of the evening you feel as though most people are either dead, in jail or in the police force.  That's not to say that I don't enjoy it.  In fact, I am a big fan of CSI and Law & Order - Criminal Intent.  Not such a fan of L & O - SVU because Iced T's acting kind of puts me off.  Anyway, I'm usually asleep before the end of that lot.

Jude
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Bill

Criminal Intent would be less annoying if Detective what's his face would stop bending and cranning his neck to look at the perps in the face.  What an annoying affection.  Besides, anybody that smart should be something other than a NYC Detective.

Now be careful  with the "wee" comments. laddie.

If your big enough to haegus there not much "wee" about us.

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Buffalo2102

Hee hee.  Where a kilt on a cold day in the Scottish highlands and you will be "wee",  I'll tell ya that laddie!

Detective what's his face is a bit freaky I'll grant you that.  And I have also wondered what a clever sod like that is doing slumming it in the police force when he could clearly just go on some quiz show and win a fortune or become a highly-paid consultant or something.  Then I realised that it's just made up and they are only acting really.

Detective Goren, that's his name.  (well, actually it's Vincent D'Onofrio but I think I'd stick to the character name if I was him).
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Bill

And it had to be "William"

Bill; formerly a cop
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Ace

Here's another "Worst Feeling":

You've been arrested in NY, and are under interrogation by a weird twitchy bending craning staring confrontational Detective Goren, who is sarcastically challenging your every comment
when
suddenly
he turns into a giant cockroach and eats you.

AlienBob
Ring bells for service.

Bill

In NYC it would probably be a giant rat, or just an average size NYC rat.  Just as hard to kill and almost as ugly.  Fortunately rats nibble not consume.  They start with  no nevermind.

Baggins

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pat

Englishman,
You know, I thought about this today.
If I spoke out of turn, please accept my apologies. It just seemed sort of extreme.
pat
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Englishman

Nah we're cool. I just don't want anyone to think I fly off the handle about this sort of thing.

No need to apologise.

Ace

Well, let me say, your both nuts.

One, for insinuating your wife is having an affair with pat, and you need to download spyware just to see if you can freeze the activity on your computer.

The other, for thinking you're ok with having your wife meet me for drinks every so often.

Well, not that often.  I mean, never, at this point.  But still, it could happen.  Who's to say?  Not me, that's for sure.  

And I think we're all in agreement that Poppy rules, down under.  Although she's getting kinda thin, and weird in her poses.  Probably figured out she's pretty hot, and trying to be cool.

I guess we've all been there, huh.

Also, I'd like to apologize to Englishman for Buffalo imitating art, and Jude Law.  If it was up to me, he'd imitate Angelina Jolie.  At least pictorialy.  Really.

I think a NY rat would be dang big.  I once saw a river rat crossing the street near my house.. it snarled, and slunk off the road.  

What the heck do rats nibble, and not consume...?  Drugs?  White mice?  Other rats?   Leftover Ruffles?  Peanuts left out for the Giant SQUIRRELS!!!?  

Just curious.  Yellow.

Billcat.  The check's in the male.
Ring bells for service.