LURID PANDA NEWS ITEM

[Ace]

By Watchalookinat Taithongcreep

CHA CHING, Thailand - Duang Daung the panda has been spending his days in front of a big-screen television watching panda porn.

Authorities at the Cha Ching Zoo in northern Thailand hope the images will encourage him to mate with his partner, Woo Hoo, and serve as an instructional lesson in how to do it right.  ââ?¬Å?Duang Daungââ?¬Â in Thai means ââ?¬Å?Dang Dung.ââ?¬Â
So far, itââ?¬â?¢s been a tough sell, the zooââ?¬â?¢s chief veterinarian, Kani Getyuheneithang, said Tuesday.  Tuesday didnââ?¬â?¢t say anything further.

ââ?¬Å?Ding Dong seems indifferent to the videos; he has no reaction to what heââ?¬â?¢s seeing on TV,ââ?¬Â Kani said. ââ?¬Å?But weââ?¬â?¢re continuing to show him videos and hoping they will leave an impression.ââ?¬Â  There was an unfortunate incident during one of the showings when zoo visitors happened upon the showing and were struck dead by the horrific images.
Pandas are threatened by loss of habitat, poaching and a low reproduction rate. Females in the wild normally have a cub once every two to three years. The cubs are known to be annual losers.  There are as few as 1,600 giant pandas in the mountain forests of central China, according to the zoo. An additional 120 are in Chinese breeding facilities and zoos, and about 20 live in zoos outside China.  Eradication efforts are in place to remove the remaining vermin and rid the world of the stinking things.

ââ?¬Å?ââ?¬Å?Giantââ?¬Â is pretty much a joke, as far as a descriptionââ?¬Â Kani added, losing count of the quotation marks.  ââ?¬Å?I mean, the things are about the size of a large stinking dog, or Plymouth Rock.  Or a good sized trash bag, which they resemble.  A good sized pungent reeking garbage glutted trash bag.ââ?¬Â 

Zoo officials say Duang Dang will be reunited with his partner in about another week. The two pandas have been kept separate since late last year as part of efforts to spark some romance between them.  Humans believe the best chance of a creature having any sick desire to mate with a panda would have to be if it never sees it.  The Cha Ching Zoo is the largest money-making panda-porn showing critter-keep in Thai-land.

Doggy Dirt recently was put on a strict diet because zoo officials said he was too heavy to mate. The diet trimmed him down from 331 pounds to 313 pounds.  Dyslexic zoo attendants said they could not tell a difference. Thailand rented 6-year-old Dung Doof and 5-year-old Woo Hoo from China for $250,000 in October 2003 for 10 years. They are expected to generate millions of dollars in revenue from Thai and foreign tourists, if they can stomach looking at them.


Ace; honestly, on this one, I hardly had to change a thing...

[pat]

I saw that on Keith Olbermann last night. There were all these guys yelling at this panda in a cage to watch the show. You know, I mean really, talk about performance anxiety.

There was also a small spot on pandas on a show I was watching last weekend. Evidently due to the fact that they only eat bamboo, they don�t manage to build up enough fat reserves so they can hibernate the winter like most self-respecting bears and need to continually sit out in the snow and eat bamboo of a kind that only grows at certain latitudes. So there was this panda with that stupid look on its face sitting in a snow bank continually munching bamboo. It�s a wonder they have survived this long.

[Ace]

Well, don't blame me for that.  I'd doing the best I can to get rid of them.

You would think Americans with our Notable Work Ethic would lead the fight to kill them off, in one of those pre-emptive wars where we decide to take down something before it can attack us.  I mean, right now, we oughta have warships floating off of China to show them who's boss.  Maybe they'd get the message about "Hey, quit feeding those things.  And harboring a scourge of mankind. Let alone filming them; criminy."  Also "Hey. Quit making every darn thing we have to buy.  Leave something for us, willya?!"  That'll tell them what's what.

I almost think, based on this news story, that pandas even realize they should knock it off and accept their extinction.  They're trying to stop themselves.  Figures it'd be some Thais with a rental panda that'd be looking to muck up the works and try to keep them going even if they themselves figure "enough's enough." 

Ace; I almost think.