Poasters Computer Forums

Off the Wall => The Funny Bone => Topic started by: pat on March 03, 2007, 09:28 hrs

Title: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 03, 2007, 09:28 hrs
Great Truths About Life Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5. If you can remain calm while everyone around you loses their head, maybe you just don't understand the problem.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 03, 2007, 09:34 hrs
3. The mighy oak may just try to kill you someday.
6. Notice cats are always doing something stupid, but dogs make sense.
5. I don't know why a puppy would smell better after you've had a Tic-Tac, unless you breathe on it.  I've always been bothered by people who hold a puppy up to their mouth for it to lick them...  I like dogs but I'm not going to french one.

5. I think panic is an appropriate workplace behavior.

Ace; my cousin had a Duster that got busted when it got rear-ended.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 04, 2007, 07:15 hrs
3. Been there, done that, escaped with life
(big drum roll)...........................and limb.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch, one says to the other......
Do you smell fish?
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 04, 2007, 09:44 hrs
That almost caused whiplash, when I finally got it.

Ace; avoid Sam & Ella Peanut Butter

Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 04, 2007, 14:00 hrs
Is that one of those that had the salmonella mixed in with the wholesome goodness of freshly roasted peanuts? Jeez, I thought I was safe when I stopped eating rare hamburgers.

I�ll be more careful with what I poast, I�d feel bad if anyone ended up in a neck brace.

Two carnivores are eating a clown, one looks to the other and says��.
Does something taste funny to you?
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 05, 2007, 07:06 hrs
I thought they were cannibals.  You know, say what you will but I would rather not have a common hamburger.

I used them both last night, but just on my wife.  I tell ya, the fish one even takes longer if you're not reading it. 

Ace; ok, it takes ME longer.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 05, 2007, 07:13 hrs
Probably fine young cannibals, but yeah I changed the names to protect the innocent.

That�s one movie I won�t go see though, that freaky Hannibal when he�s young just starting out on the rampage. That stuff is just wrong and freaks me out.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 05, 2007, 10:38 hrs
I think there should be a statue of limitations on how many spin-offs you can attempt...  I mean, it's like someone leaving Grey's Anatomy which no one was watching anyway.  We got the Hannibal where Ray Liotta eats his own brain. Like that'd take any doing, especially if he was driving somewhere.

Now, a cooking show with Hannibal would be a'ight.  Heh; maybe Rachel Ray could have him on as a guest. 

Ace; "Rachel Ray; served hot!"
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Mark H on March 06, 2007, 17:53 hrs
Quote from: pat on March 03, 2007, 09:28 hrs
6. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

Definitely true with one of our cats! She takes off at the sight of a dustbuster. The other cat just looks at you like you are stupid. You can put it up to the cat's nose with it on high and the cat just sniffs it. Some say the one cat is brave, I say the other cat is smarter. At least she would run from a truly dangerous situation while he would just sit there and investigate.

Mark H
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 07, 2007, 06:49 hrs
Geez Louise, Mahrk; they're cats.  They're both stupid.  I mean, comparing cats to figure which one's dumber is like comparing rocks to figure which one is more athletic.  Or two pandas, to try to determine which one is stinkinger. 
the jester has a genuine dislike of cats, but thinks it's cool that Mahrk has actually put the one in dangerous situations.

Although I guess if someone goes around putting dustbusters under people's noses they could get some funny looks.  I guess you could dust with a cat, and shaking one out after would definitely be worthwhile.  Not like you can just rinse one off when they get dirty, like you can with a dog.
Ace remembers the fun bath times he had with his dog, when she would run and he'd have to drag her by the collar and the time she shattered the shower door and her revenge by shaking herself and soaking him after and how he'd swing her by the teeth on the towel to get her frustrations out, after.

My theory is a cat will look at you like you're stupid in the same way a stupid person looks at you like you're stupid.  I mean, consider the source.  I prefer to look stupid right back at them. 

Ace; my wife's aunt was eaten by her cats.
the jester ponders whether he phrased that "stupid" observation the way he meant to

Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Bill on March 07, 2007, 07:26 hrs
Dusting with a cat is a great idea, I'm certain it would cooperate. And then, so you could reuse it, dunk it forcefully in the tub to get it clean and throw it in the dryer and let it tumble dry for, say, an hour or so. 

Bill; works for me.

Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 07, 2007, 07:47 hrs
Huh, cats are okay by me. We have the dog and the cat and sure once there gone there won�t be any replacements. But you guys are just mean.

I suppose you think this was funny, I did.

Fun with a porta-john (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3371531579910474691&hl=en)
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2007, 09:14 hrs
Quote from: pat on March 07, 2007, 07:47 hrs
Huh, cats are okay by me. We have the dog and the cat and sure once there gone there won�t be any replacements. But you guys are just mean.

Glad I have some support on the liking cats. I was thinking I was the only one for a while with the mean poasters like Ace and Bill.  :o

Mark H; Cats dig to bury crap and dogs dig to unbury it.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 07, 2007, 10:47 hrs
Ok; you're right.  It is better to dust with a cat, than a dog.

You know, cats have a reason to bury their crap... Dogs at least have enough sense to take it outside.  And typically don't attempt to mark curtains or furniture as "territory."

I was thinking; my neighbor has a black lab that's about 100 pounds at least.  If it was a cat, I wouldn't go outside.

I did like the toilet head thing, although from experience I wouldn't think to go down there to even attempt that joke...  Gagh.

Ace; you are the only one.  Pat was just being nice.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 07, 2007, 19:01 hrs
Yeah, I donââ?¬â?¢t think Iââ?¬â?¢d get down in a porta-john for a prank no matter how funny it was. Those are some funny pranks though, did you see the  waterbed one (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6224198467652732986&hl=en) or the  hidden pit (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=604591236248917477)?

That stuff just cracks me up.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 08, 2007, 07:00 hrs
Thank goodness someone here cruises the web for obscure German humourous video montages...

I finally got the Waterbed one down, and I'd have to say that was just Mean.  Especially the fat lady who couldn't get back up...  If I ever fall into a waterbed, remind me not to ask another fat lady for help.

Ace; mean = funny
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on March 09, 2007, 05:58 hrs
I�d have to say that most, certainly not all, but most of those folks who get caught up in those pranks take it pretty good and just have fun with it.

I try not to spend too much time watching that stuff, you know, I wouldn�t want anyone to think I have a warped sense of humor.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on March 09, 2007, 06:38 hrs
Well, of course they take it well.  They're Germans.  Germans are the most fun-loving humourous good natured rollicking good-timey people in the world, and pretty much WROte the book of humor.

Ouch. Bit my tongue again.  I've gotta watch that...

You know, I'd imagine you have these stupid things playing on a continual loop on your screen. 

Ace; now if they can fit a fake waterbed into a Port-O-Let..
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Mark H on March 11, 2007, 21:30 hrs
Quote from: pat on March 07, 2007, 19:01 hrs
Yeah, I donââ?¬â?¢t think Iââ?¬â?¢d get down in a porta-john for a prank no matter how funny it was. Those are some funny pranks though, did you see the  waterbed one (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6224198467652732986&hl=en) or the  hidden pit (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=604591236248917477)?

That stuff just cracks me up.


Now those were funny!

Mark H
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on April 16, 2007, 05:52 hrs
I�ll resurrect this poast with another video from out there, somewhere. It does seem improbable, but who knows, I guess anything can happen.

http://www.carinsurancevideos.com/content/impossible-highway-accident.php

Maybe this guy has one of those Garmin Nuvi things too.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on April 16, 2007, 06:45 hrs
Well, that didn't seem very probable.  Was Johnny in the van, or the 2nd car? 

I hit two raccoons once on county line road heading for Douglas Road, a couple summers ago.  I could tell by the two "thumps" after seeing them look up in surprise.  I guess I'm glad that wasn't captured on film. 

Ace; shoot, I was almost as surprised as they were.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Bill on April 16, 2007, 17:21 hrs
I understand ja has scraped his GPS thing since he realized it's so easy even a cave man can do it.

Bill
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: scuzzy on April 17, 2007, 04:35 hrs
I happen to know that it's very probable. The exact same thing happen to me, except that I had both front wheels fall off. After the wheels banged around left and right for some time, both of them miraculously reattached themselves to my car. On the next day, even. On a different highway. And somebody balanced them first.

Scuzzy; really. You just can't make these things up.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on April 17, 2007, 06:31 hrs
Well, apparently not, because I'm looking right at it.

I saw photos of a Ferrari accident on rotten.com, and I don't think they faked that either.  Probably if you don't drive fast, and stay off the side of the road, you have a better chance of not having your wheels fall off.  Murphy is riding his motorcycle today; he just took off.  I would've filmed it except I couldn't tell what the obnoxious revving sound was. He had his helmet on, too, so you wouldn't know it was him anyway unless it fell over on him. 

I'm pretty sure this poast is about a movie, too.  Was that wheely filmed in Germany?  I thought maybe on the Autobahn they do more stunt stuff.

Ace; a portajohn, a waterbed, a flying wheel.  That was either in "Taxi Driver" or "Woodstock."
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: pat on May 07, 2007, 20:04 hrs
Been a while since anything has been poasted down here. Iââ?¬â?¢ve been super busy and I suppose everyone else has too. But this  Amazing Burger Trick (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1717721773618515816&q=burger+video&hl=en) ought to get things going.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: scuzzy on May 08, 2007, 01:23 hrs
You know, I watched that video from a whole different perspective. I see him as a con artist who got a hamburger without paying for it. He also ruined a perfectly good outdoor menu.

I'd charge him with criminal michief, criminal tampering, theft, disorderly conduct, and inciting a riot.

Scuzzy; dang criminals
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on May 10, 2007, 06:28 hrs
Ok. Right.  That's why my theory is the really great magician illusionists (Lance Burton, David Blaine) are evil.  Demons.  They are actually doing magic. 

You'd think the guy would've gone for fries and a shake, too.  That's pretty fast food, if you can just pull one out of a sign on the street.  I saw a sandwich in a wrapper on a parking lot this week, but that's not really the same thing, is it..

Ace; probably see some guy pull a dove sandwich, or dove bar, out of thin air.  Or a Welsh Rabbit.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: scuzzy on May 11, 2007, 14:31 hrs
I pretty much figure that anyone who does anything that I don't understand is evil. Even after they show me how they did it, I continue to think they're evil. All of my math, chemistry and English teachers were very, very evil.

The makers of Great Stuff are also very evil.

Scuzzy; I would have run the Salem witch trials with fervor.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on May 11, 2007, 14:59 hrs
You would have run the Salem Witch Trials with a fever, because you probably would've been standing in the fire pit...

I could just see you back then, with one of those big pilgrim hats with the belt buckle on it condemning some suspected witch and spraying her down with sticky expanding foam...  "If she floats, she's a witch!  If she sinks, she's innocent!  If she sticks to you, you're both going down..!"

You should write the company and demand a refund.  Ooh, or better yet, tell them you're going to sue them because they didn't make it clear that you shouldn't put your hands in it and should have worn gloves if you insisted on putting your hands in it, even though they said pretty clearly NOT to put your hands in it..   Sometimes that can be misunderstood, though.  Many's the time someone is crossing a street and the sign with the big open hand lights up, and people either think they're supposed to wave but keep on walking or maybe grab a can of Great Stuff and lather it all over their fists so that they can expand and look just like that big waving mitt.

Baseball players should just spray their catching hand with Great Stuff and forego the glove...  Big sticky expanding mitt. 

Ace; Just don't do your throwing hand, too.  Did you rub your head after your hand got sticky and say "Huh.. now what should I do?"
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: scuzzy on May 11, 2007, 15:23 hrs
Well phooey to you, Mr. Smarty Pants. It just so happens that I'm running a fever at this very moment. So, there.

I like your litmus test for witches and will look at modifying it for criminals. I look forward to spraying them down with pepper spray, then sealing it off with the sticky foam. Maybe there's a way of mixing the two products. I just need to find a spot on my duty belt for the can. I've already got the big belt buckle.

I recall a recent crime in South Africa in which thieves superglued a naked man (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18470220/) to an exercise bike. At least he had a chance to get a good workout before help arrived.

Scuzzy; I was going to superglue myself to the treadmill, but thought better of it.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: Ace on May 11, 2007, 16:18 hrs
Wasn't there an urban myth about superglueing toilet seats in the mall or stores and people couldn't get up...?  Shoot, my wife wouldn't believe me if I did yell that I was glued to the toilet.  She thinks I live in there anyway. 

You gluing your feet, or hands?  Glueing?  How the heck do you spell glueing? You know, I was just thinking that playing "Twister" with you would be a unique experience.  Or "patty cake." 

Ace; remind me if we meet not to shake hands.
Title: Re: Great Truths
Post by: scuzzy on May 11, 2007, 16:31 hrs
You must be referring to this: Colorado Man Sues Home Depot (http://www.canada.com/news/oddities/story.html?id=de2cd789-20c6-41ff-ba65-25470c6a609a)

And no, it wasn't me. But I sort of have an idea of how he felt. Well not really, but sort of. I can't imagine how much acetone it took to correct that problem. And what about the poor fools that got stuck doing that job?

Scuzzy; Hey Joe, looks like we're gonna need another stick of dynomite.