The Dead Poast

[Ace]

Well, howdy Mark, how've ya been?  I can understand that.  We were trying to put this poast out of our misery, so maybe we finally succeeded.

I don't know why there are swarms of bees around your poast... I sure hear them.  But the boring part, sure.  

There's been some criticism made of people who don't say anything and depend on smiley emoticons to convey whatever it was the meant to.  I don't believe in that, myself.  I believe in freedom of speech.  

ACe; speech.  Not the smiley thingy part.  

[iansl]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...I hope this will aid and abet this poast being, once and for all, dead.

Maybe if noone posted here, except for me, this thing would be dead. If someone else poasts after I do, I naturally poast. And the chain goes on...

[Nestor]

Instinctive poasting. Like Pandas that do nothing... instinctively.

[Ace]

Criminy, Nes, your avatar's a blond joke.  

Here's a symbolic reading of "The Dead Poast" by Travis Goof:

One day Shaun and Ian were walking in the woods and came upon a large smelly panda, which appeared to be either asleep or dead.  Knowing that startling a sleeping panda can result in it not only waking suddenly but also evacuating its own premises, the two lads were careful to tread lightly near the great stinking furball.  Shaun, peering closely at the still contagion, whispered "Ian, we had best walk quickly and quietly away, in case."  Ian nodded, and whispered back "For real.  If it's dead, we sure don't want to be near it, even though a dead panda surprisingly smells better than a live one. And if it isn't dead, we don't want to awaken it in case it's trying to be.  Better we just leave it to its own devices, and eventual demise."  

And so, both of the strapping young lads agreed to let the dead or sleeping heap do whichever it was attempting.  Especially as they knew that, if no others happened upon the scene after them, then it was sure to die and the world would be a better place.

The two then tiptoed down the path, eventually venturing out of sight and sound of the silent ursine.  

They then each grabbed a pointy stick and ran stumbling back to it, at which point they both jabbed it repeatedly.

The End.

Ace; let. The. Dumb. Thing. Die.  Criminy.

[iansl]

Shaun and Ian went back to the rotting carcass that was smelling better and bett  and wondered whether Scuzzy might kill it, since all of their petty attemps were in vain. They had seen him seem to do so before, but, as it turned out, it was as alive as ever, frozen for only a little while. Ahhh, if only Scuzzy had kept it frozen longer

The end.

Could Scuzzy make it die like before or something? Or maybe change it to the vivacious poast and make it die that way. Or maybe you could kill it in the conventional, unmeaning way, Ace...

:)

[Ace]

Huh; you said "pretty" and "vivacious."  This has the makings of a pretty good blond(e) joke.  You might be on to something here.

Scuzzy usually has difficulty keeping things frozen, as his refrigerator is out in his yard according to recent photos.  Or "dirtbowl" as it's more commonly referred to.  Unless he gets some really long extention cords, I could see that's going to be a recurring problem.

Is this the dead one or the nothing one?  I forgot to look when I came in.  It's getting harder to tell.  

Ace; I don't know what unmeaning way I don't mean things.  I usually mean to not mean it.  

[iansl]

Getting there very quickly...suddenly there's nothing to talk about.

[trav]

Here's a symbolic reading of "The Dead Poast" by Travis Goof:

They then each grabbed a pointy stick and ran stumbling back to it, at which point they both jabbed it repeatedly.

The End.

Ace; let. The. Dumb. Thing. Die.  Criminy.

Well? Did it wake up or what?

[Ace]

Aw geez, Travis...  It's a DEAD POAST. Criminy; what kind of panda is going to live there?

Fine.  A false ending it was.

It was as alive as ever, like Ian said.  Now, for a panda, that's a relative term.  "Alive" being like in "We strolled up to see Plymouth Rock, down in its pitiful pit, recipient of spit, like a lifeless thing in miniature when one might expect a majestic outcropping on the beach, much as a panda might appear if it was a stand-in for a boulder.  Or, lie-in, as it were.  A day of great activity for a panda is to lie motionless in its own filth and fur, waiting patiently for extinction, feeling bad its blight was put on the world.  That is, if they were smart enough to have a conscience, which they aren't.  Or, if nudged toward mating with another of its species by zoo staff, recoiling in repugnance to the idea of getting close to itself.  Then, lying back down motionless in the worst of places it can find, finding comfort in being in a dump, after having recognizing itself as refuse.

The two looked to kill the foul thing, but then thought to themselves "Why waste two perfectly good pointy sticks on this thing, after all?  I mean, should we kill it, or what?"  At which point they both thought "better to leave sleeping or dead pandas sleep, or die.  Whichever.  Criminy, even when they smell not as much, they still stink.  Let's instead use our pointy sticks to Rid The World Of Crime And Evil, and Chase Poasters Who Include Quotes of Prior Poasts and too Dang Many Smiley Emoticons, Huh!"  And, at that, their quest was on.

Ace; or what.

[Nestor]

I look a lot like the guy in my avatar, thank ya thank ya.

Shaun and Ian could both see the ragged breathing of the panda, each wondering how something so huge could smell so foul; and yet be alive.

And yet, off in the distance, they could hear what seemed to be a cross between a plaintive cry for help and some savage suburbanite war cry. They turned as one, just as Ace, the mythical Jester, clad only in corporate logos and sporting a wash instructions tag out of his right ear, crashed headlong into the clearing, brandishing a homemade spear like a cro-magnon neophyte.

He was immediately brought up by the smell, however, and lowered his spear.

"Well, boys... The thing's dead. Nothing could smell like that and live." Ian and Shaun looked at each other doubtfully. Ian seemed about to object, but Shaun forstalled him with a touch to the shoulder.
"Ace, " He began, "This panda, as much as it smells, is alive. It lives as pretty much the same way that your dead poast lives. vainly trying to die, but everyone seems to come visit, and spur it onward. If you want the thing to die, go ahead and use the spear."

He turned to Ian. "Come on, man... This guy wears too many corporate logos... and not enough clothing. Let's go hang out somewhere else... Like Travis's birthday poast!"

[Ace]

That oughta killed it.  Criminy, it almost took me out.

Ace; he wishes he had logos. Leggos.  One of them.  Eggos.

[Nestor]

Yeah. I'm a poast killer. Not a panda killer.

You WISH i had a logo!

[Ace]

Ah, you wish I wish you had a logo.  

Shoot, most poasts have enough sense to die off all by themselves.  Not like a panda is ever going to come to its senses in that regard.

ACe; I thought it was pretty cool that I got a spear, when all they got were pointy sticks.  It just shows you that credentials count around here.

[Nestor]

That's right! Besides, the thought of a suburbanite weilding a neo-phallic representation of his pent up his desire to kill a panda was a mild pun too mild to pass up.  ;D

[scuzzy]

Well, it's about time this stupid poast finally died its final death.

Okay, there's nothing more to see here folks. Move along now. Besides, the smell is getting kinda smelly from smelling bad.

Scuzzy; May as well go home, 'cause I did on my own, alone again, naturally.

[trav]

SSOO00OO.........


Is it dead yet?


HAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHA GOTCHA ALL! I RESSURECTED IT!

[Ace]

Travis, I found a new group for you.  Maroon 5.

You can be 4 of them.  Criminy.

Ace; it's bad enough he resurrects dead poasts, but he'll probably bring back Scuzzy too.  Noobody needs that.

[scuzzy]

Sorry to disappoint you, Travis, but it's still a dead poast. Nothing you can do about it.

[Ace]

YEAH TRAVIS SORRY TO DISSAPOINT DISAPOINT DISSAPPOINT criminy BURST YOUR BUBBLE NECK BUT IT'S DEAD THERE BUDDY SO QUIT POASTING TO THE DANG

thing. Dang. Criminy.

Ace; the 5th maroon. Dangit.

[pat]

Is that like an element?

[Ace]

Yeah, I think it is.  Like Neon, with two good toes.  Too.  Toos.

Ace; "Abandon hope, ye whom poast here."   The Undead Poast.  Like trying to kill a stupid Gollum.  And I thought it was weird Niles Crane played the part.

[Nestor]

You know Ace, i swear- you gotta track Travis down to keep him from ressurecting dead poasts. beat him with your jester hat. cram a bell up his nose.  poke him in the eye.

[Ace]

What is it with you and eye poking today?!  Did you just get out of a 3 Stooges film festival or something?  

The dang Jester cap isn't all that threatening, especially after I sat on it.  There's worse places than your nose to get a bell up.  Plus, I don't think I'd like anything festooned with a bell he had in his nose.  It'd probably smell.  Since his nose does.

Ace; I'd sooner track a panda with a spear than Travis on a rampage.

[Nestor]

Well, since you asked, I just quit smoking a day or so ago, and I'm really irritable. The typical thing you'd do to rid yourself of withdrawl symptoms is to ingest citrus. But I'm allergic. So i suffer.

[Ace]

Oh, criminy.  Get over.  It's bad for you, and you'll be glad you're done.  I haven't had a cigarette since the reception at Speedway 3 years ago.  I really like tobacco, but I don't miss it.  Plus, I don't miss smelling like it.  Let it go.  

I had a cigar in October; caught a fierce cold right after, and it was a mess.  None since.  Same thing; let it go.  

Eventually, you won't be so irritable, and will come to like Travis.  Until then, just hang in there.  Find a panda; poke it in the eye.   It's ok; it's why they're here.

Ace; Stuff tastes better if you aren't smoking.  Really.  You smell better if you're not smoking; really.

[Bill]

But ladies and gentlemen, think about how many poor state and federal government employees would lose their jobs without tobacco taxes.  In some states even property taxes would go up if people stop buying tobacco products (can't spel cigarettes).

And, the tobacco companies would not have all that money that allows States' Attorneys General to sue for retribution to use for public education.
Proper and fitting topic for a Dead Poast

Its a built-in mainstay in the nation's economy.

[Ace]

Well, that's true.  Then eat tobacco.  Kiss your lips away (that's harder than it sounds) but go that route.  It's probably an excellent source of fiber in the diet.

Ace; maybe the farmers could grow Opium poppies instead. Or corn.

[Nestor]

Every time I see the word 'luddite' i am drawn back to Stephen King and his depiction of the denizens of Lud, the forsaken city. which makes for an amusing cross-association.

[Bill]

Well would you rather I use Stephen or King?
King is nice, usually a large dog in an old movie or maybe Sky King winging into the night to save the world.  Or, The King, but I can't sing.

Not familiar with Lud, is that somewhere in midwest?

[Ace]

If we're voting between a Stephen, and a King, I'd say go with King.  We have one king, and he could stand some competition.  

I don't think Lud is in Michiana.  Although we have Amish, who I guess are luddites.  Unless they need to borrow a phone or car in an emergency; then, they're ok with technology.  That's not a religious joke, by the way.  And I want any Amish who may be online to know that.

Ace; I bet Lud is in Michigan.  Sounds like a Michigan town, to me.