Author Topic: Make The English Language Dance  (Read 22741 times)

Offline LinS

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Make The English Language Dance
« on: Jun 19, 2005, 07:21 PM »
Thought this was appropriate since I chose dancin' shoes (real night-on-the-town dancin' shoes, not the curly-toed, wicked witch or jester variety) as my signature fashion accessory.

Here goes:

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old contortionists never die, they just meet their end.
or:
Old proctologists never die, they just face the end.

Old gardeners never die, they just go to seed.


Q. What do you call a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

A. A Mormon Nailer.

In closing,
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

LinS; puns intended.

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #1 on: Jun 20, 2005, 08:01 AM »
There goes. I don't know if I care to be associated with "witches", at least by footwear.  I sure don't want mine peeking out from under a house in Kansas.

The thing with the bottle works pretty much the same, either way, I've found.  Especially tequila, which is a hallucinogen.

Ace; two Hobbits walk into a shoestore....
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Offline Buffalo2102

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #2 on: Jun 20, 2005, 11:22 PM »
Nice one LinS.  You both did well there.....

How about these.

Old composers never die, they just decompose.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old academics never die, they just lose thier faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Buff; Old jesters do die - on their pointy feet.
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Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #3 on: Jun 21, 2005, 05:15 AM »
Old jesters' jokes die; daily.

And we're buried with our boots on.

Ace; curly toed jingly belled stinking boots.
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Offline LinS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #4 on: Jun 21, 2005, 05:52 AM »
How about some Swifties?

"I love pancakes," she said flippantly.

"My heart is broken," he said half-heartedly.

"I got great results on my EKG," she said wholeheartedly.

"You can't have any of my lobster," he said shellfishly.

"I think I've swallowed a fishing hook," he said with bated breath.


I think I'll go back to the new book I'm reading:

"50-Yard Dash to the Goal Line"
Written by Willie Maykit
Illustrated by Betty Woent

LinS; Keeps me on my (unbroken) toes.


Offline JimS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #5 on: Jun 21, 2005, 06:24 AM »
S'cuse me, honey, but I think you meant "baited" breath.

Dang keyboardos...

JimS: despite what LinS says, I don't have fish breath.
"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again."
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Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #6 on: Jun 21, 2005, 06:47 AM »
But you're the only one that knows it.

B-
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Offline LinS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #7 on: Jun 21, 2005, 09:55 AM »
bate: to moderate or restrain (the breath): to wait with bated breath

LinS; Don't be a chowderhead.  

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #8 on: Jun 21, 2005, 10:25 AM »
I try to restrain my breath as much as possible.  

Ace; I'm no bass kisser.  And certainly not a pike, with those teeth...
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Offline JimS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #9 on: Jun 21, 2005, 01:08 PM »
Okay, Mrs. Bate, be a smarty-pants.  Go ahead, see how many fish you'll catch with bate.  How did you ever hook me?  Just wait and see if I share from my Bass-O-Matic with you.

And don't call me Master Bat*...

JimS: geez, I hate it when she's right...
"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again."
 - Stephen Grellet

Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #10 on: Jun 21, 2005, 03:23 PM »
JimS,

You must be unhappy alot.  

Sharp as a fish hook, that one.

Lins,
 I just re-read the title here.  Are you suggesting the English communicate only with body language?  Might be a bit tough for them to poast that way.  But then, they're creative.

Bill

« Last Edit: Jun 21, 2005, 03:27 PM by Bill »
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Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #11 on: Jun 21, 2005, 03:49 PM »
Go for the rebate; grab another worm.

I just reread the title of the previous poast, from the other room.  I also reread my Sports Illustrated from last week, which I memorized the first night I got it.  I think the English do communicate with dance and movement; the Amish won't go for that, however.  But they can yodel.  

Some rube will probably come in here, yodeling... dang yodeling yokel.  I wonder if Yoda, or Yoko Ono can yodel... some yokel yodeling Yoda Yoko.  What a yo-yo.

I'm figuring LinS snagged JimS while trolling.  Hopefully, not under a bridge.

Ace; I wonder how fish describe each other's breath.
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Offline LinS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #12 on: Jun 21, 2005, 04:32 PM »
Ace, one "school" of thought regarding fish breath rank (or rank fish breath) uses a rating "scale", while other schools prefer a much less structured approach.

Gotta go. I have salmon steaks on the barbie.  

LinS; You can tuna guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #13 on: Jun 21, 2005, 07:59 PM »
Roe, roe roe your boat...

I like that idea of "Freshwater Barbie."  I don't think they've done that, with Barbie covered with filets.

With Ken attacked by a Grizzlie, attracted by the spawning...  In the land of the Pizza, the anchovy is the Panda.

Ace; with Shelby as the walleye...

ed. note: Ace would like to apologize for the preceding poast, which was written quite late last night and obviously lacks literary merit let alone any seeming coherence, probably due to the hour of its creation and chemical imbalance of the author at that time.  We are used to his "stream of unconsciousness" ramblings to some degree, but upon review this one lacks even his typically weak level of focus and offers absolutely no redeeming qualities or lasting effect.  The "fish" theme was labored, and the segue to the anchovy reference loses all sense of direction.  Throwing out the previously used cat insult was a tasteless afterthought, and probably will bring recriminations from the owner, to which we apologize.  From a somewhat clever punned opening, it degenerated into a slap-dash concoction of aberrant seafood themes that ultimately led nowhere, and nowhere good.  We apologize for the inconvenience, and for the time you just spent reading our apology.  A few more minutes of life, never to get back, as it were.
« Last Edit: Jun 22, 2005, 05:47 AM by Ace »
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Offline LinS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #14 on: Jun 22, 2005, 12:17 PM »
Some more Swifties:

"Frankly, I don't give a dang," he said rhetorically.

"I've dropped the toothpaste," she said, crestfallen.

"My favorite statue is the Venus de Milo," he said disarmingly.

"We're out of laundry detergent," he said cheerlessly.

"I hate pineapples," she said dolefully.

LinS; How swiftly they forget.

Offline Buffalo2102

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #15 on: Jun 22, 2005, 01:12 PM »
LinS

Thank heaven you've returned to put this thread back on track.  It was degenerating into yet another anthology of foods.

I can't say that I haven't contributed to this disturbing trend.  However, my recent suggestion for cooking eggs on a barbecue was at least unusual.  As opposed to what seems to be the habitual practice around here of punctuating every poast with pizza and beer.  You won't catch me mentio......

Buff; Dangit!
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Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #16 on: Jun 22, 2005, 01:19 PM »
Not quickly enough, in come cases.

Really, apologies not required; we understand completely.

Nothing like hijacking another.

Seems merlot should be mentioned here, too.

Bill
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Offline Buffalo2102

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #17 on: Jun 22, 2005, 01:27 PM »
Indeed, although it seems I have moved onto a different wine.

Buff; Whine
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Offline LinS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #18 on: Jun 22, 2005, 02:11 PM »
"There's no more chianti," she whined.

LinS; Life's too short to drink bad wine.

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #19 on: Jun 22, 2005, 02:31 PM »
"I'll never get out of here tonight" complained the drycleaner, wrinkling her nose...

"Life's too short for bad wine, but it's even shorter with wood alcohol" explained the steward.

"I've been beered" said the man as the foam dribbled down his chin.

"I'd have Buffalo for dinner, but I don't like chicken liver" Hannibal griped, cleaning a fava bean.

"Hands off our ball" yelled the soccer player to the other team.

Ace; life's too short for cheap beer.

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Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #20 on: Jun 22, 2005, 02:35 PM »
Life is too short for any beer.  Nothing like a fine, aged wine to take the edge off the day.  And, the wife's temper.

Bill
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Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #21 on: Jun 23, 2005, 04:09 PM »
I think we can add "Make the poast freeze up and die" with "Make the English Language Dance."  I guess if puns are the lowest form of humour, then a bad pun has to grab a ladder to get out of the gutter.

I know: Puns are the pandas of the Joke Kingdom.

Ace; I gotta work on a dirty limerick, just to make sure we don't slip into haikus.
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Offline JimS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #22 on: Jun 23, 2005, 06:07 PM »
Okay, I'll try to pump some life into this puppy...

1.   Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.   Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4.   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5.   Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6.   A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.   A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is called "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.   These friars were behind on their belfry payments so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9.   Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him .....what?  A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10.   And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Remember, puns are for children, not groan readers.
"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again."
 - Stephen Grellet

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #23 on: Jun 23, 2005, 07:42 PM »
When the Foo Bird flies over you, be careful it doesn't on you because if you wipe it off you die

Ok. Never mind.  Enough bad puns, and story problems.  Like the porpoises that would live forever, if they were fed gulls... except they had to carry them over the guard lions, which mercifully stayed still... Of course they were arrested for
transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.  Or the clothing store that had the inventory shipped in dressers, which they lost in transit...  They looked initially in the first type of unit and then the second... thankfully, they found the
clothes in counters of the 3rd kind.

Ace; see "Jim(S) Should Be shot" poast

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Offline JimS

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #24 on: Jun 25, 2005, 07:10 AM »
On the same day LinS received her first bleep, the Newark Star-Ledger published a list of the top 100 movie lines.  #1 was from "Gone With the Wind", with Clark Gable telling Vivian Leigh "Frankly, my dear,..."
"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good I can do, or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now and not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again."
 - Stephen Grellet

Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #25 on: Jun 25, 2005, 11:39 AM »
I was hoping for Slim Pickens line from Blazing Saddles, about needing a whole ________ of quarters.  

Ace: or "those aren't pillows" from Trains, Planes and Cars.
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Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #26 on: Jun 26, 2005, 08:43 PM »
And on The Record Editoral Page today.... "Frankly, my dear, we don't care."

LinS is to be commended for her risque approach to introducing her own persona here.   Buff used to be the Risque Poaster of Questionable Words but I now think LInS should be nominated for that honour.   Hopefully There will be enough LinS around not to matter if one of her/them gets banned.

Bill; one iteration of many.
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Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #27 on: Jun 27, 2005, 05:43 AM »
I agree; LinS is like a breath of air here.  JImS is like a breadth of hair.  Blond(e) hair.  Hairball, as it were.  They are quite the couple.  I haven't seen a couple do such damage here since Scuzzy and his gun.  Or car.  Or refrigerator, out back.

You know, the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles is pretty much "Gone With the Wind."

Ace; the way my mind works, especially on a Monday I don't have to work.  Or wind morks, if you're Mindy.
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Offline Bill

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #28 on: Jun 27, 2005, 06:17 AM »
Oh.  Guess that means we can look forward to the Jester's Witticisms all the live long day.   Do dah, do dah.

"Of all the gin joints in the world....."

Bill; running doesn't get you anywhere.

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Offline Ace

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Re:Make The English Language Dance
« Reply #29 on: Jun 27, 2005, 08:05 AM »
Running gets me down.  Actually, I wound up painting the bathroom window, so I'm behind schedule now.  I also have to patch some concrete on the driveway.  And we've got these sap-sticky tulip tree leaves, so I'm going to rake those.  And it's over 90 now.  I thought about going golfing, but I keep thinking of worthwhile things to do. Plus, I'm looking for a UPS delivery of a new tennis racquet.  I'm down to 4.  

Dangit. I wish I could make my mind stop, like it does at work.

Ace; there.
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