Author Topic: Is There A Santa Claus?  (Read 2624 times)

Offline scuzzy

  • Forum Cop
  • Administrator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 4584
  • Caveat Empty: Beware of jesters
Is There A Santa Claus?
« on: Dec 05, 2004, 09:44 AM »
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer - which only Santa has seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Antec Performance TX640B Case | WinXP Pro SP3 & Win7 64-bit | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale LGA 775 3.16GHz Dual-Core | 8GB (4x2GB) PC6400 G-Skill RAM | eVGA 7600GT 256MB PCI-E | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 16MB Cache | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 8MB Cache | 320GB Seagate Barracuda SATA 16MB Cache | External 640GB WD Caviar SATA 32MB Cache | Sony DRU-V200S DVD/RW | PC Power & Cooling Silencer 500W | Samsung SyncMaster 2494 (24") LCD Monitor | LG Flatron W2361V (23") LCD Monitor

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #1 on: Dec 05, 2004, 11:05 AM »
Geez. You're more of a Grinch than Murphy's inflatable toy.  In a couple months it'll be "if the Easter Bunny was real, he would have to travel at nearly the speed of light to distribute eggs to children everywhere, albeit predomininantly the Christian ones since the Jewish and Muslim children would probably react "huh" to find them in their vicinity, and so would burn his furry little paws down to charred stubs from the friction and resulting heat.  Although children could likely follow the smell of burning bunny fur to locate the hidden gifts."

I tell ya, one thing I know is there's a Satan Claus.  Usually about this time of year... One thing I'm especially thankful for this time of year, that being a week or so after Thanksgiving, is that my persona and poasts haven't been kidnapped by some dang hijackers spreading ill will and seasonal tidings.  Whether S.C., or the Reindeer, or the Elves, or DuBM PaaOsTRS or whomever.  Criminy.

I am thankful for that.  I am.

Ace; still master of my house.
Ring bells for service.

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #2 on: Dec 05, 2004, 12:47 PM »
Imaginative?  Geez Louise, it was just mean.  I mean, I know the guy is fat, but he said Santa weighs 353,000 tons.  No wonder Scuzzy doesn't get any dang presents from him...  I wouldn't deliver either if someone referred to me as "old fat 353,000 ton
b(@#t  lard($*@ geezer."  

Put a big red check in the "Naughty" column by Scuzzy, for that one.

You know though, at that weight, he could sorta take out some chimneys.  Or at least clog them pretty good.  Maybe that's why he just brings him appliances, and drops them off outside.

"Rudolph's heat shield begins to glow and then melts off into fragments upon reentry..."  Heh.  No wonder he talks funny.

Ace; shoulda backed them in...



Ring bells for service.

Offline Buffalo2102

  • Master Poaster
  • ****
  • Posts: 1073
  • Just for Ace...
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #3 on: Dec 05, 2004, 01:42 PM »
Hey, if he weighs 353,000 tons, what would you call him?  I think "fat" is a pretty kind term for somebody that big.  It explains the red face but it makes you wonder what he's got to be so jolly about.....  And he says "ho, ho, ho" a lot but I'm not going there....
Vista x64 Home Premium. Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Abit IP35, 4 Gig Kingston HyperX PC8500C5 DDR2, GTX260, Creative X-Fi Extreme Gamer, Antec 900 Gaming Case.

Offline trav

  • Master Poaster
  • ****
  • Posts: 2098
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #4 on: Dec 05, 2004, 03:43 PM »
he said

Quote
...the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa...



Meaning, Santa only weighs....1 ton!

:P

:(
CygBox | ASUS A7V400-MX| Athlon XP-2600+ (Barton core) (1900Mhz) |Gigabyte Radeon 9200SE| Onboard 6CH Sound|PC2700 400Mhz 768DDR

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #5 on: Dec 05, 2004, 04:19 PM »
Dear Santa,

Well.. or "deer Santa."  Or I suppose "Reindeer, Santa."  Whatever.

You should not bring any presents to Travis Goof this year, as he has been bad.  Really really naughty.  Not Nice.  He called you "1 Ton."  No, Not "Wonton." That'd make you more of an Asian Ravioli.  Remember that song, Wonton Amera?  I thought it was Spanish, somehow.  

Ok. Anyway, Travis said you're fat and weigh a ton.  That oughta disqualify him from gift receiving.  Oh, and also, he's in Canada.  Since that's so close, I'd think you might deliver there on your way back to the warehouse, and just dump off any leftover merchandise.  But make the real deliveries first, to the important people.  Like in Michiana.  I would recommend hitting there, first.  That'd be nice.

Thanks.  Your Pal, Ace.

You've got jingly bells, I've got some too.  You've got white hair and a beard, I would I guess, if.  You wear Cream and Crimson, I

don't.  ok.  Enough of the analogies.  Don't rush to deliver stuff to those up north who bad mouth you.  Stick with the True Believers.  Thanks.

Ace; and don't have a heart attack.  What Buffalo said, that has me worried about you.
Ring bells for service.

Offline Buffalo2102

  • Master Poaster
  • ****
  • Posts: 1073
  • Just for Ace...
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #6 on: Dec 06, 2004, 11:19 AM »
Steady Ace, he's not going to be able to deliver anything with your lips stuck to his......you know.
Vista x64 Home Premium. Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Abit IP35, 4 Gig Kingston HyperX PC8500C5 DDR2, GTX260, Creative X-Fi Extreme Gamer, Antec 900 Gaming Case.

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #7 on: Dec 06, 2004, 11:33 AM »
I don't use lipstick, thank you very much.  And very little mascara.

Look; I wasn't saying I've been good this year.  Just that others have been bad.  I figure in comparison I'll make out ok.  Plus, Scuzzy proved he can't deliver anyway, so it's probably a moot point.

You know, one time at work my boss sent this email which said "the point is mute."  Probably that, too.

ace; I think Led Zeppelin did the Wonton song.
Ring bells for service.

Offline Bill

  • Global Moderator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2508
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #8 on: Dec 07, 2004, 06:36 AM »
It would probably boost Santa's morale if some of us were mute.  Not pointing any fingers, mind you.

"Good", as only measured against others, could be moot.

And there you go again, raising the vistage of the anti-Claus.  Bet all the little kids that mindlessly wander in here looking for Santa and the Elves and advice on makin' a list wind up depressed and
disillusioned, ruining the festive nature of the holiday, forever.  And adults wonder why kids are jaded, dispirited materialistic little.....oops.

Humbug! Crikey
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #9 on: Dec 07, 2004, 06:54 AM »
Look, dangit.  The whole "Satan Claus" thing was brought up by the Elves, and Reindeer, in chatrooms past.  Or this one, last year.  It's not my dang fault they knock me senseless this time of year every dang year and take over my computer and poast that revolting stuff about them revolting.  

Plus, it was Scuzzy that poasted that ambivalent "no evidence of flying reindeer have been identified as yet although there are 300,000 living species unidentifed anyway, of course that includes plankton and other crud which you'd have to figure don't have the torque or aerodynamics to haul a 300,000+ ton sleigh into a low orbit trajectory, not to mention some as yet unnamed mammal or lizard or whatever, not that they're any more capable of hauling their reptilian or mammalian bottoms any better let alone old LardB&@! himself on the payload, who's estimated at a ton or so last we checked."  Yeah, like in "no evidence has surfaced yet of angry aliens being able and willing to attack Earth much like in Independence Day blowing us to smithereens and exerting their superior technology and ill will plus bigger grayer heads and large eyes, although there's still hope."  

Nice way to hedge your bets.... criminy.  And, as we so often discover, very little is ever my fault.  Again.

Ace; I'm the ray of sunshine around here, most days.  
Ring bells for service.

Offline Bill

  • Global Moderator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2508
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #10 on: Dec 07, 2004, 02:20 PM »
Maybe the admins should require kids and other helpless persons to apply SPF45 with all the dang sunshine around here -sunglasses at least.

Geez, that's right, blame the little toy makers.

Ever heard of a period?
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #11 on: Dec 07, 2004, 02:58 PM »
Yes, but it's not that time of month.

We'll see how chipper you are when the aliens come, huh.  One thing I remember about Elves is that they're surly.  Criminy, I oughta know, you know?

"little toy makers."  Little vulgar slovenly slackers who build shoddy products and then gripe because they didn't get their dang union authorized 15 breaks today.  Geez Surly Louise.

Oh, and if anyone wonders the origins of Geez Louise, check out today's Blondie comic strip.

Ace; like I never heard of one.  Give me a break.  Like I've been in a comma all this time.
Ring bells for service.

Offline Bill

  • Global Moderator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2508
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #12 on: Dec 07, 2004, 03:08 PM »
I read Blondie this morning and thought "geez",he stole that from ACE.
Never occurred to me it might be the other way around, nah, couldn't be.

I bet commas are pleasant, at least relaxing.  Reminds me of the infamous epitaph.

Here lies Mary, wife of John.
She is at rest.
And so am I, finally.
« Last Edit: Dec 07, 2004, 03:09 PM by luddite »
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #13 on: Dec 08, 2004, 04:18 AM »
Boy, that wasn't a very good haiku.  It didn't even rhyme.

Remember that movie where Steven Seagal is in a comma for a long time, and wakes up looking refreshed and in great shape?  That happens a lot in movies.  I think he had a beard, though.  Criminy, Rip Van Winkel would've been a shriveled, disoriented mess after that long.  Especially as they're finding sleep helps people lose weight.  Well, duh, if you don't eat during it you'd think so.  And the longer the sleep, the more weight.  Heck, death is a pretty sure way to lose weight, too.

Ace; I'm figuring Mary didn't write that.  I want to write my own, just to avoid someone sticking me with something like that.
Ring bells for service.

Offline Bill

  • Global Moderator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2508
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #14 on: Dec 08, 2004, 09:00 PM »
Now, first off, it wasn't a dang haiku.   Haikus are reserved for Farewell to Ace Poasts. It was an epitaph.  Can you say "a farewell saying on a tombstone"?  The sentiment is what's ( I used another one,just for you) important. John misses Mary, but not much.

Haiku supposed to rhyme?  Like Horner and corner?

And B, of course she didn't write it. John didn't write it either.  You can't write on stone.  John could not (one in a poast is enough) either.

Crikey!
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re:Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #15 on: Dec 09, 2004, 04:02 AM »
But you can vote ON Travis, if you have a sharp pencil or a pointy stick.  

Well, if neither of them wrote it, then who did?  Whom?  You mean there are professional epitaph writers, those being farewells incscribed on a tombstone, like there are greeting card writers?  Well, except instead of "Greetings" it'd be more along the lines of "seeya."  Well, maybe not "See ya" but more "I feel your dang feet and weight of your person on top of me, about 6 feet away, there."  That's if you're still there.  I would personally hope I am far away, especially as I'm not fond of being around dead things, particularly if it was myself.  Actually, I plan to be cremated, so there wouldn't be enough of me to hang around with if I wanted to anyway.  Not that I want to, or am looking forward to it.  I did torch one hand lighting the grill a couple weeks ago, so I guess that was sorta a trial run.

"Like 8 tiny reindeer immolating themselves racing through the upper atmosphere or lower at incredible speed carrying incredible weight incredibly fast, hauling someone incredibly fat."  I bet you guys thought this was never gonna come back to the topic at hand.  Well, at top.  Oh, ye of little faith.  Nobody's hijacking Santa Claus, while I'm around.

Ace; ok, I'm gonna leave now, so go ahead and do what you want with the merry fat elf.
Ring bells for service.

Offline scuzzy

  • Forum Cop
  • Administrator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 4584
  • Caveat Empty: Beware of jesters
Re: Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #16 on: Dec 04, 2007, 10:37 AM »
Hmm. I found this old poast lying around gathering dust.
Antec Performance TX640B Case | WinXP Pro SP3 & Win7 64-bit | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale LGA 775 3.16GHz Dual-Core | 8GB (4x2GB) PC6400 G-Skill RAM | eVGA 7600GT 256MB PCI-E | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 16MB Cache | 74GB WD Raptor SATA 8MB Cache | 320GB Seagate Barracuda SATA 16MB Cache | External 640GB WD Caviar SATA 32MB Cache | Sony DRU-V200S DVD/RW | PC Power & Cooling Silencer 500W | Samsung SyncMaster 2494 (24") LCD Monitor | LG Flatron W2361V (23") LCD Monitor

Offline Bill

  • Global Moderator
  • xTreme Poaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2508
Re: Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #17 on: Dec 04, 2007, 12:43 PM »
Bet Santa is fatter this year!

William the Scot
Antec 3700 | Gigabyte GA-EP45-UD3R | Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 Wolfdale 3.0GHz | 4 GB (4x1GB) DDR2 PC 5300 Kingston RAM | Antec NeoPower 550W | eVGA GeForce 9500GT 1GB 128 bit PCI Express 2.0 | Intel SSD X25-M 80GB | VelociRaptor 150GB | WD 80GB 7200rpm |Samsung 22x SATA Burner |Windows 7 32-bit

Offline Ace

  • Full Fool Administrator
  • Mighty Jester
  • xTreme Super Poaster
  • *
  • Posts: 5904
  • Ace; he's just not that into you.
Re: Is There A Santa Claus?
« Reply #18 on: Dec 04, 2007, 12:59 PM »
Geez. Didn't you read the part about letting dead things lie?  This is one chain that didn't need some dang epigram added.

KChris "Two Ton" Kringle brings toys, but not to the Biggest Losers on his list.

Ace; fattery will get you nowhere.
« Last Edit: Dec 05, 2007, 04:15 AM by Ace »
Ring bells for service.