No, not "death." Actually, I don't know if you feel much of anything during death.. Maybe you just stop feeling, entirely. And then just stop being, entirely. Although I don't know how you'd know you're no longer around to know you're not there. You know?
No, not the really horrific horrible feelings of life, like losing a person or puppy or kitten (but not a cat; that wouldn't be all that traumatic) or a bad illness or house fire or stuff like that.. Geez Louise, people, this is the Funny Bone! Stuff's supposed to be light-hearted and mirthy and jovial and like a Jester would produce or a couple of people split by Ohio, also known as The Great Divide and Land Of The Lost and Middle Earth... So, while Bill is struggling to come up some funny site-names and keep the New Material poast from dying on the vine, I thought as a sidelight we could present some of the lousy yet sorta funny things that cause us to cringe, especially if we do them to ourselves... And so, Worst Feelings in The World that aren't exactly deadly but are regrettable:
STARTING YOUR CAR WHEN IT'S ALREADY STARTED
This happens to people who either have cars that run pretty darn quietly and without vibration, or have really no short term memory or attention span. That horrible grinding of turning the key while the engine's running is like a dentist's drill going right through you frontal lobe, to my way of thinking..
SITTING DOWN IN YOUR CAR SEAT WHILE HAVING SCISSORS IN YOUR BACK POCKET
Only because I did this, once, in our Lumina. I had the scissors in the back pocket of my shorts, since we had just gone for a walk. They were point up, since I didn't want to damage the shorts. I don't remember why I had scissors; I know I wasn't running with them. But anyway for some reason I went out to the car to get something and sat down and felt a puncture and tug under me and went numb. And, yes, they ripped right through the side bolster. And, yes, I cursed a great many things, on heaven and earth. Mostly myself. Dang, it costs to get a seat repaired..
TOURING PENNSYLVANIA 20 MPH OVER THE SPEED LIMIT WHEN YOU COME UPON THE STATE POLICEMAN AROUND THE BEND
I had passed a 3 trailer UPS truck in our Tempo at 75 mph or so, which is harder than you'd think. And PA only had 55 for speed limit, which is still mostly does. And he was wearing shades and an authoritative stare and weapons and shiny boots and crisp uniform and he pointed at me and then offroad ahead of him and I saluted him and pulled over. He said I was speeding and I said I know. I explained why, to get around the behemoth. He sympathised with me. Then wrote up the ticket for $85 or so. Which I had to mail back into the Somerset courts. And I started to think "What could one buy with $85..?" and felt like crying. I'm glad though he didn't shoot me. I could've shot myself.
NOT BEING ABLE TO TURN YOUR IGNITION KEY WHILE PARKED AT TARGET ON A QUICK RUN FROM WORK
Yes, another car one. This happened recently; the ignition was locked up. Couldn't move it any direction. Absolutely frozen (not a cold day..). No cell phone; the wife carries it. Too far to walk back to work. I jiggled and jiggled and pounded the son of a and jiggled some more. Finally broke free and turned... hasn't done it since. I fear it will. Probably at a worse place/time.
YOUR DOG GREETS YOU AT THE DOOR WITH A BALEFUL EXPRESSION AFTER YOU'VE THROWN OUT THE TURKEY CARCASS AND A COFFEE CAN OF USED OIL
She had gotten into both, in the trash. It was coming out of both ends. Turkey has an effect on dogs even worse than humans. And cooking oil acts as an accelerant. What a goshawful mess.
YOU SEE A STRAY CAT CROSSING YOUR YARD AND REALIZE IT'S BLACK WITH A WHITE STRIPE DOWN ITS BACK
The skunk has a route that goes through our yard.... I actually watched it walking down the sidewalk one evening. And crossing the road (I thought it a squirrel as I drove up; but couldn't figure why a squirrel would be out at night, and was that large). I'm afraid we're gonna meet, at some point.
YOU TURN OFF OF 23 AND GO BLIND IN YOUR RIGHT EYE
Happened this summer... I turn off the main road for a side street to home, and suddenly my vision is blurred... I'm thinking "What in the world... eyelash? Torn retina? Stroke??" and I'm trying to drive with just my left eye and not a lot of depth perception and I'm trying to rub my eye to see if there is an eyelash that's somehow blocked my view and I find my finger goes right through my glasses to my eye
and I realize the lens somehow popped out, completely. I find it on my lap. I hate having my glasses break, but at that point it seems better than the other options I was considering.
USING THE MILKSHAKE TO HIT THE DOOR LOCK WHEN YOU GET HOME
Yes, from experience. Even I learn from that, over time. Had the bag of food and a shake... had the pop up door locks. Figure to hit the lock with the shake. Didn't consider the effect of a puncture wound on the bottom of the cup. I know, you wouldn't have done that... That's what makes me different than you, doesn't it.
REMEMBERING THE THING YOU NEEDED TO GET AT THE STORE THAT YOU DIDN'T WRITE DOWN BECAUSE YOU KNEW YOU'D REMEMBER
when you get home. Dangit.
DECIDING TO TWEAK YOUR BIOS TO GET THAT LAST LITTLE BIT OF PERFORMANCE TO YOUR PERFECTLY FINELY FUNCTIONING DANG VIDEO CARD
and finding your icons are gone, and are never to return, when you get to the desktop. It's funny how attached one can get to those... and how tedious it is to try to access every stinking thing through a 3 finger salute. I could also mention "Noticing a little countdown pop up that your computer is about to shut down, as a surprise" and learning all about Sasser. I'm surprised this thing works at all, let alone well, with me in the room with it.
Well, that's enough to start. Let's hear some more, just so I won't look like the only maroon here. Please.
AC/BC; can you say "Me so stupid"? I can.
I was thinking more along the lines of "DON'T HAVE IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE", but those seem to be good tips. I did pound on the wheel, with my fists, so I would think that could have been the 'loosening it up' part. And I did spray it with graphite stuff, after.
I don't know what you mean by the "unused original key" stored somewhere. Where?
Bbob.
Sure I got two sets of keys. What do you think I am, cheap? My wife gets one set and I get one set. I go to Meier's to have keys cut (they do ok with them there, too). So there's a few sets around. As far as "saving" one in a cookie jar somewhere... well, no. That'd just be wrong. Wasteful. Geez, a key is meant to be used. A key without a lock is a key without purpose, without meaning...
You know, I still have a key for my Neon. If I ever find it parked somewhere, it could be mine... Not that I'd want it. Stupid squeaky crummy fragile heap.
The rest of your story was interesting and imaginative. Fiction, but written ok.
A.B.
Johnny gave you the right advice, and this can/will happen with just about any car built since the 70s.
Sometimes the ignition will appear to freeze hard. This is usually caused by turning the steering wheel after shutting the car off and removing the key, forcing it to the next locking stop. The further that the steering wheel travels to the next locking stop, the harder it becomes to turn the ignition.
Usually, the steering wheel only travels a tad to the next stop, so normally it doesn't pose a problem. Sometimes, the steering wheel will be in just the right position when the car is shut off, and then travels quite a bit to the next stop.
For example, while using the steering wheel for support while getting in or out of the car, you inadvertantly turn the steering wheel a few inches to the next locking cog inside the steering column. Since the car is not running (thus no power steering) there remains a mechanical force that puts firm pressure against the ignition locking mechanism. When you try to turn the ignition key, it appears to be frozen.
The solution is to firmly turn the steering wheel in such a manner that it releases the pressure from the locking mechanism. Releasing the pressure will allow the ignition key to freely turn.
Experiment while the car sits in your drive way, and you'll soon see what I'm writing about.
Bottom line: It's your fault.
Solution: Turn youself in at your local jail.
WHY IS EVERY DANG THING i DO ALWAYS MY FAULT??!!
Criminy.
Ok, I can see me getting in and out of my car with my hands in the air not touching the wheel... That alone would be worth the price of admission. And probably locking up some part of my anatomy...
Of course Johnny gave me the right advice. Johnny always gives the right advice. Whether it's foto linking or audio editing or venturing downstairs with an open flame to see if the gas really is leaking, it's all good.
I trust all of you. That's usually my downfall.. I can just see me "practicing" with my steering wheel, shoving it this way and that with the car off, until I'm able to manually lock the dang thing up myself. And then I can say, "Why, I understand this mechanism quite well now. I have managed to force it into a compromising position and have rendered my motor vehicle useless. And intentionally so." And then I can add "And, if I had preserved an original key in pristine condition buried somewhere in my yard, this is the time I could go in search of it with scissors, taking care to place them point up in my back pocket so as to rip up my own driver's seat upon next entering my immovable object that was my Taurus, before I saw fit to make it my "4 wheel casette player." " I lost track of the dang quotes, too. "
And my name's not Bob, dangit. And I don't much like cats.
Worst feeling in the world....
Going up to a miserable-looking mate and saying "sheesh, who died?" and then finding out it was their brother, that afternoon. (this is the Funny Bone isn't it?).
Buying a brand new top-of-the-range PVR, setting it to record something and leaving it for a couple of hours, only to find when you return that the dog (Scud) has eaten the remote control and replacement remotes are not available seperately.
That feeling when you shut the front door behind you just as you realise that you have left the keys inside....
The feeling when you borrow someones car and realise that you have just filled it with Diesel when it should have been unleaded......
Reading through the first poast in this thread and then realising that there's actually more......
*Sigh* This is depressing just thinking about all these things.
Hey, Jude.
Those were great. I mean, sad, but great. That's what the doctor ordered. And I figured that about 90% of the horrible feelings I get aren't the "norm" for most people. Boy, that diesel one would really be tough. Well, and the dead thing, too.
I was just remembering that, at my dad's funeral, we set it up to play CD's that he liked/would have liked and had it piped into the viewing room. My aunt/his sister comes in, looks around puzzled, and asks "Is someone singing in there?" And I'm thinking; "Yes. Right. We hired a lounge singer to perform in the break area of the funeral home just for this occasion." Geez.
Ok; people. Keep them coming. Buffalaw stepped up. You know you guys have experienced some startling(ly stupid) stuff too, so let's hear it. I don't like it when I appear dumber than the other poasters.
I get used to it, sure, but I don't like it.
I shall remain nameless, for the time being.
Excuding New Orleans, I don't think I've ever heard music, let alone singing, at a viewing. 'Course I don't go to viewings but then.
If you ask enough people, everything becomes "normal". I think we should let the "dumber" comment, as furtile as it might be, alone. There used to be a fellow here that got annoyed over "dumb" and "stupid" jokes - we should show better taste.
Bill; smarter than the average bear, which isn't saying a whole lot.
Now look, if I'm going to claim I'm stupid nobody's gonna talk me out of it, dangit. I know dumb is relative. Especially my wife's relatives.
I understood about 15% of Johnny's story. I still enjoyed it, but that's usually how it goes with me. I blame him for that, too.
Here's a strange, maybe group feeling; Our President's 2nd Inaugral Inaugrual Inagral oh the "I'll take the job" speech commemorating the pursuit of freedom everywhere in the world even to the darkest reaches, while our capitol is in lock-down and under the highest of security alerts.
I'm surprised no one has come up with:
SIGNING INTO THE CHATROOM AND SEEING A NEW POAST BY BOBCAT or ENTERING THE FUNNY BONE AND SEEING AC I MEAN BOBCAT HAS ANSWERED EVERY POAST
I mean, if I were you, that'd make me sick.
How ironical, as my dad would say.
Getting a new set of knives and running your finger along the edge of one to see if they were as sharp as advertised, they were.
Going to pick up an ice cream cake on an 80-degree day, setting the cake and the car keys down in the trunk, while wrapping the cake in a towel so it didn?t melt on the way home. After I shut the trunk I spent at least 20 minutes retracing my steps to try and find those keys before in dawned on me where they were. Took another 45 minutes for someone to come and bail me out, another 30 minutes to get home with the cake. It was still frozen and everything turned out ok.
Sanding a floor with a drum sander and having the breaker blow. Went downstairs and turned the breaker back on and listened to the sander go crashing into the wall.
Taking the clean-out plug off of the drain line to the sewer to unblock a clog and having someone forget what you were doing and flush.
If I were you, that's a joke,son, I'd be tired and my fingers would be sore. As it is, it's only my seat.
I surprised the security isn't tighter here. They seem to let all manner of creatures (and people) belong.
?
Boy, pat, those were sure st
Funny. They were funny. That's what I was going to say.
You reminded me of when I was using a floor buffer at the Sears store in the early morning hours during my summer/college job, and it wrapped the cord and unplugged. And I plugged it back in. And it spun and caught me right in the ... guts. Stupid machine. I think it's ok to call inanimate objects stupid. Me, and inanimate objects. Not like I'm all that animated, either.
Our basement used to flood with sewage during heavy storms when the storm/sewer lines were a combined "1." So we had to tighten the shut off valve off, to block all outgoing and ingoing. and I remember yelling Don't Flush! Don't Flush! While using our downstairs toilet. And then, of course, muscle memory being what it is, hit the handle. And watched the tsunami rise up toward me.
?!; does a drum sander sound like a drum when it hits the wall?
My turn...
A couple of months ago I suspected my wife of having an affair. That's bad enough. You try going to work with this nagging feeling of "what is she doing?" going in your head.
She uses E-Mail a lot so I tried to hack into her account. No good. So I downloaded some spy software. You know the kind, it takes screenshots every thirty seconds or so. I install it, activate it and wait for her to check her mail.
Eventually she does and I wait for her ot finish. Only when she does finish she wants us to watch television.
"Oh I will in a minute love, I will just check my email"
"You already checked it"
Checkmate. I have to go and sit and watch television with the most excruciating feeling of curiousity ever. Eventually she goes to bed and I race to the computer, load up the spy software and check out the screenshots.
The guy I suspect her to be having an affair with has emailed her, I read it and feel like an arse. I won't divulge the contents, but it is quite clear that she isn't having an affair. I uninstall the program and reboot.
As the computer is booting back up, it flashes to the DOS screen and I get a message telling me that Windows crashed on the previous reset and to choose one of the options.
The options were 'Safe Mode', 'Use last working settings', 'Boot up as normal', etc. No matter what option I choose, Windows begins to boot up, and then the computer resets.
My HDD, I figure, is corrupt. I panic. ALL of my wife's University work is on this computer. ALL of my work is on this computer. I mean it hasn't been reformatted since 2003 and the backing up process for the upcoming reformat is taking days. THAT's how much stuff is on here.
I have no idea how to fix it, so tired I go to bed. I accidently wake her up. She asks what's wrong.
Smart answer - "Nothing love"
Stupid answer - "Computer is gone. All work is lost"
I chose the latter. She panics. She has an exam the following day but can't sleep now through worry. She gets pains in her chest. I calm her and tell her I can fix it. I tell her I will come home early from work. She finally goes back to sleep.
I've never felt so bad in all my life. First suspecting my wife, then realising I was stupid to suspect her, then realising my method of trying to suspect her put both of our entire livelyhoods on the line.
Happily I did fix the computer and everything is back to normal. She doesn't know what really happened and she never will.
I learned my lesson though. Next time I will hire a private detective.
That's funny; I just got another email from Englishman's wife...
No no no.. I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. That was a great short story. It could be a CSI episode. And just what I'd expect would happen if I tried to do something like that.
Bobpants; That'd be weird if she emailed this guy from work and said "he fell for the computer crashing ploy"...
Quote from: JohnnyOH on January 21, 2005, 06:24 hrs
Dude! She knows now!
And what's up with leaving out the best part?
Snooping around someone's private emails is bad enough, divulging the contents of those emails on internet message boards is past a line even I won't cross.
She won't know I posted this episode here anyway. After all I don't use 'Favourites' or Auto Complete.
Mind you.... unless she's got that spyware running.
Now there is a thought!
You could try what I do.
Now, mind you, this may sound a bit old-fashioned.
I trust her.
Quote from: pat on January 21, 2005, 07:17 hrs
You could try what I do.
Now, mind you, this may sound a bit old-fashioned.
I trust her.
You trust my wife? Brave thing to do since you've never met her.
Look, Pat, I know I am the bad guy of the piece. So understand me, I do trust her. If I didn't trust her then I wouldn't have been married for as long as I have been.
However sometimes things happen. Wires are crossed and thoughts are born. This doesn't mean that the deep trust between husband and wife is severed, it just means that worries linger around it.
I don't trust any of you, especially pat. After we went out to Hacienda for a margarita again, she said all sorts of things about him that I could hardly believe...
I trust Bill. I trust he'll show up here soon today.
I don't even trust myself. I don't even know who I am, anymore. Maybe a "CSI: Michiana" could find out. Or "Missing Persons." Heck, I'd rather watch Poppy on there, anyway.
SquareBob; sponge pants. They help.
Pat doesn't trust my wife?! I'm saddened.
I mean I trust his, the least he could do is return the favour. I trust everyones wife to be honest and if they're not married yet, then I trust them to find a wife who I can trust.
Sorry, what were we supposed to be talking about again, trust me to take us off topic.
Quote from: JohnnyOH on January 21, 2005, 07:16 hrs
???CSI: Manchester, England
(for Englishman: you might not know that we here in USA have at least three
CSI shows on the tele.)
CSI means Crime Scene Investigation.
Las Vegas, Miami and New York are CSI shows here.
There is a standing (or is it running?) joke about what city will be next to have a CSI show named after it.
So, CSI: Manchester, England is not as far-fetched as it might appear.)
Hey JOH.
We get the CSI shows here too. Las Vegas and Miami anyway, I haven't seen any New York yet. We also get the many different flavours of Law & Order, Star Trek, etc. etc. and I think we're on series 294 of Friends.
Boy, when you guys find a successful franchise you sure like to milk it.....
Still, I guess it's more work for us actors.
Nice to know one is trusted for something.
Worst feeling in the world not to be trusted, by someone.
We seem to "milk" poasts as well, each is sort of its own franchise. Maybe we could "franchise" these and have them simultaneously "posted" on forums around the world for the enjoyment of all. I can think of a forum or two where they would be well received.
Jack Malone would probably a better choice, but in your case, you leave traces everywhere, 3200 of them.
No, "we actors" are small scottish actors. And it's "wee" not "we".
We (us Brits) get US shows that are bought by the UK broadcasters. Notably channel 5 (recently imaginatively renamed "five") have a regular evening slot called "America's Finest" where they show back-to-back shows as follows;
9pm - CSI Miami
10pm - CSI Las Vegas
11pm - Law & Order SVU
12pm - Something else about American crime-fighting.
By the end of the evening you feel as though most people are either dead, in jail or in the police force. That's not to say that I don't enjoy it. In fact, I am a big fan of CSI and Law & Order - Criminal Intent. Not such a fan of L & O - SVU because Iced T's acting kind of puts me off. Anyway, I'm usually asleep before the end of that lot.
Jude
Criminal Intent would be less annoying if Detective what's his face would stop bending and cranning his neck to look at the perps in the face. What an annoying affection. Besides, anybody that smart should be something other than a NYC Detective.
Now be careful with the "wee" comments. laddie.
If your big enough to haegus there not much "wee" about us.
Hee hee. Where a kilt on a cold day in the Scottish highlands and you will be "wee", I'll tell ya that laddie!
Detective what's his face is a bit freaky I'll grant you that. And I have also wondered what a clever sod like that is doing slumming it in the police force when he could clearly just go on some quiz show and win a fortune or become a highly-paid consultant or something. Then I realised that it's just made up and they are only acting really.
Detective Goren, that's his name. (well, actually it's Vincent D'Onofrio but I think I'd stick to the character name if I was him).
And it had to be "William"
Bill; formerly a cop
Here's another "Worst Feeling":
You've been arrested in NY, and are under interrogation by a weird twitchy bending craning staring confrontational Detective Goren, who is sarcastically challenging your every comment
when
suddenly
he turns into a giant cockroach and eats you.
AlienBob
In NYC it would probably be a giant rat, or just an average size NYC rat. Just as hard to kill and almost as ugly. Fortunately rats nibble not consume. They start with no nevermind.
Baggins
Englishman,
You know, I thought about this today.
If I spoke out of turn, please accept my apologies. It just seemed sort of extreme.
pat
Nah we're cool. I just don't want anyone to think I fly off the handle about this sort of thing.
No need to apologise.
Well, let me say, your both nuts.
One, for insinuating your wife is having an affair with pat, and you need to download spyware just to see if you can freeze the activity on your computer.
The other, for thinking you're ok with having your wife meet me for drinks every so often.
Well, not that often. I mean, never, at this point. But still, it could happen. Who's to say? Not me, that's for sure.
And I think we're all in agreement that Poppy rules, down under. Although she's getting kinda thin, and weird in her poses. Probably figured out she's pretty hot, and trying to be cool.
I guess we've all been there, huh.
Also, I'd like to apologize to Englishman for Buffalo imitating art, and Jude Law. If it was up to me, he'd imitate Angelina Jolie. At least pictorialy. Really.
I think a NY rat would be dang big. I once saw a river rat crossing the street near my house.. it snarled, and slunk off the road.
What the heck do rats nibble, and not consume...? Drugs? White mice? Other rats? Leftover Ruffles? Peanuts left out for the Giant SQUIRRELS!!!?
Just curious. Yellow.
Billcat. The check's in the male.
Thank you J'Oh for explaining that reference to Poppy from Australia/down under.
I should now like you to explain all the other references in my recent poast.
Thank you.
Blob; this could help me understand what I'm getting at, I think.
Quote from: X on January 21, 2005, 19:17 hrs
Also, I'd like to apologize to Englishman for Buffalo imitating art, and Jude Law. If it was up to me, he'd imitate Angelina Jolie. At least pictorialy. Really.
Well, if that's what you want......
Luv from Angie xxx
Well, heck yeah. I mean, I like Jude Law. But I'd rather look at her.
Johnny, I've found most of my exercise is futile... I'll try shoveling snow, but I haven't been lifting weights so I better take it easy. That's what snowblowers are for... I'll tell you, the neighbor next to Murphy had her kid and husband over to do her driveaway. They actually got a little scraper shovel to try to loosen the remnants stuck to the concrete, to shovel THEM off... We're talking about a foot of snow, and to see someone that fastidious is just... stupid. It's like watching Murphy rake, then try to keep the leaves from leaving.
Angie in the Buff. It's a dream come true.
OX OX
X
The husband and kids are invited guests? Sure its really its her husband?
X, if that's your real name, welcome to Poasters, you and your imported 3200+ poasts.
Not snowing on the east coast but particularly chilly.
I've got the chips stove working overtime in the tunnel and if you see Buff, let him know I need some more.
Would seem time to rewrite the Players Program, again.
Go easy with the snowblower. Last year Trav rode the front and look what happened to him.
X1; no fancy colors for me.
Poasters: The X Files.
Ok, so after Murphy's neighbor Bev had her daughter/daughter's husband over to scrape down and polish and buff the driveway, Murphy came out.
Here's the deal; blind is blowing pretty firmly out of the North. If you're snowblowing, it's gonna Go South. Murphy is doing the North side of the driveway first (ours face E-W) on that strip. He's pointing the blower North. So each pass he's blowing it into the wind, into his face. He stands exhausted at the end of the driveway, looking puzzled and disgusted. The points it North again and blows it back. Again. And again.
Next, he'll probably try to tie down plastic over the drifts, to keep them from blowing away...
X; I'm glad I'm in here and not out there. He's better than any TV comedy.
I have to wonder where he thinks he is going to go after it gets cleaned off.
I shovelled a path for me and the dog, about 6 feet, but 2 minutes out and we were back in the house.
Scully and Muldoon
Officer Muldoon? Gunther Tooty?
I think that's nice of you to go, with your dog. A lot of people would just send the poor pooch out by himself, and they'd stay inside to go. It's a show of comradery, and solidarity, to go out with your dog. Women tend to go to bathrooms together, but for guys it's usually a solo thing...
Xit stage left.
Ace, if that's really your name, now, thanks for at least thinking I have good intentions with the dog. Unfortunately couldn't be farther from the truth.
I prefer indoor plumbing.
The pooch is a fairly new acqusition of my son's. About a 60 lb. Pit/Black Lab mix, 18 months old. The son is away. While we have a rather large back yard it is not fenced and, being an 18 month old puppy, large but still a puppy, Fido can't be trusted to run loose, mind his manners or come back.
I doubt the neighbors, or their kids, would enjoy being bowled over by an energetic, black steamroller that comes screaming out of the darkness. So, I take the monster out, regularly. On the other hand, he arrived here completely house broken, a not so small bit of good fortune.
Guess its a good thing you finished the driveway before you started to feel poorly. Probably a long walk to the ER. And don't worry about the blood tests. Many people have a BAC of .1 at 11am.
Bill; I let it melt.
I'd let it melt, too, but I think we're looking at mid-June as the heat wave to break 30 degrees.
That's one rolling ball of fur you've got there. I wouldn't wanna get in his way if he was in a hurry for something.
I gotta look at what BAC is.. if it's blood alcohol level, then I'm going to get it checked. It's usually much higher than that. I hope I don't have to go on blood thinners; that means light beer, again.
AXe
If it really was breakfast related and indigestion, you should be able to keep on keepin' on.
Now then, back to work. Fun's over, tote that barge, lift that bale, count the bananas....
Bill; formerly know as slave-driver
Yes, I have bananas. I already had one; I'm trying to fiber-up too. My luck I'd lift the barge and tote the bale. I don't want to lift anything... I thought about doing weights today, but then thought "well, let's not." I gotta see the regular doc this week; the one who gave me the Bextra. Wonder what stock they're trying to dump off now before its banned...
I am looking forward to football. I am looking forward to those fans sitting for 4 hours in 15 degrees. I am looking forward to that in 66 degrees and a Heineken. I hope it's the Steelers and the Eagles in The Bowl. And I'm glad my blizzard has moved on to Southside Johnny and the Asbury Duke.
Sorry. It's just that I had enough of it. Pat too, probably. Enjoy!
Ace; that'll teach you to live downwind from me.
Quote from: Ace on January 23, 2005, 10:53 hrs
I hope it's the Steelers and the Eagles in The Bowl.
Mark it down that on this day, January 23 2005, I agree with Ace on his desire for the Super Bowl. :-[ It won't happen again, I promise. ;)
Well, if it was up to me, it'd be the Bears and Colts. But, so little is up to me.
I hope the Pats lose (no, not you Pat) just so Charlie Weis can start his Era (Ara) as Messianic Coach Of The Fighting Irish. He'll be a slave driver non pareil.
Ace; I don't even know how to pronounce that, let alone what it means.
I have, indeed, had enough of winter.
If I had my choice between who played in the Super Bowl. I'd go down to Australia and watch the open.
Well, sure. I could go down under. Smell the Poppys... Federer will continue his untouchable streak. Sorta like me. We're both untouchable.
Look, nobody wants to touch me.. that's what I meant. I have a Wilson racket much like Federer's. We're both right handed...
Ok; that's as far as I can take it. My brother has a racquet like Roddick's. Ok; that's as far as that comparison goes.
Ace; The Iggles are in. The Stillers soon to follow. I've been through Pennsylvania, so I can relate.
Unfortunately the only "Go" for the Steelers is home.
I think they paid the ultimate price for having a rookie Q-back. These rest seemed to bring their game.
Good Night, Johnny.
Bill
When I saw the news, they were showing Ed McMahon and I thought he died. If I had to vote a comedian dead I would've chosen Pauly Shore or Adam Sandler, and not Johnny.
That guy with the Mohawk Afro on the Eagles was pretty funny... My brother thinks he's Letterman, sometimes; unfortunately, sometimes he is.
Ace; I'm a sitdown comic.
Well, yes. But, Carson literally dropped off the scope, missing, gone, not visible, hibernating at FairLawn, for years. Today is not any different than last Saturday or a week ago Saturday. The humor survives on tape, but he's been gone for a long time.
Typical, self-centered, "what have you done for me lately", geez it's cold, get outta my way, dangit, NY-ish attitude. Normal for Mondays, for me.
Bill; winter brings out the best in people.
Got a new worstest feeling, that would be meaningful to anyone in an office setting:
After having mailed out a batch of client/customer letters, finding a typo nicely in place (after various revisions). And the worser/stupider it reads, the badder it gets...
Criminy. I should have been an English Colonel.
Ace; and, no, spell check would not have caught it. And, if you're Amish, grammar check will pretty much match your diction in Word.
Gets even worse if your name's on the bottom and this mailing was intended to drum up new business and impress clients and prospects with your professionalism.
I have been there....and I always blame it on the help.
"Yeah, I know. He /she is no longer with us, as of yesterday." "If you don't do it yourself, nothing is ever right." "We really strive for better performance and anyone not capable of meeting our quaility standards doesn't last long."
Hope your resume is up to date.
Tomorrow or the next day might be fun. Call in sick.
As a resume writer, my resume is always up to date.
I don't have any "help." Just my cohort, in my position. I don't hesitate to blame her for anything. That's the downside of working with me.
If push comes to shove, I'll shove you right in front of an incoming train. It's a dog eat cat world out there. It's raining men.
Ok, I don't know what that last one had to do with anything.. I was watching American Idol, and I guess it's a flashback. Hey; you know what judge would be the best Poaster?
Kenny Login.
Man, I am on a roll today. Sesame seed, I think.
Ace; Jesters are idle. Idol. Dangit.
So it would seem, are the poasters.
bill; one of 2 announcers.
Look; that's the risk when you work in radio. Some days nobody is watching.
There'd be more activity but Travis has everyone going through their dang DVD collections and hauling out their typewriters to type up the titles so they can scan them into their computers then cut/paste the list into a poast.
Here's another "Worst Feeling In The World":
You see that Travis has added a new poast entitled "What ____ do you have in your collection?" So far I think we've had cd's and DVDs and photos of yourself taken by yourself in your mirror in front of yourself. Probably next will be:
1. Name all the spices in your kitchen!
2. Identify all the types of coasters you've lifted from Outback Steakhouse over the years!
3. What color of towels are in your bathroom!
4. How may records do you have boxed up in your crawl space or basement? (or in my case, the crawlspace in my basement).
5. How many steps is it from your front door to the street?
Ace; huh. I gotta go check that one. I don't notice except on recycling day or trash pickup.
You're suggesting Poasters are not multi-task capable?
Well, OK. I'm not either but I am cooperative:
curry, salt (lots)
round paper,
purple,
79 in the attic,
27, did that this morning.
Bill; put your hands together for the veritable font of semi-useless information.
Well; let's see if anyone can top that!
Let's. See.
Ace; I'm thinking salt isn't my friend, right now.
No, probably not but it sure makes things taste better.
Why don't you take the salt you have a spread it on the front walk? Not going to waste and not making you any worse.
Geez, such stimulating material!
I think it's simulating material.
Maybe we should add some more Trav-like opinion polls and surveys... how about:
How many books and magazines and DVDs do you have like the ones taken into evidence by searching Michael Jackson's bedroom..?
That could get some interesting lists.
Ace; "The Boy"
And probably get some folks arrested. And that would be problematic. I mean who else besides someone like Jackson can afford a 'Dream Team" just to support their reading habits?
NJ Headlines today - "Cyber Crimes units arrests 36 in porno internet ring." Yes, granted it's NJ, home and final resting place for various "connected persons" and preferred vacation spot for NY Smart Fellows. Also know as The Great Barrier State, so named for its divided secondary roads and uh, where was this going.
Ok, yeah, I think I prefer to keep my reading list to myself, thank you very much.
Bill;
Heck, I don't mind showing folks my reading material. Of course, you're gonna have to come into the bathroom, where my library is...
Ace; except for the "I Spy" books, that we keep in the living room. With the J.C. Penney's catalog.
We keep the Penney catalog in the bathroom, right next to the Sear's catalog, in case we run out.
Now there is a "worst feeling".
Oh, if you met me I'm sure you'd find me memorable. Heck, everyday at work, people seem to remember me. Well, sure, some don't, but the majority do. I even get biscuits for the stupid pooch. I maintain its her fault.
Yes, I know I referred to her as "he" earlier... it was a typo. Geez. Like the dog's gonna read this, you know?
My dog could read. Well, she could read me... she knew if I called her into the hallway, which meant crossing the kitchen tile, it was all going to come to no good... The jump. The shout.. The wheels spinning... the skid.
And then the infernal barking. Criminy, that dog would bark for absolutely no reason.
Ace; dog's need to trust their masters. First, I had to convince her who was leading the dang pack. You'd think she'd get that, over time.
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. Why should she get it? Think she wanted to follow you around? Geez Pointy hat with bells would make anything bark, or at least object, loudly.
You know, first there has to be a master....
Bill; you misspelled my favorite vodka.
Your favorite vodka is called "biscuits"...? That's just weird.
"Yes, I'll have the buttermilk biscuits and a martini, thank you. Make that with Biscuits, if you would my good man."
Ace; unless he meant "lead dog." I've had Mad Dog, but that's not good in a mixed drink at all. Maybe it's a vodka called "Wheels Spinning." I could see that might be appropriate.
Actually it's Master's, with the apos - you know one of
these " ' ".
Although "buttermilk biscuits" sounds interesting, but then anything goes with vodka.
I know "ER" goes with pancakes.
"Master's vodka." What grain did they use for that? Rye? Wheat? Potatoes? Onion buns? Pumpernickle?
I'll have to send Bill a bottle. That would be a nice jester. Gesture.
ace; after I drain it.
If you can find some in Iana, that would be a nice gesture. It would help you celebrate life. But if you decide to sample it, don't bother to refill the bottle.
"ER" goes with pancakes like Bacon goes with "EKG"
"Stress tests" go with fun like "Hangovers" go with smiles.
Don't get me started on analogies.
Bill; I didn't have to run for mine.
We can have an analogy game called "Simile Smilies." Pose different ones, with an appropriate emoticon. That'd be a swell way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
Or not.
The snow's melting, so at least that's keeping me inside. I'm doing the treadmill, to practice for Tuesday. I hope to set a record. Hey, wouldn't it be something to have Treadmill in the Olympics?
Right up there with "floor exercise" and "synchronized poasting."
Getting to the bottom of a poast is like getting to the bottom of your vodka bottle; it seems like clear sailing, but then it gets foggy at the end. 8) those are foglasses, not sunglasses.
Ace; there's no place like homepage.
If we just skip the analogies and move right to the emoticons Trav could play too. :P :P :P :P
Swell, now we'll trade hipboots for snowboots. Water, water everywhere, and the boards ain't shrinking. Water, water everywhere and the furball has lots to drink.
Practicing is futile, except for the benefit of the exercise.
It's either gonna pass or not, one. [A little Southern syntax for all the linguistic Higgins's here. (Two s s just didn't look right and a dash has to be incorrect.)]
Brackets prolly ain't right either.
Bill; dangit.
A flooded Monday can't be good. They're hard enough without being wet too. I think that was a song title..."Flooded Monday.." Oh, hold it. "Stormy Monday" maybe. It was a little before my time.
My time is 7:52. Wait; hold it. It just changed.
Of course it's for the benefit of exercise. Geez, it's not like I eat All Bran because of the "taste."
Bracketing parenthetical statements is getting pretty high tech. Half the time I'll use a paranthese(s) and forget to include the other one, so it's like I lower my voice to make an "aside" and then just drift off without finishing my thought...
So..
Huh. I forget what I was going to say. Probably something about bathing a furball, since it's wet out anyway.
Ace; I don't have either hipboots or snowboots. I've just got one pair of hightops. ??? I almost forgot to use an emoticon
Ah, the master of the stage whisper...if only you could remember what
What what?
You know, I was just looking in the mirror and reflecting on the giant dome forming in the crater at Mt. Saint Helen's.
Ace; I always get stage right and stage left confused.
Must be one heck of a mirror to pick up reflections from Washington. Or were you contemplating something closer?
Sounds like you and Ledy could belong to the same club. Both Winners, at least Saturday. Hey, one out of eight isn't too bad for a guy about to retire. He could already be asleep at this desk or on the floor, if he still goes in the gym.
Bill; exit stage up.
Ledy? Who the heck is "Ledy"? I know Marv Levy... I am completely at a loss as to whom this is.
I need Johnny to poast a Ledy link, or something. I am clueless. "Go down to the ledy...?" I'm lost.
Ace; I hate it when stuff stumps me.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/foxybill/Ledy.jpg)
So I misspelled his name....Not being a Boilermaker myself, it was close. " one of eight" and "Saturday" and the "gym" should have been enough....
You must be distracted by something.
Oh, yeah, I remember - Tuesday.
Bill; I hate running.
Well, sure, except it was Sunday... And there's no "L" in Keady. Otherwise it was a great clue. Like in that "Where's Waldo" where they're all hidden behind the wall.
Nice photo of King Keady. His hair is more black this year; darker than an eel's esophagus. It's a color not found in nature. And good coverage, for the middle part. It's hard to get a side part to come up from your shoulder...
Maybe Trump and Keady could compete in "Hair That's Not Human."
I nominate you for Honorary Boilermaker, for thinking of them. I don't think much of them, this year. I had hoped they'd carry Keady out on their shoulders... and dump him in the Wabash.
Ace; 1 in a row.
That's one heck of a winning record!
Thanks for the nomination but I'd prefer to be served a Boilermaker than be one. Think I'll stay a Bronc.
By the way, if you don't own an umbrella:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/foxybill/flyinpigs.jpg)
Bill; Jimi played the dice and lost.
Flying Pigs; at war. That is too cool.
Here's some "Worst Feelings" I thought of:
1. Looking in the mirror and seeing Gene Keady looking back.
2. Looking in your bed and seeing Mrs. Gene Keady.
3. Having a boatload of Purdue caps, shirts and sweatshirts you can't wear in public, out of embarrassment.
4. Any day IU wins.
5. Finding out a Boilermaker actually tastes like a Boilermaker.
Bleah.
Ace; I'm glad I'm not a bucking bronc, just because I don't want to say that 5 times fast.
I had one this morning:
The kid is too smart to come back home in the winter and the son's puppy is now Dad's albatross...at 7:15, pre-coffee.
bill: Broncs didn't do much bucking when I was there.
That has got to be one heavy furry necklace to wear around. I suppose it's like in the poem, with water water everywhere. Although ours is still solid and white for the most part. Well, grayish white. Well, brownish grayish... offwhite. Really dirty white.
That's almost an oxymoron. I think that's the stuff you add to the laundry, to make whites whiter. OxymoronClean.
Ace; a whiter shade of pale, I guess.
Thank somebody the the Oxymoron that was hyping that stuff is gone from TV. Talk about an anoying commercial!
How about just dirty, sloppy, used to be pretty for about 5 minutes, slush underfoot that makes walking a trial.
Speaking of trials, magic man shows up in white for for jury selection? What's that about?
Well, geez, he is white. Maybe he thought it'd be like camouflage, and nobody could see him then.
ace; he's all white by me.
That's fine, except I was talking about the defendant.
And, yes, I know. I misspelled annoying - just to see if you'd catch it. Too bad.
Pigs with wings, hmmm, with special sauce and a sesame seed bun.
Glad you're back, again.
Bill
Well, if I described what's in the briefcase in YOUR bedroom accurately and then it was taken custody into evidence, I guess YOU"D have some explaining to do.
Or "splaining" if you're Ricky Ricardo.
Ace; I always felt a strange affinity to Lucille Ball. Although I've only smoked one Cuban.
How the heck did you find out about that stuff anyway?
Two copies of PC World and Nerds R Us, and a bootleg copy of AOL 9.0 Optimized. That would be the Killer at trial.
I don't 'splain to nobody. Ba ba loo!
Wha I red is my bisinezz.
I go with the PC Worlds too. Not like I understand it, but I like the pictures. And Car & Driver, and/or Motor Trend. And Guitar Player. And Edwin Watts golf equipment catalogs.
Sometimes I'll sneak a peak at my wife's "O" for "Oprah" mag. I like the ads. Wait; it's all ads.
Ace; I was just guessing on the briefcase. I keep mine in a drawer.
You keep your drawers in the bathroom. I generally wear mine. I take Karl's advice: "Don't leave home without them."
I wonder if lawyers wear legal briefs. I do; I wonder.
Here's a new one:
Worst feeling... Seeing a new poast chain devoted to underwear of Poasters.
Ace; can't wait till Johnny sends an explanatory link.
Had the worst feeling in the world yesterday. A server at work decided to lock up which was very unusual as it is Unix based. Anyway, the worst feeling came when I rebooted it and the screen just decided to display the same error message over and over.
Device I/O error writing to target......
It took various parts "borrowed" from other machines, lots of cursing and over 14 hours of sweat and tears before I could get it back to it's former state.
Now all I've got to do is fix the other machines that I dismantled......
Boy, I read that about the server crashing and error message and all the work and trouble you had to go through to get things fixed and how hard that all was and discouraging and I kept thinking
"Man, Angelina Jolie sure is hot. That's a good photo."
Ace; while you're doing all that other fixing of other stuff, keep poasting those photos.
That's really funny. I read about Buff's "worst feeling"
and was thinking: man, that's cool, Buff gets to work with servers all day and all those high tech toys - better than an all day visit to Best Buy.
Who the heck is this Jolie person? Some funny stand-up comic? Are you sure it's not spelled "Jolly"?
Bill; Techies R Us is another super pasttime.
I have yet another "Worst Feeling In The World" to offer (as a warning)...
You're standing on a sidewalk in the midst of a huge spread of pigeon droppings, and say "Huh. I wonder where these are coming from."
Ace; you wonder.
If you hapen to be in NYC, you are more likely to get it by a car or taxi on the sidewalk tha a pigeon.
Bill; I always wear a hat.
I will raise from this poast from the dead with another tale of worst feelings.
Working on an electric switch box and already being somewhat apprehensive, when someone takes your picture with a flash.
For goodness sakes, what an experience that is??..
I guess always bring a change of clothing while working with electricity, huh.
I'd like to see a poast of that photo...
Ace; shock the monkey.
Well, my wife gave me her latop last weekend to remove some spyware. Having done that job, I decided to give it a "tune-up" while it was still in my possession. Part of the tune-up was a defrag and after getting about 60% through, I was presented with the "blue screen of death". All I could do was re-power and this left me with a laptop that wouldn't boot, even into safe mode.
I booted from a Win XP CD and ran chkdsk but that just told me that there were unrecoverable errors on the hard disk. I didn't have the recovery CD's or anything and I couldn't fix it.
The worst feeling was when I had to call her (she was at ther mother's) and tell her that it was borked. She broke down in tears and told me about all of the stuff that was on there that she didn't want to lose. It didn't seem like the right time to remind her that I told her to make backups of anything valuable........
She took it back to PCWorld and they have confirmed that the hard disk has died. Luckily, they say that they have managed to salvage a lot of the data.
Even though the problem was not of my doing, I just can't help feeling guilty about the whole thing.
Buff; I guess my name's Mud, for a while at least.
Well, no wonder she's upset. Here you are married, but you're cavorting all over the web with Angelina Jolie.
You had better just send all those photos to me... That's the only way you'll be able to patch things up, and get on her good side. As far as Angelina, try to include all sides. And throw in some of those Elishas and Avrils, too. That's a menagerie of trois I could find very meaningful.
Well, wait a minute... if the three of them are together, as a threesome, then I or anyone else would be... not there...
Ok; that would be the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD.
Ace; catchy title. I wondered how I'd work that in.
Thanks JA. Or whatever you're calling yourself these days.
I think the Angelina thing is OK with my wife. Besides, she is probably "Ashton Kutchering" all over the web herself. Something like that.
I can't be jealous of an avatar.
Buff; Get your own dang pictures.
Oh, fine. Here you are, the two of you, carousing all over the web with your paramours, and then you try to hide your degradation and shame by telling me I have to source out my own photos of lustful indulgence.
Dangit.
When I read that, it was like the 2nd most WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD.
Ace; personally, I do not see the attraction to Ashton Kutchar.
OK; go answer it, willya? Criminy. I hate a ringing phone.
Waiting for the dang thing to go through 4, just to get to the machine, is annoying enough to me.
Look; I agree with you on the Angelina/Ashton conundrum. Really, I don't want to run into either one of them. But I am NOT about to admit to MY WIFE that I have NO INTEREST in cavorting around MY HOUSE with ANGELINA JOLIE let alone ASHTON Kuchter... I mean, I'd just as soon never see her again but I have my PRIDE you know and reputation, as a man of the world...
And, no, I'd just as soon Brad Pitt not appear here wondering where old "what's her name" is... I do not need that.
I did talk to Murphy tonight, but I didn't exactly invite him over, after, either.
Ace; I definitely do not want to spend the night with Ashton, here.
But spending the night with Murphy would be OK. What the heck is this place coming to? Crikey!
You know you don't have to wait for the 4 rings. Turn off the dang ringer. I do it regularly. It was a tip in a book "How to avoid Nasty Bill Collectors" by Willie Nelson, et. al.
Bill; not a collector.
Listen, if you just answer the phone, somebody who is calling thinks yo have nothing better to do. And then there is no excuse for not doing what they are going to ask you to do for them. Which is why they called in the first place.
Bill; I'm busy.
I'd rather guess "Who was that on the phone, I wonder" than answer it. If I set it to 1 ring, then I gotta move fast TO answer it. I can get it anywhere in the house in 4. If I'm choosing not to at the moment is when I gotta wait it out.
I'd rather someone email me. I have a written record, can respond in kind, and don't have to talk about it.
Here's me at work:
someone: "Are you busy..?"
me: "I'm always busy."
someone: "Can I ask you a question?"
me: "You just did."
someone: "Oh.. can I ask you another one?"
me: "You just did."
Personally, I don't want money. I just want the stuff you buy with it.
Ace; write me if you're ever in town.
That's not uncommon. Yesterday, I reached someone I've been chasing for a week. The other party said "send me an email, I'd rather not talk about -----"
I thought, "well, that would give you more time to figure out how you're going to shape your answer." Not tell me the answer to the question but avoid an outright fabrication.
Bill; third ear wisdom.
Shoot, my third ear is blind.
Ace; I usually like to wait a bit on Bill's poasts, to fabricate an answer.
Sum something. Not "tidy" though. Detrius scattered all over at the moment.
Just replaced my failed cable modem with a new docsis 2.0 motorola sb5100.
Finally got it working. Dang DNS stuff. Dang IP address stuff.
Dang cable company.
Seems to be faster though.
Bill;
I guess that's a compliment. "You're a tidy sum..." That sounds better than "You're a tidy remainder" or "You're a tidy subtraction" or "You're a tidy denominator". I suppose.
I can't think of too many times I describe anyone as "tidy." Maybe that's what's throwing me, as an adjective. "Well now, you're quite the tidy idiot, aren't you"... No, I don't think I've ever used that. "Gee, honey, that's some tidy dress you have on." Nope...
"Hey, get your tidy )#*@ out of my way, you sum, you." I don't think I've ever tried that.
Ace; shoot, now my 2nd ear has an eyelash in it..
Oh. Ok. I guess that makes sense. Sorta like "Hi Bill, You Old Money Bag." Probably good to interject the "money" part in there.
I think that's what Danny DeVito meant when he said "Of course you need money. That's why they call it 'money.'" ".
I didn't have any great grandparents. I mean, my grandparents were great; they really were. But they weren't great grandparents. Just normal old grandparents. Not that old, I guess, when I first met them. The ones who lived did get old, then, later.
I'm not a humma, usually. And it really bothers me when somebody is doing that at work.. or whistling. I mean, leave it at home, you know? I'd like to say "Hey, knock it off, you sum____."
Sumthing. I've never lost my cable, using dialup. I guess that's like saying "I've nevre tried to outrace a cop, in my Taurus." Duh. Huh.
Ace; there's days I think that when I was born my folks would've gotten an "error" message.
Well I hope you didn't sign up for DSL just so you could be here more often, and quicker. You seem to scare Ace frequently enough without being able to really sneak up on him.
Humma
Humour
Humus
Chick peas and garlic , all mashed up. Offspring's favorite - it smells like a panda.
Bill; even Oust doesn't work.
I thought humus was like fertilizer.
I believe we should proclaim the Humerus as the Official Funny Bone Bone.
Ace; no, it's not the one in my head. dangit.
Humus is like fertilizer, at least it tastes about the same.
"Humerus" , is that English?
Bill;
How the heck would I know; I'm American. Actually, it's probably Latin or Greek or some other dead language. No offense to any Greeks whom might be here.
Figuring out what fertilizer tastes like is like figuring out if a pet food has an improved flavour... I mean, who's testing it, you know?
You should never leave a semicolon hanging there, like that. That causes a dangling particular clause, where you have the antecedent but then no conclusion. Sorta like the end of days, where the anti-Christ gets born anyway and losing the head demon didn't seem to cause the bad guys any lost sleep and just when the space fireworks were about to start they all leave the beach to run inside... So now we gotta wait 20 or 30 years for both kids to grow up, to fight it out.... That thing's gonna stretch longer than "Lost" before they're done with it.
Ace; shoot, what was the dang question... I hate that.
Bet you didn't know that 20% of the "dog food" in the US is purchase for human consumption. Poverty does strange things.
Was there a question? I don't remember asking a question. But then I don't remember a lot or alot.
Did I forget the tag line?
;
Humerus; The long bone of the arm or forelimb.
It's a latin word meaning upper arm.
Buff; what's a forelimb?
Thank you Dr. Buff.
Forelimb comes right after thirdlimb but before ....
Bill; Fido has five, counting his wagging sledgehammer.
Yes. Funny bone. in your arm. Latin. Hence, the joke. Talk about going out on a limb.
Here's the tag line:
Ace; your it.
The latest worst feeling is having your LED flashlight drop on its nose. Or, your nose, breaking the blub. Not to mention the glasses.
Geez, this place is getting weird, to quote the collective JimS.
Bill, the batteries are dea
Breaking the Blub. That would hurt. Of course, the more blub you have the more blubbery you are. People who are really blubbery shouldn't even attempt swimsuits, if you ask me. I once saw one of our blubber-b__ted relation actually wear sweat pants into a pool. Boy, do those absorb like crazy...
And here's to our more sentimental blubbering poasters. It's funny, but I don't think you can have a light blub since blubber is heavy by nature.
Ace; and still more proof I read.
Not So Bad Feeling:
Seeing Jester's name leading off multiple poasts. That means they're dead.
Ace; that's not my name, either. Geez.
I play 5-a-side football (soccer for you gridiron monkeys out there) and I was today reminded of another of the worst feelings in the world. This feeling occured when a member of the opposing team decided to take a shot at goal and connected very sweetly with the ball. The ball then travelled at extremely high velocity towards me (I play in goal) and, without knowing much about it, I managed to save it - with my .....um...groin.
Any women out there will not really be able to comprehend the enormity of this but I am sure that the gents will agree with me wholeheartedly when I say that the pain I experienced today was something that I couldn't wish on anybody.
Luckily, the second shot that I had to save hit me directly in the face and gave me a nosebleed. This went some way towards taking the focus off of the pain in my shorts.
Oh, and we do get Letterman thrust upon us here in the UK. It is broadcast at about 1am on one of the commercial TV stations and obviously isn't as popular as it is in the US.
Buff; Ouch!
Buff, look... I'm a Yank, and I know we're not the brightest tools in the shed as far as shedding light on things Euro or Global sometimes. We know baseball, as the national Past-time (which it is). And Football, which we've lent to you over there. I guess there would be a bunch of burly jocks who'd want to play for Amsterdam, probably just due to the rumours about life there... Basketball, too; we invented that after teasing a deliveryman and hanging peach baskets out of his reach, after we stole it from the Indians. Same with golf, from the Scots. Unless Indians started that too. I tell ya, sometimes I'm proud to be an Indian from Indiana.
Ok; here's the deal. No way am I going to claim much in the way of knowledge of Soccer... Sure, we make the world cup now, but not like we're going far in it. Geez, our best player is 16..! But I am reasonably sure of something, and I think if you'll ask around you can confirm this with your mates over there and I think it will make life easier for you in your recreation and dramatically lessen the chances of great bodily harm:
It's OK for the Goaltender To Use His Hands. So, please: Use Yours.
When the ball comes careening like a bullet train for your groin, PUT OUT YOUR HANDS TO STOP IT. Let alone turning, and letting it smack you on the other side. I'd prefer that, personally, as opposed to a frontal shot.
When the ball comes zooming for your nose; PUT OUT YOUR HANDS TO STOP IT. It's ok; they let you do that. Heck, they WANT you to do that. I know I do.
You are very special, being in goal. And remember; it's ok! It's LEGAL. They WANT you to USE those Hands.
Ace; and your head. Geez. You might try a helmet, actually...
Yes, I am aware that I should use my hands ::)
It is difficult to protect yourself when the ball is travelling at such speed and from such a short distance away. It's not such an issue in the full 11-a-side game as shots tend to come from much further away.
I am currently researching the purchase of a "box" but am unsure of what to get. Do they come in different sizes? If so, how do you measure?
Buff; 'spect I could get a used one off of Ebay.
Look, if you do get a "small" just don't tell any girls. Well, or guys either.
You know, another aid to your self preservation and sporting fun might be to move the goal back a little. That could increase the distance and decrease the velocity if someone tries to bounce a ball off your person. I would think you could rig a goal with wheels, and be able to push it back if people are getting too close.
Personally, I don't enjoy people kicking or hurling things at me so I'll stick to tennis and golf. The tennis ball comes in pretty fast sometimes, but I keep my distance and it's pretty soft. Golf balls can travel faster, and they're way harder, but at their size there's a reasonable chance of a miss.
Ace; I'm not going near a baseball and risk catching one in some ungloved part of me. And softballs are not "soft."
A goal with wheels. Cool! It just might work.
I'm sure that there will probably be a rule somewhere that will scotch that idea though.
Buff; Maybe Pandora will let me borrow her box.
Hah! When the tough get going, the ..er...others ...disassociate themselves.
Buff; Take me with you.
(I modified my last poast to be slightly less risque - you can come back now).
Well, I went back. You just click on "5" and you're there. It's not exactly hightech.
Good one, Buff! That was some risque stuff.
Ace; Buff said "scotch." heh
Geez Louise, Johnny. Of course I know you're kidding. For a quick guy who can poast while I'm in the midst of the answer to the previous one, I'd expect you to know that.
Ace; "Dis" is the root word of Dishwasher.
Well, it was certainly a pleasant surprise to be called "honky" after all these years... You just don't hear that all that often, anymore. And "cat." I suppose "white cat" might be an alright thing to be called, although I sure prefer dogs. Better than a black cat. It's bad luck enough when a Jester crosses your path, so that would be a double whammy.
Ace; It's like a double espresso, but it's made with whammy.
"Elton John, the Funeral Singer."
Ace; I guess there's a need, like with wedding singers...