INTERVIEW WITH THE JESTER

[Ace]

Since business is slow today and most of the live poasts are dead and the dead one's dormant, I thought we might enjoy an interview with our resident jester, Ace.  Ace did share a few insights into his mysterious persona last April, when he returned from his 1 week sabbatical, but I'm sure our viewers would like to know more about "what makes this funny man tick."  So, let's ask him.

Well, me.  I mean, I'm doing the interview.  Of me.  Like I said, there really isn't anyone around today, to pick up on it.  And, I usually wind up talking to myself anyway, so it's not a problem... Ok, then; ask away:

Ace, it's probably of interest to many of the Poasters family just to know a little of your history with this place.

Well, sure, for the umpteenth time... I came into the Quantex Computer chatroom back in 96 or 97, when I was shopping for my first home pc and work was boring me to death.  It was there I met some of the original Poasters crew, and first established the character that would be "Ace."

And you chose "Ace" because...?

I golf, and play tennis.  In both games, an Ace is a superlative shot.

So it really does NOT relate to cards...?

Look; what did I just say?

Ok; no cards.  Nothing about cards.

That would be what I just said.  I actually had a counterpart named "Buddy", named after my deceased parakeet, but he was short lived.

Ace, you're know for some distinctive phrases.  Where did they originate?  Such as "criminy" and "Geez Louise."

Geez Louise is from Dagwood, from the Blondie comic strip.  Criminy might well be, too.  I think it's from the 3 Stooges, as well.  Plus, I have memory cells dedicated to Rocky and Bullwinkle, so there might be entries from there.  Plus my own twisted vocablulary, to create new combinations.  Dangit is just useful, and keeps me safe in a "family forum."  I've also got a decent Warner Brother's cartoon remembrance.

You seem to exhibit a large, but peculiar, vocabulary, even while repeating these "signature expressions" ad infinitum...

Well, I suppose I change the paradigm to make it more palatable to our readers.  Or at least malleable.

So, do you in "real life" use those kind of expressions?

Not at all.

But they creep in here?

Yes.  Mostly because I can't pronounce them, but I can spell them.  I don't use such words normally, because I'm not sure how to say them.  But here, I can just plant them down and get by with it.

Any least favorite big words out there?

Yes; empathetic and ironical.  I mean, c'mon people, save some letters and trouble.  Go with "ironic" and "empathic."  I may have mispelled one of these, too.  Also, I am known for misspelling simple words, if not the big ones.  Like two, or your.  Its is a killer.

Ace, it's recently been asked that you share with us the origins of your deep seated, almost crazed, hatred of pandas.  Could you?

Sure.  There are really two parts to it; one, a trip up to Rhode Island back in 1980 or so.  While there, we took a drive up to Boston, and happened upon Plymouth Rock.  Now, if anyone here has ever seen "the Rock" in all its majesty, you know what it's about.  It is the most pitiful, unimpressive, deceptive monument known to mankind.  I'm expecting this fierce outcropping, jutting out over the Atlantic, as a beacon to freedom.  No siree; Plymouth "Rock" is a large stone, set at the bottom of a pit up on the shore.  It's down like in a well, sitting there on the dirt in the dark.  So people can gaze down, and spit on it.  

Ok, then; keeping in mind the big letdown of coming upon this natural disaster, we shift forward a couple years to a trip to Washington DC to see the same relation.  And a trip to the National Zoo, particularly to bask in the glow and festiveness and uplifting energy of the Two Giant Pandas, Sing-Sing and HoHo, or whatever.  We get there, we're at the display, and there ain't a Panda to be found.  Not on the grass, in the trees, no where no way.  Sans Pandas.  So we go into the concrete enclosure, where they are when not frollicking apparently.  There, we find, curled up in a matted ball of filthy fur, up by the glass at the concrete in the front, The Giant Panda.  Which is maybe 4 Giant Feet Long.  A dwarf, as it were, like Plymouth Rock is a big stone.  Moving much the same.  The same breathtaking awe, in encountering it.  Mostly due to the smell.  Lying lifeless, and brainless, and clueless.  The parallel was clear:  Plymouth Rock = Panda.  Much Ado About Nothing.  Big Waste Of Time.  Load Of C($2.  You may as well have hauled a filthy Coleman Cooler out there, and it would have been more entertaining and worthwhile as an exhibit.  That told me what Pandas aren't: Fun. Festive. Alive. Mobile. Pleasant. Entertaining. Worth It.  Plymouth Rock at least had enough sense to be dead, so I am seeking the same effort from Pandas.  If they're just going to take up space, let it be under and not above ground.  Stinking creepy matted filthy furballs, that stink.

You reside in what you describe as the "Mythical, Magical Land of Michiana, as does Pat, another veteran Poaster.  What should we know about your homeland?

Well, there are no free margaritas, apparently.  It's a pleasant place, and particularly that we've had no hurricanes, nor tornados, nor pestilence recently.  I'm down the street from the Golden Dome, and between it and the Grape Road Corridor Of Doom(3).  I once tried to give Pat directions here, but wound up pointing him in quite the opposite direction, and probably back on his way home.

Ace, we gotta wonder... Why Jester?

Well, the good jobs were gone.  All the administrators grabbed the white collar ones, and Scuzzy's already the Bouncer, and most everybody is a techie or geek, so by the time I found the place after it's (see? Told you I can't spell its) 85th or so move all that was left was a jingly cap and upturned shoes and the stupid vest and accoutrements laying in a pile, where I see it and say "Why would a janitor wear this?!" and there you go.  

And you're the LOOKOUT!! too

Yes.  Even at that, some people get all bent out of shape if I get loud.  No, not Ludd, Loud.  I mean, what good is a dang LOOKOUt if he's gonna mumble a warning or alarm?  Criminy.  Buncha babies.

Ace, you also seem to have a unique relationship with Travis, one of the younger members of the room. Can you describe it?

Well, I guess I think of myself sorta like a Mentor to Trav.  He's sort of a "Jester Apprentice."  Mostly, because I can go "You're Fired!" that way.  I love him like a brother...  Well, no.  Not really like a brother.  I mean, I've got a brother, and I don't know if I even LIKE him that much.  I love him like a son... well, no.  I don't have a son, and don't really want one.  I'd probably have to slap him, or ground him, if that were the case.  I guess I love him like an older man loves a younger man

Ok. Let's not even go there.  That doesn't even begin to sound right.

Let's say "I love Travis like a guy would love another guy, as in "like" "fond of" "Ok with" "tolerate" a guy who's in a chatroom the first guy's in.   Ok?

Sure.  Definitely sounds better than that middle thing...

I agree.  Geez Louise.

Well, "see you in the Funny Bone".

Absolutely.

Ace; I bet I'll get misquoted.  What a maroon.

[trav]

Great interview! Thanks for the kind comments about me, Ace :)

[Bill]

So, to summarize:

Ace frequently talks to himself;

Ace kills Buddy in chatroom and steals his hat and funny looking shoes;

Ace hates Pandas;
( real news there; you expected them to dance, maybe?)

Ace wants to fire Trav as Jester apprentice and eliminate "up and coming" competition;

Ace complains about being misquoted.

Good interview!

[Munki]

Pandas are first mentioned in Chinese books written 2,500 years ago, but they weren't seen by a European until 1869. In 1936, Su-Lin at the Chicago Zoo was the first living panda to be brought out of China.

The panda's full name is Giant Panda. Their scientific name is Ailuropoda melanoleuca.

Pandas are related to bears, but they are classified in their own group.

There used to be some confusion about how to classify pandas because they have some features in common with a completely different animal called a Red Panda (also called a Lesser Panda) which is related to the raccoons. Red pandas were discovered by Europeans 48 years before the Giant panda. The word "panda" comes from the Nepalese name for the red panda, nigalya ponya, which means "bamboo eater."

Pandas have the digestive system of a carnivore (meat eater), but they eat a mostly vegetarian diet.

Pandas' primary food is bamboo, but since their digestive systems can absorb only a little of the nutrition, they have to eat over 30 pounds a day.

Pandas like the taste of young bamboo sprouts which have even less nutrition. If they eat only these, they must eat over 80 pounds a day.

Pandas spend 16-24 hours a day eating and the remainder resting.

Pandas eat sitting up and have a sixth finger on their front paws that they use as a thumb for holding food.

Pandas make a sound like a sheep bleating, but they can make 11 different sounds for different situations.

The purpose of the pandas' black eye patches may be to make their eyes look bigger and scarier to other animals.

Pandas' fur is slightly oily to make it waterproof.

Each panda lives alone. Male and female pandas get together only for mating and then separate after a day or two.

Pandas keep track of other pandas by scent marking trees.

If a female panda gives birth to two babies, she is able to take care of only one of them.

Adult pandas are 5-6 feet long and weigh 165-242 pounds.

Pandas live for about thirty years in captivity. Their only natural enemies are humans.

Pandas are very endangered because of the destruction of their environment and hunting by poachers for their fur. There are fewer than 1000 pandas left in the world - only 16 of these are outside China.

[Ace]

Does any dang poast ever stay on topic in this dang funny farm...
Criminy.

Ok; first off;
1. Your welcome.  :)
2. Your right.  My left.
3. Your nuts.
4. The actual scientific name of the "Giant Panda" is Furballicus Melancholia Armpida Stincupthiplas.

Real nice, that pandas invade my own dang poast.  Geez Louise, they have no tact nor manners.  

They may well be 5 to 6 feet long, if stretched to their limits.  You need to remember that they are curled up in a filthy pile, usually, so we're looking at 3 or 4 feet rolled up.  It makes sense they'd eat vegetables while they're made for an Atkins diet.  It's a testimony to their inherent stupidity, and wrongness.

If 30 or 80 lbs. of bamboo go in daily, guess what the outcome is.

Since they don't know what to eat, can't handle more than 1 kid at a time, and have since endangered their own existence, their only natural enemy is themselves.

That'd be around 30 years too many, in a zoo.  And a red panda is just a bloated fox, or giant red rat.  I saw one at our local zoo with his head in his box and butt sticking out, entranced by the whole arrangement.  I assume he's still there, in the same pose, hopefully dead.

Hope that first European who came upon one had a gun...

Ace; ok, enough about stinking pandas. Let's talk about me.  What did YOU have for breakfast, Ace? Bacon bisquits with cheddar, thank you very much. And how were they, Ace? They were good. Going to golf today, Ace? I certainly hope so; I'm trying out the Pings I got on Ebay. Is it true that your game is testimony to the notion that, "the more shots you hit on a golf course, the more value you're getting for your money"?
shut up.  dangit.

[Bill]

Well in the spirit of self-centeredness, what did you have for dinner, Ace?  Did you enjoy the wine, Ace?  Did you have trouble unscrewing the top, Ace?

What is your considered opininon of the N.D. games Ace?
Are they off to a  winning season or were these two games just a fluke?
What do you think , Ace?

Ace?

If things were meant to stay on track they'd be in the mail room. Everything would be all neat and sordid, wait,
no, sorted.  
Would the mail room be a promotion for the janitor?

If Munki's facts are right, i.e. less than a 1000, you've done a pretty good job helping their efforts to achieve extinction.

Way to go, Ace.  

[Buffalo2102]

Is it true that your game is testimony to the notion that, "the more shots you hit on a golf course, the more value you're getting for your money"?

US Ryder Cup team policy? ;D

Seriously though, great interview Ace.  Trouble is, I feel like I am getting to know more about you and with each new piece of knowledge you appear more and more human.  Not that I thought you weren't human, some alien or something, just that I had this vision of you as a proper jester.  That is, not some tourist who visits Plymouth Rock and the zoo before nipping out for 18 holes.  It's just like finding out about Santa Claus......... :'(

[Ace]

Geez criminy, of course I'm human.  There's a guy behind the screen.  And in front of the mirror, in Travis' case.  Of course I golf, and consume bacon.  I mean, who doesn't?!?

No, I'm not a stinking proper Jester.  Geez Louise, if nothing else, you'd figure there's nothing proper about me after a few dozen poasts.  Or whatever I'm up to, now.  "Proper" Jesters are funny, for one thing.  And not just if you add "looking" after it.  They're festive, and fun.  And jovial, I suppose.  And good natured.  And madcap and humourous and whatever else they are.  As Bob, let alone Jakob, Dylan said, "It Ain't Me Babe."

I am an Improper Jester.  Yes.  That would be it.

Secondly, you don't exactly "visit" Plymouth Rock.  I visit my in-laws, and work, but not a rock.  Excuse me; largish stone.  In a pit.  It's like saying "I shall now visit the wastewater treatment plant."  Or "I should like to visit the landfill."  Keeping in mind Plymouth Rock is much smaller.  Panda-sized, if you will.

What about Satan Claus?  Criminy.  Ask the reindeer, or the elves, as far as I'm concerned.  Hey; it's getting toward that time of year again.

Also, keep in mind I make stuff up.  So don't take my literature too literally.  It's an autobiography, even though I haven't even mentioned the Taurus yet.

As far as ND; they haven't reached the power games yet.  The thing is in college ball, with the natural attrition, one year's primary juggernauts aren't the next.  See this year's Syracuse, and Michigan, and Michigan State.  Michigan has a frosh QB, State is rebuilding in the same, and Syracuse too.  PU will be the primary powerhouse, and likely Tennessee by then.  And USC.  My feeling is Willingham, should he reach some semblance of competence and awakening of echoes, will then depart for Michigan State.  Just a hunch.

Only wine with cork, and not those doofy plastic ones, either.  Good point on the Ryder Cup team, Buff.  That's what you get when you pick Earl Sinclair as your coach.

That oughta send folks scrambling to Google...

ACe; I can't wait for more about me.  And the Pings work fine, thanks.

[pat]

I don?t know about this interview thing.
I mean talking to yourself is one thing.
Answering yourself back, that is a little sketchy.
But talking to yourself and answering and writing it all down in a poast?
That kind of freaks me out.

It must take the whole lot of you a heck of a long time just to figure out what you?re going to wear out the door in the morning.

Ace: Sybil by any other name.

[Ace]

Oh, now don't be comparing me to Cybil Shepard.  Shepherd.  Whatever.  She was ok in that show with Bruce Willis, but then she just got annoying.  Especially playing Martha Stewart; criminy, she doesn't know the meaning of underacting, does she.

Oh, and you mispelled "Cybil."

Look; we meet at Hacienda, you can interview me, and poast the results.  Ok?

And I'll interview Neon, without him being here.  Sounds fair to me.

And Scuzzy can talk to his cat, and clean the dang litter box for once this week.  

Travis gets to look at himself in his dang mirror, but suddenly it's "too much" that I talk to myself, and have the decency to answer.  Geez Criminy.

And, no, Dagwood never said that.  I just did.

Hey; I just thought of a great new TV Sitcom.  "Rocky and Bullwinkle".  Starring Sylvester Stalone as Rocky, and Michael Myers in heavy makeup as Bullwinkle the Moose.  That oughta grab our attention.

Criminy, I'd interview Pat if he'd show up.  I could ask him about types of wood, and tools, and stuff.  I'd ask him about computers, but I'm not sure if I'd understand the question, let alone the answer.

Ace; C-Y-B-I-L.  dangit.

[pat]

Oh boy, Sybil, Cybil, syllable.
I give up, there?s just no way I can slip one past all of you.

Sure, Hacienda would be ok. At least I know the way there and won?t have to rely on getting directions.
Probably end up in Ohio.

[Ace]

Ohio.  Criminy; don't wind up there.  You'll never make it back.  

It's bigger than all of us.  It's bigger than anything.  It's huge, I tell ya.  Geez Louise, that's one big state.  It's giant.

Not like a giant panda is giant.  That's giant, as in "miniature".  

Ace; I don't know what's more boring; Ohio, or pandas.

[Bill]

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain (screen) ...the great Oz, er, Ace has spoken"

" We're off to see the...nah, never will see him, only the funny hat and maybe hear the bells.

It is safe to say however you're (you are) not in Kansas anymore.  You're here, wherever THIS is.
Yeah, I know, quiet in the funny farm.  Noise disturbs the patients, probably Trav too.

[Bill]

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain (screen) ...the great Oz, er, Ace has spoken"

" We're off to see the...nah, never will see him, only the funny hat and maybe hear the bells.

It is safe to say however you're (you are) not in Kansas anymore.  You're here, wherever THIS is.
Yeah, I know, quiet in the funny farm.  Noise disturbs the patients, probably Trav too.


Probably closer to Eve than Cybil or Sybil.

[Ace]

Oh, c'mon now.  For cryin' out loud.  Quoting yourself?  Geez Louise.  What a way to pad your statistics.  That's like me, answering my own poasts.  Or talking to myself.

Hmm.

Ok, never mind.

Ace;

[Bill]

Well, we're all a little nuts...to quote some one else

[Ace]

The squirrels outside were trying to hide their little nuts.

Huh.

Ok, not to change the subject, but here's more on the interview.  This is like one of those two part ones, that are 3 or 4 episodes.

So, Ace; Elvis Costello, your favorite individual performer has a new album out today, and also appeared on 2 1/2 Men yesterday, in prime time.  This is quite a week for you, isn't it? You bet.  I think it's great.

Who do you like more?  Elvis Costello, or Declan McManus?  Geez, I'd have to put it to a tie.  Any Canadian performers you're fond of? I used to like Burton Cummings, but that was a long time ago.  No one at this time.  

Ace, it's been reported that some Poasters are disappointed dissapointed dissappointed dangit down because they discovered you're (somewhat) human.  What would you say in response?  Don't believe it.  I make stuff up.  

What Poasters would you most want to see poast a new series of blond(e) jokes?  I'd have to go with the Jims.  What Poaster would you say goes by the strangest pseudonym?  Well, I can't pronounce Saiorse.  I don't even think I can spell it.  And Scuzzy's is weird, going by the name of his cat, Alex.  Ludd's is kinda unusual, since he's actually technically savvy.  Carsick just sorta makes me feel funny... like you do when you've riding in the backseat, a long time.  ThatGuyWhat'sHis Name has a strange one, that I can't quite remember.  Travis' Grandma has an unusual name.  Iansl sounds like a new Bristol-Myers drug.  Igloo sounds cold.  Travis... that just cracks me up.  Buffalowhatever; I can't ever remember the ones that have numbers, too.  Plus, I can't remember the difference between buffalo and bison.  But, all in all, the one that probably is the most peculiar and bizarre, and unique, would be

pat.

Man, that one is just too strange.  You know?  

So, what do you think the odds are you'll poast a Munki joke? Not in my lifetime.

Ace; not even a dead one.  

[Munki]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

What do you feed a dead monkey?
Nothing, they're dead.

How do you kill a blue monkey?
Shoot it with a blue monkey gun.
How do you kill a green monkey?
Shoot it with a green monkey gun.
How do you kill a yellow monkey?
Shoot it with a yellow monkey gun.
How do you kill a pink monkey?
Hold it's nose 'till it turns blue then shoot it with a blue monkey gun.

How did the dead monkey cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken!

[trav]

Munk should make jokes about Panda's...thats sure to make Ace...happy....or sad, whichever  :-\

[Ace]

"Ace: Happy  :D or Sad  :'("
What's the difference...

Or as my 7 year old niece says: "Who cares?"

Munk, thanks.  Used them all tonight; they were gems.  Dead monkeys, dead pandas... it's all dead meat.  And the best jokes are road kill, here.  Ok, and look; plurals need no apostrophe.  Just "pandas".  If the pandas owned something, then yes, go with the apostrophe:  "The panda's stinking feet" (1 panda) or "The pandas' purpose on this earth are to all die" (plural pandas).  Thank you.

Ace; jokes about pandas are like jokes about dumpsters.

[Bill]

Now you are certain that "panda's" isn't a contraction for "panda is" like that's?

[Ace]

No, it would have to be "Panda was" since they're dead/dying.  As in "The panda's leaving us, now, hopefully."  If it's plural, it would be Pandas were leaving, so "Pandas're leaving" or even pandasreleaving if you really want to save space.

Ooh.  Hold it.  That looked like Pandas relieving... I don't want to see any stinking panda relieving itself.  Just leave, and don't leave a dang memento.  Ech.

Ugh.  And other onatomatopeia terms.  And, no, I am not going to look up onotamatopiea at 7:27 in the dang morning, thank you very much.  You should be grateful I share my vocabulary with you all, let alone know how to pronounce or spell any of it.

Ace; being a jester is serious work.

[Bill]

"The panda is dead" if I am looking at it right now. Could also be "The panda's dead." No?

"The panda was dead" if I looked at it in the past and then walked away to escape the stink.

Maybe just eliminate the stupid "'"  no, that should be " ' "  (I mean really, who can  spell 'apostrophe'?) completely and simply write completely  "The panda owned or the panda possessed...."

Make life simpler, or at least fewer rules.

[Ace]

Geez Louise, could you imagine a possessed panda?  I would not wanna be the priest in charge of exhorsizing one of those.  Exorcizing.  Exercising.  Geez, for once I wish I'd pick a word I know.

Pandas is dead.  Heck, I could learn to like that.  am dead, are dead, gonna be dead.  I don't care, as long as the first word is "panda" and it ends in "dead."

Who can spell apostrophe?  Well, you can, apparently.  I don't know anyone else who can.

Ace; I live The Simple Life.  Well, without rules. Same diff.

[Bill]

Panda(s) are a thorn in the side of society and Ace in particular, but never wind up in the cemetary/cemetery tomb that houses the dead.

Don't think that's what you had in mind but it meets your criteria.  

Pandas are possessed.  If they can eat meat, something must drive them to eat bamboo.
I wouldn't want to drive a panda though.  By the time you finally got the big furball in the pickup, it'd be last call and closing time.

[Ace]

Oh, I didn't have anything in mind.  I rarely do, anymore.

Just sorta ramble on, listen for puns, stare out the window, doze off with my eyes open.

And listen for the "clump" of another panda falling over, dead.  Biting the dust.  Taking the big dirt nap. Planting itself. Takin' a dive.  Criminy, I love that sound.

Ace; you'd have to sterilize that truck, after, that's for sure.

[Bill]

That's (that is) why they go in the back.

[Ace]

Geez criminy, I hope they don't go in the back.  You'd think they'd have the decency to make a stop before they hop on board.  I bet they go in the bamboo, all the time, too.  Like that would bother them.

Stinking vile unclean unsanitary unsafe unkempt stinkpots that they are.

Ace; I gotta go.

[Bill]

Now really, can you picture a panda "hopping" on any thing?  They'r too lazy to get up, let alone hop.

That's why its hard to tell if they're dead.  They never move anyway.  Gotta wait 'till they start to stink-more.

[iansl]

Or maybe you wouldn't like this: Pandas will never be dead. or maybe you'll like this: Panda Antivirus stops viruses dead. Except it's bad grammar. Maybe. I guess.

By the way, right now my XP machine (sig) has XP titlebars (silver) etc, but my pointers, sounds and background look like something straight off a Mac. Nifty. Now if I only had the guts to change a few DLLs, I could make my PC look totally like a Mac, at least in Windows.