New Rules for English

[JimS]

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study on ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough.  What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c".  Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.  Then the hard "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.  Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f".  This would make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.  Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful.  Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.  By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z".  Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w".  Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould be dropd from words kontaining "ou".  Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl.  After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.  Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

[Ace]

Oh. Great.  So we'll speak German instead.  

Having failed German, I do not see the advantages. Advntajus.  Bniftz.

Wotevr.

Crimy.

Ac. Gz Luez.

[pliskin]

the germans are at it again, its part of their plan to rule the universe using laderhosen!

[Neon]

Ladderhosen?
Exactly how are these German firefighters going to take over the universe?
Hose people down with chocolate?
Ladder over tall obstacles in a single vault?

[Ace]

First, I think he only meant the small ones, 'cause he said germans, instead of Germans.

Not to be confused with lederhosen.  I'd defer to Scuzzy, since he came here from Germany.

Ace; I suppose chocolate would put out stuff.  

[44mayg]

The Germans actually kicked Scuzzy out cuz he drove a Honda!

(HEH! HEH! Creating more work for Ace to kill :-)